Elderly Aunt living in another state phones almost every day and tells offensive and racist jokes. I don't want to hear it anymore. Advice?

Not with a relative but with a friend of a friend.

I think this person got the message when I got up and walked out of the house, which was awkward for me because I love my friend. A few others did it too. My friend soon saw how offensive he was and eventually spoke to him.

My friend accepts him as he is and is patient with him, okay fine, but he was crossing all kinds of lines for me and I seriously couldn’t stomach his comments or jokes. Let me just say that I would never give any credence to him by repeating them.

I would either say point blank that you do not consider the joke to be funny or not even bother to pick up the phone.

You would think in the year of 2021, these things would be gone. Sadly, they aren’t.

I appreciate the fact that you don’t find them funny.

I feel ‘prejudice’ is a learned behavior.

Fortunately, my family did not set bad examples regarding prejudice attitudes so I didn’t grow up learning this behavior.

By not saying anything you've given the expression that you are complicit, you need to grow a backbone and tell her that her jokes are offensive and you don't appreciate hearing them - she needs to know your boundaries if you expect her to respect them. And most people have caller display, if you do there is no reason you can't screen her calls and only answer when you are in the mood to talk or to politely excuse yourself and hang up when she calls at an inconvenient time (although I doubt she will be calling so often once you stand up for yourself).

Set your phone to be silenced after whatever time of night you don’t wish to get calls. Mine has quiet hours from 11pm to 6am. And never hesitate to tell anyone, elderly or lonely or anything else, that you won’t listen to racist or offensive talk. You don’t need to explain why. If you’re not respected on this, give a reminder, and then hang up

Maybe she has dementia. Or maybe she thinks you find her jokes as funny as she does since you keep listening to them. Silence is as good as agreement in this case. You don't have to be confrontational with the woman, you just have to let her know that you don't agree with her humor or find racial or ethnic (or whatever) type jokes to be funny, and to please stop sharing them with you. Let her know there are plenty of other topics of conversation you CAN have, however, just not the jokes. See how she takes it. Some folks honestly don't realize they're being offensive until they're told. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

She's probably, ironically, trying to impress you with her unconventional and racy style. I'd send her a book of jokes that actually *are* funny and hope she enjoys the new material.

You might also be able to break up her calling pattern by taking the initiative and ringing her for a good old chinwag, regularly and at a time that suits you, like every Sunday afternoon or something. Have interesting topics of conversation handy and talk to her as you would to any other lively-minded person you didn't (yet, God willing) know very well.

It is *fine* to tell her if you find something she says offensive. You don't have to be mean back at her or anything, just be truthful. She's a grown-up, she can take it.

You need to tell her that these things are quite honestly offensive to you. What have you to lose? Only phone calls. You need to be honest.

As soon as she says she has a joke or story to tell you, stop her at that point and say is it nasty or about the color of someone's skin? I don't like to hear that kind of thing. Don't wait until the joke has been told - nip it in the bud.

Lots of people are like that with the dirty jokes or racial remarks. So you have to be prepared for what I now hear - I know you don't like this word, but. . . So my new reply is if you know it's something I don't like to hear, don't do it.

"She is a nice person,..."

A NICE person does not call people repeatably telling off colour jokes.

Stop her in her tracks. "Auntie, it appears you have different beliefs than I do. I have no interest at all in hearing jokes that are racist or of a sexual nature. I will hang up if you repeat these sorts of jokes.

What do you have to lose by stopping her?

No-one invents their own jokes every day. I’ve tried to post regular jokes to our own site’s ‘Joke Site’, and I do it by getting joke books from OP Shops. (I’m not too well at the moment, hence no new jokes). Your aunt has found a source of ‘off’ jokes, a book or a website, and she needs a different source. We had a troll poster who said he watched late night filth on TV and insisted on posting vile jokes that nobody 'liked'. He was eventually blocked. Ask her where she gets hers from. Turn the conversation to 'where did you hear that one?'.

Tell her you think it’s a rotten place, really off color, and doesn’t hit your sense of humor at all. Make the discussion about the source of the jokes, not about her, or the jokes themselves. Suggest a new place to find jokes. For example, once I found a website of ‘knock knock who’s there’ jokes that would last the rest of her life. Tedious, but not offensive. Once I found a site with simply hundreds on the lines of 'How many xyz's does it take to change a light bulb'. (My favorite is social workers - 'one, but the light bulb has to want to change'.) Even put a couple of joke books in the post!

Remember that many older people with dementia get hyper-sexy. This may be the way she is showing it. Perhaps you could check with other people who see her regularly. Even just understanding might help you to tolerate a phone relationship that may be important to her, without it offending you.

If she's not suffering from dementia, be straight with her. Tell her you find the jokes not to be your kind of humor and upsetting, then drop some Dad jokes on her. They're painful groaners, but entertaining and inoffensive. ("I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.") The Dad jokes will also work her mind a bit, because they're often pun-filled and take a little thinking to get the punchline.

I assume she's lonely and/or trying to find an opening to start a conversation. However, you need to set some clear boundaries -- no offensive jokes, and she can call on X days between the hours of X and X. All these can be conveyed kindly without sounding like you're being rude or don't want to talk to her, but you have a busy life and can't talk on the phone a great deal. It's also a very different world than it used to be when people communicated primarily by phone and letters. You could also surprise her and call her first once in a while.

Racists are NOT "nice people. This is one behavior that no one needs to (or should) tolerate. A large part of the problems our society is having stem from so many people's refusal to just call out racism as the evil it is. Frankly, she would benefit from "having her feelings hurt". Might help her to do some thinking about morally decent attitudes.

Did ur sister give your # to this Aunt? In my family that is a no no. We ask permission before giving each others phone #s out. If a person asks I get their # and tell them I will give it to the person. I promise nothing.

You could say that you have enjoyed getting acquainted but you can no longer tolerate her jokes. They are not appropriate. No problem her calling you just can't tolerate the jokes.

I would wonder why Dad had not seen her in years and you didn't know her. Maybe there was a reason.

Seems your aunt has a problem other than the offensive language/humor. Your aunt appears to need some help, these may be one of her problems or a combination:

1 - She has always been this way and that is why you never heard from her. She won't change. Let her calls go to voicemail (and delete!) and call her when it is convenient to you.

2 - She is lonely and desperate for socialization. Talk with family about calling her throughout the week - everybody gets a day and/or time slot. With others calling her and directing the conversations, she may stop being as rude.

3 - She may have a mental health issue - especially if this has been ongoing for a long time. Talk with family about somebody checking in on her weekly (everybody takes a turn?). If she appears to be in unsafe conditions or a threat to self or others, she may be involuntarily admitted for psychiatric evaluation and treatment.

4 - She may have dementia. The time of phone calls, frequency, and loss of social filters may mean that she requires to be cared for by others. An appointment with her usual doctor (or a competent family doctor if she doesn't have one) would be the first thing to do, Don't be surprised if the doctor makes referrals to a neurologist (for dementia evaluation and treatment) and a geriatric psychiatrist.

Just don't answer the phone?

I'll never understand why people think a ringing phone must be answered, especially since caller id has been a thing for decades.

Unless she has dementia of some type that would prevent her from understanding TELL her that you find them Offensive, sexist, racist. Tell her that if it continues you will hang up. Then next time she calls and tells a joke you find offensive, sexist, racist HANG UP. no goodbye, no explanation just hang up. Repeat as often as necessary. OR if you know it is her calling do not pick up after you have hung up on her XX number of times.

I would just tell her, "Aunt Mary, it's always good to hear from you but I would rather hear about YOU. No jokes. And start a conversation
How's the weather. Really hot, rainy here.
I made Grandma's meatloaf the other night. Did you ever make it?
What's your favorite recipe?
My grandson plays first base on his team
And so on.
Your Aunt may just want to talk to someone and doesn't know what else to say, rather than tell jokes.
Hope this helps.

You will have to explicitly tell her you do not want to hear jokes about race or sex, but you don't need to criticize her for telling them. Just focus on your not wanting to hear them.
Avoiding her calls or being busy postpones the discomfort, but does not discourage her from trying to use that humor to make a connection the next time.

I have some older family members who do this and really don’t understand or don’t want to.....so, I have done a variety of things. Telling them didn’t work so I made a list of things to talk about so I would not be caught off guard. My list is individualized for the person. New recipe I tried and asked what favorite spices, book I am ready (and I am always reading the Bible or a biography of a missionary). But what helps when I cannot divert is to put the phone down so I can hear it and then do something else until I hear silence. My response when asked, did you hear? is yes, and then I thank for the call..... I do believe that the life of jokes or inappropriate words are from their past which wasn’t offensive at the time. If you watch old movies (Turner Classic for example) all kinds of subjects were broached in a way that is offensive today. Older people tend to live in a past life so this is what will come up. I have learned not to go out in public, like a restaurant, I am pretty sure our food could be compromised by nasty comments from my loved ones! Amazing how the voice carries! LOL. Seriously, loneliness is hard, this is a couples world. :)

Be upfront & be kind.They understand but Not Rudeness.

A lot of older people do this. She's living the last chapter of her life, so cut her some slack. She's not teaching kids, not creating policy, and not running a company. Shunning her will only make her lonely and depressed. You don't have to laugh at the jokes, so just ignore them and try to change the subject. If she doesn't get the hint, she may just be past the point of being able to. If she's a good person overall, don't let some jokes run-in everything.

Be honest. Tell her you are offended by her jokes, and would appreciate her to stop. You should be honest. If she is with it upstairs she just needs to be told and to set limits, but do it in a positive way saying refraining from such jokes is to her best interests and be aware those jokes are offensive to some people.

What does her age have to do with it? She's probably been like this her whole life. I wouldn't hesitate to block her or just tell her the truth, that you don't like her jokes and remarks and don't call anymore. It's hard to do that because we are supposed to be polite to people, but think of it as ripping off a band aid. You don't need this in your life to stress you out.

My sons used to play with a neighbor child who used bad language. Every time he used a bad word I would tell him in a friendly way that those words were not allowed in my house and he would have to go home for the day. If he wanted, he could come back tomorrow.
After a couple of months, he stopped using bad words at my house, although I sometimes heard them floating over the fence.
If your aunt is capable of learning and remembering, simply tell her, politely, that you don't like those jokes and you will end the call every time she tells one. Then when she tells you an offensive joke, tell her that you don't like the joke and are hanging up now, but she is welcome to call back tomorrow, or next week, or whatever you feel is an appropriate time between calls.
If she gets angry, she can find another communication partner.

Let her calls go to voicemail and then when you feel up to it, call her and maybe get her to talk about her childhood memories with your dad, - if you're interested.

Otherwise, tell her bluntly that you find her sense of humor offensive and to please stop sharing those "jokes."

Something to think about: If she were not your aunt and if she were not in her late 70s, how would you react? - How would you treat the person if she were a contemporary of yours? That's what you do in this case as well.

You may not want to hurt her feelings but she certainly does not care about yours — at least, as soon as you tell her that her sense of humor is not the same as yours. Then, she may stop. If she doesn’t, you have laid the groundwork for a second ’i don’t find that kind of humor funny’ and then you can lighten the conversation or terminate it. Your decision.

I noticed this happened with my husband's father, my father and now my mother too, have begun making lude jokes that they repeat because they think they are funny and entertaining. Maybe they think it's cool or something, but maybe your aunt is getting dementia. Some family members have just stopped inviting them to family functions, my father in law got a letter from the casino that he frequents, that stated he is no longer welcome there. Maybe when she starts a joke or comment, just change the subject? If she's calling everyday, she's probably lonely.

In a Polite way you need to tell her that in today's world jokes like those can offend people to to point that they can become violent! I had to remind my mother of this every time we went out shopping or to the doctor's. She would Memic people right to their faces of all Nationalities, it was very embarrassing and scary at times. Alot of the elderly were raised in a time where stuff like that was acceptable but still very wrong.

Do not feel obligated to have someone in your life because they are a relative. If she is offensive and making you uncomfortable, you can stop all contact. She may not be responsive to someone telling her she is inappropriate. There is probably a reason why your father was not in contact with her. Otherwise, you can be blunt and tell her that the words are offensive to you.

I suspect approaching the subject directly would be helpful. "Aunt So-and-so, I enjoy talking with you, but why do you feel the need to tell such offensive jokes?" Besides personally finding them offensive, you could emphasize that, particularly in these times, there is increased awareness for the need to eliminate all forms of discrimination and prejudice, and most people are trying their best to be sensitive as to how they treat others, especially those of different races and ethnicities. We're trying to be kind to each other rather than hateful.

She must be living alone with all her faculties? I’m just wondering & if so, then you can interrupt her when she starts up an offensive joke. Re-teach her. We teach people how to treat us. You can change the subject or just flat out tell her that you have love for all the people she’s joking about & can’t joke about it anymore with her. She may gossip about that but who cares. She’s calling people because she’s lonely. She grew up in a different era. She needs some slack cut for those reasons but I think you can change the conversations if she’s still with it. She must be if she knows how to dial & use a phone. Good luck :)