I am 29 years old, full time caregiver for my father since I work from home. He is 75 years old with numerous chronic health issues, he's been sick for many years and it has progressively gotten worse. He is still able to go to the bathroom by himself and shower, but its difficult for him. I make his meals every day, do all the daily tasks, clean, etc. He can walk a short distance but then has to sit down.
I haven't gone out on a date in over 7 months, nor have I really hung out with my friends because he is so worried about the virus. My social life has basically completely stopped. I don't even go out shopping for myself. I am at home 24/7 with him. I finally met someone I may be interested in, so I scheduled a date this week to meet him. When I told my dad this, he freaked out and said I was going to bring home the virus, how he's so worried about me going out at night (he's always been an over-protective parent but the older he gets, the worse this gets even though I am 29 years old).
He said its a bad idea and something horrible could happen to me. He says I shouldn't leave him alone with my cat because he's worried about my cat, too (my cat has his own room and stays in there if I leave the house so he shouldn't worry about this either). He keeps saying I'm probably going to have a drink on the date and something bad will happen if I drive (I'm responsible and don't drink & drive).
We spent a whole two hours today going back and forth about this. I am now filled with guilt and worried about leaving him alone for my date. I know intellectually I shouldn't feel this way. I deserve to have one night out after 7 months of nothing. It almost brought me to tears because I am so frustrated and angry that he's making me feel so bad about something so normal. Its like I can't have my own life.
He said "Fine, I should just go into a nursing home." Just because I want to go out on one date! Its like he's threatening me with moving into a nursing home because he knows that will fill me with even more guilt. It seems he loves feeling sorry for himself and I'm tired of it. He doesn't like when I leave the house at all for anything. He thinks something bad is always going to happen to me even if I leave the house for 30 minutes.
Now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date. I'll be too worried about him having a heart attack from worrying so much, my head won't be in the game. So ridiculous!
I appreciate any advice, and whether or not you think I should feel guilty for going. If you think I should cancel the date or just go.
You are 53 and that is is not old. It is never too late to meet and fall in love with someone special. I am glad you still have your friends. I lost a very dear friend 15 years ago who died of cancer that I have known since my teenage years. She was the only one that visited when I started taking care of my mother and continued until her death. Treasure those special friends of yours. Hope your dad is doing well. Sending a prayer to him.
No. You should not feel guilty.
What is really going on here? I think likely your dad feels very vulnerable and is trying to hold on to you as his total caregiver with both hands around your throat because he’s scared.
Is he selfish? Unless he has a history of being a bad dad, try reassuring him you love him, will be careful and will be home by x hour. Maybe let him meet the date? If he continues with his unreasonable demands, tell him you don’t want him to go to a nursing home but if he feels that’s what he needs to do to feel safe, you will support this decision. Kiss him good bye, tell him you love him and go on your date. Some lines need to be drawn. The more you give, the more he may expect. Right now his expectations are unreasonable. Don’t let him steal your life. You don’t owe him any of it and certainly not all of it.
Enjoy your date!
Tired worn out caregivers make mistakes, so your respite is for your father's benefit as well as yours.
Since the date, he does seem remorseful because I told him how bad he made me feel about it (after he realized I didn't die on the date) he said sorry and said he isn't trying to keep me at home forever, he just worries about me. I am working on the guilt I feel. Naturally I am introverted and a homebody so I wouldn't go out all the time even if I lived alone.
Trying to put myself out there more has been a challenge for me since I haven't done so in 7 months. Growing up with a paranoid parent, I guess I've taken on some of that paranoia about the world too, that's why I can't seem to relax. Anyway, thanks again everyone for your supporting words and great advice. Money is tight so hiring help isn't really in the cards but I am looking into programs that may be free or state run. I also agree that he needs friends, he's in pain 24/7 so he doesn't seem to want to mingle with anyone outside the home.
Happy your dad and you cleared the air so to speak. Things should be looking better as you move forward. The very best to you and your dear dad.
* try to find college students who either need a 'little money' and they can read / do their homework perhaps while being there with your dad just in case he needs something; or
* contact college dept in geriatrics, social work, physical therapy - the helping professionals.
* if your place could accommodate someone to live there, get a live-in for partial care in exchange for partial rent.
* Contact churches / community organizations
* Volunteers are good although DO the necessary due diligence and check references, etc. Some people need this experience to get into a field.
* If you have access to social worker with the County, ask them for suggestions.
* I'm REALLY glad you went out on a date.
You 'will enjoy' yourself on a date IF YOU WANT TO. You need to change your thinking. Every time you automatically respond (in your head or out loud), REFRAME the thought/words. i.e., when you say "now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date . . . " immediately change that to "I will enjoy myself on dates and meet new people."
- you are believing your negative inner messaging. It is understandable. We are a product (I said project, well, I'm a project too) of our environment and it is difficult to change 'who we think' we are esp when it is ingrained in us for decades.
- Take a step at a time.
- Being aware of how you are thinking is a major first step.
- Realizing you can change the interactions and relationship with your dad is huge - - - take a date or step at a time.
Gena / Touch Matters