Dad is CONSTANTLY moaning that he's stuck in the house and never gets to go anywhere. Wants me to visit (and sit in his house all the time).
Last few years I've made an effort to take him away for the weekend to watch cricket (something we both enjoy). Its hard work because of what he's like but hey ho.
BUT, he moans and moans. Trying to sort this year's trip and I'm getting every excuse under the sun.
1. It's too far to drive back in the dark. (the car has lights!)
2. I'm worried about you driving so far. (Its two hours drive away, leave it to me!)
3. I won't be able to sit and watch the game because I won't be able to get my mobility scooter in there. (How many times I tell him that venues are obliged to cater for the disabled I lose count!)
4. I don't want you to lose pay by taking a day off work (I am self employed and I do lose pay but hey ho, its all factored in).
Its pretty much the same with everything. He wants to do what he wants to do and everyone has to do it. Its no good asking him to compromise he won't. He's a nightmare.
Last xmas day my brother invited him to his house for xmas dinner. But brother had already arranged to meet friends, only for an hour, in the pub before dinner. He invited Dad along. Dad went nuts and said he didn't think its right for someone to go to the pub on xmas day.
Its getting to the point now where both of us think, sod it not offering any more, and ignoring the moaning.
Is this sort of thing normal for older people? Doesn't make sense to me at all. Maybe I'll be like it but surely they should making the most of their final years if they can (and Dads health isn't that bad)?
This is exactly what happened with my father-in-law. He needed this, that, or the other but every solution offered was not right. It was quite maddening. Then one day he had what appeared to be a seizure and ended up in the hospital. They did every test under the sun and it turns out he has vascular dementia and frontotemporal dementia. We think the day of the “seizure” he took his BP meds twice, so fortunately not anything serious but out of that came answers. He was quite stubborn in his younger years as well and we thought the things he was doing were because his wife passed away. Turns out it was dementia and my MIL covered for him.
Their brains are no longer wired correctly. What doesn’t make sense to you makes perfect sense to them. They know something is wrong, but they’re afraid. And all of those outings become terrifying because they can’t rmember exactly what they entail, so they make excuses because if they say they’re scared then that implies something is wrong. Doing those things are ways of hiding it.
Have you tried spending a few nights there with him? That’s what we learned- unless you wake up and go to bed with them (obviously not in the same bed) you begin to get a clearer picture. They’re comfortable in their home and more likely to let their guard down. Can you have his GP do a memory test? Good info there as well.
Good luck to you, it’s a hard road.
Always good to explore possible reasons but my mom has no dementia. Her neurologist gives her a thorough physical and mental check up. She has Parkinson's. Plus, I see her cognitive abilities, she will remind me of things that I forget! She is amazing.
Just saying that sometimes it isn't a dementia issue. Sometimes they simply lose interest in going out or for a variety of reasons they aren't able to push themselves out of their comfort zone. It's hard to accept when as their child, I remember how active my mom used to be. Her mom, my grandmother was always ready to go. She never, ever once told me no when I invited her to go on an outing. She was very upbeat and positive until she died.
It seems like my mom actually enjoys saying all the things that she can't do even though the nurses, occupational therapist, physical therapists, doctors, and me tell her that she can. She hates hearing the PT people telling her, Use it or lose it! She has become very negative which kills me because she used to be a positive person like her mom was.
It could also be that Dad, when he is complaining about not going anywhere is referring to daily trips out of the house, to the pub, lunch with friends etc. He may not be referring to a day away watching cricket. I know my former mil used to have similar complaints (she still does but it is not my problem anymore). Oh I never see you, but she never came over. She wanted everything her way much like your Dad.
As far as the Cricket goes, just let Dad know you are going whether or not he comes along. If he wants to join you ok, otherwise perhaps you can take your son with you.
He gets upset if I bring my daughter with me (shes 5) - his grandaughter. Sometimes I have no choice if wife is working.
He does it sometimes because he can.
Time is precious. Spend it wisely.
My brother would shout at her to stop feeling sorry for herself.
Well, we got her into Independent Living, got a Geriatric Psych who sorted her out with a better anti anxiety med, a real geriatrics doc who LISTENED to what she was telling him. GeriPsych INSISTED that we take her for cognitive testing.
Sharp as a tack? Mom could not reason her way out of a paper bag. She had graduated from college at the age of 82 Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Cognitive Sciences. She was now thinking and reasoning at the level of a not very bright 5 year old.
I'm a School Psychologist; you would THINK that I might have noticed those lost reasoning skills. But I didn't.
Another interesting factoid; the MRI that the neuropsych ordered showed that mom had had a stroke. We don't know when, but it had done quite a bit of subtle damage.
I think that you are making an awful lot of assumptions about your dad. But that's fine; we're just folks who have been down this road, trying to make it easier for others.
My father was the same way. He'd insist we go to lunch then one of my cousins would call and want to go to lunch that same day so he would blow me off. Once I asked why we all just couldn't go together. You could tell he did not want to do that. I realized why the one time we did do that....they talked to me and asked about me....my father wasn't the center of attention.
Try to observe how he uses the restroom at home & if he is abruptly leaving to go there then he is worried about accidents while away from his own space
Once mom started using adult diapers in the nursing home then she was quite willing to go out for hours - we often did shopping & have lunch
The potty thing is so real! My mom has phobias over having to use the bathroom. I just started buying diapers for when we go out because she complained that the pads were not holding enough.
That’s interesting because most of the time others can get them to do things that we, their children cannot.
That is why when I can have doctors or nurses weigh in on things I do. Carries more weight than I have with her.