I know, that's dramatic. My mother is currently caring for my father who suffers from depression, opioid addiction, severe mobility impairment, vascular dementia, and has a Russian prostitute problem. He has spent thousands of dollars on a dating site and believes to be in love with a young woman in Russia. He recently applied for a passport to go there and visited a travel agency which prompted a visit from Adult Services. He does not care that this is hurtful to his family. He does not know the truth from a lie. He will not hear questions about where all the money went or where these new random credit cards came from. He does, however want me, his daughter, to be able to someday accept his new found love. I should mention that I live two thousand miles away and can't be as present and helpful as I want to be. My mother is currently speaking with an attorney, with Adult Services, and with his doctors to discuss her options, as she lives in a community property state. Should she pursue guardianship? Assisted living? A nursing home? Divorce? A long walk off a short pier? Can anyone else relate to any of this? Thanks for reading.
And I also appreciate your responding to the posters' suggestions. Oftentimes we never again hear from someone who asks for advice.
Something I recall that people used to do years ago was place an ad in a legal newspaper (We used to have a few that specifically focused on legal news, legal postings, etc.) that he/she was not responsible for anyone's debts but his/her own. It was a disclaimer of liability for anyone else. And it would be suitable in this situation.
A divorce (now called "matrimonial" or "family" attorney) could probably offer advice on what local legal newspapers might exist in your mother's area. I don't know, however, if there's a comparable national legal newspaper for denying liability for other's debts.
I would also notify the issuers of the credit cards, even if they've been destroyed, just to be on record that she's not liable for any debts he incurs.
Just did a quick search; you might find some more information by searching on "Russian honey scams". The second hit is for the FTC; the sixth is for the US Russian Embassy; the following hit is a UK business site.
I'm just "thinking off the top of my head" now. He might try again to get a passport; the US Embassy might have some suggestions on declination of passports for someone with his medical and mental conditions. Maybe he could be permanently blocked from getting a passport.
But there may be other Russian honeys here in the US, even if he can't bring over the one he's involved with now (assuming that's his eventual goal).
As to your other specific questions, and with no offense to other posters' suggestions, I'm not sure how AL or some other placement is going to stop his activities. If he's got access to the Internet or a phone, he can still contact his Russian honey.
If he's in a secure facility with no outside contact (and I have no idea whether he's at that stage), then he can't contact her. But that could provoke some outbursts or violent behavior if he tries to escape.
I think getting guardianship would be very trying, and frustrating, as your mother would be moving from the position of a wife to that of an overseer. And she'd probably face a lot of wrath and hostility from him as he would probably see her efforts as meddling or too controlling. I think her anxiety level would spike.
If guardianship is seriously considered a possibility, it might be better to get a professional guardian, but that also involves risks b/c of the abuse by guardians of the system...not all of them, but enough to be concerned.
Divorce is a possibility; but ask a matrimonial lawyer if someone with dementia can be divorced. He might be considered some level of a protected person.
And I think the really sad part of this is that the uncontrolled change in his rationality and common sense is to someone who is your very own parent.
Dad is probably out of reach, and as his health issues progress, he will only have more. Support Mom all you can, and run defense for her with Dad. I pity and admire you Mom at the same time.
I have Googled this dating site and have found a few disgruntled souls out there but there must be more. I will check out consumer reporting agencies. Thank you!
My mother has POA and her name is on all the legit accounts. He has taken out two or three credit cards behind her back and she has since had his credit frozen so he can't that again.
I saw this first hand when one of my tenants shot himself in the front driveway of the home he was renting. he had actually married a Russian woman and she was about to visit him with her sister and they may have actually been in the country already. he had been depresses for a long time and had been planning this for a while.
I hope your mother has found a good lawyer and will follow his advice. i don't know if divorce is possible when someone has a dementia diagnosis. He is no longer responsible for his actions because he no longer knows right from wrong so Mom has to take whatever actions are necessary to protect herself. I hope it all works out soon for everyone concerned.
As your mother is already setting the wheels in motion, best to hope that she can have your father officially declared lacking mental capacity and take control of their joint finances. It may not be totally straightforward - when was his dementia diagnosed?
There are, alas, a good many men who've fallen for this vicious fraud; and it can be surprising how often they are neither demented nor stupid but just bewitched.
You could usefully look up some consumer lobby group sites and gather first hand experiences from victims who've lost their life savings to these evil bastard scam artists or people traffickers (either way, they want whipping). Hearing the truth from men just like him who've learned it the hard way might shake his blind faith in Miss Russia.
I'm so sorry you're all having to deal with this. How's your mother coping? - she's being very business-like about things, by the sound of it, but it must be heart-breaking for her. I hope there will be progress very soon.
First step, get some tech support and block the Russian Dating site. If need be, disconnect the internet from the home.
While that is happening, yes, your mother needs legal advice. Can she also have the mail redirected while she is sorting out the legal side of things? Is her name on any of the bank accounts? Make sure her accounts do not have his name on them to protect her assets.