My 82-year old mother moved in to live with us 7 years ago. My husband and I are both 61 and employed full-time in professional careers. We would like to retire in a few years and would like to invest in a few home improvements while we are still employed. My mother was raised in nice homes with others taking care of maintenance, so she never worried about taking care of a home. Our home is an older home that requires a lot of maintenance inside and out. Our living room carpet should have been replaced when we bought the home 8 years ago but we decided to wait. It has since been water damaged twice due to a dishwasher malfunction. It’s also time for fresh paint and updated window treatments. We’ve been getting estimates, and my mother is acting like her life is being threatened. She refuses to allow us to replace the carpet or paint because of VOC’s. We’re also pricing hardwood floors, and that’s a big “no” for her as well because of the sealant. We had to have insect treatment earlier this year to control an ant infestation, and she’s never let us hear the end of what she’s decided was a “bad idea” and “stupid move”. She is physically healthy and still mostly self-sufficient, but has recently been diagnosed with MCI (mild cognitive disorder). I’m trying to find the middle ground so everyone gets what they want, but no luck so far. Any ideas/suggestions?
top down (floors last). Aging.com site has staffing agencies and other resources to support you and mom -
of course if she has LTC insurance, financial stability or others she can stay with while work is done that’d be good too - takes a village to do this-
the time for you and hubby to enlist Yours is now.
It is your house. She really has no say.
It should be obvious to M that this is not her home and she is not able to make the decisions about it. If she is not even acknowledging this, it is an early sign of a control issue that will only get worse. My suggestion is that you start a slow process of finding somewhere else for her to live. Take her to visit two or three AL places. Go ahead with the house work, and let her know that if she does in fact have a bad reaction to any of the products, she can choose where it would be best for her to move to. You don’t expect that she will need to, but you are willing to have a back-up plan in case she is guessing right about the potential problems.
One more thing - you said she "refuses to allow". It's not down to her to "allow" or to "refuse". If that's the way you think about it, you need to sort out your own ideas as well as hers!
Mom knows carpet is basically a dirt sponge. You can always get luxury laminate floors, versus hardwood. Her excuses are weak. These are all attempts to control your lives, and out of line.
If she's self-sufficient, she can find her own place to live. Her opinions shouldn't matter at all.
Is her name on the mortgage? Does she pay to live there?
Bottom line, your house, your money.
I can't even wear nail polish without feeling like I have the flu. There are certain clothing stores where I can smell the "sizing" used on new clothes the minute I walk through the door.
There are paints today that have no smell, they are No-VOC paints. Have someone take Mom out for the day, and quickly paint one small room (like a laundry room) and see if Mom notices any smell later.
As for carpeting. I remember when growing up we had wool carpeting which was fine, no VOC issues. Search around, you should be able to find really nice no VOC or low VOC. It will be a lot healthier also for your and your hubby.
Ah, the glue that is used to put down flooring.... makes my eyes water just thinking about it. Have you considered a "floating hardwood floor"? Or wait until your Mom moves to Memory Care later down the road.
Is this issue with your Mom a more recent one or has she had this sensitivity to VOC all her life? If it is more within the past decade or so, you need to consider that you may develop this later on. I had inherited mine from my Dad who had it most of his life.
Does she have a relative she can go visit for a while so she's gone during the improvements? Maybe don't even tell her what's going on since she doesn't seem to handle the very thought of the changes.
Is she on any meds for anxiety or depression? If not it may be time to think about this, before you consider trying to transition her into a facility or hire in-home companion aids to keep her busy and thinking about other things.
Good luck.
If she doesn’t like the accomadations you provide , she can go live in assisted living , which may be a good idea , since she is only going to become more difficult with dementia coming on .