My mother is 94 and increasingly frail/semi-bedbound, but is bright mentally a lot of the time, and everyone assures me she "has capacity". This means she can absolutely make her own decisions about her care. For context, she has a history of being emotionally manipulative/narcissistic, which also complicates things.
She has two visits a day from caregivers, plus meals on wheels (all put in place by me/social services, in discussion with her, when it became clear three years ago that she was at risk of self-neglect). However she won't let the carers do anything, apart from give her her medication. Things are gradually deteriorating, to the extent that I often find her semi-naked, and soiled, which I find really distressing.
I have been told in no uncertain terms that I should "back off" and "stop being so anxious" - by the palliative care nurse, the care team lead, and the social worker. But it is very hard to do. After last night's visit I contacted the care team and raised my concerns, and the manager kindly visited her this morning, but phoned me to say she couldn't persuade her to get dressed, and we need to accept she is making her own choices.
How do I look after myself and "detach with love" or whatever the Al Anon phrase is? After the visit last night I am really struggling with feelings of sadness, exhaustion, and frustration. I know I can't change her behaviour - she is fully entitled to refuse the care offered - but how do I look after myself?
I have thought about not visiting as often, but struggle with feelings of guilt.
Can anyone relate?