Seeking wisdom on how to handle (or not handle) my elderly (over 80) mother’s drinking. I am an only child that lives far away from my mom. She is mentally all there, though she has some mobility issues from arthritis. She is widowed, lonely and bored. She has always been a drinker, but in the last couple of years, I’ve noticed a change. The time of day has crept earlier to 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and she drinks the equivalent of 2-4 double vodkas followed by a glass of wine or beer with dinner. Luckily she isn’t mixing any medications, but I think this is quite a bit to imbibe nightly. It’s tough to talk to her on the phone…she slurs, and her personality changes and not for the better. In person, she’s noticeably drunk. It is very tough for me to sit back and watch…she is very defensive when questioned, and publicly presents a different person…especially to her doctors. I wouldn’t want anyone telling me how to live, and I am empathetic to how hard it is to live alone and find yourself getting old. What to do or not do???
If you use the search 🔍 for Upstream, you can find her posts and might gain some insight from her experience.
You wrote: "She is mentally all there"
After what you wrote describing your mother,
that is simply not true.
You wrote: "Luckily she isn’t mixing any medications".
Either she is not taking any medications at all, or this is not true.
Certainly don't move her closer or in with you!!! That's a never never thing to do. You don't need to be dealing with an alcoholic in your nearby space.
She has chosen by past actions what will happen to her. Basically we all do.
Doesn't really make much difference what she dies of at this point.
Alcoholism is a disease; I understand your concerns been dealing with this all my life with my mother.
You can’t change her behavior. You can only change your reaction to her drinking. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to attend Al-Anon meetings.
Addiction is a disease. She can’t quit cold turkey because she will experience serious withdrawal symptoms.
Your mom needs to detox safely. She is the only person who can decide if she wants help. You can’t help anyone who isn’t interested in receiving help.
Wishing you peace.
Depending on her interests or hobbies, whatever it takes to get her more engaged in daily life may be a positive influence for her - or perhaps moving to a senior community.
She most likely will fall.
Hopefully she will be found before she dies from her injuries.
If she is found and has to go to rehab most likely she will not be able to drink while there.
Make sure her doctors are aware that she is an alcoholic and drinks daily. Detox can be difficult if not deadly. You can send her doctors a note in the patient portal of by mail if you do not have access to her file. If you are not listed on HIPAA forms they can not respond but the information will be noted.
Make sure mom is fully aware that if she falls she most likely will not be able to return home unless she has a caregiver. (since you live far away PLEASE do not turn your life upside down to move to help her or move her so you can help her) This would mean residence in Assisted Living facility.
You don't have to tell her how to live you need to tell her how she will live if something happens.
Not everyone that lives alone finding themselves getting older pounds down 2 to 4 double vodkas followed by beer or wine daily. Mom is an alcoholic and probably has been one for a very long time.
When you talk to her and it is obvious that she has been drinking tell her that you can not carry on a conversation with her at this time and hang up. Repeat as often as is necessary.
You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. She's had her whole adult life to work on it, and chose not to.
You can't want her sobriety more than she does.
If you are her legal PoA, then please know she is an increased fall risk, or a liver disease risk. If she needs to go to the ER, then make sure she isn't discharged by telling the staff she is an "unsafe discharge" and that you're not her caregiver and cannot be. Then ask to talk to the hospital's social worker to discuss transition directly into a facility. Even if you're not her PoA you can do all of this. Whatever you do, do NOT do anything that will allow her to go back to her home.
Does she still drive? I hope not... if so, this is something you should try to prevent since you're in the best position to do so, even though it's not technically your responsibility. You can search on this forum for how to do this from a distance -- there's plenty of info here.
And also:
"Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is a... type of memory disorder due to a lack of thiamin (vitamin B1) requiring immediate treatment. It most often happens in people with alcohol use disorder and malnutrition. While there isn't a cure, healthcare providers can recommend treatments to manage symptoms."
Source: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22687-wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome
The common term for this type of cognitive problem is "wet brain". It's possible your Mom could also have an untreated UTI, but you can't do much about it. You can consider reporting her to her county's APS agency so that she's on their radar as a vulnerable adult. She may get a case worker that you can communicate with, should your Mom land in the ER with no PoA. A judge can eventually assign her a legal guardian (it won't be you) and then you won't have to worry about caring for her, she will be protected and cared for by the guardian. I have personal experience with this in our own family. It was a good experience.
I wish you clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart that you cannot and should not insert yourself in her life going forward.
But in the meantime, definitely check out an Al-Anon program near you, as there are always quite a few to choose from in any given city. They will help you better understand this horrible disease of alcoholism and what you should and shouldn't be doing.
You state that your mother is "mentally all there" but I can tell you that the fact that she feels the need to drink to drown her sorrows tells you that in fact she's not all mentally there and needs help. She's obviously suffering from depression.
But again, until an alcoholic asks for help they will never be open to it,
Your mother has choices as to how she wants to live her life, and just because she's a widow, and lonely and bored is no excuse to not get out in the world and meet friends for lunch or dinner, go the many activities that Senior Services offer, or join local senior groups in whatever her interests are. She could even be volunteering at one of the many charitable organizations that are in desperate need of help.
But she's not doing any of that, and that is sad. She would rather stay at home and drink away her sorrow and be depressed.
I am a widow, live by myself and am never bored. Now I am only 64, so yes I'm aware there's an age difference, but I stay very busy with my different volunteer opportunities, my church and my friends and family, and working in my yard and in my house. Those activities fill my days and my soul, and I honestly don't have time to be bored.
And my first husband and my son are both recovering alcoholics, so I know how very difficult it is to watch someone seemingly throwing away their lives, until they're ready to get help. It's heartbreaking to say the least.
I would perhaps let her doctors know about her drinking, as most medications don't mix well with alcohol, and I do hope and pray that she's not getting behind the wheel of her car and driving when she's drunk, as you certainly don't want her killing some innocent person or family.
I'm sorry that you're having to witness your mother live out her days like this. Hopefully she will see the light soon and get the help she needs, so she can actually enjoy whatever time she may have left on this earth.
If you can talk to her when sober, and if she is reasonable then, you could let her know that you are concerned. You could tell her that drinking alcohol can affect her balance, that she won't heal as easily now she is older in the case of a fall. Or that alcohol contributes to a person's likelihood of developing dementia. Just let her know that you are speaking out of care, not judgement.
However, you can only say any of this if she would listen calmly and not get aggressive or spiteful. Plus, she doesn't have to take any notice.
Ultimately, you cannot change your mother's behaviour. Only she can, if she wants to. Remember, it isn't your fault or responsibility.
AlvaDeer suggested Al-Anon. Just like all the people reading and writing on these forums, it would be good for you to connect with others who understand what you are going through. Peer advice and moral support are sometimes all that stand between us and despair. Lean on them.
You will learn very quickly there that you have NO control over an alcoholic. There is nothing you can do for an alcoholic.
You will get access to a whole lot of support and information FOR YOURSELF.
Again, there is nothing you can do for her.
Eventually you will get "the call" that she is down and has broken something, or worse. That is likely an inevitability with alcoholism combined with aging.
I am so sorry.
Do attend Al-Anon.