What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

that dump she frequents all they do is take her money and do not care... I am at the point now I agree with hummingbird.... As it is making me ill

Izzie my mum still shops pays her bills and goes to the bank? she has vascular dementia as for her doc I had to push and push to get her assessed don't always think docs know it all my mums certainly didn't.

I hope its not dementia maybe get her to see a geriatrician that's what I did.

kazza maybe right.

she has been told to stay at home with carers..... we will see what happens.... this place she frequents do not like families....

but as she has some capabalities she has her hairdresser come once a week as well has it coloured....

she does not seem to like the fact the scheme manager moved as it made her feel safe.... the place she sometimes frequents has been very rude to me on several occasions. social services have been rude to me as well.... joanne and hummingbird your answers are good and as given me something to think about.

maybe kazza, but she does go shopping and still goes to the bank and pays her bills.... GP does not suspect anything untoward..... at present the scheme manager moved out of the house attached to sheltered housing to a house around the corner apparantly this is widespread in all sheltered housing now.

I agree Joanne ... I am in that situation and have learned that there is nothing I can do but wait for the hills to turn to mountains...maybe then it will be out of my hands and into the hands of social services, doctors, or God forbid .. the Almighty ...

If she clearly wishes for things that are not in her best interest, and refuses to follow doctor's orders, then how can they say she is of sound mind? Remember all you caregivers that everyone has the right to make bad decisions. Sometimes the only thing you can do is back off and wait for a crisis, because there will be one. If they are hospitalized make sure the discharge planner and medical social worker know the score, but even then if they are alert and oriented X3 they can still make bad decisions. Take a deep breath, no one is judging you, support them as best you can and wait for another crisis, eventually because of their own decisions they will have something happen that forces a change. Good luck

Do you think she may have dementia and is afraid and dosnt want you to know? My mum withdrew from everything last year shopping,going out thats when I knew something serious was wrong? It can seem like depression at first have you spoken to her doctor?

my mum was always bit a different as I can be at times.... instead of arguing with me she should be open and then I would accept it.......

if she could afford it then there would not be a problem.... as my mum has always been strong-willed..... it is turning out that she was hiding something from everyone.... there was one friend she would sometime tell things before me who she had known for 50 years and they have said the same she is hiding something....

thanks for that.... but she can not afford it.... She never wanted to put on me with being an only child... I know some would think of the money... I don't... as she has not any.... she has good friends in the sheltered housing where she lives who would do anything for her..... I can see your point and it has helped what you say....

Your mother might know what is better for her than you do. She sounds like a very strong woman and could be hiding things from you so as not to have you worry. Independent Living in a home still makes you responsible for yourself, but you dont have to cook, clean and can have laundry done.. kind of like a hotel. If she can afford it, let her go. I work in an independent home and people do not have to have special care to move in. She just may be tired of doing for herself and doesnt want to bother you to do it. Your problem is exact opposit of what is usually posted. I wish my mother parents would consider this, but they wont and they are 90 years old. Mom with dementia and dad trying to care for her. So, if she has the money, so be it. Some times children dont want them to go because it will use up all the money ...

My mum wanted to go in a care home when when was capable of independent living. She need help with some care for herself. she went out in a taxi everyday to morrisons cafe for her hot chocolate and a cake.... And she kept wanted to live in a home by the way she never did.... used to stay in one now and again and pay her own fees. She lived in sheltered housing she had some good friends there who would have done anything for her. She withdrew from all activities. went to morrisons and would not bother with anyone even me at times..... As she wanted to go in a home. The authorities had never come across anything like it..... why would anyone want to give up everything they had worked for when there was no need.

Put them in a wheelchair gag them then wheel them to doc and lawyer and get it all done there and then. Then wheel them home and make them dinner!!!!!!!!!!! sorry but having a very bad day and same problems like you! feel like doing this after the day ive had.
She wont go to doc for flu jab,she wont see lawyer about POA,she wont go for walk,wont eat healthy foods someone shoot me!

my 83 yr old mom does not want to do colonoscopy. she has had some anima.
she wants to die whats ever inside her. I want to say ok its your life. BUT MY BROTHER WANTS HER TO DO WHAT DR WANTS .WHAT DO WE DO?

I am just getting started on a similar situation. Mom lives 2 hours away, alone in her own home. My brother, who lives near her, is joint POA, and does not get around to fixing up her place, spending enough time with her, just seems to think the whole problem will just go away, doesn't speak to me, considers me a busy body, etc. She has extreme difficulty getting out of a chair because of pain from arthritis, I don't know how she bathes, but she is incontinent and the house smells, she's never had a dryer, my brother was supposed to get her one about seven years ago, and the place is dusty, dirty and in need of maintenance. When I last visited, she was acting out of sorts, just not the
"has it all together" person she always was. There were lots of red flags that things were not going well. I managed to get her doctor's name off medicine bottles (she would not tell me), and talked to him after faxing him the Durable Medical POA that she was supposed to give him. He told me he did not think she should be living alone anymore. I mentioned that her sister died 2 months ago and she seems depressed, he said he would do a mental evaluation at their next appointment this month and would not mention speaking with me. He would then call me and give me his opinion, which may include him contacting a visiting nurse to assess her living situation and possibly work with the county aging office, which I can't do without her consent, to look at possible caregiving solutions.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, where there was abuse but we never talked about it. By going to her doctor, I broke the golden rule. I have to live with that guilt and the crap that I am going to get from my brother, who may have to wake up and start paying some attention to her finances, etc.
Fortunately, her doctor seems to understand my dilemma and is keeping me in the background. I don't know what will happen from here, but it will not be easy. Thanks everyone for the support.

Wow again! It is good that I found this site. I was looking for answers to a similar problem on the web when I found these postings. I did not know that so many people were going through what I was going through. I have a father with Alzheimer’s and a mother with severe emotional problems. Both are in their 80s. My mother is home bound and my father no longer drives. Their house is filled with junk from the basement to the second floor. It’s filled with junk to the ceiling in some places. My mother refuses to get rid of anything. Although my mother has serious problems she is a master manipulator. They let no one in the house. And if someone sees the inside and comments (like an ambulance technician) my mother hires someone temporarily and then dismisses them after people have seen the cleaner in the house. My mother had convinced my cousin that I was mistreating them. I tried to explain the situation to my cousin beforehand but she did not believe me. My cousin, a kind and caring Christian, tried to intervene with them but eventually lost patience and gave up. My cousin does understand now. At least someone understands. I feel sorry for my father and my mother but until they hit bottom I don’t see what I can do. I have a very demanding job that I cannot afford to jeopardize. I am willing to help manage their affairs but am not in a position to care for them personally. And yes, I get calls at 10 pm from my mother asking me to run some errands for her. I have to be up at 3 am to go to work. And yes, I too am the only remaining child. My mother can become verbally abusive and very nasty at times. Sometimes I get phone calls in the middle of the night and hear her rant and rave about something and I have no idea what she is talking about. I now have an answering machine, with the sound turned down and the ringer off so I can get some sleep. However, my parents can become very clever and benign when talking to their PCP, neighbors, nurses, and even emergency care workers. They both refuse to give me any information concerning wills or even what medication that they are taking. The doctors wanted to put my mother in an assisted living facility but she refuses. I am not insensitive to the difficulties of growing old. I’m no young man myself. But I have no clue what to do. Although I have learned a great deal by reading all the postings, the consensus appears to be to wait until some catastrophic event occurs that proves to the legal and medical community that they can really no longer function on their own. That is very sad.

Wow! Life happens fast, and you never realize when it's your time to try and take over. But I have realized that sometimes you have to let nature take its course one day at a time. My Dad is a nasty old cuss and has always been very difficult to deal with. Mom (a saint) is the primary care giver, but is wilting under the relentless load. Dad began going down hill about 2 1/2 years ago, but the progression has sped up greatly over the past 3 months into 2013. He's refused his doctor appointments over the past 6 months, and has lost a great deal of weight from refusal to eat. His Dr says there is nothing anyone can do right now, but to continue to try our best to make him comfortable, and to just wait. He has refused all medical care, though seems to take his meds each day. He is barely able to get up to the bathroom, and has fallen so many times, and is unable to get himself up again, the local rescue squad have become his best friends. Though he can converse and appears fully competent, his paranoia has increased steadily with his mild dementia, and he is rightly concerned we may have to forcefully place him in care. I personally hope, his wish for dying peacefully at home, comes before we have to forcefully move him due to injury or illness. We all do our best to take care of those we love, but know it is not neglect on our part, when they are stubbornly refusing our care. My only concern now is for my mom, that she is not injured caring for dad, and that she will be able to enjoy life awhile longer when this all passes.

sounds like my mom

my husband has nph but is stable after a shunt,now in rehab and wants to know can he leave without a docters permission, does it effect his insurence, he is 82

Unless you have legal guardianship of your mom you cannot be held accountable for neglect. Professionals have not declared her incompetent, so legally she is responsible for herself. Forcing a competent elderly to your wishes could be deemed coersion which is considered a form of elder abuse. Take care of yourself and if you can afford it seek legal advise about this situation.

JennyGC: There are 13 stairs up to my mom's front door and thirteen steps down to an empty garage where the trash cans are stored. My mom has a hip prothesis and spine problems and continual laser treatments on the eyes. She also refuses any outside help. I am suffering having to live with her (getting infections, etc.) They have an answering tape on the elder abuse hotline. If we leave our elders, is that elder abuse? I feel like a traitor if I go to an elder abuse lawyer.

My mother has end stage renal disease, congestive heart failure, COPD, diabetes, an eliostomy, cataracts on both eyes, degenerative disc disease, a-fib w. pacemaker, defibrillator, and has had pneumonia 7 times in 7 months with hospitalizations each time. Now, she is currently in the hospital and they are wanting to send her home. She was also in a nursing home for therapy before this last hospitalization. She has fell & broke her pelvic bone, this was one of several falls in the last few years; all resulting in broken bones & rehab. facilities after.(Six stays to be exact.) I have just about had it. She does not have round the clock care at home. Please help?

In Texas my experience has been that the elderly person has to be hospitalized for 3 days before they can be admitted into a nursing home!!!

I would also like to add that I have looked for advice from law school students (who meet at the Doctor's office every week) about this matter. No answers.

I am having the same problem. I am an only kid and married, but at our age there are no children involved anymore. I wonder where this will be taking us. My husband is patient as I live most of the year 1,500 miles away. People keep saying I can get paid but the Mom (88) is still $2,000 over the Medicaid limit. I have 0 income over the last 3 years on my annual social security report, which needless to say does not help my own social security outlook.

Have you and your mother talked about what her advance directives are? In other words, how does she see all this playing out? Maybe she wants to live independently until she goes to a hospital and is not interested in any interim situation. If this is the case, she may be poorly informed about what her options might be. If your mother has money.... There are some really nice assisted living facilities that may meet her needs for the time being. They can be pricey but not as bad as they sound when you factor in what services are included. If she doesn't have the money for one of the nicer places, then you need to listen hard to what she is saying she wants and explain that her refusal of the interim assistance will cause her to end up someplace worse.
Too bad. I admire your knowing and setting your limits. Good for you.

I will contact an elder lawyer. My brother gets a very small amount from SSi. I am sure it would not be enough to continue the house. I do think she has Medicare or Medicaid already. Thank you !

Do you know how I can go about looking getting one of those beds that goes up and down like a hospital bed? They are thinking this will help.