Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?

m/w?

Happy Holidays! Tis the season of crazy busy-ness added to the top of our already busy lives. I have missed you guys but things have been rather busy lately. My dad is all worried about where my brother will spend the holidays (I sold the house this summer, remember) and I retorted "with his girlfriend" - dad now has a rash and they are wanting me to do his laundry. I have spoken with dr twice and she says NO. It is just his nerves and his worries. It makes me mad b/c m/w my brother doesnt care!

Lovingdaughter - my dad's house was on market less than a month and it sold. A 40 year old house! God has a will of working things out! It is so AWESOME to see a lit tree in the window when we drive by - haven't seen that in years!

Hugs to all!

Sister, Thanks so much. Went to load mom into the car. One of her caregivers was taking her to a Christmas Play. The car was dead!!!!!!! Her lift seat was dead. Had to get a neighbor to jump start it. Thanks God for wonderful neighbors. Need to go the the Count My Blessings thread today!!!!!!!

Sorry to hear you're in pain, lovingdaughter. Praying you will heal and be able to enjoy all the blessings of Christmas. As for your mother, is there someone else who can take her out, and help you out? That would give you a little respite, and perhaps some time to relax. Also hoping the sale of your home goes well. A great ELP we found said it's a "buyer's market, and price is everything..." That's not always good for the seller. At least you have one, and can be thankful, because so many are losing theirs. Best wishes! :) Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

Mom wants to go shopping. I get it, but what she doesn't get is that I have been going to the chiropractor for 3 weeks since my neck and shoulders are so bad. Yet, she keeps asking to go out. Can't lift the wheelchair, so in a week, my husband and I are going to take her out. She cares for nothing but herself. Question. Do we all get life that? If so, shoot me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God my brother and his wife are doing Christmas. I just don't have it in me this year. Sunday, someone is coming to look at the house! Cross your fingers. Selling a home these days is just a disaster!!!!

You said it Annie. Sometimes I feel like there is not enough gratitude or respect for elders in our society. I wonder if part of the problems is that our socieity has created a system where it is not considered a normal part of family life to care for our elders.

I wonder what will happen when I am old, will I be someone who is "put up with"? I shudder to think that no matter what, being old is not respected.

Dear Carol,

Change is always never easy, for anyone and change that comes with illness, is the hardest to cope with.
Life is like a wheel, when we were young, our parents were the ones to worry and to some extent restrict our activities, remember how we may have rebelled...
Well, the shoe is on the other foot now and we stand in their place and sometimes, it gets real frustrating, when you have only their best interest at heart (just as they had our best interest at heart, when they held the wheel).

My advice is this, even though things may get so very difficult, if we only can step back, for just a moment and look at them, as children, we will find the inner strength to handle any situation.

If your child were to give you a hard time, will you give up on them? I would not, because I love and care for them. It is the same with our parents, when they grow old.

When illness takes hold of them, they sometimes cannot be blamed for their actions and we have to look deep inside our own selves, to find the courage and the love, to cope, knowing very well, that we maybe yelled at, or blamed for... but we carry on, knowing that while we do the right thing by our parents, we will be fine and if we look to the Lord to give us the strength we need, He surely will bless us with the courage to face all things.

I have read so many of the situations, that appear on this site, from caregivers who just find themselves nearing the end of their tether and my hearts goes out to them, however, I still find myself asking the same question, what if the tables were turned and we were the ones with the problem and our parents were the ones having to cope with it.... would they be handling the situation, the same way, or will they cope, however they can, because you are their child..... I can only leave each one of you to answer it...
God bless.

Thanks for your support and understanding. I took mom out today to get her hair done and get small gifts for some of our family. She was used to giving large amounts of money and expensive gifts, this year is going to be a lot different with things from the dollar store, but she did not argue with me. At least it did lift her spirits and gave her a change of scenery from the nursing home.

Welcome teklathomann! And yes, Gigglebox, I did read this post. It's a great reminder.

Bob DeMarco, of the Alzheimer's Reading Room, shared a maneuver that works with his mom when she is argumentative or troubled. He brings his forehead to hers and says to her 'I understand, and I here with you to help you." ... or words to that effect.

Just saw Wall-E on TV again. The pretty white Robot Eve had finally realized what love Wall-E had for her, and when they got back to earth, she carried him to his junk box and swapped out broken pieces, as he was mangled and unconscious.

Wall-E came alive, but only in robot cleanerupper mode. What to do? She finally touched their foreheads together, with a little zap added, and his soul came alive as well.

I thank God every day that mom is sharp and reasonable. I don't know what I would do if she didn't have all her faculties. However, the day might come and when it does, I thank all of you for the information and support that you have given to me and to all of us on this site. Pray for all of us and remember that we are all her for each other.

Teklathomann, You have found the right place - we all need encouragement... I do hope Secret Sister reads your post... she earlier posted an excellent similar thought that I had never thought of before - put yourself in their shoes... it is hard... you are being criticized, you are being yelled at... you are at your wits end and you are the only one taking care of things... you are the caregiver martyr that you are and you are making sacrifices in your time, your family, you! Because you are a caregiver... BUT think of how the careGIVEE feels... I didn't like to think in their mind, be in their shoes... the main thing is the one you are caring for is losing independence - you are making the decisions. PRAY AND PRESS on is my latest motto. Easier said than done..I know... but you have prayers!

OMG! I have found the right place. I am so glad that I am not alone. All of this sounds like my mom.

The best advice I can offer is to try to picture yourself in her shoes. I know that's extremely hard to do as I struggle with it. But things work nicer when I do. When my mom starts complaining or crying about her situation.....I just let it go in one ear and out the other. I do it with respect, care and consideration though. Not to be rude or inconsiderate.

This gives my mom the opportunity to flush the feelings out and then we can move on.

Besides, who else is going to listen to her other than you?

I know this is not easy and I struggle with it daily. But it is getting easier.

Mom turned on me today with a vengence. I had things pretty much on an even keel and mom and my sister were getting along over Thanksgiving, but now Medicaid has messed that all up. Mom is upset because she will have to cash in the value on her life insurance policies and they are counted as assets here in North Daktoa, plust she is hot because she only get $50 spending money a month. Then she yelled at me and told me I as at fault and accusing me of giving up on caring for her for five years in our apartment. Also blaming me for having to admit the problems she was having with falling down and waking up and getting confused and wandering at night. Also I am the only family member going to visit her on a regular basis and spending my afternoons with her and most of the day Sunday. I had just set up going out to lunch with her and getting her hair done, then three hours later calls me and gives me a guilt trip.

Please everyone, DON'T TYPE IN CAPS, except for stressed words. Typographically, it's very hard to read. Your stories are moving and need to be shared, but let's be able to read them easily. Thanks, a former ITU typesetter (International Typographic Union).

me to gigglebox I preach to myself daily and I talk to myself daily and sometimes right out loud. It helps yes laugh you have to to keep your sanity, I poke fun all the time and I know God is going to get me for it know what God knows what I'm dealing with and I bet I make him laugh to. Mr. Obama says NOW IS THE TIME FOR CHANGE amen but in our own lives not everyone elses Do something good for you and your hubby you'll be glad you did. Let the snide remarks roll off your back keep practicing it works than make a joke about it I am the funniest person I know when it comes to making jokes about what goes on in my house and I share it with as many people as will listen including the therapist don't get me started I'm like a box open me up and everything comes tumbling out. LOL talk about it even to yourself it helps immensly.

Balls of wax...balls in court... how about a sibling who works in a soup kitchen but won't come see his own father... when house is sold.. he asks how much WE got for it... I correct him - how much the nursing home got for it... We are all in the same big boat but dealing with different issues... mine aren't as extreme as the rest of yours... Tranquility... my motto is this I AM ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS AND REACTIONS.... easier said than done and I have to preach it to myself daily... but you see here that you got friends in high places.. family in low places - come on, laugh to keep from crying! We are there with you!

Tranquility, I see that Secret Sister is lifting you up in prayer and giving you words of encouragement. We all need that. We grow weary of doing good and not getting any appreciation for it but criticism. You know in your heart that you are doing the right things and God cries when you cry. What matters to you, matters to Him. Take it to Him in prayer... I haven't read all of your post just yet but I am praying for you... take care of you and your hubby - no guilt no shame.... my husband now has diabetes b/c he has put himself on the backburner for years dealing with our parents. It is not selfish to take care of you, to say NO and to scream when you have to! I have found this website/post most helpful - it just helps to know that you are not alone! Your name is Tranquility and I am praying for His peace in your life... easier said than done, I know... I like my little box - it's those darn family members outside my box that try to creep in, don't help, criticize, point fingers that cause the turmoil. Hang in there, kiddo!

i THINK YOUR MOM KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING MINE DOES THE SAME THING UNTIL I CALLED HER BLUFF ABOUT THREE TIMES NOW SHE LIVES WITH ;ME BUT STAYS IN HER ROOM DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF US UNLESS i'M COOKING AND THAT IS FINE WITH ME. i TAKE HER SHOPPING AND TO HER DOC APPTS SHE WON'T TAKE ANYTHING EITHER AND BY THE WAY SHE IS NARCISSITIC GOOGLE THAT SEE IF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR IF SO THERE ISN'T MUCH YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT EXCEPT CHANGE THE WAY YOU HANDLE THE SITUATIONS SHE TRIES TO PUT YOU IN BELIEVE ME YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. STOP FEELING GUILTY THATS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO FEEL YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG SO DON'T FEEL GUILTY, YOUR SIBLINGS ARE LIKE MINE THO MINE KNOW BETTER THAN TO TURN AGAINST ME THEY WILL GET HER IN A NEW YORK MINUTE. MY BROTHER NEVER EVER CALLS WRITES SENDS CARDS NOTHING MY SISTER EMAILS ME SHE LIVES VERY FAR AWAY ALL i WANT IS HER EAR EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE. BUT i'VE LEARNED TO JUST CHALK IT UP TO EXPERIENCE AND GO ON MY MERRY WAY. I STILL WORK FULL TIME, I MENTOR A CHILD, I TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL AND DO WHAT I WANT TO DO. MY MOTHER WANTS TO STAY IN HER ROOM WITH ALL HER BOXES WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY BUT SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY AND I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY AND THE STRENGTH TO WORK ON A LOST CAUSE, SHE LIVED HER LIFE THE WAY SHE WANTED, IF YOUR MOTHER HATES IT IN NC SO MUCH WHICH BY THE WAY I LIVED THERE FOR FIVE YEARS ITS A BEAUTIFUL STATE, I NOW LIVE IN GA. LOL SEND HER ASS BACK OR REALLY TELL YOUR BROTHER ITS HIS BALL OF WAX SEE IF HE CAN MELT IT. AS FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER AND STEP FATHER, YOU DO IT OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF YOUR HEARTS, THE MORE YOU GIVE TO THOSE TYPE OF PEOPLE THE MORE THEY ARE GOING TO SUCK YOU DRY. GIVE IT UP BABYDOLL YOU'VE DONE ALL YOU CAN I CAN TELL HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AND IF YOU LET THIS GO ON AS IS SHE WILL OUTLIVE YOU BELEIVE ME. TAKE CARE OF YOU LET YOUR BROTHER DO SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE AND I WOULD BE ADAMANT ABOUT THAT SINCE HE HAS ALREADY CHOSEN HIS PATH. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU YOU REALLY ARE A GOOD PERSON DON'T LET ANYONE PULL YOU DOWN. GOD LOVES YOU

Dear Tranquility, my heart and prayers go out to/for you. To give so much of yourself, then get dirt in return is wicked, and to be treated so by family is especially painful. What amazes me is that the people who treat others like this, apparently feel no shame for their deeds.

Actions speak louder than words, and you have proven yourself to be a caring, compassionate individual who gave sacrificially. The people who matter see and applaud you. Those who cannot comprehend are blind. I encourage you to surround yourself with supportive and loving friends. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother... Proberbs 18:24

Turn to the one who truly understands. I am leaning on the verse: When my father and mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Psalm 27:10

I understand your weariness and fatigue. I understand your pain, and will be praying for you, sweetheart. I am proud of you for doing all you've done in spite of a horrible situation. Time to care for your husband and yourself, without guilt or shame. Realize, to those who see this for what it is, you are a hero!

Get rid of the POA and drive her to your brother's doorstep!!! My brother backs off because he knows that he will get ww111 if he interferes!!

SECRET SISTER, THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST. NO, I REALLY DO NOT A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE. MY HUSBAND HAS ALWAYS DONE SO MUCH FOR MY PARENTS, FOR ME TO TAKE SOME OF THE STRESS OFF, AND ALSO HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT THEM OR HE WOULD HAVE NEVER AGREED TO THEIR LIVING SO CLOSE TO ME. HE KNEW, MY 3 SIBLINGS WOULD DO NOTHING, SO HE KNEW HE WOULD BE MY ONE AND ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM. I DO GO TO A DEMENTIA SUPPORT GROUP RUN BY THE SENIOR CENTER, AND HAVE A COUSIN WHO KNOWS MY FAMILY FOREVER, AND IS VERY SUPPORTIVE, BUT SHE TOO IS NOT WELL, HAS HER OWN LIFE, SO HOW MUCH CAN YOU BURDEN SOMEONE WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. WE DID NOT KNOW THAT THEY HAD DEMENTIA WHEN WE AGREED THAT THEY WOULD MOVE CLOSER TO ME,BUT I COULD SEE THEY WERE PHYSICALLY GOING DOWN HILL, AND NO ONE WAS IN N.Y. WHERE THEY LIVED TO OVER SEE THEM. AS MUCH AS I NOTICED CHANGES IN MY MOTHERS PERSONALITY I JUST DIDN'T THINK THAT HER COGNITIVE ABILITY SO BAD, AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY I WITNESSED THE AGITATION. CLENCHING FISTS, BANGING WALLS, FRUSTRATION, SCREAMING AT ME, ALL SORTS OF ACCUSATIONS THAT ARE SO UNTRUE. I TRIED TO TELL MY SIBLINGS, BUT NOT NO RESPONSE, SO I JUST THOUGHT, IF I EVER WANT TO HEAR FROM THEM, I BETTER JUST BACK OFF, AND NOT SAY ANYTHING. MY HUSBAND IS ALSO NOT A WELL MAN. HAS 2 HIP REPLACEMENTS, DEGENERATIVE DISC DISEASE, SPINAL STENOSIS, AND SLOLIOSIS, AND MANY MORE HEALTH PROBLEMS. MY FAMILY KNOWS THAT, BUT THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE, OR EVEN ASK. I, NOR MY HUSBAND HAVE EVER HAD A FALLING OUT WITH MY FAMILY UNTIL NOW. YES, THERE IS MONEY THERE, WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT UNTIL I HAD TO MOVE THEIR ACCOUNTS TO N.C. MY STEPFATHER IS 97, MACULAR DEGENERATION, AND MY MOTHER 87YRS OLD, HATE TO SAY, REALLY IS NOT WORLDLY AT ALL, AND WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND DID IT ALL WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE TO MAKE THEIR MOVE FROM N.Y. TO N.C/ MY SIBLINGS WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR CARE, AND I WAS TOLD, THIS IS MY BABY. MY OLDEST BROTHER SAID, HE IS NOT OUT FOR A CRUSADE, AND WON'T GIVE ONE MINUTE OF HIS LIFE UP. HE SURE IS OUT FOR A CRUSADE NOW. NOT THAT I GOT ANY HELP FROM MY SIBLINGS FROM THE BEGINNING, AND KNEW HOW THEY FELT, SO I COULD NOT EVEN VENT OR TELL THEM ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR, AS WELL AS HIS. I FOUND, BECAUSE I TRIED, THAT I DIDN'T GET ANY PHONE CALLS FROM THEM, NOT THAT I DID ANYWAY, SO I STOPPED CALLING TO TELL THEM ABOUT WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING WITH MOM. I HAVE NOT SEEN AN ATTORNEY, AS IF, MY SAVIOR BROTHER WANTS TO BELIEVE ALL THE UNTRUE THINGS MY MOTHER AND STEP FATHER SAY ABOUT ME, THEN I SHOULD NOT BE THE CAREGIVER. AS I WROTE HIM AN E-MAIL, AFTER A HEATED PHONE CONVERSATION, WHICH CAME FROM HIM, NOT ME, I WROTE AND SAID, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I AM GETTING VERBALLY ABUSED BY MOM AND STEP FATHER, AND NOW I AM GETTING THE SAME VERBAL ABUSE FROM MY SIBLINGS, THEN TAKE OVER, I WILL RELINQUISH POA TO WHOMEVER, DO WHAT YOU WANT, BUT MY HUSBANDS HEALTH, AND MINE IS GETTING VERY BAD, AND THAT IS NOW PRIORITY NUMBER 1. WE WERE TWO FOOLS WHO REALLY CARED, AND APPARENTLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE GETTING OURSELVES IN TO. I WANT NOTHING. I AM NOT A MONEY PERSON. MONEY DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. I WAS SO HURT, WHEN MY BROTHER, WHO NEVER COMES TO SEE MY MOTHER, CAME TO N.C., FROM GA. AFTER A PHONE CALL MY MOTHER MADE TO HIM, AND TOLD HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT, AS HE WAS NOT FORTHCOMING. I LIVE 2 MINUTES FROM MY MOTHER. BEINGS I AM THE PRIMARY, OR SHOULD I SAY ONLY CAREGIVER IN MY FAMILY, THAT WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME AND ASK "WHATS GOING ON". HE TOOK A 5 HOUR DRIVER FROM GA. I ALSO HAVE POA, AND YES I WONDER IF HE EVEN HAD THE LEGAL RIGHT TO TAKE THEM TO A LAWYER AND NEVER DISCUSSED IT WITH ME. I AM AT THE POINT WHERE I DON'T CARE. YOU NOW ARE READY FOR A CRUSADE, WELL YOU HAVE NO FIGHT FROM ME, BUT IF YOU TAKE THIS ON, YOU TAKE THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX, JUST AS I DID. STARLIGHT. IT IS ALMOST FUNNY THAT YOU TALKED ABOUT HOW MY MOTHER MAY FEEL ABOUT ME, SINCE I AM A REMINDER OF HOW SHE USED TO BE, AND I AM THE ONLY SIBLING IN N.C. TO DIRECT HER ANGER AT. YES, ANGER IS DEPRESSION, AND I TALKED TO HER DOCTOR, AND TRIED TO GET HER ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT, BUT SHE SAID SHE WON'T TAKE IT, AS SHE DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY IT MAKES HER FEEL. SHE DOES TAKE NAMENDA, WHICH SHE FOUGHT ME ABOUT TAKING, UNTIL MY SISTER HAPPEN TO BE TALKING TO HER ON THE PHONE, AND SHE TOLD MY MOTHER, SHE IS NOT A DOCTOR, AND IF THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE SHOULD TAKE IT, THEN TAKE IT. WELL, SHE ASKED ME TO ORDER IT FROM THE PHARMACY. I SAID THE SAME THING, AND IT DID NOTHING.GETTING BACK TO WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT MY BEING A REMINDER OF WHAT SHE ONCE WAS ABLE TO DO. I USED TO SAY TO MY HUSBAND, I ALMOST FEEL LIKE SHE IS JEALOUS OF ME. ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW YOUNG I AM. I AM 62, NOT YOUNG; SHE WOULD ALWAYS NOTICE WHAT I WAS WEARING,AND DIDN'T COMPLIMENT ME, BUT GO ON AND ON ABOUT THAT SHE CANNOT WEAR THE THINGS I WEAR. SHE HAS A PROBLEM WALKING. HER BALANCE AND GAIT DOES NOT ALLOW HER TO WALK RIGHT. SHE REALLY SHOULD BE USING HER WALKER, THAT I BOUGHT FOR HER, BUT MY STEP FATHER KEEPS TELLING HER THAT SHE WILL BECOME DEPENDENT ON IT. I HAVE TAKEN HER TO PHYSICAL THERAPY NUMEROUS TIMES, AND ALWAYS COMPLAINED ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING OR NOT DOING FOR HER. I THEN TOOK HER TO ANOTHER P/T PLACE, AND SHE DID'T LIKE THAT EITHER. SHE IS OBCESSSED WITH THE WAY SHE WALKS. SHE HAS FALLEN NUMEROUS TIMES. I HAVE TAKEN HER TO NEUROLGISTS, BUT NOTHING CAME OF IT EXCEPT THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE PARKINSONS DISEASE, WHICH ONE P/T AND ORTHOPEDIC THOUGHT SHE MIGHT HAVE AS SHE HAS THE PARKINSON SHUFFLE WHEN SHE WALKS. SHE DID NOT WANT TO GO ANY FURTHER. SHE REMINDS ME CONSTANTLY THAT SHE USE TO WALK THE WAY I DO. THIS PROBLEM WITH WALKING HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS, AND GETTING WORSE. SHE BELIEVES THAT SHE WAS FINE IN N.Y., AND THIS STARTED DOWN HERE. IF I DISAGREE WITH HER, SHE WILL GET ALL AGITATED, AND START YELLING AT ME, SO I STAY AWAY FROM THE SUBJECT IF SHE BRINGS IT UP. ALL THEY BOTH TALK ABOUT IS THE PAST, WHICH IS FINE, BUT THEY THINK OF THE PAST BEFORE THEY CAME DOWN TO N.C., AND ALL THE THINGS THEY DID. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN DOING THESE THINGS FOR YEARS. THEY ARE LIVING IN N.C. A LITTLE OVER TWO YEARS. WHEN I WAS TALKING TO MY SISTER, AND I SAID TO HER WHY DID JOE, MY BROTHER FEEL HE HAD TO KEEP EVERYTHING A BIG SECRET FROM ME. SHE SAID, MOM DID NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW ANYTHING. SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU. WHEN I ASKED WHY, WHAT DID I DO, SHE GOT NASTY, AND THEN SAID, I AM THE ONE WHO HAS DEMENTIA, AND HUNG UP ON ME. MY MOTHER DOES NOT CALL ME ANYMORE, AND I AM NOT CALLING HER. I FEEL AS GUILTY AS H---, BUT EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT IS THE DEMENTIA THAT IS CAUSING HER TO TREAT ME THIS WAY, IT JUST HURTS TOO MUCH TO BE SCREAMED AND YELLED AT, AND TOLD TO DROP DEAD AND DIE. MY COUSIN, WHO I TOLD YOU ABOUT SAID, DON'T ASK THEM FOR THANKSGIVING, AND LET HER THINK A LITTLE, AND MY HUSBAND AGREED, BUT I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. I COULD NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE, SO I ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO GO TO MY NEIGHBORS HOUSE, WHO INVITED US FOR THANKSGIVING, AND BOTH OF THEM WERE INVITED TOO. NOW ANOTHER THING, I COULD SWARE SHE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY ME, AND IS VERY MANIPULATIVE. IF HER COGNITIVE ABILITY IS SO BAD, AND IT IS, HOW COULD SHE RATIONALIZE ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO MANIPULATE. SHE DOES LISTEN TO EVERYTHING MY STEP FATHER SAYS, AND HE DOES INCITE HER. WHEN I ASKED ABOUT THANKSGIVING SHE DID SAY YES, AND THEN WENT ON TO SAY, " WELL, HOW WILL WE GET TO YOUR HOUSE?" MY STEPFATHER DOES NOT DRIVE ANYMORE, AND SHE NEVER DID. I SAID,"MOM RAY (MY HUSBAND) ALWAYS PICK YOU UP AND BRING YOU HERE, WHY WOULD IT BE ANY DIFFERENT?" NO ANSWER. SHE ALSO SAID, I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU AND RAY WOULD GO OUT TO DINNER. JUST SAYING THOSE TWO THINGS, MAKE ME THINK, SHE KNOWS DARN WELL, WHAT SHE HAS CAUSED, AND ALTHOUGH I CAN'T PROVE IT, I THINK SHE IS BEING COACHED. WE NEVER, EVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS. HAS SHE FORGOTTEN HOW ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HER OUR ENTIRE MARRIED LIVES, AND THE OTHER THREE COULDN'T CARE LESS. HOW CAN SHE BE SO CRUEL AND MEAN. SHE WAS NEVER THAT KIND OF PERSON. I AM AT A POINT WHERE I AM BURNED OUT, AND ALL I WANT IS SOME PEACE, AND TRANQUILITY IN MY LIFE. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH STRESS AND HURT MY ENTIRE LIFE BY OTHER PEOPLE WHO I LOVED, AND WAS SELFLESS WHEN IT CAME TO THEM, AND IN THE END, BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND WERE TREATED LIKE S---. BOTH MY HUSBAND AND I ARE VERY CARING PEOPLE, AND FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US, BUT IF I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS, THEN GO YOUR OWN SEPARATE WAY, AND YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND I WILL LIVE MY LIFE. NOT TO HAVE A PITY PARTY, BUT WHEN THIS FIRST CAME TO A HEAD, I WAS LITERALLY SICK. I AM NOW ON TWO ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, AND MY LIFE IS MISERABLE. I JUST WANT MY THREE SIBLINGS TO DO WHAT THEY WANT, AND I WANT NOTHING, BUT GET GOING. WE STILL ARE PAYING THEIR BILLS, TAKING THEM TO THE DOCTORS, MAKING SURE THEY HAVE THEIR MEDICATION AND MUCH MORE. GUESS, WE ARE TRUSTWORTHY ENOUGH TO DO ALL THE BULL WORK, BUT NOT FOR ANYTHING ELSE. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. THERE IS NO TALKING TO MY SIBLINGS, AND I WILL NOT BE HUNG UP ON AGAIN. I AM JUST SICK OVER ALL OF THIS, AND DON'T KNOW WHAT WE DID WRONG, EXCEPT BEING TWO FOOLS WHO WANTED TO BE THERE FOR MY MOTHER AND STEPFATHER.
TRANQUILITY

Take pictures ,get a lawyer, Make a video!! CYA

Dear Tranquility,
I have walked in your shoes. Funny thing about family, they only fight over mom and dad if there is money.Two things that you should be aware of. All all of the dementia's frontal lobe is the worst. They can become highly aggressive, delusional,inappropriate and confrontational. Learning more about it will help you emotionally not to take the accusations personally. Next, at this stage of the game I don't think that the will can be changed nor should you be so quick to give up. Your siblings are not going to change their minds about you no matter who is caring for them. They probably believe mom that you are stealing from her and nothing you do or say is going to convince them otherwise.

Anger is often a symptom of depression in the elderly. It is not you or anything you did that prompted this unless it is the fact that you represent what they can no longer be or do. The fact that you are there physically and they have no one else to direct their anger towards maybe another reason. It is hard not to take it personally especially when people have a history fo having a difficult relationship. Discuss the behavior with their physician. There are medications that can help even though sometimes there has to be a trial and error period until the right one is found and the right dosage determined. Since I do not believe in a magic pill there maybe other things that can be done, like presenting choices and options so they can choose and thus have some control(loss of control may contribute to depression), reminiscing about better days and their accomplishments so they feel they have had some value(point out fro them what their value has been),and focusing on what they still can do for themselves or to help (even if it is a samll thing).It takes a special person to be a patient and kind caregiver but this may require that you arrange for respite taking time for yourself weekly. Check with your area aging services to see if there are respite programs for caregivers.

Dear Tranquility, my heart goes out to you and your situation. Deception is difficult to deal with. The father of lies seeks to steal, kill and destroy by turning family members against one another. Praying for a miracle, for you and your family, and for you and your husband's health and peace. Keep us posted.

I PRETTY MUCH READ ALL THE POSTS, AND FOUND THEM TO BE EDUCATING, ANSWERED A LOT OF QUESTIONS, JUST FROM HEARING YOUR STORIES, I AM NOT ALONE, AND SORRY TO SAY, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I AM GOING THROUGH THIS. AS I HAVE SAID IN OTHER POSTS, I HAVE AN 89 YR OLD MOTHER, AND 97 YR OLD STEP FATHER OF 21YRS. HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY FAMILY LEFT, EXCEPT A FEW GREAT NIECES AND NEPHEWS THAT HE NEVER HEARS FROM, DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES. I HAVE 3 OTHER SIBLINGS THAT DO NOTHING, AND DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING. THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, AND SO THEY SAY, THEY DON'T BELIEVE THAT EITHER ONE OF THEM HAVE DEMENTIA. THEY WERE NEVER INVOLVED OR CONCERNED ABOUT THEM, AND IF I DIDN'T MAKE THE TRIP FOR THE HOLIDAYS, THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN ALONE. I JUST COULDN'T BARE THAT. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THEY REALLY DIDN'T CARE, BUT I DID. MY ISBLINGS DIDN'T ALWAYS, UNTIL MOST RECENTLY, BUT THEY WOULD SEND A CARD, FLOWERS, CANDY OR COOKIES FOR A HOLIDAY ETC., BUT THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF IT. TWO OF THE SIBLINGS LIVE IN VA., AND ONE IN GEORGIA. THREE YEARS AGO, BOTH MY PARENTS ASKED TO LIVE CLOSER TO ME. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE DOING THE DOING, AND I WAS VERY CLOSE TO MY MOTHER. AFTER PUTTING THEIR HOUSE UP FOR SALE, AND DOING ALL THE THINGS THAT COME WITH A MOVE FROM ONE STATE TO ANOTHER, MY PARENTS MOVED TO N.C. WHERE I LIVE, IN A BEAUTIFUL CONDO, WITH STORES WITHIN STEPS OF THEIR UNIT. PRIOR TO THEIR MOVE, I SPOKE TO MY OLDEST BROTHER,WHO LIVES IN GA., WHAT THEY WANTED, AND ABOUT THIS CONDO. AT THAT TIME, I WAS UNAWARE THAT THEY HAD DEMENTIA, EXCEPT THAT MY MOTHER'S WALKING WAS GETTING WORSE. I WAS TOLD BY MY BROTHER WHO LIVES IN GA., WHEN I TOLD HIM THIS IS WHAT THEY WANTED, AND THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT IN N.Y. TO OVERSEE THEM, THAT HE DID NOT WANT TO GIVE UP ONE AY OF HIS LIFE, AND THAT I SHOULD DO WHAT I WANTED, AND THIS WAS MY BABY. HE ALSO SAID HE IS NOT OUT FOR A CRUSADE. I WAS SHOCKED, BUT HE DID TELL ME WHERE HE STOOD, SO IF I WAS GOING TO HELP THEM IT WAS GOING TO BE JUST ME. THE OTHER TWO SIBLINGS BASICALLY FELT THE SAME. SO, IN ORDER TO DO ALL THAT WAS NECESSARY TO SELL THEIR HOUSE FOR THEM, AND BUY THIS CONDO, I HAD TO HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY. SO SORRY NOW THAT I GOT SO INVOLVED, AND ESPECIALLY HAVE POA. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE, BUT WITH THE HELP OF MY HUSBAND, WE DID IT ALONE, NOT EVEN A PHONE CALL FROM ANY OF THEM. WHEN THEY MOVED TO N.C. AND STAYED WITH ME UNTIL THE CONDO WAS TOTALLY FURNISHED AND READY, WAS WHEN I SAW THAT MY MOTHER'S BEHAVIOR, AGITATION, SCREAMING, ACCUSATIONS ETC. IT WAS THEN THAT I FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAD FRONTAL LOBE DEMENTIA. I TRIED TO TELL MY SIBLINGS ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR, BUT THEY FELT I WAS JUST COMPLAINING, AND DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT, SO I STOPPED LOOKING FOR SUPPORT FROM THEM. THEY NEVER CALLED ME TO SEE HOW THINGS WERE GOING, AND I STOPPED CALLING THEM. THIS WAS NOW BECOMING A NIGHTMARE, AND THE STRESS WAS KILLING BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND. I AM NOW ON TWO ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. STARTED GOING TO DEMENTIA SUPPORT GROUPS, READING EVERYTHING I COULD GET MY HANDS ON ABOUT DEMENTIA. WENT TO THEIR PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR FOR A CONSULT, AND HE CONFIRMED THAT THEY BOTH HAVE DEMENTIA. HE SCORED WORSE THAN MY MOTHER, BUT MY MOTHER ACTS OUT MORE THAN HIM. I KNOW THAT HE INCITES HER, AND THEN SHE IS OFF ON A TANGENT. I LITERALLY WAS JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR THEM AS WELL AS MY HUSBAND. I ALWAYS FELT THE SAME WAY AS THE POST THAT SISTER WROTE, AND EMPATHIZE AND UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING SISTER SAID IN HER POST. MY MOTHER CALLED ME ONE NIGHT, OUT OF THE BLUE, AND SCREAMING, I DREW UP HER WILL, AND SHE DIDN'T GO TO THE LAWYER. IT WAS ALL SO UNTRUE AND INSANE WHAT SHE WAS SAYING. I CALMLY SAID TO HER, MOM, FINE, IF YOU WANT TO GO TO A LAWYER AND CHANGE YOUR WILLS, FINE, JUST TELL ME WHERE AND WHEN. SHE SAID, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT. I THEN SAID TO HER, OK, YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND LET ME KNOW. THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER, AND SHE NEVER SAID ANOTHER WORD. I SAW A BIG CHANGE IN HER RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. EVEN THOUGH I WAS STILL EXPERIENCING THE AGITATION, SCREAMING, BEING ACCUSATORY, DEMANDING AND MUCH MORE. SHE WAS JUST DIFFERENT, VERY DISTANT. I CALLED THE AGENCY THAT I HIRED A CAREGIVE TWICE A WEEK FOR 3 HOURS EACH DAY TO COME IN AND DO FOOD SHOPPING, LIGHT CLEANING, AND SHE TAKES THEM TO THE SENIOR CENTER ON A THURSDAY. THIS WAS NOT EASY FOR THEM TO ACCEPT, BUT WITH THE HELP OF THE OWNER, THEY FINALLY ACCEPTED IT. I KNOW THEY WERE NOT HAPPY THAT I WAS NOT DOING THESE THINGS, BUT I WAS EXHAUSTED, NEEDED SOME HELP, AND MY HUSBAND IS NOT A WELL MAN. ANYWAY, I ASKED HER IF THE CAREGIVER THAT COMES IN NOTICED OR SAID ANYTHING THAT MIGHT SHED SOME LIGHT ON YET MORE CHANGES ABOUT THE TWO OF THEM. SHE SAID, THE CAREGIVER MENTIONED THAT YOUR MOTHER SAID, HER SON CAME UP FROM GA., FOR A DAY. I SAID, NO, HE WOULD HAVE CALLED ME OR STOPPED BY. I LIVE 2 MINUTES FROM MY MOTHER AND STEP FATHER. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AWHILE, AND THEN I CALLED HIM, WHICH I NEVER DO, TO TELL HIM THAT I HAD MOM TO THE EYE DOCTOR, AND SHE HAS TO HAVE SURGERY ON THE CATARACTS ON BOTH EYES. I THEN SAID, WERE YOU UP A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WHICH WOULD BRING US TO THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER, WHEN I NOTICED YET ANOTHER CHANGE IN BOTH OF THEM. FINALLY, HE SAID YES I WAS. MOM CALLED ME, AND ASKED FOR MY HELP WITH THE WILLS, AND I KNOW SHE WAS ACCUSING ME OF ALL SORTS OF THINGS. I HAVE NEVER HAD A FALLING OUT WITH ANY OF MY SIBLINGS, BUT I COULD HEAR IN HIS VOICE, THAT THIS WAS NOT THE PERSON I WAS USE TO TALKING TO. I TOLD HIM, HOW HURT I WAS THAT HE WOULD MAKE THAT TRIP AND NEVER CALL OR STOP BY AND TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW SHE FELT ABOUT ME. AFTER HE CAME UP IN THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER, AND I NOTICED CHANGES, HER BEHAVIOR WAS WORSE THEN EVER. MORE ACCUSATIONS, MEAN AND CRUEL. WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE ME AND MY HUSBAND SHOULD DIE AND GO TO HELL. I TOLD MY BROTHER ABOUT THESE THINGS, BUT REALLY SAID NOTHING, AND SAID HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS UP BECAUSE MY MOTHER TOLD HIM NOT TO TELL ME, AND HE DOES NOT LIE. I SAID JOE, THIS IS NOT LYING, THIS IS GETTING TOGETHER AND TALKING. I AM HERE 24/7, AND NO ONE KNOWS THEM THE WAY ME AND MY HUSBAND DOES. HE WAS NOT FORTHCOMING IN THE CONVERSATION, AND IT WAS GETTING A LITTLE HEATED. FOR SOMEONE, WHO TOLD ME HE WAS NOT OUT FOR A CRUSADE, AND AND WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, IT SURE SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE OUT FOR A CRUSADE NOW. WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE TOLD HIM, AND WHAT HE SAID TO HER, BUT AFTER THAT THINGS WERE REALLY DIFFERENT. NEXT THING I KNOW, HE CALLED AND SAID, HE WAS TAKING MOM AND STEP FATHER TO AN ELDER LAW ATTORNEY, WHICH FRANKLY, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT. IF SHE MISTRUSTS ME SO MUCH AND FEELS HE WAY SHE DOES ABOUT ME, THEN SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD STEP IN. AGAIN, NOT THE PERSON I KNOW. HE MET WITH MY 2 OTHER SIBLINGS ON A SUNDAY, AND ON A MONDAY, NOV.8TH TOOK THEM TO THIS LAWYER. HE REALLY HAD NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT WHAT TOOK PLACE, EXCEPT THAT THE LAWYER, WILL BE IN TOUCH WITH ME, AS HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME. TO CUT TO THE CHASE, BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND WENT TO THE LAWYER AND MET WITH HIM. AGAIN, NOT A LOT PROGRESSED, BUT NOW I WAS REALLY GETTING ILL, PARANOID AS TO WHY EVERYTHING WAS SUCH A SECRET THAT HAD TO BE KEPT FROM ME. I DID TELL THE LAWYER, DEMENTIA OR NOT, SHE AND MY STEPFATHER DO NOT TRUST ME, WHY I CON'T KNOW,BUT IF THEY FEEL THIS WAY, I SHOULD NOT HAVE POA, AND WHOMEVER WANTS IT TAKES THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX, JUST AS I DID. DOCTORS APPTS. TAKING CARE OF MEDS, PAYING THEIR BILLS, AND A HOST OF OTHER THINGS. I WAS LOOKING TO DO A GOOD THING FOR ALL THE REASONS THAT SISTER WROTE IN HER POST, BUT I AM GETTING ILL, SO MAYBE IT IS TIME FOR ONE OF THEM TO TAKE OVER. IN ANOTHER PHONE CALL, MY BROTHER THREATENED BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND, AND TOLD US TO GET OUT S--- TOGETHER, AND THEN HUNG ON ME. I CALLED MY SISTER, WHO I WAS ALWAYS FAIRLY CLOSE WITH, AND SHE TOO HAD AN ATTITUDE, AND I WAS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND, WHY EVERYTHING WAS SUCH A BIG SECRET. THE PHONE CALL ENDED UP WITH HER SAYING TO ME. "DO YOU KNOW WHO HAD DEMENTIA, YOU!!!!!! AND SHE TOO HUNG UP ON ME. WE ARE NOW NOT SPEAKING. MY MOTHER HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE CAUSED, AND THE RELATIONSHIP I THOUGHT WE HAD ALL THESE YEARS WAS A FANTASY IN MY MIND. THINK I ALWAYS FELT SORRY FOR HER, AND ALWAYS WAS THERE FOR HER. RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY DIFFERNCE IS THAT MY BROTHER E-MAILED ME AND ASKED ME TO GIVE MY MOTHER A $500.00 CHECK TO RETAIN THIS LAWYER, WHICH I DID. MY MOTHER DOES NOT CALL ME, AND I HAVE PULLED BACK ALSO. I KNOW SHE IS SAFE. SHE HAS LIFE LINE, AND THE CAREGIVER, AND IF SHE REALLY NEEDS ME, SHE DOES KNOW HOW TO DIAL MY PHONE NUMBER. I HAVEN'T A CLUE HOW WE GOT TO HERE AND WHY, BUT IT REACHES A POINT, WHEN YOU ARE GETTING ILL, AND YOUR LIFE IS A LIVING HELL THAT IT IS TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE. I ONLY WISH MY SIBLINGS WERE NOT AS INTERESTED IN THIS WILL, AND START TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AS FAR AS BEING A TRUE "CAREGIVER". I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AT THIS POINT, BUT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. CAN ANYONE GIVE ME ANY ADVICE. NATURALLY THERE IS SO MUCH MORE, BUT CAN'T WRITE EVERY DETAIL.
TRANQUILITY

Dear Tranquility, my heart goes out to you. Subversive tactics are really unnerving. We are dealing with similiar circumstances, but have now taken a legal twist, with court involvement. Strange and hurtful when families act like this, but not uncommon. As POA, do you need to be seeing an attorney yourself? Something doesn't sound right there. I'd seek legal advice, and perhaps send a letter to your siblings telling them you are doing so, but get the advice, first. I call it "Jello World," because it's like trying to nail jello to a tree. Best wishes to you.

CONTINUED FROM TRANQUILITY.
I REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER WILL, SHE CAN LEAVE WHATEVER HE WANT TO WHOMEVER SHE WANTS, BUT NOW I AM BEING MADE OUT TO BE THE "BAD ONE". MY SISTER TOLD ME THAT, MY MOTHER DOESN'T TRUST ME, AND SO ON. I TOLD HER THE STORY AS I WROTE, AND SHE WAS COLD, AND VERY SHORT. KEPT SAYING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN HER MIND, BUT THAT IS THE WAY SHE FEELS. SHE TOLD ME I HAD DEMENTIA, AND HUNG UP ON ME. NOW, I LET ALL MY SIBLINGS THAT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH VERBAL ABUSE FROM MY MOTHER AND HAROLD, AND I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY ABUSED BY THEM TOO. TODAY THEY ARE GOING TO THE LAWYERS. I ALSO HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY. DON'T KNOW IF HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO DO THIS WITHOUT SPEAKING TO ME. REALLY DON'T CARE, BUT ALL SO SNEAKY AND BEHIND MY BACK. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. TRANQUILITY

THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING TO MY POST. MY MOTHER IS BECOMING MORE AND MORE PARANOID, THEIR SHORT TERM MEMORY IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE, AND EVEN THEIR LONG TERM MEMORY IS SO DISTORTED FROM WHAT REALLY TOOK PLACE OR SAID. THEY DON'T REMEMBER VERY MUCH WITH WITH VERY LITTLE ACCURACY.
I TRY TO REMIND THEM OF WHAT OUR CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT OR WHAT REALLY TOOK PLACE, TO TRY TO JUMP START THEIR MEMORY. I HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW I APPROACH THE SITUATION IN REFERENCE TO THEIR LACK OF MEMORY. ( I DON'T SAY THAT TO THEM) THEY HAVE THEIR MINDS SET ON WHAT THEY BELIEVE, AND THATS THAT. AS I SAID, I TRY TO GO OVER WHAT WAS SAID OR DONE, AND MY MOTHER IN PARTICULAR, WILL THEN GET VERY AGITATED, START SCREAMING AND YELLING, AND SHE WILL CLENCH HER FISTS, OR BANG THEM ON THE WALL OR TABLE. WHEN I SEE THIS BEHAVIOR IS HEADING THAT WAY, I JUST END THE CONVERSATION. AS FAR AS THE WILLS, IT IS NOW AN OBSESSION OF HERS AND MY STEP FATHER. SHE IS NOW ACCUSING ME OF WRITING UP HER WILL, AND SHE NEVER SAW THE LAWYER, AND IT JUST GOES ON. AGAIN, TRIED TO JUMP START THEIR MEMORY, AND SAID, MOM, YOU, HAROLD ( MY STEP-FATHER OF 21 YRS) ME AND RAY (MY HUSBAND) WERE SITTING AROUND HER TABLE, AND I TOOK THE WILL THAT WAS DRAWN UP IN NEW YORK, WHICH I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT. I WAS TOLD THAT IF YOU MOVE OUT OF STATE, YOU HAVE 90 DAYS TO HAVE A NEW WILL DRAWN UP. I REALLY HATED GETTING IN TO THIS WITH THEM, BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE. ANYWAY, I TOOK THE WILL FROM N.Y. AND SAID, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGES YOU WANT TO MAKE, ADDITIONS ETC. MY MOTHER SAID SHE DID NOT WANT THE GRANDCHILDREN IN THE WILL, THAT WHATEVER IS LEFT TO HER CHILDREN, THEY CAN CAN GIVE THEIR CHILDREN WHAT THEY WANT. I ALSO ASKED MY STEP-FATHER THE SAME QUESTION, AND HE SAID, HE WANTED ONE OF HIS GREAT NEICES REMOVED. HAROLD IS THE LAST OF HIS FAMILY, AND HAS A ONE NEPHEW, WHO IS ALMOST 80 YRS OLD, AND A FEW GREAT NEICES AND GREAT NEPHEWS, OF WHICH HE NEVEER SEES OR TALKS TO. HE HAS MACULAR DEGENERATION AND REALLY CANNOT WRITE OR READ. EVEN WHEN HE SIGNS HIS SIGNATURE, YOU HAVE TO POINT YOUR FINGER TO THE SPOT, AND THEN HIS SIGNATURE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. HE DOES NOT DRIVE ANYMORE, AND MY MOTHER NEVER DID DRIVE. ANYWAY, I SAID, OK IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, WE CAN BRING THE CHANGES OVER TO THE LAWYERS OFFICE. I SAID, MORE THAN LIKELY THE LAWYERS PARA LEGAL WILL TAKE THE INFORMATION, AND THEN WHEN WILL IT IS DONE, WE WILL BE CALLED, AND AT THAT TIME THE LAWYER WILL GO OVER THE WILL WITH YOU, BOTH YOU AND HAROLD HAVE TO SIGN YOUR WILLS, AND IT HAS TO BE WITNESSED. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT ALL WENT, AND THEY DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT. SO IN HER MIND AND IN HIS, I WROTE THESE WILLS UP MYSELF. AGAIN, I TRIED TO JOG HER MEMORY, AND SAID, MOM, DON'T YOU REMEMBER, HOW ME,RAY, YOU AND HAROLD SAT AROUND YOUR TABLE, AND I ASKED YOU DID YOU WANT THE WILL TO STAY THE WAY IT IS, OR DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGES, AND SHE SAID TO ME, SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT, AND SHE NEVER SAW THE LAWYER. IT IS FUTILE. ONE NIGHT, OUT OF THE BLUE, SHE CALLED ME SCREAMING THAT SHE WANTS HER WILLS CHANGED AND SO DOES HAROLD. I SAID, CALMLY, FINE MOM, JUST TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE, AND YOU CAN SPEAK TO THE LAWYER, AND HAVE THE WILLS CHANGED. SHE SAID, WELL I THINK I WANT TO GO ALONE, AND I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT MORE. I SAID FINE, YOU LET ME KNOW. THIS WAS ABOUT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER WHEN THIS TOOK PLACE. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME AGAIN, BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT SHE CALLED MY BROTHER, WHO TOLD ME RIGHT FROM THE START, THAT THIS IS MY BABY, AND HE WILL NOT GIVE UP ONE DAY OF HIS LIFE DOING WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO. HE SAID, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU FEEL IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN REFERENCE TO THEM, AND BASICALLY, HE WOULD STAY OUT OF IT. HE IS NOT OUT FOR A CRUSADE. WHEN SHE CALLED MY BROTHER, SHE APPARENTLY WAS SAYING ALL SORTS OF THINGS ABOUT ME AND RAY. WHICH I MIGHT ADD, WE HAVE BEEN JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR THEM, AS I WAS ALSO TOLD BY THEM, THAT THEY ARE SORRY THEY MOVED. AS YOU SAID, ALZCAREGIVER, MY BROTHER CAME RIDING UP FROM GA., ON HIS WHITE CHARGER, MY MOTHER TOLD HIM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO ME, AND WEEKS WENT BY WHEN I FINALLY FOUND OUT BY ACCIDENT THAT HE WAS UP TO "SAVE THE DAY". I NOTICED AROUND THAT TIME A BIG DIFFERENCE IN MY MOTHER'S ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME, AND JUST KNEW SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. WELL, WHEN I FOUND OUT FROM THE WOMAN WHO COMES IN TWICE A WEEK THAT MY MOTHER TOLD HER THAT MY BROTHER WAS UP ABOUT 2 1/2 WEEKS AGO. I REALLY COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD COME UP, AND NOT CALL ME. I LIVE 2 MINUTES FROM WHERE MY MOTHER LIVES, AND ASKED IF HE WAS UP, AND WHY DIDN'T HE CALL AND SPEAK TO ME. HE SAID, I PROMISED "MY MOTHER" THAT I WOULD NOT TELL YOU, AND I WON'T LIE TO HER. THE CONVERSTION WENT ON, AND I COULD SEE THAT HE WAS NOT GOING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING, AND HE ALSO SAID, HE MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN ELDER CARE ATTORNEY, MADE AN APPOINTMENT, WHICH HE DID ON A DAY THAT MY MOTHER HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE OPHTHALMOLIST AS SHE HAS TO HAVE CATARACT SURGERY. WELL THAT MEANT NOTHING. HE JUST WANTED TO GO THINGS MOVING WITH THE LAWYER.