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Thanks I needed to hear that! I just now read this after making a posting of that very thing.. I do love him - that is why I am caring for him.. As for mean siblings, won't go there... They can be so clueless! Okay, so I went there! LOL!
Thanks, Austin! Again, I will repeat myself... WE are only responsible for OUR actions and reactions! It is hard when we are hurting or being hurt by the ones we care for... we hurt anyways b/c we do love the ones we care for and they are lashing out at us!
I never could understand why my husband was so mean to me when he depended on me soley for everything but it is common for a dependent person to treat the one they depend on badly- I just had to overlook how he acted but it took a long time to do that and to realize he was wrong and not me.
My Mom did the same thing about being rude, demanding, wanting to spend money,etc. Just like you said about your Mom. It ended up that my Mom had a "chemical imbalance", the doctors decided to put her on Zyprexa and Zoloft. She is a different person now...I have my Mom back...sweet, stilla little whacky but much easier to deal with and her mind is much better.
YOU KNOW I KNOW THATS HARDER WHEN THE LOVEONES WAS NOT THAT NICE OR ALL IN THEIR PASSING DAYS CAUSE MY FRIENDS FATHER AS MEAN AS WELL AND THATS TOO BAD CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW HOW UR GONNA TURN UP WHEN THE PEOPLE YOU WERE MEAN TO ENDS UP TAKING CARE OF YOU...I HAVE NEVER EXPECIENCE THAT MY PARENTS WERE DECIPLINE BUT NEVER MEAN TO US (CAN'T SAY THAT FOR THE REST OF MY SIBLINGS) BUT.......MY FRIEND FATHER?,I CAN RECALL HIM BEING MEAN AT TIMES WHEN I WAS AT HER HOUSE WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP.SO IM SORRY THAT THIS IS GOING ON STILL IN UR LIFE AND MUCH ADDED HE SICK AS WELL AND PROBABLY EVEN WROST NOW THAN BEFORE..BUTJUST REMEMBER GIGGLEBOX ,YOU LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES YOU
msdiva, I am just learning about dementia more and more... it is so easily misunderstood sometimes for meanness... and I am still trying to figure it out b/c my dad has always been mean.. and there may be some ill feelings as well.. but to be told that you are lying hurts! But it is a disease, like you said.. and a terrifying one. To have physical health and to lose your mind... is sad!
u must inderstand someithing there mind is not the same it like a light inside them thats tell them to say things regardles of who they say it to my friends father has said very harsh thing to her and she didn't undertstand why, i explain to her they do not know what they are doing or saying u must not take it personally i know its hard i take care of a cleint now and she is a dememtia person and she says awful thing to me, her sister the people around her and she doesn't realize what she says..then later i remind her what she says and she doeen't remember,she'll stand up there and tell me i was lying. and its so sad it really is the disease is about one of the most terrifying one there is other than cancer (but thats my opinon) we all have dementia its forgetting but it can be more devasting in the elderly world..
Check out the signs of dementia. The inappropriate acting-out symptoms may be related to that. My Mom has strongly disliked my own daughter since she was a pre-schooler! She holds it against my daughter because she claims that my child once told her she was ugly! Mom never told me, so I was never able to address it! My daugher probably heard someone tell a child that their behavior was "ugly" and so she repeated it. But Mom has held on to the resentment for 20-plus years! When my daughter and son-in-law told her they are expecting a child, she said that she is "against it" and that she is "tired of people having kids they can't take care of." My daughter and son-in-law now can't stand Mom.
You DID NOT hurt my feelings in no way... you just really got me thinking and the shoe on my feet, so to speak.. don't be so hard on yourself, Sister... Read your wall yet? You just said some things that needed to be said and that I needed to hear... and sometimes the truth hurts...yes, but it is the truth and it was said in love...you have reminded me to be a little gentler and a little kinder and to try to understand a little better. That's not always easy for me, that's all. SO THANKS I NEEDED THAT!
Secret Sister, you have further added to my guilt... I am kidding!No seriously.. you have made me think things a little differently today... but I get mad at my dad b/c I know he could do better - he was once so social and critical and there is some bitterness on my part, yes... and some sympathy for him after reading that post of yours... You have opened my eyes and made me and the entire Sandwich Generation see things differently... May God bless you in what you just shared... it is hard to put yourself in those shoes! He was waited on hand and foot all of his life and he still is! There goes the bitterness again.. sorry! Pray for me.. I am trying to understand and be better as I re-read your post, Sister! It's easier to GRRR, however... ha!
Sister, Wow!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you are amazing. I cherish your posts and know that you are a truly compassionate woman who feels for those who may have even been the cause of your pain. You are so right. How does my mom feel? Do I listen to her fears enough? How will we feel? Will we get good care?? What does the future hold for us? All I know is that I am taking steps to insure my daughter's happiness and my comfort and financial stability. Thank you for always being here for me and the others who come here for solace and great comfort. You indeed are a true treasure. Linda
YES I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WAS SAYING I READ THE PAIN OF OTHERS I WAS COMMENTING ON IT LIKE I SAID NOE OF US KNOW HOW WERE GONNA TURN OUT I JUST HOPE I LIVE THAT LONG TO EXPERIENCE IT BUT HOPEFULLY NOT AS BAD
Secretsister, you are an incredibly compassionate and understanding lady. How well you say what we all have running through our heads. And scarily, that is the fate that awaits some of us out here....
I didn't mean to turn your thoughts to me, because most of my posts have been about my complaints about those who I am supposedly "caring for," and their complaints about me. I was trying to see life from their perspective, at least for a moment, but then it turned back to me.
I want to hold that view in mind, when dealing with their complaints and accusations against me. I want to remember that they are complaining for a reason, and sometimes that reason is me. Are my loved ones complaints justified? Have I done anything to help or ease their cares? That is the question, and it's not about me.
WELL YES IT BUT THATS SOMETHING SOME OF US WILL HALF TO FACE. MY CHILDREN PROMISE ME THEY WOULDN'T DO THIS TO ME BECAUSE THEY SEEN HOW THEIR GR FATHER WAS BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE THEY GOT FIRST HAND OF WHAT ALZ IS MY FATHER WAS A PATIENT ALZ PERSON FROM THE BEGINNING TIL I MOVE OUT NOW I KNOW HE TURNED ON MY SISTER WHEN I MOVE OUT AND SHE MOVED IN HE GOT MORE AGGITATED AND REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING THATS WHY HE DIED CAUSE THEY TOOK FROM HIM WE GET TREATED AUFUL FROM OUR PARENTS SOMETIMES I KNOW IT WAS CERTAIN TIMES WITH MY MOM AND SHE WASN'T EVEN THAT SICK SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING BUT DAD NEVER DID HE TREATED ME NO WRONG OR WASN'T MEAN TO ME ...YES ITS SCARY TO THINK HOW WE ALL OUR GONNA TURN OUT HOPING OUR CHILDREN DON'T PUT US IN A NURSING HOME BUT YOU DNT KNOW HOW WE WILL TURN OUT...NONE OF US DO
Yes, "stealing assests, and taking everything away," and charged with worse... However much we try to "help," makes us more the enemy as we capture the spoils and liquidate their assets "for their care," which we've imposed. It seems their perspective is so much different than our own. They lash out, as all they have ever known or worked for is divided, and given to another. Their health and all their worldly wealth and possessions slide off into the abyss. We hold the keys, their livelihood, and their possessions in our hands, trying to convince them that we are there to help. Oh, how terrifying it must seem to our vulnerable elders! To lose control of everything, and watch helplessly from the sidelines, as the ones whom they once cared for, and now plundering through pockets, drawers, closets, cupboards, garages and attics, and dividing up the goods. As everything is stripped away, we marvel at their angst and bitter complaints. How could they be so ungrateful for all we're trying to do to help them? Who will ease their mind and comfort them in their grief, as we drive away their vehicles and sell their home? Who will cry with them, and hold their hand, as friends and loved ones die or stay away? Who can understand what life is like in a tiny room shared by strangers, who've also lost their moorings and their all? And who will be their advocate, when they are forced to eat unfamiliar food, swallow medications doled out at scheduled times by harried nurses? Who will understand that they tire of Bingo and special activities, forced therapies and endless evaluations? Who will visit when they're lonely, and comfort them when afraid? How can we understand their embarrassment and their shame, as they are forced to undress and shower with the assistance of some "hired" Caregiver, or worse their own babies they helped to raise?
We "guiltily" take time out of our oh-so-busy schedules to bring cards, flowers, and balloons, or play idle games; then leave when we tire of their company. Where do they get to go when they tire of their surroundings, or the same ole TV shows? We assuage our consciouses by saying they have poor attitudes for no reason, and that we aren't to blame. How can they be so ungrateful? They're forced to dine with strangers, who may not enjoy them either, but share a common plight. Yes, it might pay to remember that this was not their choice. They didn't ask for failing health, or necessarily for our assistance, and sometimes cannot see the need. I wonder what it's like to have friends and family come, bringing photographs and memorabelia that remind them of all they've lost? Oh, I shuddder to think what that must feel like, and at the thought of my own hardness or insensitivity in unknowingly adding to my once-capable loved one's demise and distress.
Please forgive me, as I didn't come here to criticize anyone other than myself, and share what God has laid upon my sometimes cold and unfeeling heart. I justify my own behavior, and say it's for their good. How can it be good for those we say we love? What does it feel like to be at the complete mercy of others; slaves to health and mental conditions over which they have absolutely no control? What would it feel like to be stuck in a nasty hospital bed, in a tiny room, watching the world go by staring as they pass, and passing judgment should one happen to complain? Oh how humiliating it must be, and how heartless we can become. Better to cry and weep for those we love, than say we do, and just ignore the cry of their heart at the injustices they must face. Do we love our elders? How do we count the ways???
I stand accused, condemned, and without defense at times. And who am I to complain? For someday, I may be that lonely, helpless soul, just crying out for mercy and for grace. I may be the one scorned, despised, rejected or forgotten, and left alone to die. Who will take the time to understand? Who will lend a helping hand? Who will soothe my fears and dry my eyes, and hold me when I die?
Off for the hills, indeed... or PROMISED LAND as I have heard it called by my brother... Dede, I am so praying for you and praying that all went well yday -at least you take her out - I don't dare do that. He sits in his room all day - even to eat... and when I go visit him I catch him in the tv room with other people??? Guilt trip, yes... again, I am learning to let it roll! I do not take my husband or kids nor do I make them tolerate him... he's to the point of not asking anymore whether it is dementia or uncaring, who knows... but he snaps at me five times as much with company around so I just said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and quit trying... I have stole his wallet, sold his house, and have all his money... according to him... really, I am trying to save his assets, in more ways than one. I am just grateful that he does like it where he is, despite his complaining! Just the way he is!
They turn on you because they don't know any better. We all think we'll do better, but the truth is, when you have dementia, you don't KNOW it. Don't let it get to you and, as Jesus prayed from the cross, "forgive them, for they know not what they do." THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S EASY, though, so, if you find you can't deal with it anymore, then you should try to make changes that are best for them. Your parent won't ever "give you permission" to place them somewhere they don't want to be. But, they don't turn on you on purpose. Good luck. I know what you're going through.
Gigglebox.. I understand completely. I also do not get to share precious times anymore. I get yelled at, told that I am mean, told that she should be my top priority (I have two children and a husband), berated cuz my kids and husband don't want to be around hr anymore.. she cries hysteriacally almost daily. No matter what I do, it is not enough, she doesn't like where she lives, but when I offer to find her a new place, she doesn't want to go. We have moved across country twice on her demands.. but she always likes the last place better and can't figure out why we moved... I gets worse daily. I am an only child and feel like I must continue with what I'm doing, but it is definitely ruining my life with my husband and children. Everyday I feel like I have tomake a choice over who I am going to be with. Today, we are all going out to eat together. I am scared todeath. She will cry in restaurant or make me and family feel like sh* cuz she feels like sh**. I think constantly about how long this is going to continue, but am unable to just drop her...
You just made my day, Sister! My mom was known to have a "sweet spirit" and to have inherited that means the world to me! You have a good attitude as well - we all know what is important - what matters, what counts, and what gets us through! Doesn't always make it easier, but we have that faith to get through the "wrinkles" in the road. I am documenting everything in case I am questioned down the road - b/c I have been warned by a friend who never thought her bro would ? her power of attorney decisions! I haven't heeded all of her advice, but I have been warned and it scares me!
Thanks, Gigglebox. Love that "lotta help from God" part! Beyond that, one day at a time. And I know what you mean about "nothing preparing us for the road ahead." Avoid the legal system at all costs I was told, but saw no other way. Now I'm wishing I had heeded that advice. But we accomplished some great things along the way. Perhaps this is just a wrinkle in the road, and God will make a way for something greater. One never knows what a day may bring forth. Keep your sweet spirit no matter what comes your way.
Thank you Sister... I read your post after my posting... I cannot imagine what you are going through... my dad fell went to hospital and then to nursing home for rehab... he liked it so well that he stayed there... medically, nothing really wrong... just aging and some dementia showing up now... basically lazy.. and my brother is clueless about it all.. yes, it hurts and we have to gentle with ourself. We are only responsible for our actions n reactions, I say... I am trying to let things roll off my back, but after a while you get tired... You get by with a little help from your friends and a lotta help from God!
I was looking into assisted living, medical bracelets, etc.. when I found my dad in the floor.. NOTHING prepares you for the road ahead... to have the legal system involved is unreal... I cannot imagine!
Sorry Gigglebox. I have a loved one who does that. I know how much it hurts, no matter how we try to rationalize or understand it. But there are those who care, and that helps us through the valleys. I will guess he's just blind to who you are and what you try to do. I will guess you're probably doing much more right than wrong. Please take care of you, and be gentle with yourself.
imw124, Let her go to the assisted living and then let her reap the repercussions from her own decision. Then it won't be your fault , only hers. She will get care there and when they feel she has gone past what they can provide, they will tell her she has to go to the nursing home again. Any way that you look at it, it is a win win situation.
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I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Thanks I needed to hear that! I just now read this after making a posting of that very thing.. I do love him - that is why I am caring for him.. As for mean siblings, won't go there... They can be so clueless! Okay, so I went there! LOL!
Wow!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you are amazing. I cherish your posts and know that you are a truly compassionate woman who feels for those who may have even been the cause of your pain. You are so right. How does my mom feel? Do I listen to her fears enough? How will we feel? Will we get good care?? What does the future hold for us? All I know is that I am taking steps to insure my daughter's happiness and my comfort and financial stability. Thank you for always being here for me and the others who come here for solace and great comfort. You indeed are a true treasure.
Linda
I want to hold that view in mind, when dealing with their complaints and accusations against me. I want to remember that they are complaining for a reason, and sometimes that reason is me. Are my loved ones complaints justified? Have I done anything to help or ease their cares? That is the question, and it's not about me.
We "guiltily" take time out of our oh-so-busy schedules to bring cards, flowers, and balloons, or play idle games; then leave when we tire of their company. Where do they get to go when they tire of their surroundings, or the same ole TV shows? We assuage our consciouses by saying they have poor attitudes for no reason, and that we aren't to blame. How can they be so ungrateful? They're forced to dine with strangers, who may not enjoy them either, but share a common plight. Yes, it might pay to remember that this was not their choice. They didn't ask for failing health, or necessarily for our assistance, and sometimes cannot see the need. I wonder what it's like to have friends and family come, bringing photographs and memorabelia that remind them of all they've lost? Oh, I shuddder to think what that must feel like, and at the thought of my own hardness or insensitivity in unknowingly adding to my once-capable loved one's demise and distress.
Please forgive me, as I didn't come here to criticize anyone other than myself, and share what God has laid upon my sometimes cold and unfeeling heart. I justify my own behavior, and say it's for their good. How can it be good for those we say we love? What does it feel like to be at the complete mercy of others; slaves to health and mental conditions over which they have absolutely no control? What would it feel like to be stuck in a nasty hospital bed, in a tiny room, watching the world go by staring as they pass, and passing judgment should one happen to complain? Oh how humiliating it must be, and how heartless we can become. Better to cry and weep for those we love, than say we do, and just ignore the cry of their heart at the injustices they must face. Do we love our elders? How do we count the ways???
I stand accused, condemned, and without defense at times. And who am I to complain? For someday, I may be that lonely, helpless soul, just crying out for mercy and for grace. I may be the one scorned, despised, rejected or forgotten, and left alone to die. Who will take the time to understand? Who will lend a helping hand? Who will soothe my fears and dry my eyes, and hold me when I die?
Yucky, isn't it?
I gets worse daily. I am an only child and feel like I must continue with what I'm doing, but it is definitely ruining my life with my husband and children.
Everyday I feel like I have tomake a choice over who I am going to be with.
Today, we are all going out to eat together. I am scared todeath. She will cry in restaurant or make me and family feel like sh* cuz she feels like sh**.
I think constantly about how long this is going to continue, but am unable to just drop her...
I was looking into assisted living, medical bracelets, etc.. when I found my dad in the floor.. NOTHING prepares you for the road ahead... to have the legal system involved is unreal... I cannot imagine!
Let her go to the assisted living and then let her reap the repercussions from her own decision. Then it won't be your fault , only hers. She will get care there and when they feel she has gone past what they can provide, they will tell her she has to go to the nursing home again. Any way that you look at it, it is a win win situation.