I'd like to ask you all a question - when our elderly parents can't care for themselves, should they be forced to move into an aged care center, or should their adult children be forced to give up their jobs to care for them?
on one side, our parents were allowed to have their lives. We need to be allowed to have our lives. And its been medically proven - the stress of caring shaves decades off our lives.
on the flip side, our parents were always there for us and made sacrifices.
I personally think that elderly people who can't manage alone should move into care and allow our generation to have our lives just like our parents were allowed to have their lives.
what do you all think
However, our parents, back when they were younger, opted to start a family. They got married and had kids because that's what you do. They were handled a tiny little bundle of joy wrapped in a blanket and this little bundle had no formed personality, no life experiences, and this little bundle was not out of its mind from dementia. The little bundle didn't have leg ulcers from diabetes and when we changed this little bundle's diapers we could roll it over lickety split in order to change the diaper. Until it was time to potty-train. Our elders can't be potty-trained.
Caring for our parents because they cared for us is not an even, accurate comparison in my opinion. If our little bundles got sick we took them to the Dr. If our elderly parent gets sick they refuse to see a Dr. and we worry and fret over what to do. Our little bundles grow like weeds and we take extreme pleasure in seeing them reach important milestones such as the first time they roll over, their first step, their first Christmas. They continue to grow and develop and we take such pride in watching them evolve into an actual person. But with our elderly parents the process is reversed. We see them lose parts of themselves day by day as they decline. It breaks our hearts.
Our parents didn't take care of us out of obligation. They wanted us. They wanted to raise children. They got a lot of joy out of seeing us grow and learn. Caring for elderly parents is the exact opposite of this. More often than not they become a demented husk of a human being who is unable to feed themselves, toilet themselves and maybe verbalize what they need or want. They don't become like babies because babies are beautiful and joyful and positive. Our elderly parents are anything but.
I don't begrudge anyone who wants to care for their elderly parent because that parent raised them. More power to that person. But I've cared for a baby and I've cared for my parents and I'll take caring for a baby over caring for an elderly parent any day.
This needs to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. One size does not fit all.
In my view, adult children must continue to be responsible for their own support, now and for their own old age. They must continue to meet their family and social and work obligations. To the extent that they can do that and also participate in their parents' care, they should do so. This assumes a reasonably good relationship has existed -- I don't think that the same applies to dysfunctional, abusive families.
"Participate in their parents' care" can range from seeing to it that paid help is arranged, or a suitable care center is found, all the way to living with the parent and providing hands-on care. This is where the solution has to be customized. In my view, it should not include surrendering jobs or endangering the physical or mental health of the adult child.
But. There's a but. Your mother was selfish to insist that you care for her, and to refuse help from anyone else. I agree. But how, how, did she force you?
I'm not taking issue with your own particular situation, because you were there and I wasn't and I've no business to comment. I'm thinking about other people reading who feel under the same pressure as you but perhaps haven't yet committed themselves to being full-time caregivers. And the the point I'm making is that there are two sides to this coin. On the one side there's a selfish, manipulative, exploitative person making demands. But on the other there has to be somebody saying "yes" for it to happen.
You can say no. It's not easy, but it can be done. We have to make our own choices, not just comply with someone else's.
It is terrible to think that lots of children who are caring for their parents end up dying before their parents. THat is terrible
I'm glad that your mother is in a nursing home and I hope you will take care of you which it sounds like you would benefit from talking with a therapist.
No, under no circumstances would you have to look after your mother, Your health - mental and physical des not allow for that. You have to look after yourself.
I don't know that you can ever put that kind of abuse completely behind you, though I wish you could. What you can do is get therapy to help you make good choices from now on and help you deal with the memories of the past. I would tell your specialist and any other medical person who treats you about the abuse. I am sure it had affected your health in more ways than one.
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