Elders who distort reality, for lack of a better way to describe it. Is there a helpful approach to get around some of this?

As long as you and your siblings maintain his "charade of independence" he has no reason to change and, after 5 years, it's high time you and your siblings tell him that you're no longer enabling that charade. You can't really "get around" it. Time for straight talk.

His needs are only going to increase. He needs to pay for in-home services like housekeeping, grocery shopping/meal prep, and lawn care.

There's also probably a touch of dementia in the works.

Oy vey! Men!

My dad had the same perception as yours.

I would just hire help, get a housekeeper, he pays his fair share, hire a personal chef to do prepared meals, he pays his fair share, hire a lawn service, again he pays his share. Be decidedly immobile with your resolve that you need this help, period end of discussion,. Ya know dad, not everything is about you!

My dad was less rebellious when he believed that I was the one that couldn't cope. I learned that he was going to believe whatever about his own abilities, so I quit bringing that subject up.

Maybe have a date night that you both dress up for once a week. Showers, shiny shoes (rubber soles) shave, the whole shebang.

My dad always said it was his 1st fall, every single time. I learned to keep sharp objects out of his way and how to determine if he was hurt or just shook up. Saved many ER visits.

Learning to pick our battles is a challenge and letting go even a bigger challenge but, it saved my sanity.

The only way to introduce him to reality is to step back and/or call in APS to determine if he is competent to care for himself.

His lack of reality testing does not obligate you to kill yourself keeping up his charade of independence.

It sounds as if your dad is in an unsafe situation and the only reason he is still living where he is, is because the family provides the support he needs. If the family steps back and leaves dad to his own devices the truth of the situation will be uncovered. If the family decides to step back call APS (adult protective services) to check on him.

You can also leave dad where he is, continue to prop him up but the next time he falls take him to the hospital and let the Drs. know his true situation.

Does anyone have DPOA over dad. If so, that person can hire and pay from dad's money for lawn care and in-home care taking over several of the duties dad needs.

Dad can refuse to move to an appropriate facility unless he is deemed to be living in unsafe conditions - why calling APS or delivering him to ER after an accident/fall that leaves him injured.

Know that dad won't thank any of you for doing this, but what should be in the families' mind is dad's safety. Your family should meet and make plans on what is next. Look into facilities that best meet his needs and pare down the list to a couple and keep them in your back pocket when the time comes to move him.

Wish you and your entire family the best.

When my ALZ father kept insisting he could keep up 3 acres of land, and I kept finding the new tractor dead in the lawn.. ( and he kept calling the dealer when it was actually out of gas_) I just hired a lawn service. Mom and I told him was "free" and he went for it! Mom just gave me the money and I paid them, and they were warned in advance to play along. Would your siblings go along with this? Sounds like they might as they are killing themselves also? Meals on wheels is sort of free.. would he go along if he was told it was a free service? As to the no bathing and falling,,, I have nothing

Sandy, you were perfectly clear. None of the replies assume that Dad is ‘acting helpless’, in other words faking. The household needs the help, and it doesn’t really matter if it’s Dad who can’t do stuff, or you, or his other kids. Please read the replies again. Realise that no-one is criticising you or Dad, and the ‘charade of independence’ is a very common issue and not a game. It just happens when the problems get masked by other people killing themselves to cover them up.

Geriatric psychologist will document his delusions about how he’s actually doing.
My diagnosed narcissist mother, on oxygen in a wheelchair, told everyone she gardens, and a bunch of other malarkey. She’s never had a garden in her entire existence.
Once she needed (2) aides and her long term care wouldn’t pay for (2), she unwillingly went into a very nice assisted living.
She hated my guts but her attorney and the probate judge, sided with me on the decision.
Her lawyer made her sign a letter saying she would stop fighting it.
Call SS and ask for a welfare check, since your circumstances are different.
You aren’t alone with this madness.
Save yourself at this point.

My daughter just came right out and said to me. "Mom, you are in denial. You walk too slow". So, I have a wheelchair when we fly. Hard on the ego but she is right. We just went through SEATAC last week, ten years ago, I walked the length of the airport with luggage with no problem. Last week, I couldn't have done it with out sitting down. It made me sad.

Admitting to needing help probably seems like admitting a whole lot of other things, especially the tough ones. Same issue with mother. I just hired people to show up and do the things that needed to be done. Didn't do a lot of explaining or trying to make her see the value or admit she needed the help. Just did it. Seems to be working so far. You need to get people who have some experience doing elder care. It's an art! Best of luck.

Think about it - he doesn't need outdoor help....it magically gets done by others and looks nice! It bothers you that he doesn't bathe - not bothering him. He hasn't fixed meals in 2 years, but he hasn't died from not eating. Again, the food shows up.

Who is doing all the work for him for his daily needs: food, probably house cleaning (if he isn't bathing or cooking, he isn't cleaning either), laundry? Does he call when he falls or do you just see bruises. Or is he calling a neighbor. If calling others, you can tell him that the children are going to get in trouble for leaving dad in an unsafe situation, alone.

Get a large calendar and mark down every fall. Ask him when was the last time he fixed his own meal - what was it? Someone is probably doing laundry, so ask him why there are no towels to wash if he bathes every other day. Mark known baths on the calendar. Start small - we can get you a bath chair so you don't slip down. We can get a lady to come in and pick up/do laundry twice a week - you might even tell him she is a friend of yours who is looking for work.

If you are too available, he's never going to see a need for help because he already has all the help he needs.