Everything my mother does is getting under my skin and I'm having a lot of trouble maintaining my sanity. She turned 91 yesterday. She had a pacemaker put in about a month ago, but she is still in atrial fibrillation so is on a lot of BP meds. She fights about many things, the whole giving up of independence issue. I try to ignore a lot, and I do try and lift her spirits, but when she refuses to take her pills and then something bad happens, then I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces, so I told her that if she was going to continue to stay in our house, she had to take her pills. She has a tissue fetish and everywhere in the house are bits and pieces of used tissue, she stuffs it up her sleeves, in her underwear, in her purse, in her pockets, in her bed, on the floor, it's everywhere; it gives me the creeps. I have politely asked her to try and empty her pockets and sleeves and underwear before I do her wash so I don't have to encounter it.
I realize that this sounds petty, it's just the build up of things, her attitude which is often demanding, she has trouble ever saying please, she just barks out orders. She is very vain about her appearance and even though she can hardly stand she will spend two hours on her face routine before she goes to bed. Which I'm sure is why she still looks so good at 91.
I love her but I am losing patience and tolerance. My husband says I just need to detach. Each day I get up, I ask God for more strength, love and tolerance, and humility. I am blessed with a good home; and when I think about Haiti and what is going on there, I get disgusted with myself.
You also need to get breaks. The tissue thing could be OCD, so maybe her doctor can help with that, or at least help you understand that this could be one thing she can't help.
Good luck. You sound like a wonderful person. You do need a breather. And have your husband cloned!
I'm glad for this site :~)
Keep coming back and yes, do get breaks.
I find her more playing games for attention which I never thought in million years she would do. When I left the house panic attack. which will make bp go up. The otherday she said my husbands alarm clock went off for 2 hours. I unpluged it. She said the music was so loud. I told her we would take it up with her doc. at her next visit. Well that stopped that.
I say "yes!" to taking breaks and taking good care of yourself. As Leeza Gibbons says in her book: "Take your oxygen first." Hang in there!
Maintaining sanity wow that's the $64,000.00 question. Take yourself a break, take short breaks, go outside breath in the fresh air. It helped me to go outside and work in my moms garden too.
I'm praying for you.
Glad to know there is someone else out there who experiences the "tissue issue"! Yes, I do have rubber gloves for that as well. I do go out for breaks, walk the dog, and thankfully our weather here in the NW has been milder than normal, even sunny today, and that always lifts the spirits.
Blessings to you!
I was told that it is hoarding behavior and my mom had huge hoarding behavior with all the useless stuff she packratted over the years. Nightmare. Still cleaning it out.
Mom goes through a lot of tissue because she's a drooler. You have to be careful when you're doing up her shirt because she can nail you. Can make you urpy before the second cup of coffee.
Mom holds the tissue/paper towel/tp in her hand and when the drool runs down her chin, wipes it off with her hand/back of her hand/heel of her hand and if that it not gross enough, she never fails to look at it and it is clear that she is amazed that she drools. Sometimes she wants to show you. The kicker is that instead of wiping her hands on the tissue, she will wipe her hands on her pants/shirt/chair/tablecloth.
She does this every 5 minutes. Seriously.
We use pretty sheets on her big, comfortable chair so we deal with it and keep it all clean, but omg.
I used to pop up and try to get her to wipe her face but my back hurts. If you hand her a tissue while she's doing the drool thing she blows her nose.
The TP thing here is important because of the germs. It takes a lof of attention because mom hides TP used for the bathroom. omg2
What gets under our skins here is being grossed out all the time.
We love mom and take good care of her and I know she really doesn't want to be 'out of control', but you guys are right, it doesn't matter, it just makes you nuts.
I was thinking about using a fishing pole with a sponge attached to it so I could dab her chin but not get up.
She has clothes in her closet that are on hangers that she's never even worn. She has shoes and purses that match that she's never even worn or carried. I've never thought of her as a hoarder but I suppose that's what she is. And you cannot throw out an elder person's anything, they don't want you to do that they want to keep everything, everything under the sun.
It's so funny because she is always having someone look in her closet for something that isn't there. All that is there she always wants what's not in there and she swears that it's there.
What is it why do they buy things that they don't need. I guess it's just because they can.
Your heart is in the right place, you're doing the best you can for your entire family, and sometimes you just need to smile and walk away.....your mom will probably not remember any confrontations, anyway!
My daughter calls her grandmother Ms. Daisy (as in Driving Ms. Daisy, the movie) and believe me, my Mom is so much like the movie actress in that movie! She has even accused people of steeling from her and we end up finding, whatever she said was stolen, later on but she will never admit it and never say she's sorry.. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, good health and a daughter who loves me to death. I'm so lucky and I will try and start laughing at my Mother again, rather than holding a grudge. I still need time away from her right now and am taking it. I'm sure she's stewing about it right now!
And she is in skilled nursing - its close by and I can see her daily or at least a few times a week - she would order me around full time and not be able to stop if she was at home with me, but is not so bad with paid staff (I think its because they can set reasonable, practical limits without feeling intense guilt.) As it is when I go in, she yells at me to do things faster and its hard just to refill her candy bowl without a fuss being made and she has to know what everything is and often asks me to get rid of something I can't even see....I guess I knew it was not just orneriness when she started tossing trash on the floor, she would never have done that before; i had bought her a taller trash can but she did not like how it looks in the small room. It's hard, but they basically can't help it...
Vanity! How can you be so vain at 87? I ask her this, her answer she is not used to living like this her hair is not fixed 1x/wk. I opted to get her a cute haircut that is easy keeping, she wants a coiffure with tons of aeresol spray!
She can be so sweet when other people are over and after they leave be a very demanding, person. I have told my mom can you ask instead of demanding. She rolls her eyes and then comes up with excuses why she acts that way and it's usually my fault. LOL I used to get really pissed off and take it personal now I just laugh and go over and look her straight in the face and kiss her. She has to laugh - ya know it's tough - I would have never thought how hard this would be. I do know this that God gives us what we can handle and will fill our needs. Keep your chin up and just smile at her and call her the "Queen". Best of Luck
Laurie in Virgina