How can I control my sanity when everything my elderly mother does is getting under my skin?

What you are going through and Haiti are not even comparable.This is by far the hardest life to live ie: that of a caregiver of a parent with dementia. I have/had never planned for this.Wasn't expecting this.Was thrown into this unwillingly and supposedly temporarily for a month that has turned into a year and will now be until death,Sometimes it's hard to even be thankful for a glass of water when you're in the midst of a battle.Although you sound as though you are religious and pray for the strength to see the entire situation through to the end as I'm sure you will I am CONVINCED there is NO amount of prayer time that will make it easier or better for us to get through this!! I am truly sorry. I also love all of you from the bottom of my heart for I know what we are all going through.I respect you honor you and wish there were magic answers for every situation on these forums however the magic is in our predecessors.They are the answers to our prayers and God has given them to us OUR MAGIC BULLETS.Some of their answer work for me some don't but they will work for someone else that is is great need. The last thing you need to do is give up on yourself.SHE WILL KNOW,SHE WILL FEEL IT

Oh boy, I can relate to this one...altho' my Mom's "tissue issue" is a bit different, she does do the up-the-sleeve thing...we try to explain that hoarding tissues can be a sure-fire way of spreading germs...my Dad used to keep a handkerchief in his pocket & reuse it over & over again 'til days' end...he ended up contracting MERSA & it took antibiotics to get rid of it. Not only does my Mom do the up-the-sleeve thing, she has developed this strange habit of twisting her tissue when she's finished with it...at nite I have to go around collecting all these corkscrew-looking tissues filled with God knows how many germs!

Taking breaks is understandable and often best for both of you. Every night and weekends is a lot of your life. Try going to every other night and maybe Saturday or Sunday or make weekend days shorter. The stress of trying to keep this up isn't good for either of you.

Take care of yourself! This is vital.
Please update us. We do understand what you are going through.
Carol

Something that I have trouble dealing with is my mother saying, "I just don't feel good today," and looking like death is waiting at the door for her. It has been like this for six years. Mostly I think it is remorse about the past, distaste for the present, and dread of the future. I know people on the group know what I mean when I say such misery is hard to live with. (And yes, we've tried all kinds of things to make it better. I have resigned myself to staying happy despite her mood.)

1amCristina, to preserve your sanity, I wonder if you couldn't cut back some. Do you work? If you are spending every evening and weekend with Mom, when do you have time for yourself?

If she lived with you, I'd be advising you to arrange some respite and get some time for yourself. You have built-in respite! Try cutting back to 3 nights a week and one afternoon per weekend. See if that improves your perspective.

Every night and weekends

1amCristina, your profile says that your mother is in assisted living. Is that accurate? How much time are you spending with her per week?

I try to cry but no tear comes out. I am tired of all the bundled up toilet papers and tissues, all the the accusations that I took all her money, the crazy comments on kids fashion, the screaming, my sisters and family that just message me to be strong. I would never ask my daughter to take care of me when I am old and go through what I am going through. Everyday I ask God "is praying all these would just end soon.. evil?" Will I go to hell? This is already Hell.. everyday ... the screaming, the toilet papers, tissues, accusations of all lost things taken by me, the food I cook to be unsatisfactory, the endless remorse of why she is not able to do things she was able to do, her endless asking of "why she had a stoke"?

I try to remind myself of the good times.. but each day the bad days keep outweighing the good....

So ...yeah.. I just draw faces and color the cardboard centers of the toilet papers and call them "friends".. LOL... One day life will get better, I just hope my sanity will still be here..

It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with the tissue fetish. I put on gloves and pull tissues out of ever conceivable spot you can stuff them prior to washing her clothes and I *always* find I missed a few. Chewed up and scattered all over the clothing. And buying boxes and boxes of tissues. OMG. Plus, she swears she only uses a 'couple' disposable underwear ("diapers") per day but she goes through a Costco sized box a week. Glad you all are here!

Both of my parents moved in last year mom 81 and dad 82 I now realize that it wasn't so much that they were in such bad health as it was my father had a heart attack and could no longer work and lost that income so they were not able to pay rent and utilities before they moved in my small 2 bd 2 bath condo my father kept hinting prior that he wanted to move in with me I kept telling him I didn't mind but my place is too small anyway, now that they are with me I feel misled my father's losing his mind onset of dementia and has done several things like misplacing his car and calling the police when it was parked down the street and couldn't figure out how those thieves were able to break into the car with the club on the steering wheel and my mom is disabled and is afraid to walk in fear of falling but I feel pressure because I have stairs and it's really taking a toll on my father because my mother relies on him constantly running up and down the stairs he admits to me he's tired and frail and wants a break from my mother but he feels guilty and says " it would be cruel to put your mother in a home" then I say if she goes to a home you're going to" then I laugh. When I'm home from work I take her food upstairs and try to give him a break my next move will be to put a microwave and small fridge upstairs but the space situation is driving me nuts because I also have my daughter and my 7 year old grandson Calgon take me away....... I do get away when there is no where else to go sometimes I feel like getting an apartment; but I won't. I just tell myself one day they are not going to be here.

My Mom is 73 years old. She has dementia I moved her into my condo with me three years ago to keep her safe. Thank goodness for the adult day care facility I have available which watches her during the day as I work out of my home. The tissue/paper towel thing is like money for my mother. Not so much the used tissue but wads of brand new tissue is all over my condo in her shoes, stuffed between pages of magazines and books, her pockets its everywhere. I am constantly checking and removing paper tissue/towels all over the condo. I seriously have purchased so much tissue/paper towels since her arrival. The swearing and angry outburst have increased as of late. Or Mom will just start crying for no reason. I thank God for the ability to break away sometime as this disease is complicated and very frustrating for the primary card provider with the strange things that have occurred. I agree I have probably given her three more years of life, while compromising my own life years. You are doing your best hang on in there.

What is it with the tissue hoarding? Seems to be a common thread, but at least my 90 year old mom doesn't tear it up. Right now she's in the living room talking to herself for hours, and always a horrible story: murder & mayhem. She's planning her escape over & over. I have extra locks on the doors, and doesn't remember that I can hear every word on the baby monitor. She doesn't want to sit with me in the family room, rather look out the window...which is okay, except for the conversation. :-/ Thought we were doing the best thing by keeping her in her own home after my dad passed over a year ago, but she's so lonesome.

I'll certainly be glad for her app't on the 16th with the gerontologist/specialist; as her current meds aren't getting it. She's either all keyed up like this or so sedated she will hardly eat, drink or stay awake. She was up last night until 3:30 talking, anxious & fearful. It's getting increasingly difficult and I do have several helpers. Aaa-uu-u-ugh! Thanks for listening. :-/

Hi, everyone. I am new here and having a really hard day. It is making me feel better just reading the things you write. I live with and care for my 85 yo mother and 90 yo father. My father has Asperger's and my mother seems to be going deep into dementia lately. Dad is no problem. He's in his own little world, though what goes on around him stresses him a lot. Mom is angry and confused all the time, and angry because she is confused. I am starting to feel like a verbal punching bag. They live as hermits, so I am the only vent for her anger. What is even harder are the belittling remarks she makes. It is like she is trying to make me feel as lowly and small as possible. I try to detach, but she says things that hit to the core of me, making me feel I am always having to defend myself. I am now at the point of asking do I stay, or do I need to get out. Mom has always been nutty and abusive, so I knew what I was getting into. I just didn't know it was going to be this bad.

I talked to her about visiting the doctor to see if he might be able to do something to help with her memory loss. She flew into a rage. I stayed calm and told her I thought she needed to go. She got even angrier and ordered me to my room. So I just told her that she needed to go. I haven't mentioned dementia to her because I don't want to frighten her. Her memory is kaput, though, and her emotions are in turmoil. She is diabetic and has high blood sugar, so dementia has to be worked through.

I wanted to take control of her medications a few months ago. Her answer was that she would break any pill machine I brought in. She took all her medications to her room and hid them. She doesn't take them in front of me now, and I know she is often not truthful about how much she takes when it comes to her pain medicine and Ativan. Most of the time I feel like I've been saddled with a lot of responsibility, but without any power to do anything.

I could write many books, but they would all sound like crazy rambling. Each day I just hope that the next will be better. I get out a lot, but maybe I need to get out for longer. They won't let anyone else in the house, though. They live as hermits by choice, so there is just me. It is wearing me out.

Hi, everyone. I am new here and having a really hard day. It is making me feel better just reading the things you write. I live with and care for my 85 yo mother and 90 yo father. My father has Asperger's and my mother seems to be going deep into dementia lately. Dad is no problem. He's in his own little world, though what goes on around him stresses him a lot. Mom is angry and confused all the time, and angry because she is confused. I am starting to feel like a verbal punching bag. They live as hermits, so I am the only vent for her anger. What is even harder are the belittling remarks she makes. It is like she is trying to make me feel as lowly and small as possible. I try to detach, but she says things that hit to the core of me, making me feel I am always having to defend myself. I am now at the point of asking do I stay, or do I need to get out. Mom has always been nutty and abusive, so I knew what I was getting into. I just didn't know it was going to be this bad.

I talked to her about visiting the doctor to see if he might be able to do something to help with her memory loss. She flew into a rage. I stayed calm and told her I thought she needed to go. She got even angrier and ordered me to my room. So I just told her that she needed to go. I haven't mentioned dementia to her because I don't want to frighten her. Her memory is kaput, though, and her emotions are in turmoil. She is diabetic and has high blood sugar, so dementia has to be worked through.

I wanted to take control of her medications a few months ago. Her answer was that she would break any pill machine I brought in. She took all her medications to her room and hid them. She doesn't take them in front of me now, and I know she is often not truthful about how much she takes when it comes to her pain medicine and Ativan. Most of the time I feel like I've been saddled with a lot of responsibility, but without any power to do anything.

I could write many books, but they would all sound like crazy rambling. Each day I just hope that the next will be better. I get out a lot, but maybe I need to get out for longer. They won't let anyone else in the house, though. They live as hermits by choice, so there is just me. It is wearing me out.

My mother is 87 and lives with my dad age 92in assisted living. She looks like a sweet little old lady when i am not around. The minute i come to help a second personality emerges . She screams yells and says i am controlling her life She cusses like i have never heard before.. Everyone says to me your mom is so sweet and it just turns my stomach. I think if you only knew her like i do. She tells cousins that she is being abused and that i am stealing her money. I argued with her yesterday a told her i could not help her any more. I want to
Help my dad but she is stuck to him like glue. I had them check her but they say she is ok. So now i am really boiling mad . No one believes me but she has them in the palm of her hand. I was trying to help but my stress level is through the roof. I come home crying everyday feeling so worthless from her abuse. I am done unless my dad will see me without her . This just makes me sick my dad did not deserve this.

Gee, I am so glad I found this site. I just had an incident with my mom. I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my home. I have to be so careful about what I say. I can be just a comment, and she will take it personally. My mother has been doing and saying things, curiously enough, in the evenings, and then the next day, she'll not remember what she did or said. And yes, the tissues are also in her room, our family room, kitchen, her bathroom, our car, but that is the least of my problems. This being so sensitive and forgetting what she does the evening before, is disturbing to me, but I guess I will have to adjust. God has given us, we that are healthy and of sound mind, the ability to control our emotions. So I will control myself, and try my best to maintain the peace. Nonetheless, it is very difficult.

All of your parents grew up during the great depression, even families that were well of then, did with out reused or conserved, and each parent cleaned up after all of you diaper changes ,sickness, bloody noses vomit, you name it and they took care of it.Money is tight now and many older persons fear not having enough money to get through each month. So to get control ,they control the things they can like reusing tissues, or not taking full baths or not changing clothes as offten as you would like. Maybe the clothing thing is also how the clothing feels on thoer skin.ot they are keeping their homes so cold that they do not want to change( why get out of warm clothing to get in to something that is cold). Sit down with your parents and talk about their childhood, and then work in to the things they do now, no judgments about what they should do .Maybe ther things they do are because of real problems, or they could be because of the fear of losingcontrol of their lives. I bet every one who is here could not wait to leave home just so they could have control over their lives . Now I hear , you want to control your parents livesand treat them as if their bodily functions are in them selves illnesses to be mannaged with rubber gloves . If they are in hospitals then extreme measures shoudl be used but a good washing of hands after touching your parent or their things would go a long way to help them keep their dignaty. Love Peace and Happiness.

Yeah, I had to check my mom's laundry for kleenex, because she'd complain to high heaven if I missed one and there wa any lint on anything! Hoping, I'd probably bring in the outside help anyways in hopes that even though you would have to be there, it might only be at first, and they might gradually get the idea that other people could help them too. And you could possibly do soemthing else in the house besides help them which would help you feel a little more sane and take the edge off. I hated it that my parents would not exercise enough to make a difference and just kind of thought things were supposed to get better without them doing anything that seemed scary or difficult, but it was something in their upbringing or experience that I could not change. For Mom, I know that she was conditioned to beleive that exercising was not ladylike, and for Dad he did a little bit of a cardiac rehab program once, but just kind of slacked off and puttered around a little and sat around a lot. For some people it is fear of falling or fear of pain, and it is hard for any of us to think about future benefits in the face of present fears and discomforts. Even before they had dementia it was just a hurdle they could not ever overcome; it's sad because it shortens and reduces quality of life, but if you ever find a way to motivate them, share it with the world and you will become fabulously wealthy!!

It does me good to read the postings. I have been a full time caregiver now for over 3 years and helped my parents for many years as I lived close and they have heped me. It is sad that in these days I am so burn out that I am keeping them out of the nurseing home but they feel that I am not a good person as I am loseing my temper more but I am there 18-20 hours a day. My dad broke his hip about 3 years ago and so I am now a slave as he won't try to extrise to get better and I have to stand him up several times a day which is sometimes a big problem. He also has the paper thing but I just let him deal with that. I feel guilty and pray alot but this is too many hours aday for us all to be together . I can't bring in outside help for my mother gets nervouse and I would have to be there when the help was so why do it. I feel like I am really not doing the job right but I am doing the best I can. Good Luck to all the caregivers for this is a very hard demanding job.

One thing taht was not mentioned about hording paper(tissue ) is fear of not having enough money to buy more of what ever is hoarded.I am sure that some of these parents and grand parents have enough money for all of their needs but some feel as if there is not enough money to last for the whole month.Reasure your loved one that there is enough for the things he or she needs and if necesary provide for them.empty pockets check their room when cleaning and let it go.They could be hiding food and having it go bad or attract vermin.

I understand the problem with tissues. My mother has not reached that stage yet, but my first graders leave tissues everywhere. I keep gloves and pick them up constantly. Two of my most observant students have suggested that I add the job to our class job chart. It is tempting, but they would just keep the gloves and use them as water balloons. Although your husband has a good idea about detaching yourself, it is a difficult thing to do and has to be practiced daily instead of just deciding to be detached. Perhaps he would like to pick up the tissues? You have obviously learned to stop some of your mother's antics, so perhaps you could ask her to make certain tissues go in a certain place since you want to remain well enough to take care of her and germs spread so easily through tissues. I know you are frustrated, and I truly sympathize. Please vent with us anytime. The OCD suggestion is very important because your mother's anxiety could be somewhat alleviated with medication and perhaps your life would be easier. Best wishes and please stay in touch. Your post will remind me to smile today as I start my tissue rounds. Thank you! Rebecca

I gotta love you all! Tissue Mania, it's everywhere. My mom 87 is a tissue fanatic. They are everywhere, bed, tables, pockets, recliner, sink, car.
She has to carry a box with her and a coffee cup while trying to manage her walker. Grossed out, she hacks and spits in them and then either holds them in her hand or drools into waste basket. I feel like screaming or barfing, usually both. I keep scented waste basket liners by her chair, bed and bath, use disosalable gloves, and yes shut my eyes when I empty them. Now that she at the nursing home I ony have o supply the big boxes of tissues. But I felt bad for her last room-mate who had to endure the hacking thing. Yeppa, you gottta laugh ...

It must be a generation thing and not being able to waste anything. My 98 yo Grandfather and 90 yo Grandmother cut napkins in half or tear those 1/2 papertowels in half with every meal. Everytime I go into the bathroom I find a single toilet tissue saved ... for what I don't know. Recently I reorganized their kitchen ( moved frequently used items to lower shelves, etc ) and had to recycle god only knows how many yogurt and metamucil containers in plastic bags in the cabinets..... and her purse is always littered with used tissues...... ya gotta laugh,

my mom did the tissue thing too,,lol.my dad sheds his skin everywhere, gross! get a box of rubber gloves that are form fitting to your hands in the color black or tan. that way you dont have to touch her snot rags with your bare hands..i always wear glove to touch my dads clothes,his laundry, bathroom. hang in there, mine makes me nuts sometime too.a whole lot lately in fact...

I also thought my Mom's tissue fixation was unique! First I was LAFFIN, then I had tears in my eyes, with the news of Barb1953 had lost her Mom. As I continued to read more I realized this positive energy we are all generating by helping others and each other is reinventing the lives of those we care or cared for. Extening thier lives and changing all the negative energy into positive. If you think about that it makes it all worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greetings All -

Here's another tissue family. I thought it was only my 84 year old mother. I am one part comforted that what I am experiencing (be it my mother's mean behavior and my negative feelings) seems, in part, to be universal so I am not alone. Another part is saddened that we have to experience this - wouldn't life be grand if everyone were nice and could age in a healthy fashion. And one part depressed that I have many years ahead to deal with the issues (I have absolutely no support other than my daughter who I am throwing out of the nest this Fall to go away to college as she needs a break - my younger brother is our only family and he has not chosen to visit his mother since before her hip fracture in Nov 2009). Thank you all for sharing and supporting each other.

Pirate--tell Barb to visit on the Grossed out, Need to vent thread. You crack me up. Are you drinking rum right now? I'm having diet coke and planting some color in my front yard. See ya later!
Hugs,
christina

Recently I actually introduced a big kleenex box to add to my mom's bedside..she is not an abuser of kleenex (except wondering now if I will one of these crazy ladies with kleenex when I get old cause I can't live without each room having kleenex..it's not only for noses..but quick cleanups...lol)...well anyway I notice she tucks back her used kleenex in the box...ewww gross, so once and awhile I find one tucked there and get it out and toss it.....yick...why do old people do gross things...they should def do a study on that one on PBS...LOL! Or would it just get tooo gross...?

HI Barb--(((Hi PQ, SSK, Headbanger:)))
Hope you are getting a new perspective, Barb. She is a different person than the Mother you knew growing up. The bad things are worse, and most of the good things are gone--am I right, or am I right? Listen to your brilliant Husband--isn't that one of the reasons you married him? Detach is correct. I pretend my Mother is someone I am taking care of; I would like to forget as much of the past as she forgets the present.
How nice your Mother is able to to do her beauty treatments herself. I do my Mother's every morning, because she cannot see anymore, nor can she open a jar of moisturizer, or figure out how to hold a tube of lipstick--and I look and feel like a hag most of the time. Let her do it, count your blessings. Don't compare your life to someone in Haiti: God puts us where He wants us, gives us what we can handle, and all that stuff. Your life IS THE PITS right now, and that's the way it is for most of us, compared to how OUR LIVES used to be. Compare it to your own past-life. Your husband sounds nice and patient, like mine. Put him first, enjoy your time together. Mother will only get worse, so face it now. Just have that talk with yourself, Barb, and get some time EVERY DAY to do whatever. Hope you and hubby have a Happy Valentine's Day xoxoxox christina

My grandmother must be one of those foreign spies...she was awakened by a word one day. Her mission is to steal all american paper products and hoarde them for herself. She must destroy all trace of paper that she herself has used so that her paper cannot be reused. It won't sink to the bottom of the bowl unless it is shredded no matter what was wiped with it.

She has her pockets stuffed with so much paper she looks like a cartoon. She is very serious with her reasoning for drying her tissues that she blew her nose on the pictures on the table next to her. Hey, she isn't suffering from Dementia....clearly I am or I wouldn't be so careless with my tissue.

Grandma will fight you if you try to take her tissue or reason with her about it. She must sleep with 2 tissues under her pillow.

I have sat with her too long today. I have to go now so I can use paper and throw it away.