Dtflex Asked March 2010
How do you deal with an employer who is pushing you to make the choice between work and caring for an elderly loved one?
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I returned to work today after being out for two days with my mother in the hospital. As I came in I was given the lecture that it was our busy time and I needed to make a decision whether I could work and care fo my mother at the same time. My sister and brother live in other states so I don;t have anyone else to assist with mom's care. I presently have an agency providing in home care for mom while I am working. Unfortunately there is always a "crisis" either with mom or her caregivers. I know I will need to be with mom for some tests and doctor visits in the next few weeks. What do I do?
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I did take vacation time for doctors' appointments in early times, but Mom is beyond that now. Her GP is remarkably responsive by phone without my needing to ambulance Mom to and from appointments.
HOWEVER, regardless of where you are and the law prevailing there, there will be more and more of us workers / caregivers popping up in the workplace, and this is the time to make employers aware of that. They will simply have to deal with us more humanely due to our sheer numbers. Or suffer the loss of a whole generation of experienced workers.
You might want to start by gently reminding your employer of that.
Otherwise, I agree completely with Elizza's comments from March 11. You need to keep your employer in the care-needed loop without using your home situation to get "special" treatment in the workplace. Tough advice - I speak from personal experience.
My employer - a doctor with an office in a hospital that once held "seniors' month" - my employer couldn't care less about my home challenges. He just wants my BIC (butt in chair) and wants his office run with no disruptions. The only answers he accepts about anything is "it's on your desk" or "I'm on it and it will be on your desk by the time you finish with the next patient."
The workplace will have to accommodate the "sandwich generation" but we have a long way to go yet to make that happen.
Are there any advocacy societies where you are that could maybe send in some advice to your employer?
When I was first juggling a desperately ill parent, and other issues, I was approached by a company that had had my resume on file. When I interviewed they offered me the job, and then made the off hand comment about putting my mom in a home since I would be so busy. Needless to say I didn't accept that job, and have managed to find other clients that allow me to keep her at my home. Tough economies bring out the worst sometimes, but don't let them scare you into being afraid no one else will hire you. How many others out there have gone through this?
I think your parents would understand "Mom and Dad, if I don't work, there will not be any money to pay bills and to provide for food as well as clothing." I'd keep it simple.
How much longer do you think they can keep liiving on the farm?
Now for ordinary folks like us, I gave up on the idea of hiring caregivers whether part time or full time! I give up! And maybe I pray i will never have to hire one even if another medical crisis happen. I simply know this is the era of maid-less generation. Simply put: most partime/fulltime caregivers lasts a few days/weeks only. After that you're on your own again. I've proven this time and time again. It's hard. But in my care I learn to work around it. I don't push myself to do things that I can not simply do for lack of time or money. I juggle my time among my govt job and my duty as the primary breadwinner for my family/primary caregiver for my mom. I feel soooo stressed out, drain and groggy foggy brain.. Just wanna cheer you up. some issues here simply has no other solution but for us to do it... and in the course of doing it, letting go of another. I've also toyed with the idea of resigning so that I can go full time... My polls here showed that most members of this site are willing to resign from their jobs so they can care for their parents. But I didn't heed the polls' results as I know that my job is the only means to sustain my mom's needs, expenses medications. Also my job helps me to detach from my caregiving duties and have a few hours of space for my own personal growth. Good night, just wanna send my prayers & hugs to you. Night night everyone!!
Unfortunately, that isn't always the thinking, especially in this economy.
My husband has been out of work for almost 5 months now and I found out last week that he has been telling them about his mother living with us, who has Alzheimer's.
He gets interviews and is usually in the top 2 or 3 candidates, but gets told that "the company is going in a different direction." My question is if he is in the top 2 or 3 to be hired, how can they--all of a sudden--say that they are going in a different direction. That's BS, in my opinion. Why can't they just say, "The company decided to hire someone else." Be truthful about it. That company's NOT worth working for if they can't come out with the truth. I had no idea that the Family Leave Act
included parents, I just thought it was people in your household.
Ask your HR department contact for a written policy or statement of why it would take so long, then contact your Area Department of Labor Office and let the DOL know. If you have complied by providing the required medical certification, that 30-day delay is not only bad faith by your employer, it is ludicrous.
Don't back down if you have done everything you needed to do and are eligible for FMLA by virtue of your tenure and hours worked and the qualifying serious medical life event. It is every American workers' right. If you need help the DOL is there to assist you.
I certainly understand my bosses perspective that she has a business to run and it is her business at jeopardy too. She has been exptremely patient considering this has been going on for two years. I was hired two years ago with the full disclosure of my situation of being a caregiver. But as many of you know a lot changes in two years when dealing with chronic illnesses.
Yes I am doing what I can to protect my job because in case you didn't notice, jobs aren't available out there. I live in a state that has a higher unemployment rate than the national average. FMLA also includes "reduced work hours" so that I can take my mother to her numerous doctor appointments. Those that I can delegate to an outside caregiver I do, however there are some I must go to because I need to get the correct information from the doctor since my mother cannot remember or gets the information confused.
And as for the suggestion to talk to my boss, it is best not to talk with her when she is in an emotional state ready to cry, which was the situation Wednesday. She is not cold hearted, but frightened and reacts rather irrationally at times. When she is calmer I will try approach the issue.
No, I'm not riding the pity train, just trying to survive. I'm not looking for a "loophole" as you suggest to sit on my ass an twiddle my thumbs. I need to work and have an income to pay for my mothers care.
I've read many of your post and have found them very informative, however I think you misunderstood my situation.
dtflex
Best of Luck to both you & your mom.
Darned if you do and darned if you don't, right? Since you can't have your cake and it it too, eventually you'll have to make a choice. ... Or your boss is going to make it for you.
Elizza made some wonderful suggestions you shouldn't ignore. You can, for instance, (1) take medical leave until your mom is stable and the hired caregivers "crises" are over; (2) resign if you can afford being out of work; (3) make your boss' life miserable until he/she fires you, then file for unemployment and take care of your mom for 6 months; (4) talk with your mother, explain your job situation, and ask her to cooperate a little (do the same with your siblings); (5) put your mom in a nursing home; or (6) get on the pity pot and wait for everything to go away -- including your livelihood.
I advise you against holding your boss accountable for your situation and misfortunes. If I were him/her, I'd also ask you to decide what's more important. He/she has a business to run, you entered into an agreement when hired, not-so-unforeseen circumstances arose that keep you from performing your duties and earning that paycheck, and now it seems you're looking for a loophole that will allow you to take days off to take care of your mother even when there's hired help available (albeit in crisis) and hang on to a steady paycheck. The way it looks, and judging from the information you've given here, you can't have both. Good luck.
-- ED
I reside in Singapore and here we do also sometimes get employers who are very one-sided and we also do have employers who are very compassionate.
What you may have to do is to have a good talk with your boss, and get him to understand your situation and that you are not doing it on purpose or without a thought for your work. Having elderly parents or young children would always put Moms in situations that they would have to handle them and you are the only one to look after your Mum. Perhaps, on days when you have to be away from work, you may suggest to him that if you have outstanding work, you would be willing to come in to complete it.
I am sure he has his family too and would perhaps understand your situation after this talk. I cannot fortell if the outcome would be favourable, hey, at least you tried.
I hope that somewhere inside your boss, there is a shred of decency and I hope that he realises that for anyone's business to flourish and grow they have to take care of their employees, and in turn he would have very loyal employees.
I wish you all the best and I hope that your Mom feels better soon.
God bless.
Unfortunately-business is business-and your employer seems quite harsh-that is until he is walking in your shoes-and able to relate.
By the way-as an alternative, have you considered using a day care center? In this manner you will be able to get to work, and your loved one will be taken care of..
Whatever the outcome-Good Luck-
Hap
I don't know if you have contacted your county Dept on Aging or other resources but they can help you on the home front without causing problems on the job front. And an honest discussion with your employer and co-workers will go a longer way toward finding a solution than will finger pointing. You should not assume that you are the only employee facing caregiver problems. What do your co-workers do with their children when school closes and day care has limited hours or costs too much?
The federal FMLA does not apply to:
* workers in businesses with fewer than 50 employees (this threshold does not apply to public agency employers and local educational agencies);
* part-time workers who have worked less than 1,250 hours within the 12 months preceding the leave;
* workers who need time off to care for seriously ill domestic partners, children of domestic partners or seriously ill elderly relatives;
* workers who need time off to recover from short-term or common illness like a cold, or to care for a family member with a short-term illness; and
* workers who need time off for routine medical care, such as check-ups.
I ran into the same issue. I'm an only child and had to take time off when my parents took ill. They were in NJ and I was in CT. I had to move them into assisted living here in CT. My boss told me I had an "attendance problem". I'm sure that was a factor in the decision to vote me off the island when the company had a layoff. My female boss was much more lenient with a female coworker who took off nearly a month after her brother-in-law died because "her sister needed her".
I'm sorry to say that how your boss handles this is discretionary.
as mentioned by the previous posters.
Jodi is right the government will protect your job and you are entitled to a 4 month family emergency leave. After that if you still need more time take unpaid if need be, but I suppose all may be well within 4 months.
Google that question and see what you come up with. Matter of fact, I think I'll google it myself. I love a good legal battle.