Is it useless to try to encourage my mother to participate in life?

Wow! This is one of the best questions yet and the best answers, too! I agree about the depression. I saw the same in my 94 y/o mom, the withdrawl and lack of interest (depression for which Lexapro has helped) along with the cognitive impairment precluding her from doing her word puzzles, finding the bathroom, recognizing her own apartment and what not. Mom was a concert pianist and she can't really read the music anymore. She falls asleep during TV and movies, too. Until I realized, she needs someone to help narrate the movie and explain to her what is going on, then she gets interested - but she can't make it through an entire movie - we do the movies in segments. She then pitches in with her recollection (though quite off). Mom can't read anymore, but I find that she enjoys being read to and she finds my voice comforting. Mom was never ever one for stuffed animals or toys. Now she brightens like a child. I bought her a dancing musical Snoopy - she gets the biggest kick out of it and hugs it and the music is familiar (she becomes like a child). She can't make him do it herself (can't remember to press his hand) - but that is something I do for her every time I go there. I also found she needed a change in eyeglass prescription. Can't see, can't think, can't remember and can't do for herself having out lived all her old friends, family and Dad- that would be grounds for depression! Not being able to give or give back has been another issue. When all you can do is receive it takes something away from your personhood. At Christmas I bought small gifts for her aides and counselor, wrapped them attractively. When each aide came on we made a big deal - I gave mom the gift and you should have seen the smile on her face when SHE gave the gift to the aides and told them thank you! It was empowering for her. We don't have any involved family (as those of you who have been reading our posts know). Mom's aides have become her new reality. So we had a Christmas dinner party with her aide (on shift) and another aide came. I have to tell you it resulted in mom and the aides really bonding in a different way. We sat together and ate together, took pictures and mom really perked up. Mom couldn't remember how to play Christmas carols and couldn't read the music. But when I sung along with her she picked it up and was able to play the pieces (albeit not like before) but she got plenty of applause. Mom actually got up and did the cha-cha-cha with her walker then did little funny bows for laughs. This from someone who spends her days practically somnolent in her chair. She is still in there, we just have to find ways to bring out whatever may be possible and what is possible changes from day-to-day. As others have mentioned, I give mom the time and space to talk - I do get close to her face so she can see me and here me and smell me (we all have familiar scents). And she does talk and tell me what she feels, including wanting to die because she is tired and there is nothing left of her life. But, it is not over until God says so... we just have to be aware and meet them where they are and do what we can to be their hands, eyes and memory! Never give up!

Trying to encourage old people to participate in life bears no resemblance to encouraging a young person to try new things. I have tried for years to get my inlaws to accept their limitations while finding things they still can do. But what they want to do and what they are capable of doing often are two different things. They can't do what they used to do so they don't do much. That's their choice, I accept it and life goes on.

NYDaughterinLaw, you are right, trying to encourage a young person is very different from trying to encourage an elderly person, especially one with dementia. Young people's brain cells are in tact and their memories and capabilites are growing, not withering. They have the world and their future life to look forward to. And most young people have not outlived their friends, parents, siblings, and sometimes children. Encouraging young people is rewarding and it can be rewarding to encourage declining seniors. The latter takes more compassion and understanding and energy, if you care to! WHen you are old, alone, vulnerable, unable to do for yourself, unble to reason well or to do much, depressed and facing your end days, I hope someone does say to you, "that's your choice" because for the most part, it is not a question of choice!

Excuse me, trying2, but I was addressing people whose parents still can participate in life and choose not to because they are too busy wallowing in self pity or expecting their children to become the moon around their sun. I understand why my words irked you given your mother's dementia/illness, which is not her choice but rather her sad reality. I hope when you are your mother's age that you will get to live your life to the fullest in honor of your mother who doesn't have a choice.

Great dialog here! My mother just got moved from an independant unit (she shared with Dad who did much but she was on "Assisted Status" in the apartment as well. It was getting to be too much for Dad so she was moved into her own Assisted living "Suite" which has a small sitting room part kitchen, and bedroom bathroom. She is 92 somewhat mobile with walker but needs dressing washing toilet help and has dementia, and Dad is 89, very mobile- driving (this may end soon),golfing, etc.
When I first realized Mom was slipping down the rabbit hole after an extended visit, I got home and cried and cried. You loose them twice I heard- Once when they loose their memories, and again when they die. Comments that I would take to heart would be: Don't give up- they pop there head out of the hole in the strangest ways! Get a laugh out of them however you can. Keep them moving as much as possible! When left alone with poor eyes, ears, and memory, sleep is the alternate reality they seek. Watch the MEDS!! Less is better. For a while Mom needed Anxiety meds to deal with her own angers and confusion but that seems to have passed and she is mellowing (or resigning) to the caregivers helping. Keep a watch if possible on the caregivers- they are not all angels. We had one woman who mom would get agitated when she came in .(This is a pitfall of the ALC- Lots of changeover and rotating staff who get to know Mom). She would have bruises from this woman treating her too roughly. I reported it. I am not there all the time but established a good relationship with the social worker at the home and will call her weekly and ask questions. Dad is still able to have meals with her and go down to her suite and sit with her whenever he wants. (He is a bit lonely but like we all say- she's gone usually.) When she wakes up and I ask where she has been , it could be at the art museum, having lunch with her (dead) brother, or busy "in the basement". Still love her dearly, am blessed she is no longer mean and angry- it is part of the dementia in her case. Hope this helps!

A move can show up undiagnosed dementia or show how severe it has progressed - just as you never see your kids grow but relatives from out of town do so too a move can show the change in your loved one - their shirts are in a different drawer, the bathroom is in a different place than at home, the bathroom vanity doesn't have the storage the same place as at home, etc, etc

A friend's mom was having a memory test that the family was at but they were not allowed to speak - question after question she would sort of start an answer then turn to her husband & daughters to finish the answer - that was when they realized how often they had been finishing sentences for her etc

Not living in the same place is a huge adjustment - when mom's room was moved in the same facility it took her about 5 months to recognize it as hers not 'where I visit sometimes' - she finally said it was her room for 2 days [but actually 5 months] & asked why she was moved - I strategically lied & said she asked for the bigger room when it became available then she 'remembered' asking for it - as it was a nicer room it was easy to get her to think it was her idea & she is now happy with it

I find treating mom as a 3 years old with the 'smarts' works well - I always bring a treat such as a coffee & 2 timbits/ a plant etc & she always greats me with a smile even if it takes 15 seconds to recognize me -

Using logic is out of the question but using humour works well because if she laughs at something she feels that whatever issue we talked about is resolved - for example when she asks about her money ... I tell her she has enough until she is 119 years old - she laughs & says she 'won't live THAT long!' but it seems the underlying issue is security of where she will live & if there is enough money to keep her but when I started saying that she is comforted that it will not be a problem & that feeling of comfort stays even when she can't remember the talk we had

I found a switch to bingo & other activities helped mom interact with others & winning a Hallowe'en size chocolate bar was huge to her - mom also can't read, paint, draw or do so many activities she used to but she likes going to about 10 activities a week that she can participate interactively

Did you notice these changes before or after she moved to assisted living? My mother recently had surgery and while in the hospital she just could not concentrate, she could not focus her thoughts, and she slept all the time. After a few days home we realized the hospital was giving her meds to her in the morn. when she would normally have take them at night. One of the side effects of her meds is dizziness and fatigue. She said she felt like she was in a fog.

Hi, NYDaughterinlaw! No need to exuse yourself and thanks for the kind words. You haven't said much about your MIL or FIL. How old are they, how long have they not been able to do, what is their mental and physical status, etc. With more info we might be able to share some experiences. I know my mom was a bear when she started having to face what she could not longer do - I wanted to slit my throat. At the time I was an exec on Wall Street and accustomed to "solving problems".Mom used to call the the Gestapo! In retrospect I didn't appreciate how paralyzing, depressing and demoralizing losing ones abilities could be and how that could lead to an enu that at the time I didn't understand. Ever lose a job, marriage, significant other? That can be paralyzing and depressing and demoralizing, but we have tomorrow! Imagine losing more with not much in the way of a tomorrow. Having grown considerably older with all this (my gray hairs and trips to the salon have increased!) I can see now in retrospect that I wasn't encouraging talk or listening well, and maybe I didn't have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. You didn't hit a nerve, I just thought you were dealing with dementia or the end stage issues we usually deal with here and were looking for insight. It all can be angering - at whatever stage! If you want to share more, we are listening! Peace!

I think sometimes we can look at our elderly parents through our own personal lens that affects how we view their lives. My mom just turned 97 and will tell you she's very satisfied with her life. But she does very, very little in the course of a day. She has no short-term memory. She works part of the daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper and loves simple word-find books. She doesn't watch much tv. I bring her romance novels, which she used to love. I'm not sure if she's getting anything out of them since her memory is shot, but I keep bringing them and she puts her bookmarks in like she's reading them.

When I go visit her, she often doesn't hear me come in. She'll be carrying on a good conversation with herself. I think she's thinking about her youth on the farm because she frequently references that.

My point is that me looking at her life through my own life lens, her life looks very isolating and depressing. Boring. But she seems perfectly satisfied. So don't let your own thoughts/expectations create more of a perceived issue for your mom than may be there. I think seniors are satisfied with less stimulation and activity than we are in many cases.

Sounds like dementia and or depression. My mother also was avid reader and crosswords etc- then - within a year or two - all gone. Music was one last vestige but even that faded too. It's a sad transition- but it's old age and people living longer and longer. Try to look at the positive aspects you still have versus the losses. And build on those. Good luck and peace. We cleared out my parents home this past year- very tough for me the daughter. My brothers don't really talk about it with me much but they left it mostly to me to clear it out. They did other heavy lifting/ medicare/'medicaid/finding al facility/visiting/ trust/ power of medical and attorney/ paying to fix house/ etc etc. peace

Mom2Mom - Yes, we each have to take responsibility for our own happiness! My mom's very poor attitude affects several people but she really doesn't care. Dealing with her the last few years has really taught me some lessons about being grateful for the things I have, making the most of each day, and most importantly that you have a responsibility to those around you to be kind and strong. It must be tough having your mom live with you. Mine lives down the street and her sadness weighs on me constantly.

Dear pained sisters. I have been where you are now. My mother isn't completely disengaged but she too is a formal shell of the rock star, beauty she used to be. I too had to clean out her home and then finally her independent living apartment last March when we moved her to a memory care community. It was the saddest days of my life. Although I still struggle with the reality of this devastating disease, I know she is safe and cared for by those who understand how to deal with the different moods and complexities of dimentia Alzheimer's.
Did your mom like animals? Perhaps you could bring a pet in to visit with your mom. My mom still has her Bichon Sophie, and I am convinced it is saving her life. Not that I would recommend getting a dog, because it comes with a whole list of it's own issues I won't go into. But having Sophie around gives many of the other residents a lot of pleasure as well.
Also ,my mom's place has a group of professional singers called SONGS BY HEART. they come everyday at 3:00 for an hour and play music of their era and the residents come alive. My mom remembers all the words to most of the songs and many of them get up and dance too. See if they have a website.
I wish I could say it gets easier or better but it doesn't. I miss my old mom but she does come out once in a while with a funny comment or laughs at an old memory I share. She's still in there so never give up and visit her as much as you are able.

If she's otherwise healthy, the first step toward getting her engaged in activities is to first keep her out of bed. Keep her out of bed and keep her awake if she does lay down. If she lays down, drag her out of bed, then take her somewhere and give her something to do. You may have to get creative on this one and find a strategy that actually works to get her to participate because life is not over until God says it is. I strongly agree on how painful it must be to sell everything out from under her while she's still living, something I personally would never do, but that's just me. Anyway, you may also want to get her into some kind of counseling and see how you can help her. As long as she still alive there's still hope so don't give up, hang in there

Skaredtaker hit on something about the lack of familiarity and overwhelming stimulation. When you moved mom there, did you bring her favorite photos, paintings and furniture? I met a lady a couple weeks ago who completely recreated her house's living room and bedroom in the Assisted Living Facility. The same pillows, comforter, throw rug, microwave cart..bathroom towels. It was a bit crowded, but she had her night tables with all of her clippers, kleenex and do-hickeys she always knew where to find. She even had her old silverware and dishes. She was getting along quite well. If things "outside" become overwhelming, she retreats to her "home."