Hi
I’ll try to keep it short and some details.
98 year old FIL, SIL is POA financial not medical. My husband is the only other child.
My FIL has had all toes amputated on right foot due to peripheral artery disease. Recovered well at rehab after months of climbing out of bed and tearing stitches due to an at-home aide who couldn’t handle him. My husband continued to warn my sister-in-law of problems we saw, but she continued to not listen to any advice. She’s insisted he be at home and die at home, which is ok with the proper care. He has an aide and gets financial support from a fireman’s benefit of $5,000 a month.
After 2 hospitizations for urinary infection he’s home. The arteries are causing gangrene in his right foot. Another amputation was discussed and my sis refused. She wants him on hospice, but my husband is not in agreement and wants him to stay at least on palliative care. We are going to discuss options with the doctors since up until now my SIL has been handling this since we thought she was medical POA. She would tell us if FIL progressed but never discussed decisions she was making medically for him.
My husband was very involved, bringing dinner and bringing him to doctor appointments but since SIL doesn’t work, she was communicating more with the doctors.
We had 2 meetings about hospice? My husband was still against it.
She was having a 3rd meeting but never told my husband, we just happened to show up at his house. My husband found out that after the 2nd meeting she signed up for hospice and didn’t tell him.
After questioning her, we find out that she is not the medical POA . All along she lied and never revealed this. She made this decision without my husband’s consent and right behind his back.
I always encouraged my husband to ask to see the documents but he never pushed it since she would anger very quickly. He trusted her.
What she pulled is terrible and my husband is blown away.
He’s told her he doesn’t want to speak to her anymore
I can’t blame him because that’s his dad too.
Is it justified for him to be angry?
I think he is.
In all of this I see nothing about what the Father wants. Can you tell me why that is? If he is being left out of this decision that's a terrible decision. If on the other hand his dementia is too severe to have an input into this, then I would like to ask your husband one question, which is "To what end would you put your Father through further torture by denying him a peaceful death?"
I have little sympathy with your husband, I am sorry to say. I hope for a peaceful and comfortable passing for your FIL. Often amputations such as this are done an inch at a time, with all that surgery means for the elderly person, and all to no avail with the complications of blood clots and etc. If it is your FIL's choice to fight for his life on that long and bloody battlefield, then I honor that choice with all my heart. If it is your husband's choice for his father I can only scratch my head and wonder why.
I believe a care conference with your SIL, FIL, and his son would be appropriate and I wonder if the doctor would consider that.
I wish you all good luck.
I believe it comes a time to stop all the interventions at this time of someone’s life. Nature needs to take it course. Hospice will keep him comfortable…
Encourage him to talk to his sister. They need to agree on a plan which is best for their father and to ensure he doesn't suffer needlessly.
Sometimes treatment is worse then the thing being treated.
I don't know if there is anything that can be done for gangrene besides surgery but, I would ask about having magots put on to eat away the dead and infected flesh. Maybe that would stop it from going septic.
Good luck with your meeting! I truly hope you guys get answers and find peace with whatever is to be done.
Your FIL will die when God is ready to take him home. Not when your SIL says it's time, or when you say it's time, or when hospice says it's time. Their role in all this is to keep him comfortable without the need for surgeons to keep amputating parts of his poor, tired body.
Your husband now wanting to 'stop speaking' to your SIL is just going to add more chaos to what should be a peaceful time in your FILs life. Why do that? To what end? Allow this old man some peace in his life now, whether your DH is 'justified' in his anger or not. Whether you believe he's justified or not. In the end, who cares? What matters is that your FIL and your husband's father is comfortable, peaceful and not suffering ANY MORE.
That's all.
Your DH 'feels that any treatment might help' his father. Let the DOCTOR tell them what may or may not help at this point, and what should be done to MINIMIZE his discomfort. Keeping in mind that surgery hurts, causes complications, and hospital stays, etc. While hospice's goal is to administer comfort meds to keep pain away. The last thing on earth I wanted for either of my parents was to see them hospitalized again at the end of their life. I hired hospice to keep them OUT of the hospital, away from knives needles and suffering that happens there. They both died w/o any suffering, in a peaceful and calm environment, with music playing and loved ones surrounding them instead.
Please let the little differences here fall by the wayside as you tend to your FIL's needs in a compassionate and loving fashion.
his only issue is the artery not supplying blood to his foot. He’s had an artery opening about 9 mos ago.
He comes through these procedures well . The problem is he will be in severe pain if the gangrene spreads and will lead to sepsis. My husband just feels that any treatment might help . Not amputation but something that maybe will help
We have s consult with dr tomorrow
fil has no living will
She's been doing all the work. Perhaps FIL is fine with her making the decisions, and as next of kin, she has as much right to make the decision as your husband and appears to have more of a relationship with FIL's doctors than he does.
Frankly, your husband is 100% off base on this in regard to hospice care. Does he really think a 98-year-old is going to recover from yet more surgery and GANGRENE and go dancing afterward? The poor man is suffering, and the end of his life is near. Your husband is being selfish and doesn't appear to be thinking about what's best for his father but rather for him. It's no wonder your sister-in-law went behind his back.
So, are his feelings justified? Sure, if that makes him feel better. Did he bring this on by his own behavior? He sure did.