More and more this adds up to impulse control and OCD thinking about every new ache and pain for days, calling 911 and then lying to paramedics about throwing up, going to er, being seen and monitored, refusing further testing at 11:00PM and asking ER to sign off so she can go to primary Dr. sometime later for further consultation. This has now happened for the last 3 visits. Nebulous symptoms, ER visit, released home within a few hours no further problems expected. Visited primary Dr. between ER visits. No problems. Soon enough it'll be another visit to ER complaining about her tract or something and no problems. She was always correct in determining when her heart and blood pressure were troublesome, so I sort of expected to continue that streak, But now she seriously is impaired in her judgement of what warrents an emergency room visit. She could make weekly visits to her physician if she wanted to. There is always some excuse now to rely on the ER for treatment and just attention if you want to know what I think. I think she starts feeling terrible like for instance if you or I had a terrible morning on the toilet if you see what I'm saying. She feels just overall crummy and it won't go away.
So rather than make another appt where her Dr. says, "It's just old age," she ambushes the ER with various complaints that can't be immediately dispelled without further testing. So she then gets BP heart rate, temperature, blood work, etc.
She's trying to get nursing home level care in a chaotic manner if you asked me.
I'm going to have a conversation with her today, and expect there to be fireworks, ugh.
How do other family caregivers approach this?
I appreciate any insight.
Daughter would get the call. Dad unwell, dying, panic etc. Drive to ER. On repeat. Wait around for HOURS... lots of lovely fussing... no issues. Daughter drives him home.
Sometimes a day or two stay in hospital. Sometimes daughter could stay a day or two once home.
On repeat. Until daughter said No. Call EMS yourself Dad.
So he did. On repeat.
Daughter had to keep stepping back. Honesty + Tough Love;
No Dad, not coming.
Not staying.
You are not coping at home.
Time for a care home.
I met him when he had returned home for ONE DAY & he told me he didn't know what to do, just felt .. didn't know.. so called EMS. They asked what his emergency was. He didn't really know. Said his bottom hurt to sit on. They told him to call family. He called his daughter, but she wouldn't come
so he kept called EMS again (maybe multi times) & pleaded for them to come get him. Taken to ER (for what official reason I don't know).
Memory appeared intact but screening for investigation for dementia, depression & anxiety.
Anxiety & emotional lability, worse in evenings. ?Sundowning, ?Vascula dementia.
Anxiety? Or anxiety as beginning stage of dementia?
I see it coming now.
Thank you all for the realistic insights.
He called 911 so often that the police would show up instead of the emts and just give him a ride to the local hospital. Another time he wanted me to take him to the ER over the leaky catheter. I told him again I would drop him off but I wasn't staying. He agreed but as soon as I got there he insisted I go in with him. Sat there 2 hours before they took him back. Right before that I told him I had to leave and he got all pissy with me and said I should just take him home to die. The nurse shows up to take him back and I tell him I have to go and the nurse gives me all sorts of crap for leaving. This was my 100th trip to the ER and I was just done. None of his trips were life threatening. The crazy thing is the ONE time he did have a serious issue it was my insistence that he get to the ER. Of course, I had to leave work right before a big meeting to get him there. I don't think our parents understand or see how much we do for them.
My point is, after two years of running me ragged taking him to the ER over nothing (constipation was his favorite reason for going) I finally had enough and said unless it was life threatening I was not coming out . If he was admitted for observation I would come out when it was convenient for me. No more leaving work.
They go to the ER because everyone fusses over them. Someone pops into your room every 15 minutes to see how you are. That is why she is going.
Let HER call the ER. Don't enable this behavior.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and she will not improve. She can't be reasoned with. No conversation with her will get usable results.
She does want attention, and the best place for her to get it is in a residential care facility. They'll have her singing happy birthday songs and playing baseball with balloons in no time.
You'll be off to scrapbooking class or visiting your friends. Do it!
Is she on any meds for depression/anxiety/agitation?
Does she call 911 independently? I'd let her do it and the consequences will come soon enough.
Do NOT pick her up.
She waits until it's too late in the day for me to be able to unwind her big build up to calling 911, independently, saying she is a lot sicker than previously disclosed by her to me, saying blatantly false symptoms, and then waiting for me to come pick her up after her very exciting ride in an ambulance, being doted over in the er by young nurses, and finally being somehow reassured her newest ache isn't her death knell.
I would take her to several visits a week to whomever...this ER carp has me rattled.
She's going to wind up in specialized care soon enough if she can't break this habit
Impulse control issues mostly.
Impulse control: In dementia, you don't know what direction lack of impulse control will take. She might start yelling at people over nothing, or she may never do that. She may start throwing things or never do that. She may get mad at the microwave because she can't remember how to set the timer and when she manages to get it to work, it's on the wrong time but she's already rampaged off and forgot she left it on, so it burns up the food and starts a house fire.
Everything is unpredictable.
Not understanding consequences: She can know that she shouldn't drive but not understand the consequences that will happen if she does drive and can't get home. So she finds keys and drives the car like she used to do. She can slam the phone down on her best friend and not understand the consequences that her friend will no longer call her.
These actions are of varying degrees of concern, but she's lost parts of her brain, and nothing is safe. You can interact with her 23 hours a day, and as soon as you're somewhere else, she can do something dangerous that you never even thought of, nor did she.
I know someone who tried to trim a hedge with a garage wet vac. I knew a person who took off all her clothes and ran down the street naked in October. Someone who tried to plug something that wasn't a plug into a bathroom electrical outlet.
Please rethink what you think.
I know that it’s so very frustrating for you.
Some questions:
Do you have to go the ER with her, every single time?
Do you have MPOA?
Has mom been formally diagnosed with dementia? Is that included in her chart at the hospital?
If not, just let her continue to call 911, go to ER.
Don't show up. Let them handle her.
Tell mom if she is "independent" she can arrange her own pcp visits. Take an Uber/Cab/Lyft.
Step WAY back from supporting/propping her up.
The system will kick in.