Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Why not, Igloo?

I think one thing I would remind you of is that we all need a purpose... no matter how old we grow... I would encourage her to do what she can and would like to do. Perhaps she wants to set the table for meals or fold laundry. I think it is important that she feel wanted and also feel constructive.

My mom always did many things around the house. Not only did she do things around the house she did yard work took the dog for a walk and took care of all the animals, went many places,the list goes on and on. She was very active until she had minor surgery and got a uti infection after the surgery. Changing the subject she then went to a recovering facility and was drugged into a coma. Then as she was trying to recover from the drugging at home my sure footed mom fell while trying to get to the rest room after being up for at least 2 days, who wouldn't.She went to the hospital because she bruised herself and we thought she may have a break. No break but they kept her anyway so they could drug her into a coma again.This was after we said no to drugs. Then she was thrown into a nursing home and labeled as being in the last stages of dementia instead of drug induced. It looked like dementia if you did not know her and they continued to drug her and forced her stay in a wheel chair and use diapers which really upset her since she was so active.When ever she was not too drugged she would walk and use the rest room if she was allowed to. Changing the subject again here. D. N.R s r bad for people of any age and they should be taken off when a person becomes elderly.Then at least you do not have to worry about ur loved one being killed because of it. Check medical records to make sure one is not ever placed by a doctor. Anyway activity and healthy is good. If our terrible medical staff did not get a hold of my mom she would have remained healthy and active til at least 100. I just saw an article about a 100 year old man who was the oldest person in Canada to finish a marathon.

As others have suggested, find some safe things that she can do at her age and with her physical limitations, such as:

1. Folding laundry after it comes out of the dryer.
2. Sorting dirty laundry into darks, mediums and whites.
3. Loading the dishwasher.
4. Using that "spritz & wash" type of all-purpose household cleaner with a sponge to clean the bathroom sink & fixtures.
5. Look for coupons in the paper for things you use.and circle them with a "sharpie" pen.
6. Take inventory of what it is in the fridge and draw up a grocery list of what you are "low" on.
7. Straighten up utensils in the kitchen drawers.
8. Straight up the linen closet, re-fold towels.
9. Set the table for dinner - or at least the flatware & napkins.
10. Carry dirty plates one at a time to the kitchen sink after dinner.
11. Feed the family pet, change his water a couple of times daily
12. Let the dog/cat outside, let him inside.
13. Retrieve newspaper from front of house.
14. Bring in the mail from front of house.

I could go on endlessly. The most important thing is that she feels she is making a "contribution" to the household, in the same way that a 3-year-old might do. We would only give a 3-year-old what they could reasonably & safely manage. So, too, with the elderly.....we have to consider what they are capable of.

Hope that helps!

N1K2R3, I think it is interesting that different regions (or maybe different social strata) use terms differently. No, chores are not for the "help" -- especially in households that have never had hired household help. Chores are just tasks that have to be repeated and usually don't take a lot of skill. Cleaning the gutters is a seasonal chore (not for an 87 yo, of course). Re-roofing is not a chore. Sweeping the kitchen is a daily chore. Painting the kitchen is not a chore. There is nothing demeaning about doing chores. They have to be done by someone, and they do make a valued contribution to the household.

Of course, if no one else in the household does chores and that is reserved for hired help, then it would not be appropriate to expect a mother or mother-in-law (or father/FIL) to be the only family member to do them. But the majority of American homes do not have paid household help, and everyone pitches in.

This topic and thread of conversation has meaning and power and I would just like to contribute a little bit of my own observation.
Before my dad's death last year my mom was the early riser, her private time to herself, she would get her own breakfast, her and my dad's meds, she would also swiffer the kitchen floor and dust the furniture surfaces in the kitchen, dining room and family room. Since my dad's death she does not of these things. Mornings I awaken her, I lay out her lifelong breakfast of graham crackers and coffee, manager and monitor her meds, some mornings even help her get dressed, and no, she does not dust of swiffer. We do have a cleaning woman and partner who comes every other week so that chore has been taken away from my mom (they do the deep and heavy cleaning and there is no reason why my mom can't still dust/swiffer when she wants to). Everything changed over this past year with the grieving thus depression.
I cannot make my mom return to the earlier riser cleaner woman she was a year ago. It is heart breaking to see the depression consumer her. Yes she is on meds for that and that's been only about two months though. She does offer to do things around the house but forgets. I was amazed that she was even putting the trash on the curb Thursday nights. She has stopped doing that lately as well.
She does have a doc appt next week. I am looking forward to it. With the depression consuming my mom's life, I am fighting for it not to consume mine.
Chores may be associated with our parents' (or others) lives when those lives were less painful. Doing those chores now might trigger a memory too painful to recall at this time.
Will my mom ever be the early bird around here anymore? I hope so. Will she dust and swiffer three rooms of this large house again? Maybe not. She wanted the house to look nice for my dad, and without him here her motivation is gone as well. Maybe that's something to think about when we want the octogenarians to help. Helping with a chore they did previous to a change in their lives might be psychologically and/or emotionally harmful for them.
Just thinking aloud this morning. Maybe therapy for me; thanks for listening.
Peg

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. It struck me when I read that many years ago, and it still strikes me in different ways. When one is 87 years old, an educated parent, or grandparent.... and with little time left to enhance the mind, why spend the precious hours left doing mundane tasks that can be done by hired help? Of course these things, however repetitive, must be done, but they do not take precedence over studying, reading, conversing with knowledgable people on a particular subject of interest. Isn't a trip to the local library, art museum, or a session with Steve on the Travel Channel more valuable than Swifter dusting?
It's not too late to learn to search E-bay. It's not too late to learn the intricasies of the Tax Code. It's not too late to learn how to knit one, purl one....etc.
A lawyer can learn motorcylce maintenance. A nurse can learn to paint ( the canvas, not the house). You get the point, I'm sure.
If it's the word "hired" that perhaps offends, then get over it. Some spend their money at Starbucks, and others spend their money on hired help.

I agree it would be fabulous if everyone regarded continued education as you do and I respect your view. I am 57 years old, returned to the local university and people "my age" ask me "why?" Why would I want the stress of the homework, quizzes, midterms, finals and worrying about a grade??? After all, weren't we supposed to do that immediately after graduating from high school?
My mom's routine of dusting and swiffering around the house was what she wanted to do. She also did academic things that have fallen by the wayside since my dad's death. Doc and I are working together to lift the cloud of depression so as to open the doors again to those things you mentioned (except auto mechanic, she doesn't like to get dirty). A year ago my mom was uploading photos from her camera and proud to edit and print her own photos. Grieving/depression is holding her paralyzed and I pray the meds, doc's suggestions and time will enable her to have the strength to do that again.
I agree trips to the library would be wonderful. Some people are not as interested in doing that and we need to remember that. I know people spend their money on Starbucks (the lines are enormously long on campus!) and I would prefer to spend my money on books and new computers when one is failing or hired help so I can do the things I like to do and not dust and vacuum.
The point I was making about her household chores was moreso the "routine" that depression robs one of. My mom also did volumes of word searches! And she loved to buy the most recent booklet that enabled her to increase her vocabulary. But the routines of the past are now being governed by the deep grieving of the loss of her beloved of over 65+ years. The grip grieving has on her (and many, many others) is holding her (and others) back from enjoying this part of her/their lives without her/their spouses.
Academia is not for everyone as we see with the undereducation in this country. Doing the things you mentioned, like knitting, crocheting, seamstress work are all important for the continuance of hand-eye coordination.
I agree there are words that people attribute to other social stratus they may not be a part of. Perhaps "hired" doesn't offend but may be a memory trigger of an unpleasant experience. We don't know. For some mopping a floor is theraupuetic and not mundane; for some it has been part of their lives for so long, losing that chore is yet another loss. Too many losses in one's life too close together could be detrimental.
I think at this point I am sad that grieving has encapsulated my mom's life and I pray that all resources available to her will eventually lift the cloud hovering over her and she will find new and different enjoyment at this point in her life. It is all about change, transition, and moving forward whether you are knit, fix a car, can do taxes, paint, do word searches, drink coffee, or mop the floor ... we must all keep moving forward and encourage others to do the same.

What a wonderful answer, PegDBee! I wish you and your mom enjoyment of the years that she has left. I'll be the first to say that I do not understand depression (Clinical Depression), not situational.. There are meds that do work, I've been told.
I'm sure that you are getting the best advice on these anti-depression drugs. Good Luck!!
p.s.
She's lucky to have a daughter like you.

My Uncle passed away just a few years ago. My Aunt told me that for years there is this routine where you do your chores, fix meals, go to appts. with your beloved and then it all stops. The routine was broken and there are adjustments to be made. Us women are used to 'doing' for others. It's the nurturing gene we are endowed with.
I found I had to adjust after spending 35 years raising children and then it stops and adjustments have to be made. Then I finished my degree and planned on a second career as a teacher but my dad moved in and once again, adjustments had to be made.
Moving across country away from family and friends was a depressing feat we had to endure and adjust to. We did.
There is no sure deal and their is grieving, disappointment and adjusting all along the way in life.
It is hard to see our loved ones going through this and when we go through it, we have a deeper understanding. This too shall pass and she will be back I am certain. Routines are what keep some of us sane I believe. Getting ourside of ourselves is very healing as well such as volunteering in something we once enjoyed, helping a child read, being a substitute grandparent, meals on wheels, etc etc

Hey Dragonflower, I can use these ideas for my dad with dementia! Anything else you want to add to it? Thanks!

My 87 year old dad can't carry anything because he uses a walker, so most chores are out of the question. Can't sort out his meds because of inattention. But he can research stuff on the web, so we ask him to figure out things and he seems to like it. It wasn't working to treat him likes perpetual guest. Having some sort of regular contribution has to feel better for everyone, though like some above, it might mean MORE workin some areas.

Yeah, these folks all have their talents. My mom hung up my laundry today!!! she has promised for three days so I just left them there for her to do. It took her two times and I see she has hidden some in my clothes (not on hangers) but it's the thought that counts. I agree "having some sort of regular contribution has to feel better for everyone..."

I FOUND MY MOM LIKE TO FIDDLE WITH THINGS....SO IF YOU HAVE ANY FOLDING THAT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT? I WOULD DO IT TO KEEP HER BUSY AND ACTIVE.....SHARON

HELLO GROUP, Until my mom took her last breath she was fiddling. She had to keep her hands busy.....I bought her easy puzzles for two to three year olds, she did those, I had bought her a sippy cup cause she, like a child, loved to throw things on the floor, So not sure if any of this will help you? But they did me......And thought I would share what I knew and went thru, the cup was esp handy, that way she did not pour it on the carpet but not all over her either.........Sharon

Moom is 94 - her body does not manuacture hemoglobin as it ought to and she gets very weak, her ability to get around has been compromised for some time and uses a walker, her ostio makes it hard for her to stand for even a short time. She loved cooking, but can't anymore. She got dangerous if she tried to handle hot things. I try to think of little jobs that she can do sitting down like cleaning the green beans to let her feel as if she is contributing, a couple weeks ago we made apple pie, I peeled and cored, she sat and sliced and used her "head" recipe for the spices (she uses tapiocha as a thlickening agent, incidentally) and the pie was good. Maybe you could ask your MIL how she does a certian dish, even though you think yours is better, or to show you how, even if you do not need instruction. Maybe this would work her into sharing the cooking. But remember, there is only room for one cook in a kitchen, unless you and she are on such a strong wavelength that you do not get in each other's way. (Be careful what you wish for, you might get it...)

DT: great idea.
Traditionally my mom and Dad would put pieces of candy in paper Halloween motif bags and give those out to trick or treaters. Last year Halloween was just weeks after my Dad's death and so my Mom did nothing.
This year we packaged up over 100 little bags for the trick or treaters. Also, traditionally for over 35 years, my children have come over prior to Halloween. When they were little they showed off their costumes to my Mom and Dad then as they got older (my kids ... not me ha ha) they would bring over their children in their costumes. Yesterday evening one of my daughters brought over her children.
LIttle things like making bags for trick or treaters or seeing children and grandchildren is what makes life worth living.
We did have dinner last night which I did it all but Mom says she will unload the dishwasher. We will see, last time she said they, the dishes stayed in there for two weeks (at least they were clean) and I would take out what I needed to use.
It doesn't matter if it was only putting napkins on the table last night or putting the stickers on the Halloween candy bags, I think it is the feeling of being a part of what the family/community is doing.
Peg

I don't recall the OP mentioning that his MIL had either alzheimers or dementia. Depression can be disabling, but feeling useful and needed can be a medicine for that. My MIL doesn't live with us, but when she visits she very much enjoys doing little things around our home, (when I was a young girl I didn't understand that). We share in cooking and cleaning, and if I do laundry she always helps me fold. One summer when I took a job away from home she stayed with the family for a few weeks and it was her joy to take care of them. She is around the same age, 88. Do I expect her to do things the same way I do? Of course not, we have different styles. Does it matter? No, I just enjoy the help.

My mother's greatest fear is to be a bother and unneeded. If your mother in law is capable of any chores, ask her for help. Let her know that she may have a better way of doing things, and you want her advice.I am a teacher and my mother has helped me grade addition and subtraction papers, put stickers on papers, and she likes to have a cup of tea waiting for me to take with me to school. She can fold clothes and is a wonderful source of budgeting after having grown up during the Depression and several recessions. I have found that we have fun together and then she needs her quiet time. Most of our elders have grown up with a very strong work ethic and need at least one job to belong. Sorting photographs is a wonderful chore and I learn so much when my mother does so. I hope your mother-in-law can find her place, and you can feel more comfortable. Best wishes - Rebecca

RLP you are right on. Excellent post.

I agree RLP what a wonderful attitude about your Mom. She is obviously an important part of your life. How wonderful for her to be treated kindly and with such respect and dignity!!! In my mind all of our elders have SO much to teach us if we are willing to let them.

What RLP said is exactly it! the wonderful seniors who went through the end of the depression and WWII have this amazing work ethic and a real need to keep working. When I was a young girl early in my marriage I did not understand this. When my mother-in-law visited our home, I wanted her to be a guest, relax, and let me take care of things. It just did not sit well with her. I learned to let go of little chores after a few visits and let her help me around the home, let her cook in my kitchen, and I found that she was much happier. She is 87 or 88 and still going pretty strong, living in her own home across the country from me. My mother was much the same for many years even though she is fifteen years younger. It's only in the last couple years that things have gone really down hill with my mother because of over medication by her doctors.

I can't really speak on behalf of you MIL, all I know is that my husband's 96 year old grandmother still gets up at four am to take the tracks three days a week to work until four in the afternoon when we go pick her up from the station. She also does as much around the house as possible even though she can't get around without her walker and needs help dressing herself and taking her medication. Sometimes it is worrisome because she can't get around without her walker and she refuses to get a motorized chair(she says she'll get a chair when her legs don't work anymore) and she gets so exhausted; but she won't hear of giving up her work that she loves; she says that staying busy is what keeps her going. Her goal is to reach 100 years old and if she reaches that she says she'll set a new goal. She is the whole families inspiration. In our household we can honestly say we have four generations living under one roof.

Yes. DEFINATELY!! Whatever she is able to do. With the muscles, if you don't use them, you'll lose them. So basically keep her as active as possible, but don't let her over do it. I have found even with Alzheimers patients, they love to stay busy. Whether it is productive or not doesnt make a difference. Whatever makes them happy.

I agree with nursediana, My father-in-law does so much better if he's active. It drives his wife crazy because he doesn't do certain things just right, like pouring milk onto his nachos, or using a fork to eat pizza, or washing the wall instead of the window, or using the shovel as a rake. I told her those little things didn't matter. As long as he was busy he was happy. We told her that she needed to just let those little things go because he didn't understand that he was doing it wrong. Some things I didn't understand, like the pizza thing, I eat my pizza with a fork sometimes. The confrontation, no matter how small, would just make him agitated. Once in a while we have to remind her, but she doesn't tell him he's doing things wrong near as much as when we first got here. Even though he makes a mess sometimes, he's happy. And that's what counts.

@Angelhair: you could not have posted this at any better time for me than right now. I find myself frustrated when my Mom doesn't do things perfectly (as she was with me when I was a kid) but you are right ~ as long as they are busy and happy ... that really IS all that counts. Thanks for the reminder!!! Peg

Glad I could be of help. Remember that you love them and take time for yourself or you might lose yourself.

I agree with taking time for myself. I am just completing a semester as a full time student, changing that status to part time to be home more, but won't give up myself or my life goals for caregiving. I think there are others much more qualified for that field than I am (understatement). Thanks for the encouraging words.

I really think we ALL need a purpose... I would encourage you to give her tasks she can accomplish easily and well. This will help her feel she is contributing. My Mom is VERY frail but she prays for all the grandchildren. This is a very real blessing to all of us!!!
i

Well dear, there should not be a force on your parent to do chores;however, if she feels as though she wants to help around the house ,then let her do it .My mother was 86 , and on last April :before she pass,,she would get the broom or mop just because she wanted to help I felt so proud of her ;cause you have some parents have lost it totally and don't remmber what a kitchen is for..Those moments when she wanted to help and not been force upond her will be good memories for you when she"s gone .Please let her have her away and don't put no more on her than she can't bare..IT IS SO CUTE WHEN YOUR SENIOR PARENTS CAN INTERACT IN FAMILY SETTING!!! And don't forget the design aprins...joselyn...