Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

I would never expect an 87 year old to do chores, unless they wanted to and could. My dad is 87, and I have a housekeeper in for him, as he could never do that kind of cleaning, he does do his own laundry and clean up after himself, but even when he lived with us, I didnt expect him to do chores...Its our time to take care of them and make sure they are happy their last years of life. And also it all depends on the person. 87 may not be old to some, and 75 may be very old for some. Its a person to person basis and their capabilities, very good answers above...

If she can do little things around the house, Why not! You know about her condition and if it is good then there is no reason she can't help. Most of us would go out of out mind if we didn't or coudn't do something. My sister will be 86 in November. She gave me a lot of help with my husband, She could do anything I could do, and she lives a mile away. She has a three wheel bike with a basket on the back for her dog. That is how she got here.

I really feel sorry for her. None of us or I should say most of us don't know what it is like to have to give up your house that you have lived in for years. It is a big transition for anyone young or old. Help her to feel it is her home too which I am sure you are trying. Good luck!

No!

If your mother takes pride in having an activity or responsability around the home, offer her the opportunity to assume such a simple task as folding the towels or if she is able, dusting the furniture or sorting out the junk mail.

My mother is ver disabled and arthritis in her hands makes most tasks difficult, however she feels partipatory and helpful when she assumes even a small task.

The key is not to EXPECT her to share in the chores but offer her a choice that will encourage her movement and sense of participation, in the household.

My 76 yr old mother had a rotator cuff repair in Aug of last year then diagnosed with Congestive heart failure (CHF). She is also diabetic and had both knees replaced. My father who is 83 was no longer able to care for her and himself so we moved them in my husband and I. A month later he fell and broke his hip. My mother health has improved greatly under my care-diabetes is under control/CHF is stablized (she no longers uses a walker) and she has lost 30 lbs (she was severely overweight). We have found she does well with small chores around the house. She has always taken care of their bedroom with making the bed daily and changing their sheets. Actually their bedroom is set up with their furniture almost like it was in their home so it familiar to them. She folds all our laundry-this helps with exercising her fingers and shoulder-granted they may not be folded how I like but they are getting folded. She helps in loading and unloading the dishwasher. My husband gives her the dust mop for her to get dust bunnies in the corner. This makes her feel useful. My dad tries to help but is still recovering from hip replacment. He feels bad that he cannot help like he thinks he should. But any small projects makes him still feel useful. It was a transition as we moved them over 500 miles away to another state. This was the 3rd time in their life they had ever moved-they just celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary. For me any help they do around the house is grateful as I work 4 days a week 10 hours a day from home doing customer service for an insurance company, plus maintaining our home and all of the cooking. Personally I think if anything happened to my mother and she passes-my father would give up and would not last long after. Let her do what she is comfortable in doing and enjoy the time you have left.

I have 3 kids that do chores and I have a calender with a chore list. I have my grandmas name on the list doing dishes once a week and folding laundry a couple times a week. Try making out a "light" chore list for her and start by taking her to the list and saying "OK, this is your chore for the day- lets get started" Help her start it and they feel like your doing it together rather than it being a chore. My grandma wont do anything unless she feels like she is supposed to. They forget how to do things, as simple as dialing a phone number. So, they need help to remember how, when and what to do. Good luck!!

Absolutely!!!!! It's so important to always feel useful and needed. We all need that, and if she is able to do small chores good for her! Elderly people who still have fairly good minds take great pride in still being able to " work". It is the best thing for their minds, and bodies. My 82yr old dad has great trouble walking but he insists on still doing certain things. I used to worry all the time, and tried to coddle him fearing he'd hurt himself. It was the worst thing I could've done. I was making him feel like a useless invalid when in fact he's not. I learned to understand that he is going to die soon one way or another. I'd rather see him go from lifting a bag of trash, than lying in a bed feeling depressed and " unneeded". Let her go, and compliment her work. In fact, I have learned to ask my dad for small tasks, and he loves it! Remember, even though they are frail they still need their dignity. Hope this helped. I know it's given me great relief, and has lessened tensions between he and I. Best of luck. Love

It really all depends on her mental and physical status. My Mom has dementia and she forgets everything. I do have her fold hand towels since she is in the habit of folding tissues constantly anyway. It makes her feel good inside that she is doing something and that she is needed I joke around with her and even though she has dementia she goes in and out. I ask her so do you want to help me clean or dust etc and she'll say that's what your hear for. Good Luck to you and be patient.

I believe most elderly people take great pleasure and pride in feeling their personal contributions are needed, and appreciated. Especially as their bodies really start to fail, and they feel like their losing control it is particularly important to help sustain the feeling of their value in life. Whether they fold tissues, or fold towels is not really important. Their emotional peace, sense of purpose and happiness is what counts. My dad luckily at the age of 82 does not suffer from dementia. His daily contribution (amongst many other small things even on days when he's really sick), is to make the coffee in the morning. At night he carefully washes all parts of the coffee pot, and lets them dry overnight. He then puts both our cups neatly side by side upside down on a clean kitchen towel, and lovingly places a spoon over both cups just like a hotel would. Coffee makes him absolutely nauseous now yet he still performs this beautiful tradition every single morning. I know he's really doing it only for me, but I also know how much pleasure he gets watching me enjoy his amazing coffee. For some reason his coffee is the best I've ever had, and I compliment him on it every time I drink it. However, if all he did was fold tissues thinking he was helping me I would give him the exact same praise. He IS helping me greatly by doing small things because it eases a lot of his depression and helps him believe he's more well than he is. Doing these tasks is his way of loving me, and I just let him do what he wants even when I know it's a bit dangerous. I just make sure I'm there in case things go wrong. They do not want to feel patronized, or treated like invalids by their children. It is demeaning, and just not the natural way of things. Of course if they have serious dementia, and not at all in touch with reality it's a whole different story. Still, I believe they are all to be highly honored and respected for their life experience. They are the the elders that gave us life, and have protected us our whole lives. In other countries the elderly are the most highly regarded citizens in society, and are treated with the highest respect even if they suffer, even those who from dementia. Japan is one of those countries. I believe strongly in helping my dad preserve his dignity, integrity and years of life experience without letting him see my concern and fears. I am still his "little girl", and he will always view me that way. Please know this is just my take on this matter, and do not anyone to feel like I'm pushing anyone take the same viewpoint. We are all different, and are all doing what we feel is the best for our parents. In the end it always comes down to nothing but love. LOVE TO ALL

When one has a fairly functioning mind, and the ability to do a task it is fulfilling to them. That is pretty much a no brainier. Why does society feel this need to coddle them like babies??? I would loathe being treated like a baby who needed a "binky" shoved in its mouth so everyone else could feel more comfortable. It's about them . . . Not us.

If she's able to do something - let her. As long as she doesn't hurt hurt herself. My poor sweet mother who is only 75 with advanced PD can't do much of anything anymore and it bothers here. She can't walk without assistance so she can't stand to do anything. Her fingers have lost dexerity and she drops things easily. Therefore, she does no chores. What PD has done to her body and will only continue to do to her is her chore :(

I'm with you on this one newtonjoyce! I think that a perfect and easy thing the can do is use a washer dryer combo like this and you don't even need to supervise anything. It's simple to use and it's a great thing that your parent would do as these combo units require a bit of change in your habit - like it's better to wash smaller loads but more often. That means a regular activity for your parent.

I try to remind myself to put myself in my parents place. I am use to doing household chores, doing the grcery shopping and taking care of my family. Those things are gone for your mother in law, everything she was use to left with her husband passing. As far as chores, that would depend on her physical ability to help. My mother had a stroke 8 years ago, she now lives in the nursing home with my dad. She lived with me and my family for about 4 months, she had lost the ability to go to the restroom on her on, couldn't walk, go to bed when she was ready to go, she couldn't work in her flower beds any more she couldn't do anything she was use to do. While living with us she helped me fold clothes, weren't exactly like I wanted them folded but they were folded, she could stand for a short time as long as her wheel chair was right behind her so she would wash dishes, yes it took a little longer she would need to sit down and then get up and continue. I could have done everything faster but that would keep her from having some dignity and self respect. When she was able to go home and live at her home and my father took careof her he kept up letting her help. It was a big change for her, she use to take care of us. Remember how you would feel, put yourself in her position. Now my mother dosen't mind sitting back and letting others take care of her. Let your mother in law do things that she can safely do and that she wants to do. I agree with getting her a physical, she is probably still grieving, a friend of mine lost her husband 2 years ago this June and the grief is still bad. I hope this helps.

We got my mom a light vacuum. She loves to vacuum! She gets exercise with this too. She also loves to spray weed killer on each weed she sees. Not too "green" but she loves it! Love to all of you a.c. Tonio

Spraying full strength vinager on weeds will kill them also.

my mil is 79 and when she first moved in she would vacumn the livingroom, wash a few dishes, and I always thanked her and tell her how much I appreciated what she did, but now she sits in the living room and questions my husband about his sleep habits, his medicine, our teenage daughter, just picking questions, and if I walk in the room and try to talk she'll barely answer me,and then start talking as soon as I leave the room. We have been married 36yrs and we really want this to work,but she act like we owe her to pamper her, and she doesn't have to do anything. she even told my husband, that he was oldest son, he owes her to take care of her!!Advice on how to tolerate, and what to expect,we're both disabled
and we're home all the time, or questioned where were going, when will we be back.

Is there an adult day care for her to go to-could you do something to her room it encourage her to be there more often like her own TV. Since she is his mother he probably needs to tell her you two need your space and encourage her to get a hobby-maybe not answering every question she asks might give her a hint to leave you both alone or you may have to tell her outright you two need your privacy-or bring up to your husband other options of where she can live besides your home.

Hmmmmm....... adult daycare!!!!! I wonder if there's one I could go to?

No, what you should do is sit down with her and ask her what she would like to do let her know that shes welcome and then she will fill comfortable,and you might get more out of her then you expect.

is there something she enjoys doing? maybe there is not much she can do, go with her strengths!

If she has difficulty with household chores, could she cut and glue magazine pictures on paper to make little booklets for children to use in Pre-Kindergarten or Kindergarten? Even if she cannot cut, someone could do that for her, she could sort them, and then glue using a glue stick or a glue pot with a brush. The booklets could be sorted by colors, animals, shapes, or other categories. You can use spiral notebooks of all sizes or just plain paper. Teachers or children can add the words.These types of books are great for people trying to teach children English.
Another activity could be as simple as sorting the usual plethora of plastic containers we all seem to have with their lids. Best wishes!

RLP, great suggestion!

Hi! I am new to this site. I have read many of the responses to the question-but not every one-so I hope I am not repeating something someone already said. I made the mistake when my mom moved in of telling her she is "retired" and I took over everything! She seemed quite content. She raised 7 kids and I felt it was time for me to give back. Well, when she was diagnosed with COPD and the nurses kept telling her she HAD to keep moving and walk-she was so used to me doing everything-including bringing her her coffee-or heating it back up-that she didn't want to do anything! One of the nurses looked at me and told me I was "killing her with kindness". WOW-how's that for a punch in the gut?! So, if I could start over, I would have let her and encouraged her to do more-including getting off her butt and getting her own coffee! But I agree that each persons health and limitations MUST be taken into consideration as so many have said here! I wish I had gotten on a site like this when I stated caring for her 8 years ago!

Welcome to the site! I am sorry the nurse spoke to you that way. You don't deserve it, and many of us have tried to do as much for our parents as they will allow. COPD is something that does require some movement but also requires rest. A good respiratory therapist will help you if you can find one or go to the online COPD sites for information on how to get your mother moving. I have COPD although I am 56 and have never smoked. Some days I feel like moving and I try to do as much as I can. On my worst days, I do chair exercising. Directions for this are online, too. You sound like a very loving and caring daughter, and I am sure your mom has truly felt like you appreciate all she did when you were younger. Perhaps that is more important than how much you have her moving. Take care and please stay in touch.

Please do NOT let the Doctor put her on anti-depressants. They tried this with my Mother and also put her on some psych medications which were extremely harmful. I have since then removed her form the meds and she is much better. All elderly go through the grieving process. Just keep her involved and socializing with you and your wife and eventually it will go away. Make her feel like she belongs. You could occasionally have her fold up sheets, or something. I would not expect her to do very much. Just keep her involved and visiting relatives! Good luck! I have taken care of my Mother for almost 6 years with minimal use of medication. Take her on walks and give her a good diet! ANTIDEPRESSANTS ARE not to be used frivously with the elderly/children! VERY DANGEROUS!

You can not expect anything out of an 87 year old. SHE’S 87! If you actually are looking for help, forget that. If you want her to help with chores for her benefit, that’s different and you will need to assist. She can probably do laundry etc. Her help though may be more work for you, but what needs to be done needs to be done. It will be healthy for her of course, contributing will help her spirits and exercise will keep her in physically better shape.

I gave my great-aunt two choices. We didn't talk about chores;we talked about helping others which is a family creed. There isn't an easy answer. It depends on the situation.

If you are just wanting her to help well, she is a bit in her age and especially if she has an illness it can be hard. On the other hand, if she is wanting to help around see what she is able to do.
For instance,
I use to let my mnl to wash the dishes for "she wanted to help around the house sometimes." However, her eye-sight not quite up to par. With that said, I will wash the dishes and when she ask to wash them, I just ask her if she like to rinse them and 'WE' can get them done faster-together.
or
You can let her fold clothes or towels or just give her a dust rag and let her go dusting away. It may not be perfect but it will give her some feeling of dignity and independence and contributing the the family. Hope this help.

Nelkstar, welcome to the board for it is a great place to get helpful insights. My mnl is 80 with Alzheimer's (AD). Her eyesight is not all it use to be so instead of letting her wash the dishes, I stand next to her while I was them and she rinses the dishes and that way she has some feeling of being independent and self-worthy for herself and the family. She sometimes will use a Bissell instead of the vaccume cleaner to do her carpet in her room. Hope this help some.