Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

I try and let my mom help. She's 88 with beginning of dementia. She cleans the dishes and I load the dishwasher. She will help empty sometimes, but she usually doesn't wash her hands with soap after blowing her nose or using the bathroom. So I try and do them while she's doingsomething else. She even started licking her plate. I never seen her do that before. And the same old stories. It never changes except some are not true. Or she says I've seen that TV show before and it's never been on. Or that man was mowing his grass before and we've never been down that street. It's fun sometimes, but I get burnt out. Good luck.

YES! I think it is essential.

We lost my mother a year ago and I am living with my dad. He was his old self, tho sad and quieter, until he took a fall and had to recover which he did amazingly well, but... he had become used to sitting in front of the tube and humbly giving me orders... Day by day he got more and more lethargic, no amount of sneaky pleading, no amount of outright begging, no amount of trickery got him off that chair. Until one day when I had to go see a client and was out of the house when the cat (beloved by all, most passionately by Pappa Joe) got herself stuck in the crawlspace between the eves on the porch. He rescued her, called me, then the vet, and took care of her until I got there, and we took her to get stitches in her paw. Now he is in charge of the cats care. The change in him was instant and impressive.

Give your MIL an easy important job and she will be happier, you will be happier and something little will get done and not my you! Grinning and sending you love and strength, Li

Start with the truth that no one wants to be (or feel) irrelevant. Then, find something useful that will be truly appreciated by you and your wife. If your mother-in-law is physically able and not too impaired by dementia, it ought to be a long list.

My Mom does the dishes (always has!) and I cook... This has always worked well for us, because we both prefer our "chore" to the other... Mom is now legally blind - macular degeneration - and sometimes the counters, faucets, etc., aren't wiped as clean when she's done (the dishes are fine because of the dishwasher!), but I think she does just fine! It gives her some way to contribute, and is something I genuinely appreciate. She is always saying she wishes she could help me more, & doesn't really understand this really is a help. I also tell her that just her company is a contribution (she also helps financially). The one thing that does make me crazy, tho, that she just doesn't "get" is to help when I'm trying to plan/decide WHAT to cook... If I ask what she feels like or wants to eat, she usually responds that it's MY job, & I should decide/plan ahead. However, if I make suggestions, she is often negative, or makes facial expressions of rejection. ARGHGHG! I'm a good cook, and when I finally do "decide" and cook something, nowadays I frequently (almost all the time?) get "is there some strange spice in this? Isn't this pretty salty? I'm not crazy about this - only telling you because I don't want you to cook this all the time... What's wrong with "regular" food (whatever that is!)?" We used to joke & say "him what complains does the cookin'!" but I can't use that anymore...

My mother is 89 years old with mod dementia per neurologists via the mini mental tests. She leaves her used dishes on the table during the weekend when the HHA is not around. I let her know that I'm not the maid or the HHA and I refuse to wash her dishes or remove them from the table. It's a strain for me to have to tell her this, but she is able to take them off the table and she does actually wash them. I read that it's great to praise them for doing this even though sometimes I have to re wash the dishes when she's asleep. She makes her own bed sometimes, but I definitely don't expect her to do the wash, vacumm, or clean her bathroom. I end up doing it. No washing floors either. She's fragile and unfortunately getting older. But I do encourage her to do things herself, like brush her teeth, curl her hair, and little things like that. I also, make her hang her clothes up in the closet. She is so forgetful sometimes, oh I mean most of the time. Hope this helps. I still have compassion for her and love her when she's not visous and mean.

It is important that your mil become part of your family. Even if she has memory problems or mobility issues, she may want to help fold clothes. My mil when she was at home was with us. It was important to keep her involved in the family and help keep her brain active. She died the day after Thanksgiving last year, she couldn't move but she would ask me if she could help me cook dinner and even though she couldn't get out of bed, she asked me if she could help do dishes. I think this really helped her fend off depression, because she knew I valued her help. I would tell her how much I appreciated her all the time. It helped both of us.

No...for now.

When there that age they will do what ever they want when they want.Let her know if she would like to help out she can but don't push it.There comes time when you need to start to take care of her and don't worry about your needs.She needs to be with people that care and love her not boss her around like she don;t belong.

It has to be hard on her to lose her husband n now her own place. Some emotional support and tender love will help her too. Try to see what she can do like rinsing the dishes or use a light sweeper to dusting. I know with my mnl if I don't find something she can do she will just sat all day in the chair n just wither away. Not having that if I can help it, for as long as she is able to get around we will continue to live. She may need to do things to feel that she is needed n can do stuff to feel independent. All u can do is try to help her n hopefully she has not giving up. She may need, "A purpose in life." Get her motivated if find out what she likes to do or what she use to like to do as for activities too. I hope this help.

I am so sorry that I get abrupt with my mother. But she only showers once a week. Now it has been 10 days. She did wash her hair but now it's starting too look so greasy. I hate to take her anywhere because she looks and dresses like a bag lady. Some of her clothes are 20 to 25 yrs old. If I didn't taked her clothes to wash they never would get washed. She wants to do things herself, but she can't because of degenerated discs in her back. She is in a lot of pain most of the time. I know that is why she doesn't like to shower. I just don't know how to help her sometimes. I told her I won't take her to church if she doesn't shower. Is that so mean? Everyone looks so nice and her she is. Thanks, venting again.

Spiralli ! What a wonderful story. Now he's in charge of cats.

If you have to put a chair inside the tub for her and make her feel safer.She might not be able to stand for that long of time before it hurts.I know for bad discs I take two Aleve everyday and it helps me.

Thank you, littlehelp. She does have a chair in the shower, but won't sit on it except when she washes her feet. She will only take Tylenol. If Aleve was white instead of blue I might be able to put them in her Tylenol bottle. She wouldn't know the difference.

Most days lately I'm sad, but your question actually makes me grin a little. I'm new at this, just 6 short weeks but I'm trying to catch on. Someone suggested having my mother do some housework so she could busy herself. I thought, what a great idea, she was a great housekeeper. So when she was pacing the other day I asked her if she would like do some dusting while I cleaned house. She was excited to help! I said dust whatever you like. She came to me proud of her job. She had scoured my beautiful kichen cabnets with comet! She said "Look, it's so clean it's even a lighter color!" She was proud. I'm still trying to get the comet off of the cabnets and they are scratched all to hell. But, she was happy for a few hours, proud of herself and we had a good evening.

Give them something that they can handle, that way they feel like they are contributing to their part of the family as a whole n they will feel self-worthy n some independence that they can help as well. I believe they need a purpose in life just like us. From folding towels, clothing or setting the table or drying dishes to watering the plants on the porch. hope this helps.

question, i live in with my lady and care for her. i just like to know what is the pay for caregivers to do 120hrs a wk, cook 3 meals a day. wash all her clothes and keep her room clean and the bathroom.i live downstairs with her and the daughter is upstairs living its a apartment.i dont work for a company i go through a agent he finds the job and subs it to us.i take her out alot to places dr, lunch with the daughter. i do all the transporting at all times. im around the clock mon 11am till sat11am i have a lady come in for 48hrs so i get a break. im in rochester ny....

if she won't she won't.
so to accept that as it will be easier for you.if she maintains her own laundry or bed..that is helpful to herself. ...If she is in the room while you are doing dishes or laundry see if she could help fold .. Usually in a setting..she may not want to..right away ..but maybe her taking care of her own clothes and bed is at least something.

No you don't expect her to help around the house at her age...If she presents a need to want to make up a bed or clean off a table? let her..otherwise it's you thats young (healthy) so everything is your responsability! (she had her years of work...respect that)

Nelkster-your MIL is 87 years old and you don't seem to know her at all. How long have you known her? Did she live far away from you and her son? What are her likes and dis-likes? What is her health? Favorite foods? Hobbies? Sounds like you don't know one another at all-that is where you start. Get to know her. Make her feel welcome. This is her home now also and let her feel welcome. Mi Casa es Su Casa! Maybe she feels more like a boarder. Most people her age like to crochet, ask her to teach you. In other words be a friend, win her trust and she may teach you a thing or two I knew my mother in law quite well and we got along great. She gave my oldest daughter piano lessons, taught here Caligroaphy and the lost form of manners. Sorry about my spelling. She read to my youngest but this would not have happened if I didn't genuinely want to know this wonderful lady.
So that is where I would start and put the chores off for a while-she'll find where you've been missing the dust in due time-she probably already has but is being too polite to say. One of the easiest ways to make her feel welcome is to simply ask her how you can be more like her..

Yes...I believe you should let your mom help with chores around the house. I believe it helps with mobility and stimulates the mind. After my dad tairrable experiece in the hospital and ending up on a ventalator after receive the wrong medication. When he was discharged from the hospital he could not talk. We kept the television on in his room on the Christian channel and I would still talk to my dad and on the 24th day of June, my dad started talking again. Prasie God!
So I believe that if you mom or dad is used to doing things around the house, let them help. As long as it is not something that will endanger their life.

bekwalk, that story was HYSTERICAL!!!!!!! Obviously, all our stories are very sad at the root, but somettimes we have to laugh at the ludicrousness of our these surreal lives we're all living! The laughs are few and far between, and the tears far outweigh the laughs. I am sorry though about your cabinets, but I'm sure their worth is nothing campared to your mom. BLESSINGS

HI I have answered this before..and still the answer is the same..as in all the ideas..why is this Post from 2011?
have you been able to remedy and have help ?as at her age..she is limited to things..

My mother likes to help also. She helps me fold the towels and clean the dishes to put in the dishwasher which I do. She stirs the food on the stove. Her stories are always the same but different. She mixes her stories up with other events and I so want to tell her she's wrong and it went like this. But I've learned to shutup. She walks so slow that when she is in the kitchen I don't know she standing close and many times I have almost knocked her down. And she's so quiet when she walks. My kitchen is small, so when the 3 of us are in their its impossible to do anything because she's so slow. We usually get our food then I'll call her in. If I called her in first our food would be cold. We dish off the stove. Less dishes. Good luck to all. It's a challenge.

when we help orther,we are helping areself also,if it be with words or action.of corse true help comes from the heart,.if the heart not in it then its not help.so give her a little encourgement to help,and see what happens.god bless.

Let her help you as much as she can. Their will be times when, she will not be able too help at all! She is really into helping with chores thank god she is able any willing..

suziQ maybe put little bells on her slippers or a little jingle bracelet. I like all your answers. We want to help and not just sit and wait or watch. I like to be talked to and talk in my own way and treated like anyone else.

My father-in-law doesn't live with us. He still lives in the home, that he and my mother-in-law had. He is 87. He spent so many years keeping care of her, that he is enjoying his new found freedom. We don't ask him to housework when he is here, but if he wants to help out with the cooking, etc., we certainly let him pitch in and do some small side job while we are all in the kitchen. He seems to enjoy being included, and not just being a fixture on the sofa. He still does his own laundry and cooking at home. He also adopted a greyhound to keep him company. As skeptical as we were in the beginning, this was a fantastic idea.

I like to be included in helping and talked to not about and I don't like baby talk or people talking to me loud-I can hear just fine. When we go visit the nursing home I see people sitting by the door waiting for their family and usually nobody comes so I am trying to find ways to cheer them up but what can I do? . I am happy you are so nice to your father in law. He was good to take care of your mother in law so well. I want a dog too but my daughter says no . Dogs seem to know you and don't care if you are old or can't move fast. they like love and give love back except for the ones that bight. Dogs seem to treet me like I am a person. thats all.

Yes, I think it would help her to feel useful. i don't know what her activity level is, but working within those parameters, I would think there could be jobs she could do. Folding towels, or washing the table/counters?

I agree with all of the previous entries. Considering her mental and physical health first, her stability and ability to complete the task at hand, I think it is important for elderly in general to continue to do their normal chores/task with the appropriate assessment of their capabilities and safety. My mother is 87 and although in the mid stages of alzheimers will still ask to do the dishes, fold clothes, etc. This gives her a sense of normalcy and that she has some control over her choices and abilities. I find that making the assumption that everything that needs to be done for her needs to be done by the caregiver, without any consideration for her need at that moment, diminishes her capacity to do for herself, but also makes her feel more hopeless and helpless. It also impacts the physical ability to perform tasks, whether it be minor house chores or personal care, the less she does, the less she is going to be able to do.. I have no expectations for what my mother should do, but I do encourage her to do what she feels she can do in the moment and observe and step in when needed.