Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

We got my mom a light vacuum. She loves to vacuum! She gets exercise with this too. She also loves to spray weed killer on each weed she sees. Not too "green" but she loves it! Love to all of you a.c. Tonio

I try to remind myself to put myself in my parents place. I am use to doing household chores, doing the grcery shopping and taking care of my family. Those things are gone for your mother in law, everything she was use to left with her husband passing. As far as chores, that would depend on her physical ability to help. My mother had a stroke 8 years ago, she now lives in the nursing home with my dad. She lived with me and my family for about 4 months, she had lost the ability to go to the restroom on her on, couldn't walk, go to bed when she was ready to go, she couldn't work in her flower beds any more she couldn't do anything she was use to do. While living with us she helped me fold clothes, weren't exactly like I wanted them folded but they were folded, she could stand for a short time as long as her wheel chair was right behind her so she would wash dishes, yes it took a little longer she would need to sit down and then get up and continue. I could have done everything faster but that would keep her from having some dignity and self respect. When she was able to go home and live at her home and my father took careof her he kept up letting her help. It was a big change for her, she use to take care of us. Remember how you would feel, put yourself in her position. Now my mother dosen't mind sitting back and letting others take care of her. Let your mother in law do things that she can safely do and that she wants to do. I agree with getting her a physical, she is probably still grieving, a friend of mine lost her husband 2 years ago this June and the grief is still bad. I hope this helps.

I'm with you on this one newtonjoyce! I think that a perfect and easy thing the can do is use a washer dryer combo like this and you don't even need to supervise anything. It's simple to use and it's a great thing that your parent would do as these combo units require a bit of change in your habit - like it's better to wash smaller loads but more often. That means a regular activity for your parent.

If she's able to do something - let her. As long as she doesn't hurt hurt herself. My poor sweet mother who is only 75 with advanced PD can't do much of anything anymore and it bothers here. She can't walk without assistance so she can't stand to do anything. Her fingers have lost dexerity and she drops things easily. Therefore, she does no chores. What PD has done to her body and will only continue to do to her is her chore :(

When one has a fairly functioning mind, and the ability to do a task it is fulfilling to them. That is pretty much a no brainier. Why does society feel this need to coddle them like babies??? I would loathe being treated like a baby who needed a "binky" shoved in its mouth so everyone else could feel more comfortable. It's about them . . . Not us.

I believe most elderly people take great pleasure and pride in feeling their personal contributions are needed, and appreciated. Especially as their bodies really start to fail, and they feel like their losing control it is particularly important to help sustain the feeling of their value in life. Whether they fold tissues, or fold towels is not really important. Their emotional peace, sense of purpose and happiness is what counts. My dad luckily at the age of 82 does not suffer from dementia. His daily contribution (amongst many other small things even on days when he's really sick), is to make the coffee in the morning. At night he carefully washes all parts of the coffee pot, and lets them dry overnight. He then puts both our cups neatly side by side upside down on a clean kitchen towel, and lovingly places a spoon over both cups just like a hotel would. Coffee makes him absolutely nauseous now yet he still performs this beautiful tradition every single morning. I know he's really doing it only for me, but I also know how much pleasure he gets watching me enjoy his amazing coffee. For some reason his coffee is the best I've ever had, and I compliment him on it every time I drink it. However, if all he did was fold tissues thinking he was helping me I would give him the exact same praise. He IS helping me greatly by doing small things because it eases a lot of his depression and helps him believe he's more well than he is. Doing these tasks is his way of loving me, and I just let him do what he wants even when I know it's a bit dangerous. I just make sure I'm there in case things go wrong. They do not want to feel patronized, or treated like invalids by their children. It is demeaning, and just not the natural way of things. Of course if they have serious dementia, and not at all in touch with reality it's a whole different story. Still, I believe they are all to be highly honored and respected for their life experience. They are the the elders that gave us life, and have protected us our whole lives. In other countries the elderly are the most highly regarded citizens in society, and are treated with the highest respect even if they suffer, even those who from dementia. Japan is one of those countries. I believe strongly in helping my dad preserve his dignity, integrity and years of life experience without letting him see my concern and fears. I am still his "little girl", and he will always view me that way. Please know this is just my take on this matter, and do not anyone to feel like I'm pushing anyone take the same viewpoint. We are all different, and are all doing what we feel is the best for our parents. In the end it always comes down to nothing but love. LOVE TO ALL

It really all depends on her mental and physical status. My Mom has dementia and she forgets everything. I do have her fold hand towels since she is in the habit of folding tissues constantly anyway. It makes her feel good inside that she is doing something and that she is needed I joke around with her and even though she has dementia she goes in and out. I ask her so do you want to help me clean or dust etc and she'll say that's what your hear for. Good Luck to you and be patient.

Absolutely!!!!! It's so important to always feel useful and needed. We all need that, and if she is able to do small chores good for her! Elderly people who still have fairly good minds take great pride in still being able to " work". It is the best thing for their minds, and bodies. My 82yr old dad has great trouble walking but he insists on still doing certain things. I used to worry all the time, and tried to coddle him fearing he'd hurt himself. It was the worst thing I could've done. I was making him feel like a useless invalid when in fact he's not. I learned to understand that he is going to die soon one way or another. I'd rather see him go from lifting a bag of trash, than lying in a bed feeling depressed and " unneeded". Let her go, and compliment her work. In fact, I have learned to ask my dad for small tasks, and he loves it! Remember, even though they are frail they still need their dignity. Hope this helped. I know it's given me great relief, and has lessened tensions between he and I. Best of luck. Love

I have 3 kids that do chores and I have a calender with a chore list. I have my grandmas name on the list doing dishes once a week and folding laundry a couple times a week. Try making out a "light" chore list for her and start by taking her to the list and saying "OK, this is your chore for the day- lets get started" Help her start it and they feel like your doing it together rather than it being a chore. My grandma wont do anything unless she feels like she is supposed to. They forget how to do things, as simple as dialing a phone number. So, they need help to remember how, when and what to do. Good luck!!

My 76 yr old mother had a rotator cuff repair in Aug of last year then diagnosed with Congestive heart failure (CHF). She is also diabetic and had both knees replaced. My father who is 83 was no longer able to care for her and himself so we moved them in my husband and I. A month later he fell and broke his hip. My mother health has improved greatly under my care-diabetes is under control/CHF is stablized (she no longers uses a walker) and she has lost 30 lbs (she was severely overweight). We have found she does well with small chores around the house. She has always taken care of their bedroom with making the bed daily and changing their sheets. Actually their bedroom is set up with their furniture almost like it was in their home so it familiar to them. She folds all our laundry-this helps with exercising her fingers and shoulder-granted they may not be folded how I like but they are getting folded. She helps in loading and unloading the dishwasher. My husband gives her the dust mop for her to get dust bunnies in the corner. This makes her feel useful. My dad tries to help but is still recovering from hip replacment. He feels bad that he cannot help like he thinks he should. But any small projects makes him still feel useful. It was a transition as we moved them over 500 miles away to another state. This was the 3rd time in their life they had ever moved-they just celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary. For me any help they do around the house is grateful as I work 4 days a week 10 hours a day from home doing customer service for an insurance company, plus maintaining our home and all of the cooking. Personally I think if anything happened to my mother and she passes-my father would give up and would not last long after. Let her do what she is comfortable in doing and enjoy the time you have left.

If your mother takes pride in having an activity or responsability around the home, offer her the opportunity to assume such a simple task as folding the towels or if she is able, dusting the furniture or sorting out the junk mail.

My mother is ver disabled and arthritis in her hands makes most tasks difficult, however she feels partipatory and helpful when she assumes even a small task.

The key is not to EXPECT her to share in the chores but offer her a choice that will encourage her movement and sense of participation, in the household.

No!

I really feel sorry for her. None of us or I should say most of us don't know what it is like to have to give up your house that you have lived in for years. It is a big transition for anyone young or old. Help her to feel it is her home too which I am sure you are trying. Good luck!

If she can do little things around the house, Why not! You know about her condition and if it is good then there is no reason she can't help. Most of us would go out of out mind if we didn't or coudn't do something. My sister will be 86 in November. She gave me a lot of help with my husband, She could do anything I could do, and she lives a mile away. She has a three wheel bike with a basket on the back for her dog. That is how she got here.

I would never expect an 87 year old to do chores, unless they wanted to and could. My dad is 87, and I have a housekeeper in for him, as he could never do that kind of cleaning, he does do his own laundry and clean up after himself, but even when he lived with us, I didnt expect him to do chores...Its our time to take care of them and make sure they are happy their last years of life. And also it all depends on the person. 87 may not be old to some, and 75 may be very old for some. Its a person to person basis and their capabilities, very good answers above...

Too much missing information. Does she seem to want to pitch in to feel useful, or is she content to rest on the laurels of a lifetime of responsibility? Does your wife want the help, or would MIL just be in the way? Is she cognitively able to follow through with any task? Physically able? It's often said that it's difficult having a mother and grown daughter in the same house. Each has her own way of doing things, and some personalities aren't good at giving up control. I believe that communication is key to getting this--or any situation--resolved. The three of you should sit down and discuss the matter so that everyone's feelings are considered.

I agree with the advice above. Sometimes doing something is a reminder of what we have lost and it takes time or a new tactic to want to do it again. Helping out with supervised or small safe tasks is an excellent way to keep the mind and motor skills working. Its always tempting to say just sit Ill do everything, but then not only do they get used to it and stop taking the initiative but they may feel you dont think they are able or that they doit wrong. I let mom help with whatever I deem safe and some days she buzzez around clearing the dished (one at a time mom !) and sometimes she can mop with the swiffer. I always thank her for helping out and even if she doesnt wash the dishes well I just pop them in the dishwasher after she goes to bed. Its important to feel needed and useful otherwise one loses a sense of purpose. Also I read that after a spouse has been taking care of their spouse who then passes, especially if that person was ill or disabled and required a lot of care, then the surviving spouse suddenly goes from a great responsibility to none and there is a big sense of loss there. So keepinf busy folding or dusting or any small thing lets them feel they are important and usefull as their world becomes smaller there is still some small thing they can control. Sometimes they need a little coaxing but if they are able it is important. If its only been a year she is still recovering from the loss and life change try buying her a plant, let her water it, find some small thing that can be special to her and she can feel an accomplishment with - sometimes a little white lie isnt such a bad thing meaning if you have to redo what they helped with just do it discreetly. Good luck

My father had a stroke about 5 years ago and the recent loss of my mother made me realize how much she had been helping him cope. He has had been in deep grief since losing my mom. He seemed uninterested in much that was going on around him. Recently, we got him involved in preparing dinner. The chores he does seem give him at least momentary distraction from his grief and reason to engage with other people. You should test the waters and see what your MIL has an interest in doing. Doing chores could help her and help you. Take care.

I agree with the earlier posts, but it caught my attention because, at 87--if she is still able to help with chores--more power to her! I hope I am in such good health if I should (God forbid!) live to be that age!!!

If she can help let her do some chores to keep her moving. Only those things she can do around the house. They feel good when they can help you out no matter if it big or small let them help if they can. Keep smiling to them and tell them they're doing a great job. They like that and may sure they get all the care they need, and remember to keep a legal services to protect your family issues as they arrive to make sure she received all her benefits as a senior so that she get all the care she can as you take care of her. Any questions about legal services email me maybe I can help you.

She has experienced major losses: husband, home, belongings. And now having to turn to a child to care for her can't be an easy adjustment. I don't doubt she is depressed. Depression leads to loss of energy and interest in everything around her. Productive activity can reverse depression, IF she is not made to feel she is expected to do tasks. Accomplishing activities that she and others value will contribute to her sense of self esteem. Don't treat her like a child; you will never be her parent. You won't get far if you have that attitude. Instead, respect her for who she is and was.
Consider this: In her 87 years she has learned a lot. She has a legacy, a gift to share with you and her grand children. Seek that out.
Nurture her human side; what matters to her, make her feel special.
Engage her as an active partner in her own care. Encourage her to make decisions; and participate in family activities. Don't jump in and try to do everything for her.
Elderhood, that comes after childhood and adulthood, is a valuable phase in human development. Celebrate her at this stage of her life.

And be easy on yourself. This is not an easy job you have taken on.

We allow my 87 -year-old MIL to help with the chores that she finds easy to do and which she enjoys doing. For instance, she helped with cleaning the kitchen. In the past, she always took great pride in keeping her kitchen cleaned and enjoyed doing the dishes and tidying up. She has been doing that for two years. We have noticed in the last few months that she is having a harder time doing that so we have taken over the cleaning the kitchen for the most part and let her participate in helping us do a group project, like taking down the Christmas tree.

She also keeps her room tidy, however, I wash her linen and change her bed for her.

I hope that helps.

Anything she is capable of would be great. We all need to feel productive. If things are too hard, either ask her to keep you company while you work. Or if you don't want that (we all need our own productibe time), tell her she deserves her own time to read, watch tv or whatever it is she likes to do. We all just keep trying to get through this situation.

I moved in with my 90 year old Mom 2 years ago and it's been "learn as we go". Over the past 6 months I see her starting to become weaker so I have taken on more of the household chores. My Mom is very neat so she still straightens up her room and does some light cleaning. I do the laundry but instead of folding her clothes, I take the clean clothes to her in the basket and let her fold her clothes. Mom feeds the dog in the afternoon. The dog gives her companionship when I am not here. I have a corgi who is a therapy dog and right now she's the best therapy my Mom could have. We share the cooking and I make sure the ingredients are in the house for her to make her favorite recipes. Shopping is becoming more difficult for her so I have been doing it and my Sister will take her to the store during the week when I am at work. It takes a long time for her to go shopping but it's great exercise for her. My Mom's balance is off so we have to be really careful that she doesn't fall. Walker you ask? forget it...I have a very subborn Mom who will go from walking to a wheelchair, nothing in the middle. What I've learned in the past 2 years of being an adult woman living with another adult woman is that if you take it one day at a time, it's easier. You'll figure it out. Life is in the little things, like taking my Mom's coffee cup out of the cupboard when I grab mine in the morning or asking her if she wants anything while I am in the kitchen making myself something. Our objective is to keep them safe and offer them companionship and the security of knowing they are not living alone. We're doing a great thing, wishing you joy and many special and happy "moments".

We had a similar experience in that my MIL came to us after living with my sister for several years. My sister died and she had no place to go so it was a natural for her to come with us. Fortunately she had great health and mental capabilities for 95. So she was with us for 3 years and we left her do what she felt like. To tell the truth in a couple of years she had us spoliled. She would do laundry, ironing, sweep the patio, help with lawn care and help with meals all part of feeling needed. When we protested she would say she had to earn her keep. That's fine but we didn't want her in servitude either. She truly became a valuabe family member in our regular lives. Fast forward to July 2011. She had a massive stroke. Since returning she walks with assistance, were working on steps and the tables have turned and we are now trying to bring her back. It's long and slow. Enjoy what ever you get from your relationship. Good Luck.

My mother knits caps for cancer patients and soldiers. They aren't perfect like her knitting used to be, but no one seems to care. I also look for yarn that is fluffy enough to hide any mistakes. Mom feels useful and keeps a record of how many caps she knits. There are wrist braces that are sold in craft stores to help with arthritis.

If they have ever knitted or crochet putting yarn and hooks or needles in their hands it might come back to them and that would give them pleasure-where I live we have a group of women that meet in our library to do crafts and we have a blast doing many different crafts.

Trying to give them something also helps them feel a little self-indepence and worthy toward others that is if they are asking for something do around the house. My mistake was allowing the mnl do the dishes for I found out her eye sight is not quite as good as it was once before being diagnose with AZ. I have a vaccum cleaner bissel that requires no plugs in as for her to accidently drive over. I just plug it up and charge it and hand it to her to do her room and she is content. Whether she gets all of the mess up that don't matter for its more important for her to feel self-worthy and needed. Eventhough she can be hard as crap to get along with sometimes. I also let her rearrange her clothes from the drawer to other places like her suitcase just to keep her busy beside watching tv all day. Like someone else stated, they r still human and they need to be felt needed and loved whether we get it in return.

I am 63 and probably stopped doing CHORES on my 60th birthday. I only do what I want, when I want--washing dishes, sweeping floors, vacumming, etc. is not fun--a necessity, but not fun or stimulating! Sometimes I look at my glass top tables and say "OMG that table needs Windex!" The next week, I look at the same
tables and say the same thing. I finally hired a housekeeper and thank goodness, she is wonderful. What do I do when I am not doing chores? Watch tv, read, play games on the computer, work on my "pet projects"....any excuse not to pick up that dust rag. This is probably one of the least helpful answers you will receive, but, hey--I had 48 years of CHORES--and if I never do another one, don't you think 48 is enough? I also went through a phase of eating popcorn instead of cooking because I did not want to cook and popcorn tastes good if one is hungry enough.

I know my MIL likes to set the dinner table. I put everything on the table for her and she puts them in place. Granted alot of times they arn't placed right but I just switch them when she isn''t looking. She really can't fold laundry if it's clothes because she gets frustrated,so I just give her the towels and wash clothes and she can usually do those.