Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Okay, okay, okay,.....can we all agree that this situation depends on the individual's ability and willingness to help. My mother helped as much as she could for as long as she could because SHE wanted to; my mother-in-law is a narcissist who thinks we all owe her something and should wait on her hand and foot. Although according to her son she was never a person that cLeaned house or had a care about anyone else she has no problem criticizing all of us. As long as she has what she wants nothing else matters. She would no longer lift a hand than the man in the moon. My mother wanted to and was able to help. My MIL is a selfish slob who expects everyone to do for her what she is not even willing to do for herself......can this thread simply die a civilized death?

CHORES may not be the correct word ( for those of you who think I'm a slave driver) she wants to do these things and I used to tell her NO. But she started crying one day, told me "I need to do something to stay active, I need to feel important". She gets her feelings hurt when I get to the dishes before her, but I lie and tell her my hands were cold and just needed to warm them up.
Having an inactive body and mind, as well as no self worth is the fastest way to the grave. Let them do what they want (or can) to stay as an active member of society. Even if that society is your home.

Doing laundry, folding clothes is good. So is sweeping or vacuuming, even if it's not done well. So is feeding the pets... it helps if things are on a schedule, so at 4 p.m., you feed the cats every day. And if she's up to it, get her out walking, which will help more than anything!

The thing that would make me feel most valued would be my family just spending time with me and allowing me to share in their lives. I am cultivating a liking for being pampered

No, she died of the same malady as their last slave...

Absolutely! The more they do, the better they feel about themselves. My 91 year old MIL still does the dishes in the morning, puts clothes in dryer and folds them and tends to wood stove. Now, I may have to go behind her and check..but it makes her feel like she's accomplished something important. Plus she's in a walker and starting dementia.

Is this poor old MIL still alive?

Don't expect anything and your life will be happier. I never know which personality will greet me in the morning. Take good care.

Expect?? I would say no...she is 87. Suggest? Yes, it is good for them to stay active. My body aches at 39...I can't imagine how I will feel at 87 :)

You shouldn't 'expect' it, but YES, if she shows any indication of wanting to help, let her do so. Her loss is great and she is at odds with her "new: life. But -- depending on her capabilities -- you and your wife will need to work with her so you are all comfortable with what she is doing (and so is she). This is an adjustment for you all and will require some laughs and smiles -- lots of laughs and smiles. Good luck!

I realize this post has probably taken on a life of its own and gone off on a tangent, but still, every time I see a notification on this very old thread, I imagine a woman (who'd now be approaching 90 years old) being badgered to empty the dishwasher
: )

When my grandmother moved in with my parents together they decided her daily job was to dust mop the floor and clear the table after meals (salt and pepper, placemats, etc.). She had arthritis prety bad, rheumatoid, and that was about all she could manage. She felt like she had value and worth. But as her health diminished, things changed.

My husband’s aunt, however, is 89 and lives in her own home and does all her own housework and shopping. She has been a widow for 2 years, but her daughter is very involved. Still, she does her laundry (in the basement), and takes care of everything around the house.

The age itself is not the deciding factor – it is abilities, health, attitude.

Hi! I guess it depends if your MIL is still capable enough to do chores. If she's weak and slow, allow her to do things that she can do. Make her feel that she's helpful but don't forget to look after her.

Any suggestions for someone who's 91, in a wheelchair, blind in 1 eye, and only partial sight in the other, practically deaf, dementia that seems to come and go, totally incontinent, and Parkinson's? I have no idea what to do to try and help her feel like she's contributing. I know she's bored and I've tried to talk to her about something she might enjoy doing...she reads the Headlines or enlarged captions of the paper and watches tv?? May tell you what a good game Tiger Woods had after sitting in front of a football game. She falls asleep during the day and then wants to get up before dawn...

just my humble opinion of course.

my this is sure the thread that wont die. if i were 87 yrs old and someone gave me chores to do id tell em fold your own damn rags, i wipe on the shower curtain, dont effect me either way. " chores " at 87 giving a damn is a chore.

If it is in her personality to be helpful she will probably want to help and you should let her. You will easily be able to assess her abilities and let her do the things she truly can do without you or your wife having to redo everything she does. My mother liked to fold clothes, cook when she was able, wash dishes on occasion when her strength was good,etc. she didn't want to be waited on or babied. My MIL on the other hand acted like a surly teenager if asked to do anything, purposely doing things wrongs or half-assed so as not to be asked to do anything. Even things she volunteered to do were done with so much groaning and sighing that I just told not worry about anything I would take care of whatever needed to be done.

There are many answers that say, basically, it depends, and I would say that it probably does.

My mother is about to move-in with me. She is still doing her own chores. I told her it is my opinion that she needs to have some chores and that we'll work out what they'll be. Initially, she was against it, thinking she might be asked to cook (which she hates) and I know part of her belligerence on the subject has to do with her fear that I'll pick things for her that she won't like.

When she's visited, she sets the table, strips her bed when I do the laundry and similar things and I think she'll continue to be willing to do these things. But I also know she feels like she's not needed by anyone, anymore, and I'm hoping a few routine chores will help her more than they help me.

Sometimes, when she's visiting, she'll sit around talking about how she's such a burden and how she makes more work for me. But I then point-out that she helped set the table, which is helpful, and that means that she really has chipped-in to help around the household -- so, I point out that I do do more dishes when she's here but she helps in other ways to even it out. And, when I do this, the light bulb goes on over her head and she admits that she didn't see it that way, but that if she does a little bit where she can that she's chipping-in, after all.

Once, again, might not be your situation, but just telling my own story in case it helps someone else think of ways to deal with the situation.

May be true for most people but my mother sat and read books all her life. She never did much more than make food and fold laundry. We kids did the rest. Until we all left, then no one did anything. She likes folding laundry and we were always expected to carry our own dishes to the sink where we scraped and stacked them and then went out to do barn chores. Saturday AM's after barn chores we spent our day washing a weeks worth of dirty dishes, scraping out pans that had been left with food in them, soaking and scrubbing them. We had to do them in 'batches' like laundry, which we also did. She folded.

It is her "time" to rest. Why should she be made to do chores????? After performing them yourself for almost 70 yrs, would you feel you need a break from this?
If she really wants to in order to be considered "vital" it is a good thing. If she is pretending out of some sort of guilt, then it is a bad thing. Has she asked you to allow her to perform any duties? If not, please let her get some rest and explain to her she needn't be concerned about not earning her way. Namaste

I only need to do laundry once a week though so it isn't enough. She is having trouble doing just about everything, from bringing her dishes to the sink to making her bed.

Yes, folding laundry is great, especially towels. My mom used to like to fold towels because there is nothing complicated about doing that. When the big ones got to be a little difficult, we gave her the smaller ones to do instead. She felt like she was contributing plus it was some form of activity for her since she had so much nervous energy at the time.

My Mom is nearing 90 and she still wants to go for a walk. I take her once or twice a week around the cul de sac in front of my house. She is more alert and chatty after she walks. I walk very slowly for her and have been encouraging the use of a cane for stability. She also folds her own laundry, peels potatoes and when she remembers she makes her bed. It is all I can expect from her and I certainly do not berate her if she doesn't do something or follow through on the entire job. She has moderate dementia and often forgets what she was doing.

Older people need exercise too especially if Alzheimer's has entered their life.
What ever they used to do they can still do with cuing. Last thing you need is to wait on someone hand and foot. what is so hard about making a bed? it is not that older [eople need to earn their keep, but older people need to feel valued and sometimes we are defined or have identity through what we do.

An older person is still alive. My 86 (almost 87) year old worked outside the home until she was 82, by choice.
It is her room every thing in there is hers from her own home, pictures of her and her husband, when they were younger and older are all around, her husband died 11 years ago. What harm does it do anyone...?

87 years old....and you want a house keeper...well..Hope you have hospitalization and doctors coverage for her...when is the last time you ran a vacuum or wiped a sink or cleaned a toilet...at 87 it is likely that she has brittle bones...and soon after launching her into cleaning..she will have a broken him..and from laying in bed get bed sores and infections..and IF she lives through it..you will have more work on your own hands that if you cleaned your own house or hired a house keeper ...I AM 56 year old MAID and I get tried easy...at her age...YOU are asking way to much...Have her peel potatoes..make a salad for lunch..or dinner..wash a few dishes...but no dusting or vacuuming...if you think she needs to earn her keep....at this age...get her sit and fold laundry...or sit and dust some nic nacs...but making beds and doing laundry from washer to dryer is too much...she is not gonna be moving that fast..and she needs to adjust to the new situation...but I would NOT have my 86 year old Mother in Law cleaning my house.....Maybe you should have her read you the bible on the part about WIDOWS and how taking advantage of them is NOT looked on FAVORABLY at all by GOD!!

Find some small chores you can do together to build her confidence and make her feel useful and contributing to the family. It's so important that they still feel they are useful and helping. Start small so it's not overwhelming and she can complete with success. Then build from there.

Are there things you can retrieve from her old life that are meaningful? Pictures, chair, lamps, rugs -- that you could create a little of her past home in a corner or her room in your home? She is grieving and it is very tough to just give it up and start over.

Also, maybe get her involved at senior center or other activities and groups where she can meet new people and develop new friendships and activities outside the family if she is able.

At 87, she can still do a few things, but if she is physically impaired or has dementia, it might be difficult to complete a task. My Mom is 90 and can help peeling potatoes and making her bed but that is the limit of her capabilities with moderate dementia.

My mother-in-law loved to fold laundry and would sit for hours in front of the TV doing this. We often took the piles into the other room and mixed them up so she could keep folding. Safe, nothing breaks, and she was kept busy feeling useful. On the other hand, when a senior won't go to any other outside resource, this quickly became a nightmare. When my husband would go to the bathroom or down to the cellar to put a load of laundry in, she wanted to know where he was and why he had left the room. Let them stay home, Veronica91, and while YOU wouldn't want to go, anyone taking care of you or me or anyone else for that matter will be SO GLAD you did. Boredom made a prison for all of us here.

I tried the chore idea with my MIL but having dementia she would lose intetest and walk away from her task so we no longer do that. For her it just doesnt work. Gage your loved ones capabilities is the best you can do.Requiring they do so is probably not very realistic.All are in my thoughts and Prayers.

Can't wait to go to that senior center, play bingo and eat lunch. How about you Emjo, have you been yet? I'd rather stay home and help with chores.
My point is that many seniors simply do not want to go out and be social. I am too much of a bossy boots to be made to do what is good for me.
Owl Eyes please stay with us you have some excellent experience to share. Your rehab and psych experience will be especially helpful.