Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

I wouldn't expect her to do chores because first of all she could feel like she is being belittled. but if she expresses an interest in certain chores for example, doing the dishes or laundry or windows etc, I would let her do them as she wishes, it might help her to feel like she belongs and praise her for doing things no matter how menial to show her appreciation and that you notice what she has done. on the flip side many people who move into others homes feel like they are invading on the responsibilities of the home owners. and feel like they will only cause problems. let her/him do as they feel comfortable doing. and remember you too will be that age one day and probably be facing the same losses think about how you would feel.

Depending on her physical health, making her feel "needed" May help her.. like I need a hand can you help with dishes, don't make it sound like "you need to do this"

I am so impressed with the people whose messages I have been reading on this site. There are so many compassionate and loving entries. Blessings on you all for the kindly ways you reach out to others who are coping with very difficult situations. Thank you. At the moment I don't have such a problem, nor am I a problem myself! I happened on the site because I was looking for something else & I feel blessed that happened. I am an R.N. who worked for many years in a Rehab center & then on psych unit. In the process I cared for many persons who were older. In both settings, family dynamics were important when working with our patients, as they are on this site.

The worst thing we can do is let them think they are useless. We have to keep their self-esteem intact.

Aww

My mother was very frail at 82 before she died, but she wanted to try and help me around the house. I gave her a swiffer duster and let her walk and dust things in the house, I also let her mix things in the kitchen when I was cooking, fold towels and such. Anything relatively easy to do. They still need to feel like they are useful and it gives them some meaning to their life to be able to feel like they can still help out.

After our sons came to "re-organize" us, my wife was "down" until I realized that we (the boys and I) had left her out. After they left, she was much better. Change should come, but in manageable bites. She has accepted support from our hired hand and from me. I am naturally sedentary and she caters to my immobility, just because she has always done so. I love her and try to keep her involved in our life.

Aww I was enjoying that - and hang on, isn't anyone going to suggest sending her down the salt mines..?! xxx

Please can we leave this poor MIL alone now. The original questions was "can I expect" and did not ask for suggestions of what she might be asked to do to feel useful. The way the question was posed implied that MIL was NOT disposed to lending a hand and the daughter in law felt she should help within her capabilities. correct me if I am wrong but really there is no more meat on this bone!!!!!

I agree with many of the comments. Mom is 91, fairly blind and has moderate dementia. and stubborn as hell. We had condos down the hall from each other, but recently bought a house to be under the same roof - it was time for that adjustment. It gives her a purpose and a sense of belonging to the family and household to do chores. Like others, she can empty the dishwasher and if she doesn't know where to put things or can't see the silverware, she puts them on the counter for us to put away. She can push a Swiffer around and dust the surfaces of furniture (as long as she doesn't bend too much and get dizzy). It doesn't really matter that she misses things on the floor or furniture because she can't see. She can't tell and I don't tell her - I tell her it looks good and thank you. It helps her feel useful. By the way, it takes some restraint to not try to fix things or follow up after her. I try to let it go and pick a different time to "redo." It's not easy and sometimes it's double work, but really, the rewards are worth it.

You can "expect" a lot, but what is MIL capable of doing? Set small, simple chores she can finish, unless she is able to do more. My Hubby has Alzheimer's and is unable to do complex tasks, complex has taken on a new meaning, he can empty the dishwasher, putting the dishes away, not so simple....so I ask him to leave them on the counter and I will put them away, he folds clothes, I put MINE Away, if I ever want to find them...engaging your loved one in small chores around the house is good for THEM...sometimes it may be more work for you in the long run. The more a person is kept busy less time for the mind to wander, but it's a fine balancing act...what are they capable of and what would be overwhelming...get your entire family engaged in giving MIL chores!

I let My MIL do whatever she feels capable to do for the day.She folds her clothes and puts them away,I do the laundry because it has to be done in the basement and she cannot do the steps up or down.I let her make her bed if she feels up to it or assist her with it when she asks.She always says she wants to do things but rarely tries.Something she says to visitors because she thinks she should. Let her do whatever you think she can. I had my MIL wipe out the refrigerator because she was always anal about that and it made her very happy!! Hugs to You!!

I sort my kids laundry into loads one day a week. My Grandma can load the washing machine. I use the laundry pods and she thinks they are the greatest things. All she has to do is load, plop a pod in and start the load. She can put the load in the dryer. It is fool proof for her and makes her feel she has contibuted. Plus, my kids get to see her and thank her. She is able to sweep the floor also. (since I don't your mom's physical conditions... just some ideas)

I say definitely let her help out with chores around the house, but not strenuous ones, ones like folding towels, and other folding laundry chores. You can also, if she has a steady hand, she can say cut up veggies for dinner, fruits too., with a knife that she won't get cut on. You can have her shine silverware, but not with chemicals, just using a soft cloth. You can have her put magazines and papers into paper bags for recycling. You can have her shred up papers you need shredded by letting her put them through a shredder ( if you have one that is). You could try having her look at photos from your wife's/her side of the family and see if she recognizes the people and if you have not written down their names on the photos you can, you could even see if she wants to tell you any stories about them. Sometimes looking at photos and remembering things can really brighten people's moods. But I would have your Mom in Law help out if she wants to. You don't make it clear if she is interested in doing that, if so, awww let her help it will give her a feeling of being needed and who does not like feeling like they are needed?

We had my MIL here for six years during which time she was constantly angry that we didn't sell our house, move to Florida, me buy a house by myself and let her live alone with her only son. Every day she would get up and moan, "I wanna die," at the breakfast table. We tried taking her places, having her friends visit, taking her to see them, nothing worked. This chronically angry individual ruined her life and ours too--the last ten years of her life nobody suffered more than her, not even people in the Spanish Inquisition. Sad.

No, you can't expect her to help around the house, don't be silly. She's 87. Have some respect.

If she WANTS to help, though, that's a different matter. When she's ready, when she offers, be glad and encourage her - it'll make her feel useful and wanted.

My Mom does the dishes (and always has! I hate that!). She's 93, uses a walker, is mentally bright but structurally challenged. Pretty often, she laments that she wishes she could do something to help me (I'm 64, and she lives with me in a good-sized house on an acre in the boonies). I wish she'd believe me that doing the dishes is a HUGE help! (Did I say how much I hate that?!). Her main purpose and help is just being with me - the company is priceless!

I have read the question and all the answers... there would be nothing I could add..the advice from this site is the best and has helped me a lot. Just make sure she feels like its her home also. She will eventually dig in and get back to her life. If she doesnt do something to your liking or your wife's, fix it later...she wont stay healthy sitting around being waited on.

Ny dad likes to take out the trash, and walk the dog. I do my best to keep him out of the kitchen, but he still does a few things there for himself. When I'm working in the garden, I have him turn the water on and off. Old people want to feel useful and capable.

No! You should not expect her to help around the house. But, you should let her, even encourage her. When seniors get older and circumstances change so that they must be removed from familiar surroundings, in most cases they will feel in the way and even a burden to you. Let her know that you are joyed at having her with you and your wife. Tell her she is welcome to help do anything she can or wants to, but never tell her that you expect her to do her fair share. She will go from feeling like a burden to feeling like a prisoner. Be blessed.

Laney .. that's hysterical! Thing is .. it's still a *good* thing. It really doesn't matter, for our elders ~what~ they do, even if we feel the need to re-do it (be nice, tho, don't let them see ya do it). Mostly, it's about letting them feel wanted, needed and capable of contributing .. besides being busy and keeping their minds active. A dead mind is .. oh, geez .. you complete the sentence.

Maybe but probably not the way we would like them done...my husband unloads the dish washer so he thinks and leaves the clean dishes all over the counter..but the dish washer is empty..lol

My mother is almost 94 and can still use her walker to go to the dining room at her assisted living. Assisted living in taking good care of her!!

If she is able, getting her involved around the home could help to make her feel "important" still "needed" and lastly "helping/ caring" for her family by allowing her to do or asking her to do simple task that she could be able to around the home. This will actually help this senior have some aspect of independence and a less feeling of dependence.

If a 90+ Mom can use a fork or spoon to eat, that counts as independence, also!

If she is in good enough health to help you should at least ask her to fold towels, set the table, etc. or do something that is within her limits. Getting a person busy will take their mind off any depression they may be feeling. She would probably benefit from being around others if her health is permitting.

At 87 don't plan on her cleaning the house or mowing the lawn, she has pretty much paid her dues in life, but try to find small things and ask her if she would please help you do this or that.

Let her do what she can and wants to but don't expect her to work for her keep just because she is living in your house.

Hi..I see that it has been 2 years since you posted the question about your mom moving in with you. I haven't gone through every other comment considering it's been so long ago you asked this question. I was wondering how things have been over the first year of adjustment and since then? I just moved back home with my 89 year old mom and it's a warpath every decision, every question i ask her, every suggestion i give. She is the DIVA of housework and still tries to push herself to do it...including moving furniture. I have caught her several times and stopped her. Her response is 'I use to be able to do this I don't see why i have to stop now'. Then I have to remind her of her recent hospital trip and the results we were told of it and the new adjustments she needs to make. It is truly difficult for an elder to give up their 'independence' to another person and rely on them.
My mom is having a time of it because her house is a 2 story with basement and attic. So she was used to climbing staircases. Now she no longer can, yet the medical help that comes in toys with her mind and when they discuss her doing steps they make her feel as if she could, but then they turn and say...it's too soon to be doing steps. I refuse to let her do them 'on my watch'. I told her only do them if and when a home care aide is present. She was preparing 'Sunday Dinner'...She started to peel and slice potato's and of the 6 she got 4 done before she had to quit and call me in. I was in another part of the house doing something else before I went to get a drink and saw her mess in the kitchen. ROFL. So i started to help her finish what she started. That dinner prep wore her out so bad that she actually slept well for a change. Usually she'd be up and in the kitchen at 10:30, midnight..maybe even 1 am snacking.


Bottom line is I'm doing the 'chores' and mom does super light cleaning provided they are capable of doing so. I see no issue with elderly parents doing light things...making their own bed, keeping their own bathroom clean(but not super clean), dusting, folding laundry that you take care of). If they have been told by the doctor they can't do steps...it's wise to keep it that way and to not have them doing daily chores or expect them to do what they use to do 20 years ago when they were healthier.

Elders get depressed when they can no longer help out with chores so it is good to at least try to involve them with the little things...even if it is only drying a few dishes after you wash them..or just putting them away after you wash and dry. To totally deny them participation in any chore is to tell them they are useless..which will cause withdrawal and depression and a very bitter attitude.

Great answers here! I say let her do what she can and wants to do, also with your oversight and from a bit of a distance so she doesn't feel watched. I just love this web site and am so grateful for your calming advice. Thank you to all that take the time to participate. It's so welcomed and appreciated.

If Mom can even try to put her jacket on to go out, that counts as doing something for herself instead of always waiting for someone else to do it for her.