Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

If Mom can even try to put her jacket on to go out, that counts as doing something for herself instead of always waiting for someone else to do it for her.

If you have children or grandchildren nearby, some relatives enjoy helping them master math facts using flashcards. Design brief organizational activities. For example, my mother helped me organize all of my earrings into old ice tray containers . The keys to finding help (this is just in my situation) is to consider my mother's strength, interests, and a truly helpful task. She is also very willing to fold certain things because her way was better than mine. I ask her to brush the dogs, and she is so faithful in that. This winter, she is going to read some of our favorite books from my childhood aloud while I knit and sew. Her fingers hurt if she tries to knit or sew. The print is usually bigger in children's books, and we are both looking forward to it. Best wishes!

My fiance's grandfather has no desire to do activities. He'll just watch tv or look out the back door (we have turkey & deer that come throughout the day). He has always viewed housework as "women's work" yet he often helps me with folding towels, shirts on hangers & putting away dishes. He is very physically capable, & I want him to move. If I ask "will you help me" He is almost always immediately helps!

I never expect anything from anyone. I hope for the needed results but never expect, you'll be disappointed every time.... Do give her busy work. Maybe if y'all phrase things like.. I really need your expert help, you always kept everything so perfect can you please show me how you do (whatever it is you want done) and I do encourage grief counseling and walks if she is able.

My parents recently moved in with us. Dad has Az and was used to being outdoors all day. I have him water the tomatoes, etc, and take old bread out to feed the birds. He also likes to vacumn.. my carpets have never been so clean! He likes to shop also, so I have him read the ads in the paper. Mom is sharp but frail.. but she is a house cleaning machine ( a room or so a day) and does the laundry. It does help them as well as me.. sometimes I feel like I have nothing to do, even if I do have to redo some things. I try to keep them busy and they feel needed and not like a "burden"

I'm learning to allow my dad to do what he can. He likes to cook, so we ask him to cut up vegetables for a dish. Or to fold his clothes after laundry. Easy but necessary task. It makes him feel needed.

It depends on her and how well she is and how much she wishes to help. I think you are fortunate if you don't have to help with toileting and all that. It's not easy for someone that age to do anything... unless unusually able. And don't you think maybe she deserves a little rest? But I know how hard it all is.

This is a tricky question. Once I had an idea to put pictures to memories. She became so stressed trying to write. I didn't know that would happen and felt bad. I'm thinking about pulling out the watercolors and paper to see if she would enjoy this activity. She cannot do home activities anymore. Keep searching.

What would she like to do?
What can she do?
Put your heads together and jam....maybe she needs a little space however before this conversation...she is depressed... be sensitive....be patient...include her in your life.....you may see where she fits in the best...

Is he or she able to do very simple things for self, such as dressing? I does not have be done alone, but the assistant may face the wall while the elderly person tries to button or unbutton a blouse or shirt, for example.

ya think she could make a bag of mortar?

This original question is from August 2011 ... Why does it keep popping up in our emails as if it is the question needs a pending answer? It seems to me that there are enough current questions that need addressing!

Yes,Yes,Yes as long as she is physically able to, I'm sure there is something she is capable of doing. Dont fall into my trap I do everything,and its too much. She must have done things at her home,right? Even if its something you would delegate to a child to do, keep here as active and involved as possible, you all will benefit from it

My mom can't do much because she is wheelchair bound, but I do bring the dish strainer of just washed dishes in for her to wipe and she gets to fold the laundry. She does them well. And if I am not in a bad mood or in a hurry, she helps me cut up the vegetables for salad. Some days I am just too short tempered, but other days she does a lot. I am so thankful she likes to put puzzles together -- the 100 piece ones. It makes her feel good to accomplish these tasks and is good for her brain too!

I agree that feeling needed and helpful is important. And .. there's more than that. Daily activities .. whether it's household chores, exercises to strengthen aging muscles and mind, or socializing (I'm sure others can and will list more .. but you get the idea) is critical to being .. and to being alive.

I have three personal rules:
Love
Laugh
Learn
.. every day. Every. Single. Day.

Aside from making life more enjoyable .. it keeps us alive and healthier.

Encourage your MIL to remove cloths from washing machine and spread it,fold it in when dried and prepare them for ironing.

Encourage your MIL to remove cloths from washing machine and spread it,fold it in when dried and prepare them for ironing.

Making her feel needed is the key. Even if what she does is not up to your standard at least she tried and you can finish up while she is asleep without her knowing.

I had said before that there was very few things I can trust to leave for mom to do alone. For one thing she performs the jobs kind of like a child so they are somewhat helpful but I have to go behind her and redo some of them. For example, putting the dishes from the dishwasher away. The items end up in unusual places. But I suppose we kind of have to let go that things have to be perfect. It's more about letting them feel needed. I do give her the task of watering the plants in summer or putting away a little laundry. I do my own. I try to find things that we do together so she will keep on task and have the company at the same time.

So much of dealing with dementia is like dealing with a child ---- BUT different, too. Remember that love, respect, and patience go a long way -- hope and prayer will take you the rest of the way!

I have started leaving hints for my mom around the house to let her know I need help and it's been working. She is 75. I bring bottled water in from the car and leave it in the bag. She later puts it away if she wants cold water..She knows I barely drink it. She sorts her clothes for laundry because I suck at laundry. And Lately I have been leaving sm.amts of dishes in the sink and she is washing them. This is like a miracle for me. She does state she is bored. So we will probally go swimming or to the movies more often..God Bless Everyone.

My mother is bed ridden now, but I agree with everyone else. You have to make them feel like they matter and they are still useful. Did you bring any of the stuff she had that meant a lot to her? Having some of her stuff around her makes a difference, even if it's just small things. Let her do what she thinks she is able to do and make sure you put some of her stuff in her room or around the house, so she want feel like she has lost everything. Make her feel like she is love and wanted and that she does matter. No one knows how long you have with your loved one's, so make every day count and always make them feel loved and wanted. Like they did to you all those years you were growing up and even when you grew up. Don't make her feel like she is a burden. God bless and good luck.

Lots of good ideas and advice here! Welcome Nelkster! My 84 year old mother gets very depressed if she doesn't have things to do. You might discuss the depression with her medical professional. My Mother now takes 20 mg Celexa daily and this has helped her cope with all the changes we imposed on her because of dementia. She lives with us and I need to find ways to make her feel productive and needed. She sets the dinner table, peels potatoes, dusts, waters plants, etc. I stopped ironing shirts (unless really needed) long ago but Mom now irons my husband's shirts regularly and he says how much he appreciates it. She beams! The phrase I use is "will you help me?"
Do you have a senior center nearby? I have Mom go for BINGO once a week and to an exercise class once a week. It's great socialization. After the exercise she will sit with some of the ladies and play rummy. She always comes home in a better mood.
Don't get me wrong. We are not living a fairy tale here. Mom has forgotten that her parents and my dad passed years ago. So she thinks I'm an awful human being because I won't tell her their phone numbers. If anyone knows the are code for heaven I'd be grateful for the number! LOL Be well everyone. Bee

I think finding something small that she can do is ok. Like it has been said, it will give them a sense of 'neededness' and a feeling a contribution. Since my mom has moderate dementia, her ability to do those things 'right' is greatly reduced. She performs much like a child where you might have to re-do it. But by no means should you correct her or fix it in front of her. I have to very often come behind my mom and re-do what she just did. Give her something to do that isn't so crucial that it be done right.

My MIL loved to dust with one of those "new-fangled" disposable dusters. It kept her occupied and feeling important and there wasn't much that she could hurt or get hurt with!

No, it is unrealistic to expect a person of her age to do housework. I am 57 and have a lot of difficulty doing it.

What we did for our mother was set her down finally and told her to stop being so negative and acting superior and to help by picking up her dishes/cups, etc., and she always keeps her room very neat. She just needed to hear it, that's all.

based n her age and flttness flnd apprprate tasks, settlng the table, dustlng, waterlng the plants, foldlng the dlsh towels. My MlL never had t d anythlng fr herself, always had smeone coklng and cleanlng for her, even though she ls spry and has her wltts, she refuses to even do the smallest of tasks, her resourses are small now as famlly took advantage of her when hlred them to do all thls when she Llved alone. She says she ls a lady and desnt have to work, unfrtunately thls entltled attltude has left her lonely because she acts superlor, even wlth people her own age.

It would depend on her physical decline and of coarse safety. Everyone needs to feel appreciated and that they are a contributing factor. If she feels that she is capable of doing it and it is safe, not too hard on her by all means let her do it. Activity is essential and it will keep her focused. Best wishes to you all.

Even the elder's very basic functions such as some simple chores, walking, dressing and eating for himself, with supervision available for safety, are encouraged, if possible. Elders in need are still people to be respected with dignity, disabled or not.