Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

I think that the issue that lies with most of us caregivers is that we must work for economic reasons, no exceptions. It is best to get the elder's care situation under control before the caregiver either must quit her job to help with eldercare, and therefore placing her own financial future in trouble, or if unemployed, such as I am, to get retrained and obtain new employment in order to sustain the caregivers' own economic stability. Remember, stability comes first if you need to help someone else. Unless the family is rich and can afford to have the family at home to help? How about a Caregivers' Reform to allow the elderly to remain at home where they are most familiar with their surroundings and therefore able to obtain the required help in order to avoid financial strain on the family members. Should the government help out for long-term care in the home, not counting Medicare for Hospice care?! Yes, I truy believe this can be possible.

My Dad doesn't get around well in the home, but often busses his glasses/cups or meal dishes to the kitchen. I don't ask him to do it, but always tell him it's appreciated. He uses a motorized cart out of the home, so when grocery shopping I'll send him off for something on the list, and have him meet me with it, then repeat the process. He positively beams when driving through the store with a purpose. He's passed family and just waves, off on his hunt. He sometimes gets up to let "his" dog into the house from the deck. As a very good DIY person in his younger years, I also use him for advice on projects I'm undertaking. The more he contributes, the more he feels still needed and not just a burden.

Hi, there are wonderful comments and ideas above! I thought I'd mention, observing a family elder in his 80s, that he has the best of intentions in the morning regarding household chores, but by the early afternoon he's napping, and later in the day he's in pain and needs to simply stay put. So, we've felt that we want to encourage participating, but not assume that there will be a 'schedule.' It's turned into ' How's today and do you want to go grocery shopping with us?' or 'Today you seem tired, how about using the grocery checklist and then we'll call you from the store and you can add to the list..!' The 'involvement' with family activities can take many forms - it may be conversation from the armchair, or actually walking to the kitchen - as long as there's 'involvement ' and a sense of being participatory, that 's what counts. A 'bad day' doesn't have to be 'an isolated day' for the elder. Developing a family culture in which it's perfectly acceptable for household chores to be 'scaled according to energy' seems important, so the elder doesn't feel a) guilty about dropping a task done yesterday; or b) isolated due to pain.

No. There is your answer. Well at least it is like that in my home, ha! Only 80 though. However, she does clean her bedroom every single day.

We all need a purpose for living, without a purpose we die, so you should not take everything away from a parent or MIL/FIL they need to feel needed. Ask her if she would "help you set the table" or "help you fold the towels and tell her where they go." If you ask for "help" it makes them feel needed and they are more inclined to pitch in and give you a hand.

If she is ill and does not feel as though she can do anything, then you have to just let it go and take care of chores yourself. She may actually be afraid to get up and do anything, because this is YOUR HOUSE and she doesn't want to overstep her boundaries and upset you or your wife. She may be afraid that if she does something wrong you may ask her to leave so she is sitting quietly trying to stay out of the way.

You basically need to invite her into your home and tell her it is her home as well. Asking for help is a good ice breaker and both you and your wife and then MIL need to figure out how much she is capable of doing and does she actually WANT to do it. Letting her just sit and do nothing will lead to dementia (happened to my Mom) and depression. Lighten things up with some fun outings if possible, she needs to see that life is still going on out there.

Well, my mother is in pain most of the time with her back, shoulder, etc. I can say that sitting most of the time watching TV, doing crosswords, and not doing much else will render us ALL with these ailments. I don't want to end up deteriorated like that, so I have started Pilates, and going to the gym to keep my muscles from atrophy. I sleep better and feel up to the job by doing this. I would recommend this to anyone who is carrying their life load and that of a parent(s). It helps. I will try to find a support group locally to see if it helps to find someone who like to to walk and talk and is doing the same thing that I am doing.

college loving your mom.

Love it Madeaa. Seabeans61 that's a great idea. My mom will fold a few towels if it takes a few hours a just take over. But 91 you are doing a great job. God Bless you.

I asked my mother, straight out, what chores she was able/capable of doing to help out, and at first she would empty the cat box, wash her clothes, but after awhile she would not do these things and even would just drop her dishes into the sink and walk off. After awhile, I just had to accept that she was not able to do much of anything, and it was just up to me to do it. I just accepted my job. The acceptance and not thinking about the inconvenience, etc., took some of the anger/resentment away. She doesn't have much longer to live (she is 91 now). I just hope that I will be able to take care of her need and they won't get out of my control that I will have to turn her over to the State...she does not have the money for assisted living or a nursing home.

Noahbb, LOL, so true, once I do something once, my mother will never ever do it again!

Once I do one thing, its all over I'm stuck doing it forever. I'm in over my head. If your MIL wants to help let her even if you have to help her. I'd love it.

..give her little towels to fold..

my mother is wheelchair bound and 92 but she loves to look at the mail for me. She is like my assitant. She opens it and sorts it. She also puts my bills in the envelopes and puts the stamps on them and looks at the checks to see if I signed them, ha. She helps put picyures in albums and helps fold clothes sometimes. She just wants feel like part of whatever is going on. She is very positive and happy. She really looks forward to church and riding with us to the grocery store.

I think I said this before, but I will again. Animals are the most unconditional sources of love and attention we can be graced with. There are many senior cats and dogs that would love some attention and would give the elderly a reason to keep on trucking, open up your home to a little furry guy and give ma or pa the role of caring for them to the best of their abilities. An animal will listen to a person talk to them for hours about the same thing over and over and will love being stroked, good for the person stroking, lowers the bp and keeps everyone happy, just a thought as an animal lover, win win for all.

she is elderly..should she want to do something I am sure since she knows and has
done it All her life..she will..let her rest..and relax...she took care of You.
she knows how to do things..she will if she can I am sure..even so; let her be
herself. :)

in summary:
snapping green beens and folding laundry. i aint doin either thank you. ill be in the garage playing with the oxy / acetelyne torches if you need me, and you will. now predial 9-1 and stand by.. suckers !!
( im going to be such a b***c..)

My mom is always cold, be it winter or summer(ac) and she loves it when she sits on the couch and I dump a warm load of freshly washed towels and wash clothes for her to fold. Sometimes I even put clean ones in the drier for a few minutes, just to give her something she likes to do.
She is in a wheel chair, so there isn't much else she can do. She can Iron small things, but I do stay close due to the burn factor.
She makes her own bed, most days...it helps her to feel a little independent and useful.
She actually loves it if I am sick. She cant cook for me or anything, but she gets to tell me to drink fluids, and rest and to take my meds. I'm thinking I should start faking that a little more often...just for the rest!

at 87 just pretending to give a damn would be an overwhelming chore imo..

First let her know she is welcome and loved. When she feels secure in her environment she will feel like she can contribute. Provided of course that she is physically and emotionally able. Most of all, love her, while you can, let chores, and other things come second, forgive her for her inconsistencies, and realize that it is hard to have someone live with you. For her as well as you. Someday you will be old. Treat her as you would like to be treated someday. Hopefully, with compassion and love.

Let Her do what She can while She can the day will come She won't be able,My Mom don't do anything I know She can just want.

Absolutely. Helping with chores gives someone value and a feeling of worth. Of course, the tasks need to be reasonable like folding laundry, setting the table, retrieving the mail, preparing lunch, etc.

Only have her help with chores that make her feel like she is helping. I have my 92 year old dad organize his room, have him go outside and get the newspaper, the mail, and anything else that he is capable of doing. Then, I thank him very much for helping me for everything thing that he does,so that he feels like he is welcome in my house and not a burden.

My 87 year old mother moved in with me & my husband last year. She loves to garden so I let her buy plants & water when she feels like it. She also does put the dishes in the dishwater & I just rearrange them & put it on. She takes them out. We have had a few incidents but its going ok so far. I do all the cooking, driving but take her shopping & she does keep her bedroom & bathroom tidy. She feels needed by doing things around the house so if she can do some things then see if she can without causing too many problems.

Although I thought that it was good to have my elderly Mom remain active through household chores, I did hire a home care worker.

Let her try what she thinks she can do unless it can directly impact the safety of others. My 92 year old relative still drives - and drives just about as safe as anyone else on the road - and still is active full time with the church, and has full time volunteer responsibilities.

Age is a number only. Depends on her health.

Sometimes people use the search feature to look up discussions that relate to what is on their minds, I assume that is why recent comments come up.

Since this question was asked in 2011, I can assume we have commented on it far too long...

You can EXPECT her to do anything you want. What you will GET is entirely another animal. You can EXPECT to win the lottery. Will you? I have no idea. Good luck.

Do you ASK your mom to help? What kind of chores are you referring to? If it's your mom's nature to help, I am sure she would want to do something to feel useful and have a sense of 'belonging' in her new living situation.

I would INVITE her in order to make her feel useful but not EXPECT her at 87 years of age comeon would you do this to your mother?I noticed you said Mother in law