Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Expect? No. If she wants to do something that is within her ability, allow her to. Encourage her to do what she can, when she can, as best as she can. At 87 I am sure she has limitations, but the need to feel useful is one we should encourage. Don't criticize if the job is not done to your expectations. If she tried her best, that is all that you can expect. Just make sure she is safe performing whatever task she wants. I don't believe she should be climbing ladders or other such tasks, but folding laundry, cleaning out or rearranging sock drawers would be fine. Little things to keep her occupied and feeling useful are important. Keep the tasks simple and short term to avoid any frustration on her part.

It can be difficult to leave your home behind. When you move in with relatives, the decorating style is theirs, the belongings are theirs, the daily routine and schedule are theirs. You can feel like a "visitor" for a long time even when everyone is sharing freely. Your MIL needs a place to start. Her own room is the obvious one. She can make this her own and simple chores like dusting or folding her clothes can give her a sense of ownership, if she is up to it. My mom suffers from depression, so some days chores are out altogether. Other times I can motivate her just by working around her. "Oh," she'll say, "let me dust that," or "I'll fold those." I will also say, "Mom can you help me with that recipe you know?" since she has mobility issues, I do most of the work, but she contributes when she can. The idea is to help her gain and hang on to, as much independence as possible. This helps her not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It may take some time for your MIL. Her loss may have her feeling she has no one to do for. Don't make demands of her, just lots of encouragement.

Connzie, you are so right on. My MIL felt like a burden too, even tho we never gave her reason to, but she had worked all her life. Purpose is our reason for living and doing light chores helps her to not only have a purpose but keeps her from just sitting around all day getting stiff. The thing to keep in mind is what she can safely do and not to overdo it.

Your mil and my mom are about the same age. They grew up working. My mom lives with me and every day ask what can I do to help. She helps me make the beds every morning. She has some task that she does every day and it makes her feelshe is helping me. She emptys the dishwasher(although sometimes it is hard to find things) but she feels useful. She helps me fold laundry she likes to vaccum. They need to feel useful so let her help around th house. Mom kept her own house for over 60 years so naturally they want something to do. Your mil needs somethig to do tohelp keep her busy and feel she is helping and not a burden to you.

No you should not. Let her spend her time the way she wants to spend it. You should not expect her to do any chores. But don't leave her out either, if she asks if she could help do anything, by all means let her, something lite and easy for her to do, just enough to keep her mind sharp and gives her a sense of satisfaction.

ALWAYS ask your loved one if they can help you with "this or that." Every caregiver needs to know what has interested their loved ones in the past! My 92 year old dad liked MONEY, junk, hoarding, music, movies, etc. So, we take him to garage sales every weekend and let him choose "whatever" he wants to "buy." If it is junk to YOU, it is a TREASURE to your loved one and will keep him or her happy. Before my mama passed away over a year ago, she liked flowers: So, my entire house consisted of floral decor. Dad likes folders, zipper day planners, battery operated money counters, etc., and he is happier than a pig in sh--! And, if a loved one always had a great sense of humor, do NOT think that they LOST it because of dementia or a stroke!!! Dad is able to make my husband and me laugh (despite all the care-giving) everyday. For example, this a.m., dad heard me state that, "Giving him a half of a multi-vitamin was, "Better than nothing," so he replied with, "Well, daughter, I suppose that YOU are better than NOTHING!" (And, when he laughed, and made that statement, it tickled me to death and made my day!)

A chiropractor told my MIL that when a long term spouse dies the remaining spouse usually on lives 18 months. When she was 87 she told my husband the she only had 30 more days. At that point I told her she was going to work. We took her to our office 3 mornings a week and put brochure packets together for us. She was so proud and bragged to all her friends that she was working in her son's business. She lived for another 18 months. I thought after Pop died that she would enjoy her free time but she didn't have a purpose. Find anything helpful that she can help with and let her know how much her contributions mean to you and how needed she is.

ABSOLUTLY NOT

Anyone remember the ad that had a frustrated middle aged lady saying "Mom, I'd rather do it myself?"
You rock girl!

It all depends on what she wants to do. I hope I have that luxury when I'm 87. As my 94 yr. old mom says, I'm not doing or eating anything I don't want to. Luckily, she has a fabulous personal assistant that does all the things Mom doesn't want to do and fixes her food Mom really likes.
She is also the editor of many of Mom's books she is spitting out each year.

She should do what she can reasonably do, provided she has the physical stamina and mental alertness needed to be helpful to you. She would probably be happy to feel useful. Just make sure that what you ask her to do is well within her abilities to complete without the need for major oversight on your part.

ANYTHING you can find to do that will make her start feeling useful would be great. Stringing beans, drying dishes, folding clothes, wrapping silverware, planning a meal, anything, it will definitely help your Mother in Law to get back into the swing of things. My Mom will stuff envelopes for me for work, she will fold things, she will help my sister make candy bags for the kids parties or school events. She can staple raffle tickets, at Christmas she helped me wrap gifts and even sat with me to make cookies too. Everything helps. Remember not to show frustration if things are not done the way you want them to be, just appreciate her presence and willingness to help. Blessings to you.

i think all people should have some kind of chores to do in the ones cant walk ,that way it will keep theire mine going,if they are doing something,just haveing a child around.

just give them something to do when you are doing something else just keep them busy,till they go to bed .i feel they need keep them self busy ,that way they feel like they are helping out and thats good if they can help.god bless

I prefer my Mom not to help. It's more work for me to 'fix' what she does later ... after she goes to bed. But I know some need to feel useful so little chores like folding towels and feeding the pets are what I ask her to do.

Try finding out what she did before the loss of husband, and what things interest her, she maybe feeling that she is a bother to you and your wife because she is in someone else home. It is not a custom for persons her age to do thing in another persons' home without being asked to do so. So give her a choice of what she would like to do.

Did your MIL like doing chores before her husband passed away? If she did, introducing chores, one by one, may be a good thing. My mom was an amazing cook and housekeeper for our family of eight. In my kitchen, I gave her the title "Sous Chef" and had her at my side during meal prep, and she loved it! At 92, she's "tinier" now, but she still likes to stack the plates at the kitchen table after a meal and wipe up the crumbs, which tend to fall to the ground for the pup to clean up.

i think ,they should try to do things around the house or partment if they can walk ,if they can walk give them something to do when they are sitting down like folding clothes,stuff like that ,they feel like they are helping out ,see what they can do then take it from there,god bless.

My 89 yr. old mother does a lot of the chores that 4lashade said in previous post. She doesn't wash her hands with soap, just water. I'm always telling her to use soap. I want to let her set the table, empty the dishwasher, but I won't let her if she doesn't wash with soap. It's an on going fight. The towels get so dirty that I have to bleach them. And she only changes her Depends maybe every two days and right now she has a rash. She won't drink a lot of water because then she has to get up all the time to use the bathroom. But she gripes about little dirty spots, that she usually makes and denys doing it. I want to put her in a home so bad, but fincially I can't. I get so depressed sometimes. I can still leave her alone for a while. I feel bad, but our relationship is suffering.

It depend on what the chores are, and what she is capable of doing and what she can't do. For people of that age and with dementia, it is important for them to keep on doing the little things that they can do themselves for as long as possible. It is equally possible for them to forget things easily and things they are use to do and enjoy doing before the onset of dementia might be difficult for them to remember. Folding clothes, arranging flowers, setting table are example of chores they can do at home But streneous chores should be out as they might hurt themselves or find it difficult to do.This might make them depress or moody and sad`all the time.

Yes, I agree I try to involve my mom in things that aren't too stressful because she easily can feel discouraged when she forgets something or pours the orange juice in the milk pitcher. Yes the laundry folding is good, anything that takes repetition, she also likes to dust. So I give her anything that would benefit from a long slow clean. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much she really likes my cat, and this is someone who never ever had anything to do with pets. It seems to be really good therapy for her, hence the therapy pets in nursing homes, it really works for her. She feels needed especially by him cause the cat needs direction also, so perhaps a senior pet for a senior is a cool idea. She likes getting him water and cleaning his dish, and giving him lots of pets, and he does not mind sitting with her for hours listening to her repeat the same stories over and over, they are great company for one another, don't know how a parrot would be though LOL.

I dont think YOU should expect her to..see what she likes to do.She definitely knows her own limits.

She should definitely have something that she can do around the house. It is for her own well being that she feel that she is a productive member of the household. What needs to be taken into consideration is whether or not she has balance issues or ambulation issues. That would rule out many things such as loading/unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming. Even if her balance is poor, she can still sit down and fold clothing and/or towels. She can also sit at the table to do some food prep (cutting veggies, etc.) My 91 yr old aunt lives with my cousin and her husband she does ALL of the housework, so it depends on your mom's physical abilities, but she should definitely be doing *something*

The older ones are funny and tricky, they have all kinds of preconceived notions, about being in another house. One is that they are a guest even, (so they are not suppose to do anything, especially if , that was the routine, before she came to live with you.) Two: because it is your house, sometimes they feel like, they have to ask permission, it is like begging...after all that generation grew up in a war, (ours is 1st gen immigrant) and with all that baggage, even in the united states,
it is in their long term memory bank, and during the early and mid stages, of dementia the mind is like, a piece of swiss cheese, where the holes of short term emory
are fill it in with long term memory, that makes sense to them.

The POA's sold the building and her stuff, but we managed to take stuff, she looked at every day, like the candle holders from her dining room table are in our dining room. Our apartment has the same basic layout, so we configured our living room furniture, as she had her living room furniture. And so on, since everything for her is brand new, she feels she is a queen. We also ere able to rescue, pictures of her and her husband, they are in her room and in the living room. We (her son and I ) rescued her from being in a nursing home. We were care-giving before they sold the home (a two flat) and we are still her caregivers now.

Yes that is one way that you can keep her mentally motivated and also keep her in tune with what going on around her......she does not want to be or feel left out. However you should be with her, have her assist you with chores, she must not be left alone unsupervised while at chores. As long as she is able to assist, I think she should.
Thank you so much
Apharris

Sure, if she is capable. My 86 soon-to-be 87 yr. old husband helps me. Just make a list and ask what she would like to do and then let her do it her way. (You can always change it later if you don't like it. Just don't be critical). What you didn't say is if she has the memory to handle a light work load. Be patient and bless you for giving her a home!

If she is physically and mentally capable then absolutely. The more she keeps moving the better. Like others have said it's good for her mentally to keep her brain working. Also to help her feel that she's contributing to the family. If she just doesn't want to then OK. If she can't move well then give her sitting jobs like folding towels/clothes, polishing silver, ripping up unwanted mail, etc. My mother is 92 and still contributes to household chores although they are diminishing depending on how she feels. Good luck!!!

thirdkid - I found those Chlorox wipes to be wonders. Every day I just take a moment to make a quick wipe down of the sink and counters, and they never get the opportunity to get really bad. Every 2 weeks the cleaning ladies come in for $100 and do all the heavy cleaning (floors, toilets, blinds, showers, tubs, etc..). As long as I maintain with the Chlorox wipes in between, we have a pretty clean house most of the time. Doesn't take but a second. I make the beds, do the laundry, make the meals and clean up after, straighten up anything that gets messed, and use those Chlorox wipes :)

Well, my mother seems to have retired -- from housework -- so I give her chores. Funny, but when I say something like, " Would you like to wipe the counters?" She looks at me, dumbfounded..."They look fine to me!"
She was always a dismal housekeeper. Hey, it was war on Saturday mornings, but some things never got done. Now that I'm living here (for now) I really hate to clean the bathroom. Wiping spit out of the sink (and other very unpleasant tasks) leads me to believe that, for my peace of mind, I have to get back to work ASAP and if I have to hire someone to clean her house, I will do that. I need the distance, along with not sleeping here.
It's been a year now and I think things have settled down a lot. You need to allow yourself the luxury of settling in. My mom is 90, soon to be 91, and she is still capable of housework, but she offers a myriad of excuses as to why she "can't" do it. She never liked it! She and I are very different in that way. I am uncomfortable in a home that is calling for attention, she isn't. It will be better for us to have separate abodes....

Just to inject a lighter version, this reminds me of a Waltons episode (okay, I'm old, and also have all the DVDs of that show. It teaches me so much). Grandma finally got home from a long hospital stay, post-stroke, and grandpa was sadly no longer with them. She had expressive aphasia - couldn't speak intelligibly (the actress, Ellen Corby, wasn't acting, she'd had a stroke in real life). Anyway, she kept trying to say and do things, but the Walton kids kept rushing in to "help": "Grandma! Give me that broom! I'll sweep the porch, you need your rest!" etc. Olivia, the mom, kept telling everyone they were doing a disservice by "mollycoddling her." At one point, when grandma was cooperatively sitting in her rocker on the porch "resting," Olivia came out with the day's fresh green beans that needed snapping for dinner. Ignoring the stroke situation, she did as she always had, and shoved half of the beans into grandma's apron, then went about her own snapping. Grandma only had one working arm, but she immediately figured out a one-handed technique and proudly showed her daughter-in-law. Life was back to normal, and she was useful and part of the routine again.
People who are given realistic challenges (that aren't beyond their abilities or too frustrating), especially familiar chores, do much better in all aspects of life. I'm an Occupational Therapist, and our entire practice is based on this! Go for it, have fun with it; do like Olivia and be casual about it, and you may be the best medicine ever!