Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

My dad is almost 93 and never did much housework; his job was all-around handyman and was very good at electrical work, plumbing, etc. Now that he is older my husband and I pretty much baby him: we set up his breakfast and cook his dinner everyday (he won't eat lunch); all we ask him to do is the dishes in the sink occasionally, which he does willingly. He also will take it upon himself to clean the bathroom sink and toilet which is always a pleasant surprise. I know it is hard to have double housework with an elder parent who adds to the general physical messiness in the house...but I take a deep breath when I feel overwhelmed and realize that he won't be here forever; one day he will be gone and I will have the rest of my life to clean house. This probably isn't very helpful but if you remember human life is fleeting, it puts a clean house in a very low priority. God bless you! You are undertaking one the hardest tasks you will ever do.

Hello Nelkster,
Welcome! As others here have stated it depends on her general health and mental state. My 90 year old father moved in with me last year and in the beginning he was adamant about helping around the house even though it took him 10x longer to do it that it takes me to do things but it made him feel like he was contributing and he actually enjoyed it. As his Alzheimer's has progressed his "helping" around the house has all but gone. He still empties the dishwasher which causes a 'scavenger hunt' each time to find where he has put stuff and he will still run the vacuum cleaner about once a month. He is more down these days and has little energy. He used to love to be out in the yard but I think it is too much for him now. Long way to say if your MIL starts helping that she may not continue to do so depending on her physical health and outlook on life. Just like others have said, praise the effort even if it has to be redone but not when she is looking. Keep asking no matter what.

If she could help, she would be happier. She has to feel like a burden (of which she is and it is sad on both ends), let's face it, so if you could keep her busy...in some small way, I think she would feel better.

From my past taking care of my Grandmother, mother and father, they did do some assistance here and there, of course what they were able to do...there is one rule to remember. And this is for those of us that are caregivers to a spouse as well. We all love to have help, but sometimes, because of the way we are, many of us have our own way of doing things...From experience, and I made this mistake, and learned from it, well most of the time, if they don't do as you like, be sure that if you have to redo something that they did, first shhhhh, they don't need to know, and be sure to do it when they are not around to see you. Believe me, it has taken me time to learn this lesson...I wish you well, and welcome to the site, I am really pretty new here, but have taken care of my family before there was anything like this for me, and have to say with the assistance here, I have already began to learn, share, and it has given me a new meaning to my care-giving. God Bless

I think it depends on her abilities and what she was used to doing in the past. I know my mom is only 67 and can no longer do chores and is not the same person she was years ago. In fact when she stays with me I clean up after her and am happy to do it. So at 87 I wouldn't expect her to do anything unless she offered and could actually do it.

Allow her to do what she can do safely and do no harm. As to "expect" as you asked, No.

NELK:

You might think she should be getting on with her life, but to me she's going through a long period of sad period of reflection. And considering everything she's lost, I wouldn't even try to talk her out of it. Encouragement might not help much here either.

She's realizing the true magnitude of her loss, and it depresses her. At this stage, it's easy for her to isolate on purpose; just to reflect on things she did with her lost one(s), and focus on memories of the past. Feelings of emptiness or despair come with the territory.

Invite her out for a walk, if only to breathe some fresh air. It might relieve some of the depression enough to want to get back on the saddle of things. She might start tidying up around the kitchen, and briefly seeking other people's company.

Remember that there isn't a timeframe to grieving. Everybody is different.

When my mom first came to live with us at age 90+, she wanted to do as much as she could. She had always loved cleaning and helping. So she did the dishes and folded clothes. Made her own bed...as time has went on she was able to do less and less. Sometimes because she was getting physically older but alot was because she has forgotten how and so now she doesn't do anything. Her doctor said that not only did it make her feel worthy and needed and like she was helping us. IT was also good to keep her as active as she wanted or could be. It kept her body AND mind healthier. You will notice as things get too much for her or you start to find things in weird places. Like a dish towel in the fridge. They have been so active and for that to just stop, I believe that it makes them give up and ages then more quickly to not feel like they are an important part of the household. This is just my 2 cents worth.

My mother needs to feel that she is doing something, whether it is shredding the lettuce for the salad or feeding the dog. I let her do as much as she feels capable of doing. Some days she can't make her bed - on those days I do it for her. Other days I go in and it's already done. Mom likes to do her own laundry and will ask if there's anything we have (do you have any whites, dear?) that could go in the same load. I believe that people who feel needed and useful life longer.

My Mom will be 88 in January and we are blessed that she is in such great shape. She loves doing all the laundry and does a great job, and she watches the pets while I am at work. I am noticing some dementia and have spoken with her doctro about it. She loves to work on puzzles and play cards, so I hope and pray she stays ok. It is just Mom and myself and that idea is beginning to terrify me.

Happy Holidays

Thanks for the interesting family story

Well, today my mother enjoyed taking the brussell sprouts off the stalk for us. She also helped me bag up beets to freeze so we have them later next year. She was actually in a good mood! Happy Holidays to all

Every woman is different as she ages.

Interesting how difficult it is for a womans family to decide how to determine
what changes to make

As for me - Im all for hiring home care providers

wow nows the time you take care of her. she shouldnt have to do anything. if she wants to do something she will but maybe she needs help and your not helping her. she just lost her husband. to you it may have been a year but to her its everyday.

Since this is Dec. 18, 2012, I am wondering if this problem has been settled by now. If not, why? Corinne

I would recommend taking note of when she does do things and make a big deal about how much help it was, this will help her to feel useful and part of the family and likely to want to do more. A lesson from husbandry 101

I think getting involved with something helps. I cannot get mine to do much more than watch Dr Oz and tell me all the stuff I am doing wrong..like you wouldnt be FAT if you did what Dr Oz said. But at least she can remember what Dr Oz said enough to try to humiliate me..Im not really fat by the way, just not 5 ft tall and 100 lbs...lol

You can't "expect" her to help, but you can ask if she would like to help, ie, folding clothes, dusting--something she can mentally/physically handle. My mom likes to feel useful & any activity is exercise. She can fold washcloths & occassionally a few towels. You just have to be willing to be happy with and not particular with the help they give.

If she is willing and able I think it would be good therapy for her. Get her mind off what she is missing and give her another purpose to look forward to.

The key word here is expect. If I live to be a healthy enough 87 year old woman, I hope I won't have to do chores anymore. I'll have done them for 83 years by then. I can't imagine, or I would hope that I would not be causing such a mess or be that much trouble. If you and your husband are having such a time because of your age or health, it's time to call a family meeting if you have children or siblings. Maybe you need a bit a assistance with everyday tasks even if your MIL wasn't living with you. There are lots of businesses out there that can come in and help a couple hours a week with whatever is most difficult for you. An example is Home Helpers in-Home Care or just look in the yellow pages under Home Care.

My mom likes to help out with things she "choses". See seems to think that because of her age she should be exempt from whatever she seems too much work. I let her do what she wants within certain perimeters. I've had to be firm about my space, and her space. And I encourage her to do a little more, just so she isn't sitting in a chair so much. I know what you mean about missing her stuff. For the first year that's all she complained about. She felt that my giving her not one, but two bedrooms and her own bath was not enough! A year later, she is doing better. She sti complains she wants her own apt, but I know she can't hAndle it since she is nearly blind. But by all means, she should have some chores she is responsible for, to help her stay mobile and to feel purposeful.

Towards the end my mom helped by folding towels and dishtowels. I used them to dry my tears.

What I do with my sister, who suffers from Traumatic Brian Injury, is bribe her with a visit to Starbucks, lol. My sister loves Starbucks. In all reality, the reward system works well with seniors. They want and need socialization, just like any red hot blooded 20 year old, lol. Maybe not that wild, but you know something a mere more seduate. A movie, at trip the the Mall, lunch, with can be accomplished at Starbucks, as they do have sandwiches, and yogart, and the like. And, first an formost, make sure she has a doctor, and let the doctor know she might be depressed. Life is different now for her, and being mindful of that is a good start.

At 87 she has earned the right not to do "chores".So don't expect her to.Instead steer her toward activites that will keep her mind active, things that will make her laugh.I'm betting that her life skills will blow you away.Have her teach you the things that she is good at.She needs friends her age to play with, too.I ask my Mom for advice often. She's 92. and lives alone. Mom rode horseback to the school that she tought at! Just yesterday I met a man in his 60s that she taught in first grade. 2 years ago I got fresh flowers at wallmart for her.She smiled from ear to ear and got teary too. These were the first flowers she was ever given, that she remembers?

Lots of good answers. Giving her little projects or jobs will make her feel productive and improve her self esteem, make her feel like she's contributing to and is part of this household that she never lived in before. Routine is helpful, if you can give her a job that she does every day, or every meal, or the same day each week (will help her remember that it's Sunday, or whatever.) Have her straighten up the magazines in the LR, once a week, fill her weekly or monthly pill box (with you watching ), wipe the countertops after dinner, etc. Set her up for success, not failure. Simple things, that don't involve breakable things. My mom loves to carry things from the kitchen to the table when it's almost time to eat - the butter, the S/P shakers, the bread basket, etc. I also tell my mom that she's on vacation when she's at my house (she's lives in Memory Care Unit, but I bring her to my house for sleepovers every 2-3 weeks), and that she can relax, but still give her little things to do. She wants to help. She needs some sense of being productive and being in control, even just a little bit. Don't we all? haha! I feel like I've lost control myself! Good luck.

we all need a purpose no matter how old we are, however I would encourage her to do what she feels like doing!
Let her fold towels sitting if she wants to, or let her help with menus if she wants to...My Mom is 85 and takes care of herself for the most part, however I take her where she needs to go...

I'd say at 87 give her a break: she's already put in plenty of years of work and it's time to give her a little TLC. Expectations is something that should've been addressed before she was invited into your home. If they were not addressed before it's a little late now to start expecting her to contribute to labor. And it brings up the question of if she's able to do it on our own why is she living with you? Other questions would be: how functional is she? Does she havea physical disabilities? Does she have any cognitive disabilities? It would be reasonable to expect her to do what she can safely take care of in her own personal space. But have a heart she's 87 years old. It's time to show her some appreciation.

Yes, I agree. I try to leave things that my Mom can able for her to do. Even though it takes her a lot longer to do them than me it empowers her to try to do more. She will do something and I have to redo it when she is napping. I never tell her what she has done is wrong.

Hi! MiaMadre has excellent points to ponder, and I just want to encourage you in your new endeavor. Taking her in under your wing, your protection, is certainly taking on new challenges. Challenges that can seem insurmountable at times but when those times come, looking at those challenges from a different perspective may be the difference between discouragement and fulfillment. With that in mind, a flip side of your initial question might be, "What are or were my/our expectations of ourselves when we came into agreement that we would care for this person?" Knowing that when we have expectations of others (for which they more than likely don't realize) we inadvertently set them up to fail us. We moved in with my Dad, and I had expectations he would be grateful and that his heart would change. I didn't even know I had that expectation until months later when I had the reckoning with myself that his only foundation is himself...it is not rooted in the love of God or being able to give love to others. Part of my motive in helping him was to show him God's kind of love, that we are to honour our parents, to help them financially, care for their needs, and to fulfill a childhood need to have my parents approval. It was a growing day for me to realize my need might never happen. With this knowledge I am actually better able to care for him because I have taken myself out of the equation, and my being here is now truly making sure his end of life is as comfortable as possible without killing myself in the process. In order for most parents to live with their children, the parents have to go through a humbling experience. My Dad believes I should feel priveleged to be here, that he is doing us a favor...so he hasn't experienced that humbling moment, lol, and I can't expect him to. I can hope..but not expect. Normally though they are submitting themselves to you and giving up everything they have ever known before. Open communication and an open mind and heart are key. I'm still in the learning curve on this one! Hope this helps! :)

I don't see anything wrong with having them helping as they are able. Shellybelly is so right. Everybody needs to be needed. When Mom first moved in I didn't want her to do anything because she is always afraid of falling and her hands and feet and knees always hurt. But she dries the dishes and dusts. I always thank her and compliment her and she is very pleased with herself. This is funny, but she often bad-mouths me...I imagine her telling relatives that I force her to do all the housework...lol.