Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

I save the wash cloths from my clean laundry and let my mom fold them. I also save her shirts so that she is responsible for her stuff. I feel she is satisfied when she is done even if I have to fold them all over again. I also sit in front of her with a pad and pencil and ask her recipes (how did you make your potato soup?). She struggles but she feels special.

I sometimes give my 92 yr old mom a chore, like folding laundry. It makes her feel like she can still accomplish something. Although I refold them all after she is done she doesn't know I refold them.

My 93-year old mother who is afficted with Alzheimer's Disease enjoys helping her aide do the laundry. She likes to help loading the washer and dryer, folding the towels, etc. and helping to put the finished laundry away in her dresser or linen closet.

I also ask her to help me put the groceries away. She has a two-door refrigerator with the freezer on top. I've made a game out of putting the groceries away. As I take each item out of the shopping cart, I ask her whether it goes upstairs or downstairs. She enjoys being able to decide where each item belongs. Each correct answer provides me an opportunity lavish praise on her.

These activites are much more than busy work. They keep mom engaged and boost her self-esteem. She takes great pride in feeling useful. The takeaway lesson from all this I guess is that it's not how much your patient is contributing but rather that they are doing something that they can still handle. It's a matter of shifting our focus from ourselves to the person we are caring for.

Seven4real- your insight is really helpful. My MIL does ask often what she can do to help. I do think giving her things to do would be good. My issue is her insistence that EVERYTHING be done her way. She is not a nice or positive person and is very demanding. Her mood does improve if she has something to do. But, she will also completely takeover if you are not careful. For example, she wanted to clean the counters and the stoce. That is great, and she did a good job. Butt, in addition, she then rearranged our cupboards and where things go. I have been just quietly moving things back when she is done. She has thrown away things of mine that she considered useless (i.e. decorations as she never decorated her home). I had to pull things out of the trash and clean them. How do you strike a balance between encouraging them to help and letting them have total control?

My mom is in the middle of her battle with ALZ. Diagnosed in 2008. Her short term memory is about 3 seconds most of the time. She is physically able to do a lot. She herself has always been a caregiver and helper to anyone in her family that needed anything. She took care of her dad his last years, her MIL with ALZ, and her husband with pancreatic cancer up till the end. I remember her as always being strong, smart and capable. I know down deep she still thinks she is that person although she also knows she has lost a lot. She has lived with us now for 5 months, and I think taking one day at a time I have learned that anything my hubby and I can do to make her feel that she is still valued and needed is just giving back to her part of what she has lost. During the summer she helped with the outside gardening and weeding( she kept her own yard like a park). She always asks what can I do to help? I wash the clothes and she is the best folder ever. Sometimes she doesn't even recognize her own clothes but we get them in piles and she takes hers to her room
( sometimes they are hard to find again) but she has a sense of pride in doing her part. She goes to adult day care 2 or 3 times a week to give us a break and to give her something else to do. She hated it at first but when I told them that she would be happier if she thought she was helping someone else she would thrive. They put her to work. Now she works in the room with physically handicapped stroke victims and helps them get through the games and activities that they have. She thinks she now has a job (she tells us they want to hire her) and it has done wonders for her self esteem. Imagine how we would all feel without purpose or love, it is not enough to just have our needs met... it would be boring wouldn't it? I always explain to my 7 grown kids this when they complain about having to tell their children over and over again how to do a chore. "That is what a being a parent requires of you, 'Respectfully" repeat, reteach the principal till they get it and be "thankful" to them even if it is not perfect because they tried. Then when they are grown up (if you are lucky) they do it just like you taught them to and you are so surprised and gratified. Having a parent in your home is much like having a child to raise again, and you should aready know how to do it if you did it once shouldn't you? Be respectful, of your parent,always thankful and enjoy some of the funny stuff cause there is always lots of that. They are going to get frustrated and frazzled and confused and yes even angry. We may be looking at ourselves down the road so lets hope whoever gets us will do as good of a job with us as we do with our loved one.

I don't believe that you should expect unless she is willing to help at her age.
It would be good therapy for her to participate to some degree but she will most definately need your encouragement, patience & praise when she does help.
Most Seniors are very fragile & do need respect .
After all, remember she lived her life doing for others.
Best wishes.

My mom loves to sweep our deck and driveway. Autumn is a great time because she constantly keeps the leaves and acorns swept up. Its great exercise and she gets fresh air. She is is moderately good shape, so I try to leave certain things undone around the house so she can do them. She irons my work uniforms, goes to the end of the driveway to get the mail from the mailbox, and feeds/ waters our animals. I used to be afraid for her to do the outside work because of chance of falling, etc. Somewhere along the way I figured out that she is so much happier when doing something, we don't deny her this. We just try to keep a close eye on her while she is doing her work!

Yes, but with her condition you will have to be selective of what she can and cannot do.

Does your mother-in-law have any physical limits? If so, then you have to start from there. Is she in a wheelchair? Does she still drive or like to drive to run errands? She can get the mail (in good weather...no snow or ice), help prepare meals and meal planning, grocery shopping (they have electric carts w/baskets attached), vacuuming (no stairs), dusting w/a long handled duster, doing laundry (again no stairs to basement). Just simple things to help out around the house. After all she is 87....how much work do you want out of her??? Remember with age comes experience and rank hath its privileges so elderly people are good "supervisors" of all household projects!!!
Ask your mother-in-law what SHE would like to do and then make up a schedule accordingly.
Plan family outings to a favorite restrauant, sports event, movie theater, zoo, ballet etc. Maybe something you all haven't done in awhile. Fun experiences = good memories.

If she has been physically capable of doing things prior to the loss, it probably has a good deal to do with it that she is not motivated. Maybe to begin with, try taking together and tell her how you appreciate her help as it is hard for you too.....

I agree that folding laundry is the best way to get her engaged. If you bring the laundry to them and they can do it sitting down it isn't as much of a burden on them. Just accept the job she does and let her take as much time as she needs to do it. My mom is methodical, it takes her forever!!! She folds shirts, I hang them but that's okay, I wait until she is done and then hang them up after she has focused on something else.

I also have purchased a dust mop which is hers to use on our wood floors. Whenever she asks can I do something I hand her the dust mop and she does the job!!!

This keeps her out of my hair and allows her to feel useful.

Your last sentence is why I have ignored her thus far. She would argue the color of the sky. Witch is a very diplomatic word. My husband supports me. We are both just struggling on the boundary thing. I think I will politely suggest some of these things she can do herself. I am also stopping the wild goose chases she sends us on. She is very particular. I have been to multiple stores to get the exact brand she wants. This weekend I got a blanket she wanted that was exactly the brand/ store she asked for, only to have her reject it as the wrong color. I did not react and left it for her. She can be cold or she can use the blanket I bought. We are not a hotel.

Mywits end would ignoring her doing any good or just calmly saying if you are doing something for her you will do it her way or maybe not doing what she critizises you about and let her do it herself-she needs boundaires-you should not be going crazy in your own home start with baby steps and if she can do a chore herself lke doing her own laundry let her-where is your husband in all of this-mine always supported his dear mother who was a witch but she never was brought into our home if she had I would have been out guickly. She loved to argue so I never got into that with her just ignored her.

I think we are so lucky to have our senior center and everyone there mostly make friends with others so they are not alone.

Ok. Same situation, but my MIL wants us to do everything - her way. I suppose she feels her contribution is telling us that we are doing it wrong. This is driving me crazy. I try not letting it get to me, but when it happens multiple times a day, and the advice is mostly nonsense, it gets on my nerves. For example, her bread has to be cut and toasted a certain way, her laundry must be done a certain way, we run the dishwasher wrong, and on and on and on. Maybe giving her something to do would help.

Something that has helped my mother in the past is being with other older adults at senior programs. She then thinks of them as old, and finds common ground with them. Mom is an old 78, mostly because of environment, grief from losing a son to cancer at a young age, and living with an emotionally abusive husband who's gotten softer at age 81 with his own health issues. So, if possible, it may help lift her depression to see that she's not alone in her journey.

Depends on how agile she is and does she want too? Sometimes mom wants to help and other times, no dice. She squirted dish liquid in my dishwasher, so I did ban her from that. You sort of just always have to be watching. As mentioned before, folding clothes is fine and she is good at it. Good luck!

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Yes, it looks like everyone here agrees with me, encourage her to help. Also, ask her to put together memories of her husband. Maybe even interview her about him. I'm sure she would like to talk about him. On the other hand, my mom wanted to get rid of my dad's things and live in the moment after he passed away. She let us know that pretty quickly. She got all of the kids to try on his jackets. If they weren't interested, out the clothes went to Goodwill. Ask her what she wants to do. Ask her to help. Give her things to do and at times, let her have a list and let it go. Once in a while ask her if she did the things on the list. My 92 yr old mom is managing a huge garden overhaul, she ordered a lock smith for one of her doors and reviewed the details of a big list of car repairs with the mechanic. I think it's really important to assume the best and just keep a small eye to what might go wrong, but really give them as much responsibility as they will assume. They could be tremendously helpful and happy to do it! It will give you something to compliment and maybe even some laughs. (I mean we might not always like Joan Rivers humor, but boy is she out there living life fully!!) There are many examples of people who take off after the loss of a spouse. We say the women who do that blossom!

Had to share this reminded me of a cute story that happened at the nursing home where I work. A restless woman with dementia was up all night and causing a scene. We asked her if she could please help us "fold towels" for the others living there. She happily agreed. When she finished we would take them behind the counter unfold them and give them back to her since it was keeping her occupied. Finally after the 3rd time we handed her the stack she yelled at us "aren't you LAZY girls gonna do ANYTHING". Just priceless.

My mother is 85 and contributes what she feels she can. She has some health issues but not major. She usually empties the dishwasher and the laundry. If your mother-in-law is able, ask her to help - it will do two things - make her feel useful and also will help learn how things are done in your house - such as where things go. It is VERY important to make our older parents feel useful and not like they are a burden!

Keeping her busy might help.
Ask her if she will help you fold clothes while you reminisce good old times.
Talking about those times and laughing (and maybe crying) is what she needs.
Do things together. Do you like to bake? maybe she will ice the cake. Or ask her for her favorite recipes. If she has friends/siblings, invite them over for coffee.
She if probably just feeling lonely. Good luck

I would ask her what she would like to help with. My Mom at 84 was still doing my dishes, ironing my husbands shirts and folding clothes, and hanging up clothes on the clothes line. These are things she always did at home. I still tease her that if she gets bored in the nursing home, I am going to bring in the ironing board and shirts, and give her something to do. :-) Even with Alzheimers, they want something to do. No matter how old they are, they want to feel needed, give her something to do.......

If she is able to do thing yes i would for sure give her something to do like dishes or the wash. Even if she could push the vacuum I would let her do that as well. Because she has been doing these thing all her life and now she might feel like she lost everything now. So I know after my dad died my mom did the same thing she felt lost so we gave her things to do like taking the kids to school and it helped us and made her feel good. So I would say yes yes yes to give her a job.

If she is doing the laundry and working in the yard what more do you expect from her-I am 72 and the laundry and working in the yard would be enough for me to handle in a day-maybe she works better by herself.

I am living with my mom who is 79. She contributes by doing the laundry. She enjoys working in the yard. I have been trying to get her to help with cleaning up the house and I always get in a fight. She thinks that I am saying that she is not doing enough and she will bring up that she raised three kids, worked full time job and took care of a home. Since it is just me, I was trying to get us to work together. She is not willing to work together with me to make the load easier. I do agree with you that love is important to fill her life with. She definitely needs it.

Or course you can expect that. Unless, of course, she has certain medical and physical limitations that prevent her from doing so.
She needs to feel useful as we all do. Your question seems somewhat loaded with something unsaid. Are you feeling somewhat put upon or taken advantage of? It is ok to say how you feel; you need to do that in order to get past it and do something constructive to change it. How DO you feel about her being there?

Have her snip off some green beans out back

Lots of helpful pointers here. I support the idea of falling back on interests cultivated over the years. Perhaps there may be a way to trigger something.

One other thing I would like to add..If there is any way that you can make a room that is JUST hers, that will make her more comfortable especially if you can get some of the things she misses and put them in HER room..anything of hers..then it will help. We no longer have my MIL living with us, but when she was here, we only had a dining room that could be hers, I amazed myself when I was able to let my things go out in storage and set the room up like a little apartment for her, with her own t.v. and her personal things, I even was able to make a curtain to seperate the dining area from the other parts of the house and it really did turn out well for her, she became more independent and was very happy when I told her to consider this her own apartment and she was happier and she had her pictures set around and things she liked...It was also good for my husband and myself too...we all had some privacy with a content MIL...Good luck...but if she continues to be depressed...get her to a doctor so she can at least start to feel better mentally...elderly get depressed and it can make them go down hill faster...If you see her mental state getting worse, I found out when I had my MIL that it also can be urinary or even a sinus infection that can make it seem as though she alzheimers or a stroke...so keep an eye out for any changes...it could be as simple as getting an antibiotic to bring her mind back...may sound crazy...but it is true...I learned from the doctor that a simple Urinary Tract Infection can cause alot of mental issues in the elderly....so just take care and try to learn as much as you can about things you see or hear her do and you will make all of your lives better..God Bless