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My 93 year old mother has been angry and resentful AND jealous towards me my whole adult life. Shes nasty and mean. I mean NASTY. She never told me why. She lives with my 97 year old father whom I talk to but she won't allow Me to visit him in their apt and he is submissive to her and doesn't want to upset her! He tells me he loves me but she won't let me see him. Whenever i ask him to see me he says he will, soon and he doesnt wanna upset my mom!!!! I haven't seen him in 20 years. I feel helpless. My brother is POA and he's a money grabbing arrogant prick who sides w my mom. I called the police in their neighborhood last week to do a wellness check cause mom was answering his cell phone when i called him and she hung up on me.. the police said my dad was ok. They also said my mother told them she did not know who I was!!! She's furious with me that I called the cops to do a wellness ck. My brother sent me an email that it alarmed and frightened her. He told me to cease all communication with both of them and just wait till I hear from my dad. 😥what should I do? I don't have thousands to get an expensive attorney . I'm just afraid my dad will pass and no one will tell me.....

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If Dad has not stood up against Mom by now he isn’t going to . Don’t bang your head against a wall .

Live your life .
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BurntCaregiver Apr 14, 2024
Amen to that, way.
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Has your Dad been housebound for decades? Is reliant on your Mother for mobility & transport?

Otherwise I cannot understand why an adult could not arrange to visit another adult of their choice outside their home.

Why your Dad could not come visit you at your home? Go out for lunch, meet in a local cafe?

It seems pointless to me to demonise only the mother when both parents appear to have abandonded a close relationship with you.
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Debuddy Apr 14, 2024
My dad is full of excuses. He's 97 and always has a medical problem. I live in Dutchess County 100 miles from them. They live in manhattan. They still live in their 10 room coop apt and have aides p.time. My brother told me to stop calling my father and not to call my mother which I don't anyway and that he said my father will contact me. I have no hope about this. It's just very sad
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My parents pretty much abandon me when I left my husband, ten years or so ago. I kept contact with them. Visited once a month or so tried to keep some communication going.

Honestly looking back I never should have, I should have just walked away. At the time I thought it was my father. I thought my mother was doing my father's biding. Then my father died and I started helping my mom.

Well I have figured out since it wasn't my father, my mother is a rather mean nasty person. who I put on a pedistool, and thought oh this poor women, has to put up with this mean nasty man.

So anyways now I'm in this position where I'm not sure who the bad guy was or is. Maybe I took things out on my dad ,when it really was my mom.
End all be all , it really doesn't matter who treated me very poorly and who was behind it. Looking back I should of just walked away because they are both very mentally unwell. And now I'm in this caregiving stuff for mom.

Honestly take my advice just walk away, I have a feeling your dad isn't as wonderful as you may think and your mom isn't as horrible as you may think.

They are both very emotionally unhealthy and not good for you.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you
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waytomisery Apr 14, 2024
I agree . Things are not always how they appear . My DH regrets taking on POA and looking after his Dad in AL the two years before his death . During that time his father made it perfectly clear that he preferred his step family .

The second wife did make it difficult to visit . After her death my DH was hoping for a better relationship with his Dad. It did not happen . I wasn’t surprised , but DH had hopes.
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I think the best place for you is about minimum 1,000 miles away from these folks, don't you agree?

Your father has chosen to spend a lifetime with this woman.
I repeat. Your father has CHOSEN THIS WOMAN OVER YOU.
You have called the police.
What possible use do you imagine an attorney could be to you even if you could afford one?

You are now an adult.
It is time now to claim your own life, and to take responsibility for what your own life will be.
If 20 years of this isn't enough, there are certainly more years of it left for you to claim.
It is your choice.
It is your responsibility.
I suggest a good cognitive therapist to help you learn new ways of living and how to break old habits.
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Anxietynacy Apr 14, 2024
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Your dad long ago made a choice to be right where he is, and yes, you are helpless in this. It’s truly sad that it can’t be different or better. I hope you’ve built a family to replace the one that is lost
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My father passed away about a year ago. He was married to my mom for 27 years before they divorced. My mom was controlling and verbally abusive too. A few years ago, I asked him why he put up with my mom’s behavior all those years. He said that he remained quiet because if he said anything it would be like adding fuel to the fire. Then a few years later he married another woman who was similiar to my mom , which tells me that he must like to be in relationships like that. He always chose his wives over me. It is important to recognize that your dad made the choice and to protect your feelings. Also take care of yourself.
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Debuddy Apr 14, 2024
Thank u I'm trying to take care of myself . I get sad about this. I ve been told to try to " forgive" her. That way I dont swallow the anger daily.
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I'm so sorry about your situation. My mother was all of the things you mentioned, but I couldn't cut off contact with her because she controlled my father 100%. If I called and wanted to talk to my father she put it on speakerphone so she could hear every word. Dad tried when I was still a kid, but he learned that he had to appease her and knew everything would have to go through her or there would be HELL to pay. So my only thought if you want to see your Dad, just show up with a gift for *her* and try to say what she wants to hear, even if you don't mean it. You have to be manipulative to manage her and your brother, because she obviously has controlled him and they're playing on the same team. I hope someone else who has been in this situation can give you some other ideas. This is a sickening no win situation for you and I'm so sorry you're having to go through it. The poisonous potstirring and blaming and criticizing and shaming and cruelty Mom inflicted on me marked me for life. And the worst part is that I feel guilty for saying anything bad about her even if it's the truth.
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MargaretMcKen Apr 14, 2024
Perhaps you need more practice in 'saying anything bad about her'. Find a way to do it, over and over again, even if it's only to write it out on this site. Do it until it's the new normal and you DON'T feel 'guilty' about it. You don't need to pay a therapist to do this, just do it, out loud, and listen to what you say.
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You say you haven't seen your father for 20 years. Your father wasn't 97 years old all those years ago. He could have seen you if he wanted to. I know it must be hard for you to hear, but if your father wanted to see you over the last 20 years, he would have.

At least you talk to him and he tells you he loves you. That will have to be enough. From what you're saying here, your father chose a long time ago to let himself to become your mother's neutered lap dog.
That's not your fault and as hard as this may be to hear, it's not your brother's fault either.

You should make an attempt at some calm, adult communication with your brother because the two of you will have to work together. You'll have to put all the mutual animosity aside for your father's sake. Your mother probably has dementia if she told the cops she doesn't know who you are. If your brother has told you to hold off on communicating with either of them for while, do that because he's the guy in charge. Communicate with him because it certainly sounds to me like he may be planning to get them both placed in a care facility.

Do you have other family who can tell you what's going on? If you do, then reach out to them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this because it's sad when this happens in families.

Try reaching out to your brother though.
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Debuddy Apr 14, 2024
I tried breaking the ice with my brother. It's a LOST CAUSE. I appreciate all your helpful comments tho. My brother can do no wrong. Ever. I don't talk to him. I haven't in 20 years seen him. My brother has poa and he sent me an email that when the police came to do a welfare check on my father she was frightened and alarmed ..and that is was" injurious" to their wellbeing. Really???? If she won't let me talk to my 97 yr old dad and just hangs on me I have no idea how he is!! She's not playing w a full deck. Seems a lawyer is a waste of time. He is her lap dog. He's a submissive man. It's sad. Also, my dad told me many times that she becomes hysterical , could become violent, and walks out on him when he's talking. 3 days ago he denied ever saying that!!! APS won't go there if my dad just bullshits them and says nothings wrong. Right? Thank u. Deb
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Your mom has your dad programmed. He’s running on autopilot.

I’m so sorry that you haven’t been able to see your dad.

Maybe the best thing you can do is to continue to communicate with him over the phone.

I doubt that you will get anywhere with your brother. He seems to be very selfish towards you and your dad.

Your mother isn’t interested in your father having a relationship with you. How very sad.

Wishing you peace.
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Debuddy, you may be beginning to see clearer, or look at things a new way.

"He's nasty and I haven't had a relationship w him for 25 years."

"APS won't go there if my dad just bullshits them and says nothings wrong. Right?"

I think some FOG is lifting off you.

(Google F.O.G. if you are not familiar with this term). Fear of what happens to your Father, Obligation to see him, Guilt when speaking of your Mother. It's all there.

https://outofthefog.website/
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Debuddy Apr 17, 2024
THank u ill check it out!
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