She was living alone for the las 35yrs until she fell, fractured some ribs, and bumped her head. She was in rehab for 3 weeks and being unable to live alone and no residual finances, we took her in. Ever since she has been living with us, my household has been crazy. Mom has never been the nicest person to live with and now her "shenanigans" are magnified three fold. She picks on me and my 2 grown daughters constantly, wearing us down as if we were maids. Hubby tries to ignore her but even he gets flustered and tells her to stop. Right now working at home due to COVID-19 has put me in her sights to call me constantly, make un necessary noise when my 2yr old grandson is sleeping, accused my 27yr old daughter of taking a miniature bottle of lotion off her dresser (not true) and has told my family members that she "hates me". She has only been here for over a month. but it is like living with the devil's advocate!
We are a Christian family and are trying very hard to deal with her negativeness, but the struggle is real!
I try not to get into arguments with her, but "the flesh is weak" and I end up giving her a piece of my mind.....as respectfully as possible.
We are at our wits end!
Any TIA/brain bleed? This could cause behaviour change. Or delerium?
Cracked ribs are a risk for pneumonia/chest infection - which is a risk for delerium too.
The accusations can also be short term memory problems. Have you noticed this before the fall? Or just after?
What does the Doctor say about returning home once the ribs have healed? Is that an option? Maybe with some in-home carers visiting?
But life is a full spectrum - lots of shades of colour: there are many personalities, many situations & more than one way to do things.
Taking on the responsibility of being a hands-on caregiver is caring & has value. So does arranging care services. So does paying to obtain a coordinator to arrange the care for another. So does finding the right home environment for a loved one.
People have their own values & life experiences to shape them. Differing viewpoints can expand our thinking. Otherwise we are all on our high horses living in black & white.
It might be helpful for OP to sit down with mother and ask her how she is coping living with the family. What does she like, what would she like to be different. Discuss the options if mother’s wish list can’t happen. Then do the same from your own point of view. Discuss the options if your own wish list doesn’t happen. One of those options will be that mother moves into care as soon as possible if she can’t meet your needs (and needs include not bad-mouthing you to the rest of the family). It may be that you can make some changes when you go through her wish list. She needs to know that she needs to deal with your wish list unless she intends to leave ASAP. This approach treats both points of view with respect, including the respect inherent in ‘honoring thy father and thy mother’.
I spent 10 years full time caring for my own mother (one of the two I mentioned having recently invited to live with me, despite my own health condition). She has a brain injury with severe impairment and requires full time care. I’ve been bitten, and vomited on and dealt with the heartache of caring for not just my own mother but multiple others - who do not fully appreciate or even understand that I’m trying to help. MyCrossToBear is welcome to message me directly if this forum allows it- for a more in depth and specific conversation on my experienceS in caring for her and her experience being cared for, an element missed in her description of her mother’s situation.
I typically refrain from more specific information (such as the above) due to my family’s privacy concerns but for this situation you chose to grab my brothers ‘bump on the head’- in actuality I mentioned multiple family members,
besides my mother’s example, who have had brain injuries with afflictions ranging from auto accidents to comas, to even cancer, who despite their differences in type and severity ALL have similarly been affected in terms of their inhibitors- as she mentioned the her mother’s “bump on the head”, as she indicated she lived alone until then and it’s only been a month - we just don’t know. We don’t know how her mother has been affected, and thrust into a very different environment after her injury, it sounds like she isn’t entirely sure either. There certainly hasn’t been enough time if it’s been less than a year, as none of the individuals I personally know were properly evaluated in that time. At her age, it’s quite likely medical prof would not bother at all without prompting from the family.
Affected inhibitors are just one aspect (alcohol affects the brain similarly) to address. Individuals who suffer ANY form of brain injury (including mild concussion) TYPICALLY go on to suffer sensory impairments, ranging from mild to severe and SPD is also required reading for anyone in her situation. There’s research & eval to be completed here.
A discussion with her mother absolutely would help- asking about her experiences, understanding the difficulties her mother has encountered in going from living alone to living with people, the loss of her independence & reassuring her place in her new home are all a must. But any conversation must not only begin in a place of respect but also in recognition of her age, physical, and mental condition. IF mother is miraculously not affected by these, she a) would be responding rationally, b) would be living alone, &c) would be an excep. example of a 90yr old! analogies aside, MCTB holds all the power in this dynamic, ‘do X or get out’ is entirely unfair- &shes quite likely incapable (ie not her fault, ie unfair to even ask) of doing what she’s asking.
But as I said, anyone who suggests assisted living is completely unaware of its reality. For perspective, a full FIFTH of the dead from covid are in assisted living facilities. It’s a threat to send her to hell.
- department of rehabilitation services has a program to provide homemakers and caregivers who will come to your home, who can help (although it may have to wait until after lockdown),
-multiple agencies provide assistance with care, finances, cleaning, etc.
-many churches and mosques have programs to provide assistance (regardless of your beliefs)
-besides what I said previously, regarding her doctor through an eVisit, there are many apps for older people with memory and logic challenges, one I know of was dev by the University of Cambridge for example, and they range from keeping her occupied to helping her memory
-please please please read my other comments and replies, reading your post I instantly thought of how badly your mother must be feeling, how off her processing must be- for her to act this way.
As background, as mentioned in my previous comments, I a parent to children with special needs, I am also disabled and have cared for family when I was healthy in their homes and for strangers in nursing homes and despite right now not being healthy I very recently invited two family members who need care into my home after seeing they were being mistreated elsewhere. I have no idea how we will make it work, but I’m confident ‘we will figure it out.’
good luck!
Refreshingly, then, there is no need to rehearse the old baby vs. elder caregiving argument. The mother's wellbeing itself seems to demand a different option.
in the meantime- try to see from her perspective, I realize she’s being illogical but understand her concerns are real to her. A bump to the head could interfere with basic inhibitors (imagine if you just blurted everything without thinking or regret). That’s just a start...
This video and others like it may help.
https://www.understandtogether.ie/news-and-events/news/video-aims-to-show-what-dementia-feels-like.html
A plan is not praying. A plan is putting in place the steps for moving her out and into her own place, whether that's at an ALF or senior living community. Start finding places now so that when the lockdown is over, you can move her out.
At the moment with the lockdown there is little option but to keep her in your home. I would advise her though that if she does not start to treat you and your family with respect and be grateful that you took her in, once lockdown is lifted you will be putting her in a care home.
Being a Christian and honoring your parents is not the same as putting up with their nastiness, I call honoring our parents as ensuring that they are safe,fed and have somewhere to live.
Sometimes we have to teach people how to treat us. Do not give in to her demands,do not engage with her when she is mean,ignore her and tell her when she starts to behave you will speak with her again. Demand that she respects you and your family in your home.
She is scared, she is old and has lost her independence and taking it out on you as I suspect she knows you won’t abandon her.
But she is also a guest in your home and must be reminded of this, if she doesn’t like it I’m sure there are plenty of assisted living places she can go.
This woman has just as little control over her words, actions, and need for care as that child. But you would hold them more responsible, label them ‘toxic’ simply because they are in a larger body?
You respond this way because you view them as an adult who can appropriately respond to a ‘demand’ for respect, but the writer has made it clear this individual lacks the ability to logically weigh events and respond appropriately- it is the core of their dilemma. Once you remove that element, the ONLY way forward is clear. They have in their care someone who regardless of age:
-is NOT responsible for their actions
-is [therefore] unable to process potential negative consequences
-is confined by their affliction to act the way they do (just as a paraplegic cannot walk- any hope for change begins with their Doctor)
-is incapable of acting maliciously (her reactions and behavior come from her own place of misunderstanding and pain, not from a desire to cause pain for others)
-is incapable of controlling or altering their level of need
-is [therefore] an innocent just as much as a newborn babe
It doesn’t matter, or at least it shouldn’t, that this ‘newborn babe’ is as tall as she is or who weigh as much; not that this ‘Innocent’ is one with a full vocabulary. It shouldn’t matter their age, nor if they are family or a stranger on the street, they are still deserving of our compassion, patience, and love.
That said- they ARE family. Not a ‘guest in their home’- family. And not just any family, it’s their parent, and that does make one big difference.
Parents are the ones who sacrifice- evenings out, having more time and spending money, intimacy with their partners, life without the worry over their children and their safety and well being. They sacrifice their lives spent in midnight feedings, diaper changes, in helping with homework and teaching them to drive. They hurt when their child says I hate you, over some petty thing they will never think of again; they over late nights and help them through their mistakes. They sacrifice missed experiences and opportunities, kneeling at bedsides to teach them to live well and to reassure them through nightmares and illness - that they are safe, they are loved, they are wanted, and that they will never be abandoned because of those needs.
Its what any typical Parent gives. Any typical adult child should be willing to do the same.
***To the writer MyCrossToBear***
Faith challenges. Vanity rationalizes. You are being challenged to give selflessly. To forgive without anger, to see your mother in the same light in which we view our newborn babes. Don’t give in to the desire to rationalize abandonment.
In your post, you discuss your feelings and experiences, and your daughter’s- but you don’t mention your mother’s? You didn’t include any thoughts on what her experience has been like? Despite age and the bump on the head you mentioned, what have you done/can you do - to help her feel safe and secure? To reassure her that she is NOT a guest, but that she is in HER OWN home, & should feel everyone there is on her team, to help her however they can?
Of course she said she hates you- not because she hates who you are but because she must hate her situation! What it must take to surrender that much pride, to need someone and be someplace where you know/feel you aren’t wanted?
If you had a new baby, your 2yr old would learn to sleep through the crying. Or you would bring him to your bed to sleep and cope. Even if you haven’t said anything, she must feel as though she is being reprimanded for actions and events she cannot control. It’s easy to see demons everywhere if you feel you are being demonized yourself.
There are board and care facilities, assisted living facilities, nursing homes and senior housing.
A needs assessment would help you know which ones are truly options for her based on the care she requires. If this didn't happen when she was in rehabilitation then you should contact your local area on aging and request an assessment. This probably won't happen until things open up. But it gives you the ability to schedule and find out what is available for her.
Have you and your daughters tried telling her to stop? I would sit down with everyone and lay down some rules for everyone in the home.
I personally think that you should be noisy when a child is sleeping, it teaches them to sleep through noise, too quiet and they wake up at every sound. Just my personal experience and opinion. So that behavior doesn't bother me.
Accusations can be addressed and let her know that nobody remembers taking it, but you can replace the item.
Her telling others that she hates you, ouch. I would have a private conversation and find out what that is about and acknowledge that she is entitled to her feelings, but in your house you don't entertain hate by speaking those words out loud and you can tell her that she needs to stop verbalizing it.
Telling your parents that their behavior is unacceptable and inappropriate is okay to do. Do it in a calm, peaceful way that isn't challenging, just matter of fact.
Does she understand why she is not at home? I would make sure that she knows that she is at your house because of the doctors orders. I would include her in the alternative solutions that meet her care needs.
Getting old and losing control of your life is a really good reason to be upset, taking it out on the people trying to help you is not a good idea. But the whole taking it out on the ones closest to us is real. So help her find peace with the reality of her life. You are obviously not a good solution, but you can be a good advocate for her.
Best of luck finding a peaceful environment until a different solution can be implemented.
if you welcomed a new sibling, your 2 year old would have to sleep with a crying child and awake parents, noise in the house would be uncontrollable- and she quite likely would accept it and look for solutions, rather than being angry or irritated that her new baby was making noise. (Or with the 2year old for waking up).
the same approach should apply in this situation. Don’t get mad at either party, it will serve no purpose and can’t be helped. Look for solutions like white noise or music to help cover sounds and remember snuggles always seem to work to help someone little find their way back to dreamland.
I can reassure you that odds are good that you (and your children) will survive your mother’s “shenanigans” as you put it. Your mother on the other hand, is likely not to survive it- she probably only has a few years left. Make them the best they can be for her. good luck MCTB. God Bless.
Good advice JoAnn!
You mention that you are a Christian. I pray that your faith will bring you enlightenment and comfort, which is a component of all faiths. Being a believer does not mean that we are anyone’s doormat. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we place ourselves in harms way.
You are the only one that can assess this situation. We do not know your mom. I do know that it is hard to live with others at any point in time but surely our current crisis is making this more of a challenge.
When you feel the time is right, you will have to discuss if it is feasible for your mom to continue living in your home. Sometimes there is no way it will work.
I would like for you to remember this. Please know that you did everything that you could and it just didn’t work. You did not fail.
Trust me, I understand. I was in your shoes. It didn’t work out. I felt like a failure. These lovely posters on this site along with a good therapist told me that I did not fail. You have no idea how much that helped me to heal and move forward.
Take care, focus on what is best for everyone involved and be at peace with your decision.
To play devil's advocate for a moment. Your mother lived alone for 35 years. Then things started going not so well. Now she finds herself living in the middle of what sounds like a pretty lively multi-generational household.
It's not only you youngsters who must be undergoing a certain amount of culture shock :)
This is an absolutely dreadful time for any family to have to work out practical solutions - you can't visit anywhere, you can't consult anyone, you can barely have a rational conversation out there! - but start thinking in those terms. What living situation is going to suit an older lady who is VERY used to her own company, and to life on her own terms?
The thing is, she may have no residual finances but she is nonetheless an economic unit in her own right. So whatever supported housing or facilities are available to elderly ladies who don't have families to drive round the bend/look after them are equally available to her. Do some research in your area. Just find out. The finding out might be a relief all on its own.
Bear in mind, when it comes to conflict, that she's as miserable as you are. Makes it easier to step out the room and let arguments go.
My mother is negative 100% of the time, so I know what it feels like to deal with someone like that. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living right now, and has been in a care environment since 2014 because living with me is NOT an option. But her money is running out for private pay in January, and I'll be applying for Medicaid to get her into a nursing home. You may want to look into doing that for your mother. Your immediate family has to come first; the well being of you, your husband and children/grandchildren who live in your home.
Best of luck!
Saying "we'll try to deal with it" isn't a plan. Even if it was, it's not working. You know already that her acting up will not stop or slow down. It will get worse as she ages. 90 years is indeed old, but she could live another 5-10 years. Can you handle that?
If she has no money, are you the one paying for her food, meds, doctor bills, and whatever else she needs? If so, that can't keep going. Your family comes first. It's not up to you to run yourself into the ground-- physically, emotionally, or financially.
Please don't live with the "pray and maybe we'll get through it" mentality. This site is full of people who felt the same and they're likely going to die before their elder. They are that worn down. And it doesn't take long.
Sorry - you did say, just over one month?