What should you do if you learn a family member has been keeping information from others and those decisions will likely hasten death?

Hospice would have not excepted Mom so Dad could have respite care. She had to be terminal with approx 6 months to leave. People have lived longer than 6 months. The reason why anti-psychotics are used is because the person is hallucinating and those hallucinations are causing distress and anxiety. Morphine is used for pain and to ease breathing. Anxiety meds are given to keep the person calm. Food and water are not denied but if the person is actively dying, trying to give food and water do more harm than good. The body is shutting down. The first sign is the person can no longer swallow.

There is not enough medication given to overdose someone. Better sedated than to be in constant pain.

Was the person who helped make decisions the Medical POA? Is Dad not able to make informed decisions in ur mothers care? I would think the Hospice Nurse explained everything to Dad and the other person. Hospice is comfort care. The person should feel no pain or anxiety. If sleeping all the time helps them transition to a peaceful death then so be it.

My Mom was in a NH when she passed. Two weeks before her death she closed her eyes. She was aware of her surroundings but would not open her eyes. Then she would not get out of her bed so I said "leave her there". Six days before her death I was told she could not swallow and Hospice was called in. I have no idea what was given to her in way of medication. All I know is every time I visited she was lying there breathing easily and in no discomfort. Her last day my nephew and I visited and left about 12:30pm. She was pronounced dead 20 min later. She was 89 and suffered from Dementia the last 6 yrs of her life.

I think it may help to talk to the Social Worker associated with Hospice. You may be blaming someone who made the correct decisions.

This story is missing so many details that who knows what's going on. It's like pulling teeth to get the details.

If the one person holds power of attorney for medical decisions, then yes, they can make the decision unilaterally. Perhaps they realized that medical-decision-by- committee wasn't the best way to help your mother in her final days/hours and didn't want the drama of everyone having hysterics and arguing about the decisions going on around Mom. Someone has to be captain of the ship, and if the other sailors are going to mutiny and not be helpful, then I can't say I blame your sibling/person/whoever we're talking about for making the decision alone.

I’ve been through some of the same issues with a parent who, along with his oncologist, chose hospice. I had nothing to do with it and only learned of it when the oncologist called me and told me that dad was going to sign the papers. It was his life and his death, and his family including me supported his decision. Except for Aunt, his sister. She was positive he’d never choose hospice and that I must have forced him into it. She went around telling everyone that this was the case. She was angry that no one had told her before he did it. On and on, and then she said she no longer trusted me and started saying I’d stolen his money too. I was devastated on all fronts. None of what she said was true. The point is that sometimes people get their panties in a twist at such emotional times. And no caregiver has the time or the right to run around to every family member and explain about the day’s bowel movements or the drugs the patient is taking or not taking. Or to discuss the difficult and very private decisions that must be made. No one should be made a scapegoat, and no one should resent being kept out of the loop. Caregiving is so hard, it’s enough to deal with without trying to anticipate every family member’s perceptions, hurt feelings, or what they might do when offended. Just let it be. Let it play out. We all do the best we can.

Just for clarification, which family member has been withholding/had withheld information from the rest of you in regards to hospice care for - I am assuming - your mom? Who was it who told you that they were being brought in for "respite only"?

Were you expecting/hoping to have a voice in the hospice decision? Because, if your mom was capable of making the decision on her own, that is/was her right.

My mom *chose* hospice, and all of the medical decisions that implied, including cessation of life saving procedures and given pain medication at the end, even if it hastened death. She not only agreed to hospice, she was actively involved in the decision-making process, AND she had expressed her desire for pain management (even at the price of hastening her death) at the end of life in both a living will, and the opening statement of her trust documentation.

Was your mom cognitively able to make the decision about hospice? If not, was it dad who decided? Did hospice have a meeting with family members when mom was enrolled in the program, and if so, were you there when hospice went over all of their rules and philosophies? When my mother was accepted, we had a 2 hour meeting with the intake nurse, who went over everything with us and answered any questions. They explained everything in detail and left no questions unanswered, and they were very upfront about comfort medication at the end. Did anyone do that with mom and/or whomever it was who decided to accept hospice services on her behalf?

Who was it who administered/is administering these medications to your mom? Because, with the exception of Tylenol, I was the one who gave my mom ALL of the EOL comfort medications at the end. I had absolute control over when and how much to give. So if anyone overmedicated my mother, it was me, not hospice.

I'm very sorry if you feel as though you have had no say in your mom's treatment, but if this has been mom's decision (or dad's, if mom can't make the decision on her own anymore) I think you need to respect that decision, even if you don't like it or don't agree with it. My mother's sister gave me grief about my mother choosing hospice, and I told her that, while I understood her feelings, I was supporting my mom's decision to do what she felt was best *for her*, and the best way for my aunt to honor her sister and show her love was to do the same.

Daughter, is this a parent who has been admitted to hospice, and a sibling who kept that information from you?

I don't see any 'shaming' going on here. Just you being told to ask questions and find out for yourself what's going on with hospice!

"As an immediate family member, you can ask to speak to the social worker in charge of your mom's case and ask all the questions you want. Perhaps that'll help you understand better what's actually going on."

Hospice doesn't 'kill' people or hasten death; they keep patients comfortable while nature takes its course.

It's also a good idea to remember this: hospice can be fired at any time, ANY TIME, and your parent can be brought to the hospital.

It boggles my mind how people don't understand how hospice works. When each of my parents began hospice care (different companies), I was given a folder full of information AFTER a lengthy meeting with their admissions person. I didn't have a single question left unanswered by the end of those meetings.

As an immediate family member, you can ask to speak to the social worker in charge of your mom's case and ask all the questions you want. Perhaps that'll help you understand better what's actually going on.

That's one of the things that was not shared. We all agreed to only bring in hospice as part of respite care for dad to help him in taking care of mom at home since dad can't do it all and we all can't be there 24/7. At some point there was a decision and consent to begin all anti-psychotics and opioids. Is it too late to do anything now. There was no discussion about this shift.

Is the patient on hospice?