First I want to thank all who have answered my questions over the year. You have been so helpful and kind and I will be forever grateful.
Father passed away this week at 96 years old. We are having the funeral out of state. Few family and friends will attend the small graveside service we will be holding. It will just be me and my daughter there. My mother is too ill to attend and other family members are too frail. The younger members in the family I think didn't know him well so they don't have the inclination to come.
I would like to make the brief service memorable and am looking for some thoughts on what my daughter and I can do. Father was a hardworking and quiet man who would want something low key and dignified.
Mother seems to want a big funeral like those she remembers for other family members who died years ago. Hundreds of people came to those funerals. But most of father's friends have passed on or are too ill to come. The younger members of the family won't come if it is inconvenient for them. My husband is not coming either. He and my father did not get along well. My husband doesn't understand that his attendance is really a support for me during this time. My friends have been very comforting and have said that I should not hesitate to ask for help if I need it. I got no such offer from my husband. But I don't expect much from him because he is very narcissistic.
I, with the help of my daughter, have been doing all the planning and working with a very helpful funeral home.
We are going to dispense with the viewing because it is not necessary if it is just going to be us there. So we settled for a graveside service but we would like to make it more memorable and not simply a priest reading a prayer and that's it. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Hope this helped
pt
My Dad was not affiliated with a particular church. The Funeral Director had a Pastor that the Funeral Home uses say a few words. We only had graveside service. The Pastor and I had a brief conversation. We talked about Dads life, his thoughts on his family and some of his funny quirks. The Pastor summed it all up nicely, threw in some humor, my sister, and close family really liked it.
The Funeral Director also suggested since my Dad was a Veteran to let the VFW do their thing. It was awesome. Complete with flag on coffin, firing of guns, flag folding. The flag was presented to me. My sister insisted. The Funeral Director coordinated Pastor and VFW.
This last September, from out-of-state, I arranged a gravesite service for about 10 people on a Friday. My mother (87) and father (94) wanted their ashes combined in an urn and buried near my mother's family. The local funeral home of a tiny town was the paramount to our ceremony being a success (with some much needed healing).
The director helped me arrange for tent & chairs, pastor of their religion, urn, grave marker, comingling of the ashes, urn burial, their favorite song, my brother and me reading our goodbyes, and a veteran salute by soldiers from the base he last served, and TAPS. She was an angel and really helped me with my budget.
I lucked out. A week before I learned that a niece nearby was getting married the day after the memorial - so my dear cousins, 3 aunts and an uncle that came into town, joined us. Things just kept changing- for the better.
The day of the memorial, it was supposed to rain and the cemetery folks were concerned that we might get hurt in the mud. The director let us use her beautiful chapel (with bathrooms). Many delightful surprises - 3 musician cousins came and sang sweet songs and funny songs from 1946. Soon we had about 25 people in the chapel, people who cared about my parents. We laughed and cried.
Dear lizzywho61: do have little ideas that made the ceremony easier for me. My tribute to my mom was really an obit of her family life and career. The night before my flight, my brother sent me an photo album of pictures that my mom had not finished. In the stack of pictures, I found one of her and her best friend at 16. They were laughing and cutting up for the camera. I changed my essay to what I loved about her: her beauty, her silly humor, and loving my Dad. I wanted a memorial not a funeral.
Also, months before the ceremony, I emailed & texted all those relatives to let them know what I was working on even to the ones that could not be there. I sent updates to the director. I talked to the pastor. I talked to the cemetery staff, the marble cutters, and the local restaurant where we met afterwards. What that really did was made everyone family, which is really what my parents wanted. People are so kind. And, some of them were able to join us.
Oh - a member of this blog, once referred me to a book "Forgiving for Good" by Dr. Luskin. Many lessons. Read it 4 times. He talked about "unenforceable rules". The real key is that we do better when we HOPE someone gives us what we need instead of DEMAND.
I hope your husband joins you to share the life of your father. I would simply tell him "I hope you come with me. I would love to have you by my side." Then let go.
My husband was the key to a beautiful memorial and a very happy time with my family.
& Thank you to the group. You all helped me today.
My thoughts are with you