First I want to thank all who have answered my questions over the year. You have been so helpful and kind and I will be forever grateful.
Father passed away this week at 96 years old. We are having the funeral out of state. Few family and friends will attend the small graveside service we will be holding. It will just be me and my daughter there. My mother is too ill to attend and other family members are too frail. The younger members in the family I think didn't know him well so they don't have the inclination to come.
I would like to make the brief service memorable and am looking for some thoughts on what my daughter and I can do. Father was a hardworking and quiet man who would want something low key and dignified.
Mother seems to want a big funeral like those she remembers for other family members who died years ago. Hundreds of people came to those funerals. But most of father's friends have passed on or are too ill to come. The younger members of the family won't come if it is inconvenient for them. My husband is not coming either. He and my father did not get along well. My husband doesn't understand that his attendance is really a support for me during this time. My friends have been very comforting and have said that I should not hesitate to ask for help if I need it. I got no such offer from my husband. But I don't expect much from him because he is very narcissistic.
I, with the help of my daughter, have been doing all the planning and working with a very helpful funeral home.
We are going to dispense with the viewing because it is not necessary if it is just going to be us there. So we settled for a graveside service but we would like to make it more memorable and not simply a priest reading a prayer and that's it. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.
DR COPPERTINO
I send my sympathy to you. Years ago a close friend of mine passed and it was very unexpected. We had worked together for eleven years and taught me some great things. When her family had her memorial service, it was held in her daughters home. My daughter accompanied me to the service and on the way we talked how my friend was a friend. Well it came to a time when we were all in a large circle and everyone was asked to say something. It came to my turn... I broke, I couldn't say a thing, my daughter, sitting next to me took over. She said everything I couldn't. It could be that standing in front of everyone you wouldn't be able to say anything but people know... people know that you loved your mother in law and just because you cannot speak in front of the crowd they know... they know.
God bless you and your husband.
Peace be with you
hgn
My God be with you in your time of dispare.
Your father sounded like a wonderful man... hard working, quiet and would like something low key. Thank you for showing respect for him and bless you for all your efforts.
In the Bible, the apostle Paul urged the Thessalonians in 1 Thessalonians 4:10b-11 “But we urge you brethren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly towards outsiders and not be in any need.” I thought of this verse when reading your description of your dad.
To make it more memorable, could you and your daughter write a few memories (separately) and such about your dad, and then share them at his service? It would be great to hear what she remembers and then you..& a sweet time of sharing. Did he have any favorite Bible verses, pictures, songs, places to go or mementos? Maybe you could write something about his earlier years/history/some interesting and unknown facts of his life and share with your daughter? Buy a couple red carnations and place on his casket during the music as time of remembrance. Hope that helps! May the Lord Jesus bless and keep you in this difficult time.
Peace, dawn1947😿😿😿
....MAT
Here's my contribution just to show you how bad and how complicated it can be:
I sent my father's ashes to my sister in another state to bury beside our mother. A family member my sister didn't like showed up at the cemetery for the burial and my sister called the police. There was not much they wanted to do in this family feud, but they stayed long enough to see that there was no actual mayhem, which increased the burial party by two.
The funeral home provided a metal tube in a velvet bag so I could send some of dad's ashes to England, where my cousins interred him, in someone's garden, i think. Lucky the FH knew the regs and provided documentation, or he might not have had his last trip to the old sod so easily.
Sis took over and buried our bro in a public park. Illegal, but he would have grinned and she got to flout convention and the law once more.
I kind of think your husband and my sister should meet each other.
My kindest wishes for the graveside rites that give you good memories of loving people.
Here's my contribution just to show you how bad and how complicated it can be:
I sent my father's ashes to my sister in another state to bury beside our mother. A family member my sister didn't like showed up at the cemetery for the burial and my sister called the police. There was not much they wanted to do in this family feud, but they stayed long enough to see that there was no actual mayhem, which increased the burial party by two.
The funeral home provided a metal tube in a velvet bag so I could send some of dad's ashes to England, where my cousins interred him, in someone's garden, i think. Lucky the FH knew the regs and provided documentation, or he might not have had his last trip to the old sod so easily.
Sis took over and buried our bro in a public park. Illegal, but he would have grinned and she got to flout convention and the law once more.
I kind of think your husband and my sister should meet each other.
My kindest wishes for the graveside rites that give you good memories of loving people.
Take care, remember the good times.
Your dad was born in 1922. Perhaps create a timeline of events he lived through, and what he said about those events. You can thank him for the generational knowledge he passed to you and share it with your daughter at his graveside. I think that would be memorable and meaningful for both of you. Peace.
We just had the memorial service for my stepdad, yesterday. He was involved with the Church, so the Minister knew him, but we went over some stories to share and details the Minister did not know about him. David had chosen two hymns and we added Amazing Grace, as most people know it and feel comfortable singing along.
I know you will not have Hymns at the graveside, but the Officiant should be able to create a personal service for you.
You and your daughter can share a memory too. Talk to him, Say Dad you were a good man and thank you for all the camping trips, or whatever you did together over the years.
Perhaps a memory is what you are after that both honors your father and gives him the recognition that he was here. That he mattered to you and your daughter. Something to give you comfort as you mourn your loss.
So set this loving journey in your heart with the intention of honoring him. Take time to make a list of things you would like to remember about him at this time. Ask your daughter to do the same. Perhaps ask your mom questions about how they met, special dates, memories of his family. Write these out in a pretty journal for easy reference and to keep to share with your mom. You might write something you would like to read aloud at the service. You may use it later for her service. Your daughter may treasure it one day.
Yoy could write his obituary out and read it aloud at the grave. Survivors, those gone before, etc. His occupation. Whatever you would like to speak aloud.
If it’s a road trip, visit with your daughter on these memories on the drive. Perhaps write a poem about the experience later to go in the journal.
Ask the church if they have a individual who would sing or play the violin a selection you find comforting or your daughter would or your father would have.
This performance for him might be only five minutes but you would never forget it. We sang silent night for my MIL who loved Christmas. We were accompanied by a violin. The Lords Prayer is always beautiful. You and your daughter might sing a song. Perhaps there is a hymnal you could borrow for the road trip to look through for a song you are comfortable with.
You could also make a memorial card. A favorite photo on one side with the dates of his life on one side and whatever you choose on the other side. A song, his obituary, a bit of family tree.
I did one of these for a nephew who didn’t have a formal funeral. It took maybe 30 min at a Office Depot I think the store was. It was very inexpensive. Printed it on letter size card stock that was cut down the center, so two on each sheet of cardstock.
The staff helped me.
These were given to family members and friends. A bit like a prayer card but with his photos and more personal detail. You could put one in your journal. Give others to those not able to attend.
If you chose a flower or spray for his grave, take a ribbon from the grave to use as a marker in the journal. Or you might cut a pocket from a favorite shirt to glue in your journal or a strip of fabric from the shirt as a page marker. A stem of long grass from the site or a leaf. Anything to connect you.
One last idea comes to me. Plan to drive by old home-places or his school or work places. Perhaps your parents were married there? Perhaps it would make a route to the cemetery for you to take your dad on one last trip? I hope this hasn’t been overwhelming to read.
I think the point is that you and your daughter are on a pilgrimage to honor your father with love in your heart and that in itself will be enough.
Your plans for your fathers burial reminded me of the book “Gilead”. A different era but the same intention of honoring the father. In this case a son and grandson of the deceased.
The following is a portion of a summary on their finding his grandfathers grave.
“He, John Ames, was born in 1880 in Kansas, and is now seventy-six and has spent seventy-four of those years in Gilead, Iowa. When he was twelve, his father took him to his grandfather’s grave. The man had been born in Maine and then went to Kansas and died there. Ames’s father had tried to find his father and finally learned where he had gone and died. This was 1892, and Ames and his father traveled there. The journey was tough since there was a drought, and they often did not have enough food. A countrywoman helped them on their journey, and they found the grave. ....He and his father spent some time there and tidied up the grave, and watched the moon rise as the sun set. “
The most powerful grave-side service had the fewest people. My mom, my two sisters, and I re-buried my brother (he drowned when he was 6 about 58 years ago in Texas.) He had been buried in Texas where we lived, then we all soon moved to another state right after. It tormented Mom all those years that he was all alone. I arranged to have him exhumed.
We buried him the day after Christmas in an old country cemetery at the foot of where Mom would eventually rest. (We waited until after our Christmas celebration so he could be with us.) The sexton had already dug a small but deep hole.
My sister and I lowered his tiny casket down with ropes. We stood there and just kept our thoughts to ourselves. We puttered putting up flowers and gently moving bits and leaves around his grave. The family togetherness was powerful. I felt this was the purest of a human ritual I'd ever experienced.
This can be a most powerful service for your father and for you and your daughter. A simple service from you to your father can be quite moving. Perhaps write a few words--from you to your father--and a few words from your daughter--can be so meaningful for you both. Perhaps each of you leave behind a flower or a favorite item of your father's with your thoughts and feelings for your father embodied in that item.
I have no doubt your father will be watching.
When my Dad died 10 years ago, we held his funeral at the church in the town that he and Mom had lived in for over 40 years. After the luncheon we drove to another town for the graveside service so that he could be buried next to his parents and sister. (Mom was buried next to Dad this past September 2018.) The pastor performed the graveside service and my cousin sang a hymn that she had sung at Dad's funeral earlier that day. Because Dad was a veteran, the Military Honor Guard was present at the grave side service and played "Taps".
If your Father (or Mother) had a couple of favorite hymns or songs, maybe you could play them on a CD player during the grave side service. I also like the idea of you reading a short poem during the grave side service.
As people live longer, there are fewer and fewer people who are able to or want to attend the funeral of an elderly person. My Mom died in September 2018 and 35 people (including the family and pallbearers) attended her funeral. Mom had outlived her siblings and most of her friends; and most of our family live out of state and could not make the 5+ hour drive to Mom's funeral. {Plus it was "FOOTBALL SATURDAY."}
You state that you and your daughter decided not to have a viewing (at the mortuary) because it is just going to be you and your daughter attending. Were you thinking of the viewing taking place at a mortuary in the state where your Father is going to be buried or in the city that he lived in? If your Father and Mother lived in the same city for several years and some of your family members or their friends live in the same city or close by, maybe you can have a "Family Meet-&-Greet" Viewing the evening prior to taking your Father to the cemetery out of state. Maybe this can take the place of the "big funeral" that your Mother wants to have for her Husband.
[Our family was at the mortuary on the evening prior to Mom's and Dad's funerals to greet friends for a couple of hours--6 pm to 8 pm.]
(Even though your Father was 96 years old; your Mother, you and your daughter will need to take time to grieve his death. If need be, please be open to grief counseling or attending a group such as "GriefShare" to assist you and your daughter and your Mother in coping with the loss of your Father.)
{{Hugs}} to you and your Daughter and your Mother.
I’m sending you comfort and peace and a few cyber hugs as well.
Perhaps you and your daughter could both prepare some reminiscences about your dad and read them to him. Was he a vet or did he have special interests? If so perhaps the funeral home could have a flag draped over his coffin, or you & your daughter could bring a few items that were meaningful to him and briefly talk about them and their significance. I do hope your husband or some friends would come to support you, but if not this could be a completely intimate ceremony where you & your daughter can share your thoughts, memories & feelings about your father.
My heart goes out to you & your family right now.