My 70yr old father suffered a stroke and had a pacemaker installed, he is not fully mobile on his own and needs 24/7 care. He was brought home to early from the nursing home and now the tension family wise is terrible. My 69 yr old mother is under the impression she can handle this solo. She has an aide that comes but its not enough. My sister and I both work long hours and are not able to assist in health care at home regularly. I worked in the CNA field and I know it isn't easy. Things have begun to cause extreme anger and horrible feelings towards one another between all of us. Help please!!!
Your parents are 69 and 70 – which is not really ‘elderly’ in my book. It seems that everyone involved has assumed that F will be easier to cope with at home than is actually the case. You say “My 69 yr old mother is under the impression she can handle this solo". She has a right to try, but not to make decisions about your own role in it. The advice we have given so far is (more or less) to get F back into hospital and start again with some genuinely realistic care plans before he is released.
As far as the family tensions are concerned, we can’t make useful suggestions until we know the answers to the questions about who is angry and why. Please tell us more.
Is the current situation working?
Have a family meeting - everyone involved in Dad's care team gets a say.
"My sister and I both work long hours and are not able to assist in health care at home regularly".
This is important.
The plan for Dad's care at home needs to work for ALL of the people in the plan. Being honest with what you all can do / not do will make a better foundation.
No point for any wishful thinking.. Your Mom needs a solid team of helpers for Dad. Her adult 'children' work & therefore she needs other help. That's the bones of it.
Completely away.
You should tell your mother that at the point she is unable to care for her hubby he should be transported back to hospital care. There she should contact the social workers and tell them that her husband was released home unable to care for himself in any manner, and that she herself cannot provide him care.
Father at that point will be placed into care.
If he is able to regain enough ability to remain in home with an elderly wife caring for him then that is wonderful, but there needs to ZERO dependence on other family members, and if mother is unable to care for him either temporary or permanent placement in care will be required.
Sorry. This isn't doable. And all of you running round like chickens with the heads cut off is not going to help anything in this situation. This was clearly an unsafe discharge with no discharge planning. It will end in an early re-admission to hospital which will ding that hospital's license applications. So they should take this somewhat seriously.
If you and your sister keep orbiting around them then it supports your Mom's delusion that she can "handle" it. She can't and you and your sister can't.
Have your Mom call social services for their county to see if they qualify for any in-home help. Then step away so that she and the social workers can all see that it's a poop show when left to do it on her own.
If your Dad is a vet then contact the VA. Others on this forum have experience and can give you some guidance with that.
When you say that your dad was brought home too early, do you mean that he left rehab early?
Or, do you mean that his condition is too challenging for your mom to handle at home?
I am really sorry that your family is arguing about your father’s care. It’s stressful for all of you.
Don’t feel pressured to do more than you feel comfortable doing. Be honest and tell your family that you know what your limitations are and that you will not exceed them.
Wishing you and your family peace as you work to find the best solutions.
Do you feel that your dad should be placed in a facility? Do you think home health would help him? What does his doctor say about his condition?