Hi, my father in law has moved in with my wife and I. My mother in law passed away in January, my own mother passed away in December.
Since my father in law moved in with us, life has been challenging. He has multiple health issues that are not life threatening. He suffers from incontinence and also defecates at night. His mobility is restricted and we have carers to assist, in particular with his personal hygiene.
Since he moved in with us we have no personal time, his poor hygiene is a big problem for me. He requires a lot of care/hospital visits/doctors appointments weekly. As both my wife and I work, we use our vacation days to cover these appointments (my wife is an only child).
I guess it just seems that our lives revolve around his needs, everything that we do or plan centres on him ( we have cancelled multiple nights away/cancelled vacations etc). We have made modifications to our home to make life easier, example bathroom alteration.
This does not sound right, but I am now resentful of the man. He is a good man, he has lost his wife and with his poor health, he has no one else to care for him. I find that he is oblivious of the impact on out lives, his focus (which is a good thing) is to get better, but realistically will not happen to the extent where he can live independently.
Another issue that annoys me is that he does not contribute anything financially to his care, even a small gesture on his part would go a long way, he is aware of the loss of prepaid vacations/ house alterations. All this coupled with my own health issues (recent heart attack) is putting my relationship with my wife under pressure. I have looked into full time care options for him, but have had push back. I am unsure of where to go next, I regularly feel like walking out.
Who is pushing back on full time care your wife, FIL or both?
If he has money he needs to be contributing to the household. That includes him paying for extra care and assistance for himself.
And welcome to the selfish senior club you are now a servant to the seniors wants and needs. All your needs and wants are now pushed to the back burner as life revolves around propping up the elder. Even worse if your wife caters to her father and sees nothing wrong with this situation.
The first step is admitting that moving FIL into your home is an issue and he needs more help than you and your wife can offer him. You know that but does your wife agree?
Second step is moving dad out of your home and into a facility.
In the meantime start setting boundaries.
1. No more taking your vacation days or sick days to get him to his appointments. He will need to use transportation provided by Aging Services or pay for a taxi or uber to take him.
2. FIL needs to start contributing to the household expenses.
3. If FIL is capable of doing it himself he needs to maintain his personal hygiene. There is no compromise on this. Nobody wants to smell shit and piss in their house because a senior refuses to take care of himself.
If he can't do it he needs to hire someone out of pocket to come in and shower him and change his diapers daily. If he cannot afford this he will need to get placement in a facility so that these needs are taken care of.
4. I hope your wife sees the stress having dad in the home is causing you and understands that this stress could contribute to you having another cardiac event.
Do yourself a favor - start looking into facilities. You will soon need one.
Dear Abby
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
Your situation is not sustainable.
You got push back from who? FIL? Wife? Both?
Has FIL been diagnosed with dementia? Folks with dementia are mostly blissfully unaware of the impact they have on others.
Can FIL afford careers or facility care?
Does anyone have POA?
Having said that I think you MUST negotiate a time limit on this arrangement. I fully understand the desire to help out a loved one when circumstances change but this can easily morph into a permanent situation that overshadows your whole life - in fact it seems that it has already done so.
It may be worthwhile to go to a marriage counselor. This does 2 things: it fires a shot over your wife's bow to let her know just how serious this issue is becoming; and it will give her (if she agrees to go) another person's objective perspective on the situation.
Maybe also have your wife read some of the other posts on this forum so that she can see what she's in for attempting to care for a Father whose needs are currently overwhelming both of you, with no end in sight -- only to get worse, which is unimaginable.
The decision to transition him to a facility won't feel good (at first) on any level for her. BUT it does get better. She needs to internalize this fact. Her Dad won't like it but if he goes to a good place, will most likely do better with more activities and socialization. My MIL is in LTC in a fantastic faith-based facility near our home. She's doing wonderfully there, gets far more interaction with a variety of people than in our home. Even gets taken out on the lake in a pontoon boat, in her wheelchair. That'd never happen if she lived with us. Hers is an exceptional case, but just shows it is something that can happen for her Dad. I felt a lot of guilt for a long time because no one ever *wants* to go into a facility, but it was the "least bad option" and we're all doing fine because of it.
The personal hygiene issue would be a total deal breaker. Why let FIL destroy your home, which is your biggest, lifetime investment? How did FIL afford to live when not freeloading off you? Your blood pressure must spike daily!
You had a recent heart attack, yet still allowed this to happen? Remodeled your bathroom for FIL? ($$$$$) You both work full time?
Set a deadline to have him placed....30 days from now.
Get FIL placed pronto, to avoid having another cardiac event!
She made marriage vows to YOU, not her father. Get that deadline picked, and ignore the "push back." You may have to leave a few weeks, to wake your wife up.
Above all, keep in mind: FIL has NO SAY SINCE HE DOESN'T PAY.
I wish you strength with getting your home and lives back.
Didn't the recent heart attack get any attention from your wife?
My Dh is caring for his mother in her home (I would not allow her to come here--and neither other kid allowed it either). She is the same as your FIL--reverted to being a child in many ways and expecting and receiving care at the expense of the health and well being of her kids.
I assume it's your wife who is giving you pushback?
Sounds like your FIL is going to hang in there a long time--no major health issues.
You're both giving up your lives for him. That's our dynamic too.
I've had zero success getting my DH to allow his mother to get in home CG's and she will never go to a NH, which is where she belongs. I have no advice--except to be forthright with your wife as to what you feel. At least you do have some in home care--but that only goes so far and then you are still, at the end of the day, driving a bus you didn't want to even get on.
I am watching my DH spiral down, down, down into a depression so deep he can't function some days. It's horrible. Since he began CG, he has had 2 'episodes' which he thought we heart attacks--and weren't--they were panic attacks and he felt so stupid going to the ER to find out his heart was fine and he's just stressed. But he's HAD 2 heart attacks and I swear if his mom gives him another one I will lose it.
Yet since I have no say in this--I am a mute observer.
Minimally, FIL should be paying his own way. And you shouldn't have to give up your life for him. I'm one to talk--we won't have a vacation of any kind this year, and looks like MIL is doing so well, she's not going anywhere, no matter what happens.
I can only hope you can talk sense into your 'pusher-backers'. Your FIL would probably thrive and be better off in a NH where his needs can be met without stressing out the people who should love him most.
I can only add "Good Luck". I'm really sorry for your situation.
I am sorry that you moved him in with you. Now this becomes a living situation problem (you have made your home his home) and a marital problem. I hope that you and wife can come to agreement that if 24/7 care doesn't work for one person (for WHATEVER REASON) then it doesn't work for a couple. Then you will need to tell FIL that you are sorry, but you do not wish him to live with you any longer. It then comes down to placement and your helping him to find it; I feel you are obligated to assist with this due to your poor decision making in the first place.
You say YOU have looked into placement. No. That needs to be your and your wife. So start there. You may need counseling. Your own health is at risk here as well. If your wife refuses to get placement for her Dad, then you may be looking at saying "Darling, I love you, but my own health has to come first now for me; I will be moving to a small studio apartment. I will assist you here and there as I feel able, but my limitations are such that I cannot do this care with you. I am so sorry I didn't realize this before the fact and before the move-in, but I have no choice but to recognize it now".
Then make your arrangements.
Sometimes nothing will do but the absolute TRUTH.
See All Answers