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My father in law has been living in our den (we did not have an extra bedroom) for almost 2 years. The first year he was very ill. He had COVID, then a heart attack/heart surgery, and then cancer - so he clearly needed care and I had all the empathy for his situation. I cooked for him, helped my husband with caring for him, and tried to make him feel comfortable.
Now he is in remission and almost fully able to care for himself with few exceptions (stairs, for example). But he has no respect for our space or for me.
For example, he is abusive to my cat. He throws things at him and hisses at him when the cat walks by him. My cat is extremely friendly, and he cowers when he sees my FIL coming. We have to put him down in our finished basement when we are not home to make sure he's ok. I'm convinced the reason he does this is just because he's mine from before our marriage.
He does not shower or bathe, and often leaves a disgusting mess in the (only) bathroom for one of us to find and clean up. Just yesterday he left a completely disgusting clogged toilet, and then lied about it and tried to blame it on my kids. My kids weren't even home up to that point.
He is rude to my kids too - yes they are his grandchildren. Most of the time he ignores them, but when he blames them for things he did, they are hurt and don't understand why he would do that.
He pees on our deck when someone is in the bathroom, instead of knocking. He uses our towels to wash himself in the bathroom, often leaving poop on the towel and just hanging it back up on the rack.
He leaves opened and half eaten food on the floor in his room, and when he cooks, he leaves a huge mess in the kitchen for someone else to clean up.
Frankly, it's unbearable. We are renovating a walk-out basement apartment for him to live in, but we have serious concerns that he will trash it. And I'm ready to tell my husband either he goes, or I do. I just don't know what to do anymore - I can't live like this anymore. What can I do?

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In some townships there is Senior housing run by HUDD. They require 30% of your monthly income (SS and pension) for rent. Electricity, cable, phone and WiFi would be FILs responsibility. Cable, he can use an antenna and stream shows. Phone, he can use Tracfone, pay as u go and use the Data to surf the internet and stream. He can get food stamps and food from food closets and government food.
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Thank you all for reinforcing that I'm not being unreasonable! I have been telling my H that he needs to go for a long time.

I almost had good news coming back here, because after I lost it about the bathroom situation the other day, he told my H that he was getting an apartment...but that fell through because the rent was higher than he thought :-( And now I don't know what's going on, there's talk about continuing the renovation. I'm going to have to bring this up again, I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!

The amazing thing is, he does not have dementia. This is just HOW HE IS. Which is even worse. There is definitely something wrong with him, but dementia isn't the culprit. I actually think he has Asperger's, but I also think he is just extremely immature as a person and doesn't even think what he's doing is not normal.

As for how my H feels - he is very torn because he has a lot of empathy for his dad (understandable), but all this drives him crazy too. He feels the same way I do, but he also feels a sense of obligation to his dad because there is no one else to help him. His parents are separated, and his mom doesn't offer to help (even though technically they are still married). His brothers are both addicts and do not live locally.

I'm going to talk to him again today, crossing my fingers we can make some progress in getting him out.
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Kmjfree Oct 2022
Is there a cheaper apartment in the area? Can he get any housing assistance or food assistance. Find a way to make it work. Don’t do the renovation. He will never leave and he will trash it. If you do end up doing it then have him pay for a housekeeper.
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klh1127, I know this won't be easy, stop cleaning for a week and see what happens? Maybe then your husband will have a light bulb moment seeing all the mess in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

Glad the cat has a safe room to be in, and cats are a great judge of character in a person. Some people just don't like cats, and your Dad-in-Law is one of those people.
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klh1127 Oct 2022
Thank you - my H cleans up after him, I told him a year ago that I will do normal cleaning but not to the extent that I'm cleaning his dad's sh*t.

Also - he loves cats. He had them growing up. He just doesn't like MY cat. It's ridiculous.
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You know what to do. Get your FIL the heck out of your house. Can't believe your husband outs up with his dad's shit literally. Or are you the one who cleans up dad's sh*t?
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klh1127 Oct 2022
I do not! I drew the line there.
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Tell your husband to give his father a deadline (30 days, say) to find another arrangement. You have an abusive man in your house, and it's affecting the kids. THEY are your first priority, not this disgusting, entitled old man. Ditch him!
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klh1127 Oct 2022
100% agree. Thank you!
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Your FIL is obviously suffering from dementia now by the way you describe his behavior! He needs Assisted Living now and to be OUT OF YOUR HOUSE STAT. You've put up with this nonsense for 2 YEARS now and you should get a medal of honor for doing so. With ONE bathroom for all of you to share, and him wiping his arse with the hand towels and hanging them back up on the rack? No. Just NO. OUT he goes NOW or OUT your DH goes WITH him. That's the ultimatum I'd give your DH if he's not agreeable to his father moving out. Renovating a walk out basement apartment for him to live in? DON"T DO IT! Put the kabosh on that immediately b/c of course he will trash it. Dementia only gets worse and worse as time goes on, so the behavior you are seeing now is only the tip of the iceberg. The man needs care from a team of people in a managed care environment, be it AL or a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid if he's unable to afford AL.

Tell DH you're done playing hostess to his father now. DONE.

Best of luck.
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Move quickly to get him out of your house before he gets sicker. If you don’t, it will be harder to get him out and you’ll be stuck with him for even longer. He is clearly not okay in the head and since he’s been aggressive toward your cat, he appears dangerous.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
Exactly right, Fawnby. Move him out before he gets sicker or it will be harder to get him out. It will also get more dangerous. The worse the dementia gets and if he's stil mobile that will be bad.
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Neither you nor your kids should live with someone who has no respect for you or his environment. Without doubt it will be stressful for your kids and will have a long term, if not lifelong impact. The fact that he abuses your cat shows that he shouldn't be living with any of you. Your husband needs to realize that and either get his father to change or find somewhere else for him to live. Personally, I doubt he would change so moving is the only option.
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Put this on hubby. He has to fix it.
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klh1127 Oct 2022
I'm working on that!
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Time for an independent senior community or AL. No if's and's or but's. He is moving out. He probably has dementia too and will need to be in a care facility at some point. Not up for discussion. You and your husband find him the appropriate housing the he goes. Tell him today. He's leaving. Or you are.
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klh1127 Oct 2022
Yes I unfortunately was thinking about giving him an ultimatum. I don't want it to resort to that, but I might have to.
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Is your husband okay with walking into a feces-strewn bathroom? And with your kids being treated poorly?

Before you threaten to leave, I'd send the kids for a sleepover and take your husband out to dinner. Find out what HIS thinking is about his dad continuing to reside with you. Tell him you will be supportive of plans to get dad more care outside the home.

It very much sounds like FIL has developed some dementia. Has he been evaluated for that?
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