Let me preface this by saying my FIL has some psychological issues and any hint of trouble, whether it's bills or something else stressful, sends him to the point of making himself sick. Vomiting, diarrea, you name it. He's been this way for years but he normally bounced back within a few days. Well, ever since he fell and hit his head on a window last November (went to the hospital and PT facility for it for nearly a month) and whenever he gets sick now, he becomes so frail and can't even take care of himself, can't wipe himself, etc. Right now, he's upstairs sick in his room (he convinced himself that the Tylenol he took made him sick) and it smells so bad, it's starting to permeate into the hallways and our kids' rooms. My husband is basically his primary caregiver, I help where I can, but it's quite a lot for us to deal with right now. He just lost his job and we are financially strapped so hiring a nurse right now isn't doable. And my FIL's hospital bills are insane, but he thinks going to the ER and getting hooked to an IV and cleaned up by nurses overnight is the only way he'll make it through but because he's been several times in the last year, his insurance won't cover it anymore, so it's just more bills he/we can't pay. We just don't know what to do and I don't want my husband to also suffer with this weight on his shoulders because he's already dealing with having no job and another thing I can't really get into, it's become too much. I just need advice or a place to vent and this was the one place I knew other people could relate.
Also, apparently, a nursing home or assisted facility is absolutely out of the question because my FIL's mom died in one and he, understandably, does not want to suffer that same fate.
We just need help or advice.
Well - as Margaret said - YES people die in nursing homes every day. But they also die in hospitals, and in their own homes. The last place you live when you are elderly is going to be the place you die.
But that doesn't correlate with the nursing home (or hospital or your home) being the cause of your death. It's just where you are when you die.
There comes a point for many of us - where home care is no longer possible. Where you have exhausted your reserves and there is no other option. With FIL - he fell- we took him to the hospital - and we started a vicious cycle of back and forth for like 6 months. It was not the first time. But the difference this time- was that we were a united front - and NO ONE was going to take him home that last time.
We advised the rehab facility that we were no longer going to provide his care at home- and unless he hired and kept 24/7 care - he HAD to go to a nursing home because otherwise he was an Unsafe Discharge and they were liable for letting him go home.
Hospitals and rehabs will tell you that you HAVE to take them home. They will tell you that if you take them home they will provide all kinds of resources. They just want to send them home and will tell you what you need to hear to get you to do it. But once you have -its on YOU.
My FIL LOVED the hospital (at least before COVID). It wasn't difficult to get him to go. But we finally had to realize that WE were the ones that were continuing to enable him to come home. And once we got all parties on board - he didn't really have a choice.
Wrong. It is not a question - do you WANT to go? No, of course not.
People go to nursing homes if they have no other options and they NEED one.
Your FIL needs a nursing home .
You , your husband , and your kids should not have to live in a nursing home , which is what YOUR home has turned into with his ‘smells permeating to your children’s rooms ‘ .
None of this is fair to your family .
Call 911 to take him to the ER for his vomiting and diarrhea . You ask to speak to a social worker and you tell him/her that you and your husband can not take care of him . Tell the social worker that you both work . You lie and say you both work and that your father in-law can not be home alone .
You tell them your father in law needs a facilty on Medicaid . You do not take your father in law home under any circumstances . They will try to send him home with the promise of help coming to the home but it’s not enough . Or they will say he has to go home first until you get him on Medicaid. Don’t agree to that .
You refuse to take him home . You say it’s an “ unsafe discharge “ Use those words . The social worker will have to find a nursing home to place him in . Never use your own money to pay for any of his bills .
Have your husband read this thread . Finally , don’t let him die in your house for the sake of the children . Get him out to the hospital today and never to return .
You're right to suggest the 'Social Admit' through the hospital ER.
You know they will make all kinds of promises of unlimited homecare and resources if the family will just let the person return home. I hope the OP and her husband see through it because social workers are trained and instructed to lie in these situations. They will in reality get little to nothing if they agree to take him back with them.
Right now your FIL's situation is as good as it is ever going to be, it will not improve. It will continue to get worse. He needs more help than you and your husband can provide. You might need to reconsider a facility. I wished I didn't have to place my 95 yo parents but their situation was beyond my ability or my sisters' to handle anymore. There was no choice. Kept hoping they'd finally die at home but their needs just steadily increased and our ability to handle it did not.
What is most important is raising your children in a healthy environment and not sure what you describe is it.
Wishing you the strength to handle this situation.
I would call 911 and have him taken to the ER for his latest "sickness"( the hospital cannot turn him away)and once there you let the hospital social worker and doctor know that your FIL is an "unsafe discharge" and that you and your husband can no longer care for him at home.
They will then have to find the appropriate facility to place him in, and you will get your home and life back, and get back to just being his family and advocates and not his burned out caregivers, and he will get the care he requires.
It will be a win win for all involved.
And of course since your FIL has no money he'll have to apply for Medicaid.
You and your husband must now do what is best for you both, your marriage and your children. *And please note that I didn't mention your FIL anywhere on that list.
I wish you the very best in getting your FIL placed sooner than later.
And the reality is that he WILL suffer the same fate - regardless of where he is.
My grandmother and great grandmother died in nursing homes. My dad died at home. Neither of the LOCATIONS was the cause of death.
People of a certain age likely have very specific images of what a nursing home is. And since they almost always know someone who died in one - they automatically relate the death to being in the nursing home. I know plenty of people who have died in a nursing home, in fact - in most cases people in a nursing home do die there. But it isn't the reason they died.
But at a certain point - what someone WANTS has to take backseat to what they NEED.
Begin the application process for Medicaid.
Has he been tested for C Diff? Some of the indications you mentioned are
Diarrhea
Belly cramping
nausea
particularly bad odor
It is HIGHLY contagious
If you do take him to the ER or Urgent care he should be tested for this.
You do not have to hire a "nurse" a caregiver will do what needs to be done, the only time an agency would require a Nurse is if medications have to be administered. If the person can take the medications then a caregiver can hand the pills in a container for a person to take themselves.
Hate to tell you but FIL's mom probably would have died at home, in a hospital or anywhere else cuz people die. It was not the Skilled Nursing facility that killed her. She was there because she needed care that could not be given at home.
He has had stomach issues and ulcers for years, since childhood. He has severe psychological issues though, as mentioned. He convinces himself that something he eats will make him sick because it's not the brand he normally eats, or if he can't pay a bill on time, it makes him sick. So basically a very nervous stomach. He's been to the doctor and has had tons of tests done but nothing stomach wise is wrong with him. It's just his mind working against him. When he's up and about, he is capable of going to the bathroom on his own, wiping himself, he does need assistance getting to the shower but can wash himself. However, when he goes down like this, he becomes incontinent, frail, can't do anything for himself. Note that this version of him only came to be after he fell last year. Before then, he'd vomit for a day or two and then be back to normal. I think that's why my husband is so hesitant to actually place him somewhere, he thinks it'll get better.
It's just so frustrating because I know it'll be better for him to go somewhere to get care but sometimes I feel like it's not my place to make these decisions because he's not my parent, but I know I need to convince my husband that this is best.
It's understandable that insurance is not going to pay for your FIL to go to the ER for basically a spa-day to get him cleaned up and hydrated. That's not what the ER is for. You also say he has a mountain of bills and cannot afford homecare either.
So here's where he is. Unless there's a family member or friend willing to give up their life to move in and become an unpaid care slave his only real option is a nursing home or psych facility. Or your FIL is going to have to seriously work hard to get psychological problems under control. Or it will be a nursing home or psych facility. If there's dementia, he has to be placed.
First step is getting a full medical work up including psych evaluation and dementia testing from his doctor.
When you know what you're dealing with then you can start making realistic plans for him.
Medicare and Medicaid is not going to pay for hour after hour of babysitter companions to keep him company or for CNA aides to come several times a day to keep him clean. That's not going to happen. I was a homecare CNA for 25 years and have my own agency now. Medicare and Medicaid do not pay for this level of care.
Your state may participate in a paid family caregiver program through its Medicaid program. The stipend they pay the family caregiver is low and they have to also live in the house.
It's just a suggestion.
I don't think if you've got kids living at home that you should keep your FIL with you. Your kids deserve better than to grow up with a crazy person who falls to pieces at the drop of a hat and in a house that smells like sh*t all the time. You and your husband deserve a better life than this too.
Get him to his doctor for testing. Then look for a facility.