My 58 YO brother has been a problem all of our lives, causing scenes at family gatherings/holidays/ vacations, etc. He often is verbally abusive, mean and sarcastic. Last fall he came to my parents house to spend the night, was drunk, and started an argument with my father who asked him to leave. (according to the brother, was "thrown out of the house").
He blames all of his issues on his childhood (not true) and his older brother "tormenting" him all his life. Also not true. My parents paid for his college, wedding, and even sent checks when he was having financial problems. They have always been generous within their means with all of us.
Brother lives 3.5 hours away from my parents and rarely offered any help, from driving my father to hospital appointments, or helping them during Covid. Only when it's convenient for him, like in the summer when the pool was open or to go to a baseball game in the city. He was a terrible house guest and acted like it was his house, criticizing my father and starting arguments about politics.
Earlier this year mother was at home, bedridden after a fall last year. When my father needed to go to the hospital after his health declining taking care of my mother, it was up to the 3 siblings to spend the night with Mom. We tried to take turns but he did the least amount of nights, saying he could not miss work. We let him stay in the house because he could cook and give my mother her meds. He did get pneumonia during one of his visits and blamed my father.
My mother was moved to a nursing home in April and my father was in the hospital post major surgery for 2 weeks in May. Now my father is in rehab at the same location as my mother. The brother visited them perhaps 2 times, but never my father in the hospital.
Unfortunately my mother passed away last week in the nursing home. Brother did not visit last week despite being told that she was failing. He was very upset he could not see or talk to her, but did not make plans to visit/comfort Dad.
Two weeks ago he sent very mean texts to my father out of the blue, blaming him for all of his issues and problems, etc. which I learned last week. He wrote that the next time he would see his father was at his funeral. Then wrote 2 months, 8 days. Like, it will be in 2 months, 8 days when he dies. (He also texted me 3 years ago that he wished me a slow, painful death from cancer after I did not agree with him on some issues. I did tell my parents about that so they would know what we were dealing with). Despite that incident we have been in contact because I'm trying to help my parents and avoid drama. He often tells me he is estranged from his family and my brother and I are in collusion against him.
At some point he sent follow up texts apologizing for the earlier texts. My father told me at this point he doesn't care if he ever sees his son.
Last week I saw the texts on my dad's phone and confronted the brother. He was incensed that my father told us about the texts and showed them to us.
Now he wants to "visit" Dad and also take some bedroom furniture for his daughter this week. We reluctantly provided a house key so he can get the furniture and spend the night. We worry about what else he will take.
This weekend my father expressed to my good brother that he believes that these threatening texts are elder abuse. I agree, but if I confront bad brother I am afraid there will be more outbursts and threats. Dad thinks bad brother is only interested in his inheritance. I would like to cut the brother out of the will. I am the executor.
Help! Thank you.
If your father is of sound mine he can change his will to exclude this awful person from it. You can assist him in getting this done but you cannot do it alone as an executor.
You know you created this "worry" by giving him a house key. What were you thinking? Seems like this brother gets away with whatever he wants and all of you just kow tow to him. I wonder why.
You can't cut the brother out of the will as the executor. Your job is to execute the will as it is written. If dad wants to cut brother out of will he will need to go see a lawyer and have a new will written (if he is of sound mind) If he does this he should give the brother $10 in the will. I read somewhere that this helps if brother decides to contest said will.
Too bad all of you don't just block brothers calls and texts. Then you won't have to deal with him anymore. Brother has used bullying to get his way with you and dad and continues to do so.
Sometimes, in families, one is CHOSEN Scapegoat. The one that gets gossiped about. The one who isn't good enough. And here we are even talking about POLITICAL differences.
I never trust things where I get one side of the issue. Not unless I KNOW the person telling that one side really well, and trust them.
Who knows. This could be Damien born into a loving family.
Or this could just be the "bad brother" everyone loves to hate.
And it isn't the BROTHER'S side.
You could be right, JoAnn. He could be mental. He could be evil.
But if so, why is everyone still talking to him? Giving him keys to the house?
WHY?
If your brother alteady has struggles in life, with family relationships, this could tip his behaviour over the edge.
I am wondering if it is possible to hold both empathy for your's brother's issues while installing FIRM boundaries of NO CONTACT.
Demonising him may be tempting, but idk maybe he is on the autism spectrum, has mental health issues, lost his partner, money problems, now lost his Mother..
Regardless of what drives his behaviour - his behaviour is offensive & abusive. That is why you go no contact. Dad seems to be choosing that also. Wise of him.
I would think of it less as punishment of the brother, more of protection for you.
After that, your dad’s phone could block bad brother’s calls and texts. The rest of you should block him
too. If you all cut him off, he’ll have nothing to fuel his fire.
Sometimes no contact is the only way to deal with people who keep stirring up problems. Life is easier without their drama.
I do hope you checked with your father before giving your brother a key to the house, ( unless it already was at Dad’s direction ).
I would be changing the locks now , unless Dad wants brother to have a key .
If Dad is allowing brother to stay there , ask Dad what should be removed prior , such as jewelry other valuables , important documents etc ..
The only person who can change your father’s will is your father by going to a lawyer .
Your father has a right to show texts to whoever he wants. Your family needs to make it very plain to your brother that he will not behave abusively to your father and that he is no longer allowed to visit him unless someone is there and that all of your father's texts will be screened.
1. Inform rehab that he has a troubled abusive son he does not wish to see while in rehab.
2. Change his will at any time he wishes to.
3. Forbid said son from coming into his home.
4. Block calls from said son.
5. Get a restraining order against said son if he wishes to.
As to the sibling squabbles I will leave that up to you, but will let you know that being Executor on a will is a legal Fiduciary duty and you could be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for meddling with a will.
I will refrain from taking sides in the dynamics of a family when I can hear only one side in a dispute but I will wish you good luck, caution you against letting ANYONE into your parents home, and suggest that if you are in any way afraid of your brother you consider getting a restraining order.
Good luck.
With the high cost of care dad may not even have an inheritance to leave. Very difficult to see into the crystal ball. It Sometimes comes as a big shock when a long illness eats away the savings.
But it is past time for your family to recognize that your brother is mentally ill.
I would not have ever given him a key. He will make a copy and what he will do when enraged is anyone’s guess.
A couple of guys could be at the house to help him with the bed so he is on his way very soon. Something to make things go smoothly. no need to leave a key.
I would suspect mentally ill bro was triggered by your mom’s death but who knows? The important thing is to protect dad.
There is a good book called “What Happened to You” by a Dr Perry and Oprah. Instead of asking “what’s the Matter with You” it asks what happened to you.
It does explain that what happens to us as infants or small children does affect our lives forever. It is very interesting. But the deal is, I’m sure something happened to your parents when they were small children as well. We don’t all have the same needs when we are born and sadly all our needs aren’t met. It does make life harder but we can’t go around blaming others and expecting that to fix anything.
Much more productive to figure out what one can do to have a better life now.
I’m not without sympathy for your brother but he is acting as a bully and again, your dad is vulnerable and needs protection. I would focus on that unless brother gives you reason not to. He does seem stuck in his childhood.
There is many on this forum, so your not alone.
I don't see there is much you can do, but change the locks ASAP, even if you did get the key back, change all the locks. Bad bro, could of easily made a copy
Best of luck to you
Second, why in the world would you give your "bad" brother the key to your parents home, without anyone else being there, knowing that he has mental issues?
Third, I would just let your father decide whether he wants the bad son to come visit him. If he says no he doesn't want to see him, you let the folks at the rehab facility know that he is not allowed to visit and why.
I'm sorry that you are one of the millions of people that come from a very dysfunctional family, and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
At least your mother is at peace and doesn't have to put up with all this nonsense anymore.