He's 87 and actually in good health physically. He works out 3 times a week and lifts weights. He has been blind for most of his life, but he went to school, worked etc. He's done everything but drive.
By family reports, he was always a hateful child even before he lost his sight.
As an adult, a father and husband, we saw a lot of that hate and anger but he would stop at a point. In the past year though he has become progressively almost not even human. He seems unaware of anyone else's feelings or needs.
He and my mom fight 24/7 and he grabs and shakes her.
I talked to his doctor who did a basic cognitive exam and he said everything is
fine. I've offered to find my dad someone to drive him around so he'll be more free. I've offered to take him on two trips to see his old friends. I've tried getting my mom to leave (she hates him but feels that leaving now is too
big a change)
I am at my wits end of how to make this situation better. I'm an only child and there is no other family.
As the child I would have a face-to-face talk with dad and let him know some of the conseuqences if this continues. And he cannot behave, then I would take action that might require the authorities as I do feel your mother needs protection--shaking and shoving is just appropriate in any situation and should not be tolerated. After all, your mother has endured some abuse most of her life and deserves not to have to any longer. This is time to be tough and stand by your mother. Wish I had better advice, but you are the one who has to step in and really begin to take action. I feel when someone safety is involved we have to be held accountable. Be strong and resolute!!!
My mom and dad had a relationship where she did everything for him to the point it wore her out. I tried to talk to them both at various times but I finally came to the realization that their marriage and relationship was 60 years in the making and I had to let it play out on its own. It was hard, but I let them do what they'd done for their whole marriage. But my dad wasn't shaking my mom. That's the only part of your parents' situation that would cause me to step in and take more action.
But first I'd try to understand what is going on with your dad. And I'd probably try to get him to a neurologist to see if there's some brain thing going on. If he's seeing a general practitioner, I'm not sure if he'd be able to tell whether someone is having some brain issues. Also has he had any medication changes lately? Is he diabetic?
2. Have a talk with your mother about not 'reacting' to your dad's temper. She should know better than to join him in an argument. The more neutral she can be, the less of a target she'll be for his anger. She's not doing either of them a favor. I hope you can discuss this with her without making her feel defensive and get her cooperation.
3. Get dad some psychological counseling, specifically anger management. If you and your mother tell him sympathetically it would help him feel better if he talked to a neutral party about his anger, he just may go. Not sure if Medicare in your state will cover it, or if his secondary insurance will. If you can't get psychological care for him, a clergy person will counsel him for free or a donation. Please consider this. Mom should attended at least one session, it will help her stop reacting against him/triggering his outbursts.
Good replies here so far. I echo what Simba advised. Even if someone else is not well, the majority of 'fixing' this for ourselves I think is outlook, learning how to process, not connect with the negativity, etc. Coaching, either a support group or going to an individual counselor. It shouldn't matter if the other person is not well, our own boundaries and responses still make the difference. If he's taking a hand to her (shaking is a start) she must learn to calmly and keenly look him in the eye and say 'Let go, now.' He may escalate if she doesn't get strategies on how to draw the lines, no matter what he is feeling. Especially since he's a workout guy, he's too strong to be left unchecked.
You guys can be sympathetic, work with him within your own boundaries... putting up with any of his crap is not required! Good luck, Funnyfarm, you guys deserve to feel okay despite his personality and his changes. Keep on this forum and keep strong!
How long have you been trying to serve as a buffer between your parents? Is that a responsibility a child should have, whether they are an only child or one of many? Haven’t you noticed you don't actually have the power to change them?
Regarding your father, cognition is not the issue. The reality is that a person who has been "hateful" since childhood and now has become "almost not even human" has mental health problems. Your AgingCare ID of “funnyfarm” gives a clue that you at least have an idea of this.
You asked for advice and mine is to get to a NAMI meeting right away -- National Alliance for Mental Illness – for support from others who have similar issues. The Birmingham chapter meets the second Tuesday of each month from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. in the second floor auditorium at the UAB Center for Psychiatric Medicine. I don’t know what it is, but they have a “Family to Family” class on the 13th.
God bless and may the new year be a happier one for you.
See All Answers