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My Father (73) has a plethora of health issues, and has been experiencing cognitive decline. Three days ago he tried to take his own life. I called 911 right away, and he is currently stable though still not awake.


Did I do the right thing calling 911 on a 73-year-old man that has many health issues? What if my actions lead to him suffering even more if he ever wakes up? Given the COVID protocol at the hospital, I am not allowed to visit or stay next to him. If he does wake up and is in worse condition, will he hate me? Will he live the rest of his life blaming me for his suffering?


I have been a lurker on the forums, never posted. Many stories and tips from others have helped in the care of my father and reduce burnout. I care for my father with the help of two private aides.

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These questions will never have an answer, but it may help you to sit and ask yourself this single question: "If I had not called for help knowing this was a suicide attempt, would I be able to live with myself"?
There are people for whom life is too tough. I understand that, and as a nurse I have seen more than my share of those who have taken their own lives whether because of depression or illness. We can't know if your Dad's depression can be helped, or if he will seek help. We cannot know if he will make more attempts until he is successful, or whether he will be angry or not.
That doesn't change the fact that you had to make a decision and you made the only one you felt you could live with. Second guessing it will leave you in that place that pretends there is a lot of choice and there was "an answer" or "the answer" and had you but known it everything would be all right. It lets us allow the pure grief, because pure grief means we are without an answer. It mean we must sit in absolute helplessness and mourn the pain those we love endure, the pain we cannot change, cannot wipe out, cannot endure.
You did what you thought was right.
If Dad awakens, then tell him that you did the only thing you could at the time, the only thing you could live with. Tell him you are so sorry for his pain. Tell him you care so much about him.
If Dad doesn't awaken then know his mission was one he accomplished. Let yourself mourn your loss. Know he is at peace.
I am so sorry. Not everything has a "fix" and there is so little we are really in charge of. Sometimes there is no answer but tears.
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Susan07 Feb 2022
This answer here is the only one you need to read, it absolutely spot on correct. I have to make the decision to take my mom off of a heart medication drip that will keep her from going into full-blown a fib because she’s at that stage in her life where her heart disease is so incredibly horrible that she just keeps going back-and-forth to her assisted living to the hospital so we decided to put her on hospice and this is the same decision that I am going back-and-forth about that you are because I feel like I’m” killing her” myself by making this decision to let her body take its course. She got Covid and after Covid her bodies never recovered she now has pneumonia and she can barely even talk and breathe at the same time. Her entire family has died of this and she’s 85 and my dad passed away last year and I know it’s her time but the thing is when you can have a conversation with her and she’s clearheaded but still has the dementia but can still have a conversation do you think yourself that you’re killing them because they’re able to look at you and understand things but her quality of life is not good because she can’t do anything anymore. So your question is a valid one and I think the answer to both of our questions is the answer that Alva has given us. I needed the exact same answer that you did , and I found it here. I could think seven different ways to Sunday and what I should do or not do but we’ve decided as a family that this is the right thing for her, I hate it , it feels horrible but I don’t think anything is going to feel good.
I wish you the best of luck with everything you’re going through❤️
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AZ, you did the right thing.

If your dad wishes not to live any longer when he recovers from this suicidal act, he needs to talk to his doctors about no longer treating his physical ailments. He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist to have his depression treated. In short, he needs to approach his end of life issues in a rational way that does not harm those around him.

You have/had no way of knowing if this was a suicidal gesture gone wrong or a real act of "I no longer wish to live". If you found him, he may have assumed you would find him and save him.

Although I would be furious at a parent for doing this, consider that he may be attempting to "not be a burden". Maybe facility living would be a better idea.
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This is tough; it's hard to say if you did 'the right thing' b/c if it was your father's wish to end his life, then you threw a monkey wrench into his plans. But you did it for the right reason; because you love him and it was your gut reaction to call 911 and get help for him. I can understand your dilemma and I'm so sorry for what you're going thru and the pain you're suffering as a result.

So, if dad survives this, you need to have an honest talk. If he wants to end his life, do you live in a state where assisted suicide is legal? If so, get on board with his wishes. If not, is he going to try to take his life again? And if so, you'd need to promise not to intervene next time, I guess. It's his right to end his life if that is what he wants to do. Just have that talk so both of you are on the same page and agree that you won't call 911 next time.

Try not to play the 'would've/should've/could've' game with yourself now b/c it's a gruesome thing to do to yourself. You called 911 out of love for your father & a desire to save his life; not b/c you were trying to harm in any way. If he comes out of this and is angry with you, explain your stance; let him know how much you love him and how it was an instinctual thing you did. Don't put a big burden of blame on yourself for trying to save your father's life; what daughter wouldn't?

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for the best possible outcome here.
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Yes, you certainly did do “the right thing”, while keeping in mind that sometimes, maybe even often in elder care, there may be NO “right thing” to choose.

If he is angry when/if he wakes up, it may be because of his own suicide attempt and physical issues rather than your initiative to do right by him.

Be at peace that you did all you could on his behalf.
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When people "attempt" suicide, it is always a cry for help. So yes you did the right thing, and perhaps now your father can get the real help he needs for his depression and suicidal thoughts.
You did what any loving child would do when looking after their parent, so don't beat yourself up, but instead look on the bright side that your father will now receive the help he needs.
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 2022
FG, my mom used attempted suicide as a punishment to her family for not giving her her own way.

She only stopped the attempts when she almost succeeded.

So, I have to disagree that it is always a cry for help.

I think in this man's case, he doesn't want to descend into dementia and have no quality of life.

His mistake was doing it where his daughter would find him, that was selfish.
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There is nothing else you could have done. But now there have to be some further talks with your father about a way forward. My father succeeded in suicide. I would have stopped him if I had known. He left a letter that said he neither wanted to be in pain any longer nor to be a burden. I certainly never felt he was a burden. I think if his doctor and I had known he was in so much pain there would have been better answers. I learned that my father and mother had a suicide plan to go out together, but she kept finding excuses to wait, so he decided it wasn't her time and left alone. After he was gone I cared for my mom with Alzheimer's for 10 years. What's better, to leave the way he did or decline gradually over many years? I guess it depends on the illness and what someone can endure. I did come to understand what he did, but even after understanding, I still would have stopped him from the violent way he went out and helped him to a better solution. I miss both of my parents terribly.
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AZG I am actually now feeling quite angry on your behalf. Who's calling whom selfish?

You didn't call 911 because you're indifferent to your father's future possible suffering and couldn't bear to lose him. You called 911 because you were a responsible citizen responding appropriately to an emergency.

Has your father always been this cruel and manipulative? If he wants to kill himself, he can sign and have witnessed an advance directive refusing all medical intervention. This would relieve you of any responsibility to make impossible choices for him in the future. See he gets it done (or call his bluff, whichever applies).

I expect you think I'm being very harsh. Probably. I suppose I'm overcompensating. Because your emotional wellbeing matters too, you know, and it doesn't look as if it's been given a moment's thought.
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BarbBrooklyn avatar
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BarbBrooklyn Feb 2022
I feel exactly the same way.

I would be angry as all heck for him doing this in such a way that he knew you would find him.
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That’s rough. You did the right thing. It’s our normal reaction to try and save a loved one. You did what a normal person would do. Don’t fault yourself for your human reaction.
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Yes you did the right thing - I would have called 911 too . Stop beating yourself up . When My Mom could No longer keep her head on the pillow and swallow I called 911 with the Visiting Nurse . When my brother went into a diabetic shock I called the Nurse and then called 911 . Both of them ended up in the hospital and nursing homes and Honestly it was a Blessing because I was pretty worn down . We do Our best - that's all we can do .
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AZ
my heart goes out to you; you did the right thing, how would you feel now if you hadn’t.
please don’t feel guilty, like many others here I think Alva’s post is on target
xx
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