My father is a type 1 diabetic with mild dementia on an insulin pump and lives home alone. He was hospitalized a year ago for unknown reasons and then we had caregivers set up 7 nights a week for the past year and daytime care, but now he’s revolting and wants nights off- first it was one night off then two nights off a week.
He suffers from depression, anxiety, OCD and probably a personality disorder. He’s seeing psychiatry and a therapist.
My brother is ready to give up and let all the caregivers go and if my dad ends up in the hospital again then refuse to take him home and have him placed in a facility.
I don’t agree with letting all the caregivers go, but I’m also not willing to continue to backfill caregiver positions.
Help. I need to figure out my boundaries and how much I can support my brother. We’re having a family meeting tomorrow.
If he doesn't, and you or dad manage to salvage him so he can somehow continue to live at home, that is not a permanent solution. You'll be faced with what you are facing now over and over until he is placed. Dementia is a progressive disease. It becomes more difficult to manage day by day, week by week.
Make it easy on yourselves. Get the inevitable placement done now and ignore Wrath of Dad. You and your brother could stay on good terms, and dad will be safe where professionals can take care of him. Don't step in to do more than your share. Don't offer the moon and back to soothe dad. Do realize that by placing him, you'd be doing the best thing for your father and also your relationship with brother.
✔️ Both you & your Brother being able to decide your own limits.
✔️ Communicating these limits honestly to each other.
✔️ Understanding that limits & tolerence between siblings can differ (+ that's OK).
👏👏
Has anyone told Dad he has to keep the caregivers or he will go to a care home ?
If Dad is wanting to let go of the caregivers and no one has POA that has been invoked , then let them go and call APS . You can also try Dad’s local County Area Agency of Aging to help get him placed. Or like your brother said refuse to take him home from the hospital if he lands there .
You do not have to backfill these care holes.
He just wants to be left alone and says his house feels like “a prison” with the caregivers.
my brother manages the insulin pump and meds.
Brother needs the caregivers so he has a break!
Father needs to be told too bad the care givers are required and you cannot have a day off - the caregivers must be there or he goes to a facility.
If he has dementia he does not know what is required and what is not. I told white lies to my daddy about the facility being a new kind of hospital! Examples: The doctor has not signed you out yet, he says you need to be here before you go home. Dr. has required that this person come in and shower you. If you do not do this then we lose the insurance and YOU will have to give this person cash $1000.00. It worked - why- because money and that amount was in is long term memory and he knew that he did not want to give that kind of money away and he knew that he needed insurance.
Caregivers, facility, assistance is what brother needs - he cannot do this by himself! Bless him!
Is Dad open to discussing his situation?
He doesn’t like the the feel of care staff marching through his space & invading his privacy. OK, sure. I get that.
He doesn’t WANT that.
But he may NEED the help.
Does he understand?
Are there cognition issues? Lack of insight? Denial? Or plain old stubborness?
Now stubborn people still DO go to nursing homes. Oh yes!
When a crisis brings them to ER... depending on the event, disharge plans don't always point home. Especially for care refusers.
One example;
"I've told you & told you & told you... Choose your Nursing Home or your family will".
I overheard this yelled at a patient once by the man's obviously very frustrated Doctor 😶
That man was indeed transferred to the first free nursing home bed.
Do not pass home.
Do not collect your belongings.
The man had had many opportunities to change his trajectory & stay in his own home longer. He had agreed to services before, only to cancel once home. This time his injury was worse & his needs were higher, so he needed a rehab stay. He refused, so long-term care it was.
Happens all too often.
He’s not safe as a type 1 diabetic on his own.
Placing your dad in a Memory Care facility might be the safest option.
(or because of the insulin pump he may have to be placed in Skilled Nursing, most MC will not want a resident with dementia that has "tubes or pumps" because they tend to try to pull them out)
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