Good morning everyone, after a sleepless night. Yesterday was horrible. My younger sister, the same one who several months ago questioned why I hadn't changed the address on Mom's car registration, saw Mom yesterday to stay with her overnight. Mom was complaining of dizziness most of the day. She has had this complaint for many years, and we don't know if it is genuine or a ploy to get someone to see and stay with her. She could not tolerate an MRI, and she may be dehydrated and not eating enough. Anyway, she complained of dizziness. Through a blizzard of text messages, sister also asked what had happened to Mom's jewelry box, as sister believes there are several pieces of valuable jewelry in the box. That is not true. Older sister and Mom removed and sold all the gold pieces several months ago. Sister found the jewelry box in a different location. At 11:00 pm, younger sister called me to tell me Mom was not able to go to sleep. Sister chastised me for not consulting Mom's PCP about effects of new meds on dizziness and confusion. I did become upset with sister and told her I did not want to have this conversation at 11:00 pm. I then asked if she wanted me to come over and help Mom into bed. Big mistake. I went to Mom's AL floor, and almost as soon as I arrived, sister once again demanded to know if I had asked PCP about side effects of new meds. I told her once again I did not want to have this conversation so late at night. She said I never wanted to talk with her about this subject, that I was irresponsible. Mind you, things were heating up as Mom was still not in bed. I became more angry with sister as we moved into the living room. The "conversation" quickly degenerated as the subject moved from Mom's medical issues to questions about my POA status and how sister never wanted to be removed as POA but I had insisted on it. Not true. Sister told me several times she did not want to be alternate POA so we replaced her with older sister. That's a different story. Anyway, I was upset with sister and I did swear at her. She responded with "Are you going to hit me? Is that what you want to do?" I did not hit her. She quickly stuffed her belongings into her bags, told me I needed therapy and was crazy, and stormed out of Mom's apartment. By now it was 11:30 and Mom was sitting on her bed. My argument with sister had lasted maybe five minutes, but she left me alone with Mom. I finally got Mom into bed. She must have been exhausted, because she fell asleep quickly. After sister arrived at her home, she texted my other sister and brother that I was physically threatening to her, that I screamed at her, and that she needed to see her pastor and therapist to find a way to deal with my unacceptable behavior. I think maybe I am going crazy. This disease is just bringing out such tension among me and my siblings, when I wish we could all have patience and compassion for each other, and be in a better position to help Mom. This is my story, and you are hearing about it only through my perspective, and sister no doubt has a very different view of the conversation. I have not slept and I just feel very sad. My brother says I should just disregard sister's words and actions, but that is not easy. If anyone has advice for me, I would love to read your responses. Thank you.
Some seniors thrive on this drama and don't care enough to realize that they are the reason families are separating because of their lack of cooperation regarding their own health needs.
What the heck can you do about dizziness in the middle of the night. Your mom should have had her butt in bed at eight or nine o clock. Sister should have gone home earlier that evening or just checked in with a phone call.
Stop answering your phone after a certain time. Use your caller ID if your nuisance sister calls with her stupidity. Don't let her project her mental health issues and stress on you.
Also, stop worrying so much about mom and let the assisted living do their part.
Onice parents are in homes, accept the reality this is what it is now.
Yes to much of the advice above:
- You have POA, therefore clear responsibility and authority.
- You can direct staff to have no communication with her regarding your mother’s medical care and no authority to direct care.
- Take care of yourself (rest, therapy, activities that feed your soul, music) so that you can make better judgements in the future and show up in a way that you can be proud of and be there for your mother.
In addition,
You can stipulate all visits by this sister must be planned in advanced and supervised by a trustworthy family member. If she violates, staff can notify you. This can all be included in care plans at the assisted living facility and any hospitals.
It is difficult, but it can be managed.
Me, I would not have gone over to the AL at night. My Moms AL excepted Dementia residents. She was on the highest level of care. The got her ready for bed and put her to bed. I would check with ur Moms AL to see if this can be done. If not, time for Memory Care.
My cell phone is set for "Do not disturb" from 11pm to 9am. I would block this sister. She is the one who needs help. Stay away from her. If she asks OS why you won't talk to her, tell OS to tell her, you need a vacation away from her.
If mom needs more help than what the AL staff can and should do then mom belongs where she can get a higher level of care. That would be Memory Care or Skilled Nursing/ Long Term Care.
Set the ring on your phone from the facility to a different ring tone.
Any other calls that come in after10:00 PM can go to voicemail.
If she needs assistance, why is she paying THOUSANDS every month, when you guys come over and assist her? Better that she pays YOU, for all the rest you’re NOT getting with this arrangement.
Block Mom after 6 pm. Unblock her in the morning. The faculty can call you from THEIR number, if there is an emergency.
2. Call moms PCP about her dizziness issue, ask if it could be med related.
3. Ban sister from visiting mom at the AL. As POA, you have that right.
4. If mom has dementia, she should be in Memory Care Assisted Living, not regular AL, with nobody sleeping over and none of you putting her to bed. That's their job, not yours. MC has a much higher level of care.
5. Burn out should be at a minimum since mom is in managed care. Allow staff to manage her, and you as POA to oversee it.
6. If mom can't sleep, speak to her PCP about it.
Remember the Old saying, Too many cooks spoil the broth. Your sister is micromanaging mom because she's angry you were given POA. She's going to continue to overcomplicate life for revenge. It's up to YOU how things work moving forward. You have to set down the rules that must be followed, for MOM'S sake. Since you siblings cannot get along, you must not be allowed to gather in moms presence anymore. That's why you're telling the admin sister is no longer allowed visitation rights. She can call mom, until that goes south and you'll make adjustments as needed. Your job, as POA, is to see to it that mom is kept calm and safe and not subjected to fighting amongst her children. Figure out how to make that happen.
Good luck to you.
Everybody needs to stop running over to the AL and putting mom to bed every night. No late phone calls between you and siblings. Don't answer them. Don't make them. Let mom's caregivers help her. Mom's dizzy. Nothing new. Call the caregivers and report that she's dizzy. Then settle down at home and crochet or vacuum or something besides focusing on mom, mom, always mom.
Read the inserts that come with mom's medicines. If questions, ask her medical team. Don't engage with sis over this. You don't report to her. You've in charge. If you must, you can reply that you've read the inserts. Shrug shoulders. End of topic.
As a matter of fact, you might as well stop engaging with any of these people. Set boundaries with everyone. Lessen contact with mom. This isn't working. The dissension in mom's presence can't be comforting to her - in fact, it's the opposite. No wonder she can't go to sleep. But you know what? Eventually she will sleep. It's a given. She's not going to stay awake for days or weeks.
Have no expectation of support, help, or kumbaya moments. Stop the enmeshment. Be the adult in the room.
You can do it! Good luck.
Next, you instruct the AL to call the police or you do if your sister or any of your mother's visitors are acting up or trying to cause trouble at the facility. This is what you should have done last night instead of playing passive/aggressive text message tennis with your sister for hours then go running down to the AL at 11pm which only escalated matters.
It beggars belief that the AL would allow this kind of low-life disruptive behavior to go on especially at night. Your mother is not the only resident who lives there. Two grown women in their elderly mother's AL about ready to throw down. You didn't start it, but you escalated it by going there at 11pm.
I was a staff supervisor at a nice AL years ago. If this nonsense of inciting violence with the 'you going to hit me?' ever started up on a shift I'm working, both of you would have been spending the night in the clink because the cops would put you there. I do not play games and cannot believe the AL is so lacking on their security. Surely your mother was upset.
Also, if mom has to be put to bed by someone like a baby, it's probably time to consider a nursing home or a memory care. Definitely something to start researching and planning for.
If you are your mothers POA (medical and financial) you do not owe your sister or anyone an explanation for any actions you take or decisions you make on your mother's behalf. The AL staff will obey you because you are the one legally in charge of your mother.
Go have a talk with these people. Give them a list of who is not allowed to visit unsupervised or without an appointment that they inform you of in advance. No night-time visitors. If your mother is ill the AL night staff can call you.
"Good morning everyone, after a sleepless night. Yesterday was horrible. My younger sister, the same one who several months ago questioned why I hadn't changed the address on Mom's car registration, saw Mom yesterday to stay with her overnight. Mom was complaining of dizziness most of the day. She has had this complaint for many years, and we don't know if it is genuine or a ploy to get someone to see and stay with her. She could not tolerate an MRI, and she may be dehydrated and not eating enough. Anyway, she complained of dizziness.
Through a blizzard of text messages, sister also asked what had happened to Mom's jewelry box, as sister believes there are several pieces of valuable jewelry in the box. That is not true. Older sister and Mom removed and sold all the gold pieces several months ago. Sister found the jewelry box in a different location.
At 11:00 pm, younger sister called me to tell me Mom was not able to go to sleep. Sister chastised me for not consulting Mom's PCP about effects of new meds on dizziness and confusion. I did become upset with sister and told her I did not want to have this conversation at 11:00 pm. I then asked if she wanted me to come over and help Mom into bed. Big mistake.
I went to Mom's AL floor, and almost as soon as I arrived, sister once again demanded to know if I had asked PCP about side effects of new meds. I told her once again I did not want to have this conversation so late at night. She said I never wanted to talk with her about this subject, that I was irresponsible. Mind you, things were heating up as Mom was still not in bed. I became more angry with sister as we moved into the living room.
The "conversation" quickly degenerated as the subject moved from Mom's medical issues to questions about my POA status and how sister never wanted to be removed as POA but I had insisted on it. Not true. Sister told me several times she did not want to be alternate POA so we replaced her with older sister. That's a different story.
Anyway, I was upset with sister and I did swear at her. She responded with "Are you going to hit me? Is that what you want to do?" I did not hit her. She quickly stuffed her belongings into her bags, told me I needed therapy and was crazy, and stormed out of Mom's apartment. By now it was 11:30 and Mom was sitting on her bed. My argument with sister had lasted maybe five minutes, but she left me alone with Mom. I finally got Mom into bed. She must have been exhausted, because she fell asleep quickly.
After sister arrived at her home, she texted my other sister and brother that I was physically threatening to her, that I screamed at her, and that she needed to see her pastor and therapist to find a way to deal with my unacceptable behavior.
I think maybe I am going crazy. This disease is just bringing out such tension among me and my siblings, when I wish we could all have patience and compassion for each other, and be in a better position to help Mom. This is my story, and you are hearing about it only through my perspective, and sister no doubt has a very different view of the conversation.
I have not slept and I just feel very sad. My brother says I should just disregard sister's words and actions, but that is not easy. If anyone has advice for me, I would love to read your responses. Thank you."
I agree with BarbBrooklyn... why is family still doing Mom's bedtime routine if she's in AL? If she's having trouble sleeping, has her doctor been consulted about meds for that (or any other meds)? If so is she responsible to take those herself? If so, how does anyone know if she's actually taking them?
Why are you pandering to your sister? Has she always bullied and manipulated you? It may be very fruitful for you to talk to a therapist so that you can get an objective perspective on this situation and identify and defend healthy boundaries. Caring for your Mom isn't going to end for a while and if family is going to be involved, then all the more reason to problem solve how to walk through that fire without getting burned every time.
In the future if you have to be together with this same sister you may want to consider telling her that since she made a false accusation about you, all future interactions with her you will now video. If she refuses then get up and walk out. That would be one of my boundaries, especially since she is then running to her siblings and "tattling" on you, but about something every serious. Or, at the very minimum insist on leaving the door open so that people outside can see you interacting with her. Like when I was in college, my male professors didn't meet with female students in their office unless the door was kept open. To protect themselves from false accusations.
FYI I've been an elder in 2 different churches and there are many mentally unstable people who attend church (and some create a lot of chaos there as well). I truly hope she does talk to her Pastor and tells him/her the truth -- and that that pastor is wise in their advice to her. If she is given strictly Biblical advice, she's not gonna like it because it will put the responsibility back onto her to better manage how she interacts with you in a Christ-like way.
I wish you much clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you figure out healthy ways to interact with your family.
I would tell your sister that she is to communicate with you ONLY by snail mail in future. If she has a problem she can consult an attorney of her choice. That you are taking care of things to the best of your ability, that you are the POA and will handle issues to the best of your ability and as you see fit.
If you need a restraining order, then get one.
Time for this to end.
Tell sister that any and all texts from her will be eliminated without reading. Medical emergencies should be reported to ALF or AMS.
Time for your setting your boundaries and maintaining them. This is cruel for your mother to have to witness. You may need to keep your sister from visiting if she is hounded your helpless mother. I would seek a meeting with the admins of the ALF and ask them to be alert, report concerns to you.
You have so many people, with different feels, different ways of handling this and different issues going on in there head, and there trying to handle there life's problems too.
I know, I get it , I go through the same stuff in my own life. I get it but I have no good answer for you.
I think thinking about my brother that is poa, trying to think what would help me get along better with him, would be if he respected how I feel. Maybe if we all had more respect for each other. And more gratitude towards what we are all doing, instead of anger towards what we are not doing.
Also you are all burned out and your moms in AL , do they not do anything in the AL ?
Like your sister should of been more respectful that you got the meds that you did all that. And greatfull. It's sounds like you could also use some gratitude towards your family that they are just trying to do the best we can all do in this really crappy situation we where all giving.
Hope that came out right, and was somewhat helpful. You are absolutely, most definitely not alone.
Yes, it would be nice if you could all show some compassion. No, it doesn't always happen.
Going to therapy isn't a sign of weakness or craziness; you need to be strong to dig into your issues .
Why is it ANYONE'S job to show up to get mom to bed ? Mom is in Assisted Living. She has assistance.