Fed up, sick with stress, and dealing with major burnout.

My Mom has dementia and my Dad is in wheelchair. There are 5 of us kids(2 never show up ever), but I am the only one during the day that's physically capable of transferring Dad on/off toilet/bed, switching chairs . I am just beginning counseling next week for myself. My husband is nearly dragging me to go on walks because I feel so responsible for my parents that I don't do anything! I canceled vaca plans because they will have no-one to help. I can't put them in assisted living, my heart can't do it after my FIL passed away in one. I guess answering your question I would suggest some therapy for you and your husband on how to deal with everything that's effecting both of you. I pray you can find some calm.

I feel your pain. I have taken care of my father for 20 years and the last two years, it got to be more than I could handle but he has always expected me to be his full tine caregiver. He is now in a facility after a pretty long process and battle. Is it possible for your parents to go to a facility so that you can focus on you and your husband? People who are not caregivers have NO idea how hard it is and the emotional struggles associated with it are sometimes worse than the physical. I have also gained weight but I'm slowly finding myself again. I have never weighed this much and I look awful but I'm trying hard to live again. Please put yourself and your husband first. Blessings

Time for them to go into an Assisted Living/ Memory care. Stress can cause lots of problems especially trying to conceive in your late 30s. Its hard enough without stress. Your husband lack of compassion does not help either. I know strong marriages where the couples have no children. My BIL and SIL for one, married 55 yrs, no children.

I feel for you. Although my mom is only in the beginning parts of dementia and still able to do a lot on her own (when she feels like it), however I really can’t stand to be with her for more than a half hour. She is capable of doing more than she does and her motto is (always has been) if she wants, what she wants, when she wants 😖. I make her dress herself, toilet herself and feed herself (I prepare foods). It is amazing how much she says she forgets, even though I know she knows more than what she admits by the way she talks. Is it bad that I don’t care to keep company with her anymore? I feel guilty but it is called self preservation! My sisters come when they can for a week, every month or so. They understand my frustration

Try Meditating and yoga to clear the cortisol . I gained a ton of weight too and I was running around and Hardly eating .

Many of us feel exactly the same way. I hardly ever get to go out anymore.

Sorry you are going through this at such a young age. It is unfair. You are too young to have to be dealing with caregiving elderly parents while you are trying to build a family.

I am a lot older than you and have the feelings you describe. The whole long drawn out caregiving process has left me emotionless. Most of the past five years I have spent handling my parents' issues. My 95 yo mother passed away two weeks ago and I really don't feel bad about it, sadly. I mostly feel that a giant boulder was removed from my shoulders and just an immense relief. I still have my dad in the NH so the slog still continues on indefinitely.

Seek some therapy and figure out how you can get out from under this burden or ease the load somewhat. Hope you have a good infertility specialist. My daughter needed one to build her family of four kids.

Good luck to you.

Green claw, I am so sorry, everything you are feeling is normal, you are so burntout because this is so unfair to you.

You have to put your family first. The family you are trying to build. This is so unfair to you, your family, and your health.

So now it's time to change your life. First step was asking for help. If your like me asking for help from anyone is so hard. Your a giver , givers give , they don't think they need help, until you are at rock bottom. So be proud of yourself for asking for help.

Second step, id say would be to get yourself a good therapist. Take one step at a time, to change your life

Another step I would suggest is learn about codependency. Read. Melody Beattys books. Codependency No more.

And maybe get an antidepressants if you feel that would help you. It helps a lot

Learn mindfulness and meditation,maybe some yoga.

Also the book Out Of the Fog

If I think of others I'll be back. Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted.

Mom should be in Assisted Living or possibly even Long Term Care / Skilled Nursing ( a level of care that will meet her needs)
Dad should be in Memory Care so that his care needs are met.
YOU should not be responsible for caring for either or both of them. Their care combined is more than 1 person can manage.
Begin looking or a facility that can care for both of them.
If need be begin the process of applying for Medicaid.
Might be wise to see an Elder Care Attorney.

Contact your doctor tell them that you need to get a referral for a therapist. If you do not need a referral, great just call and make an appointment. You need to be able to talk and vent and start your own journey of healing.

The next thing you do is book a weekend getaway for you and your husband.

Please consider therapy for yourself. You have been steeped in the "parents first" for all your life and you need a wise and objective perspective from a good therapist so you can identify and defend healthy boundaries.

Your husband and future family are your priority, not your parents. This doesn't mean you don't love or care about your parents, but they are grown adults who (no matter what they think or say) are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and having their own plan for their sunset care. They want it to be you, but it can't be you.

Yes, there will be angry tantrums, attempted manipulations, threats of disinheritance, the silent treatment -- all sorts of Kabuki Theater which you should ignore and walk away from. Just so you are mentally and emotionally prepared that it *will* get worse before it finally gets better -- and normal-- for you and your husband. Hopefully you're not dependent on them financially for anything, since you will definitely need to sever that tie.

I went through fertility issues to conceive 2 of my 3 sons, so I get it. FYI my 3rd son was a surprise "freebee" so infertility is not a permanent condition, even without interventions. My OB specialist said fertility is never a matter of "if", only a matter of "when". It was certainly true for me.

I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find your independence and protect it.

Of course all this undue stress is causing your health issues, infertility and burn out.
So just STOP already!!! Where is it written that a child has to give up their life, health and future for their parents??? That would be NO WHERE!!!
Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and put your big girl pants on and tell your parents that you are done with being at their beck and call, and that going forward your husband and your marriage will come first. Period. End of sentence.
Your parents need way more help than you can provide anyway, so quit trying to keep them propped in their false reality that all is well as long as we have our daughter at our beck and call.
All is not well(in more ways than one)and it's now time for your parents to hire full-time in home help with their money or move into an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached for your dad in the near future.
And it's time for you to find your voice again and let your parents know that you will not be running to their aid any longer, and if they need help they can either, hire help, move in a facility or just call 911.
You can do this. You, your husband and your marriage deserve SO much better!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds incredibly tough. Please know that you're not alone, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Have you considered seeking support, whether through a therapist, support group, or respite care? Taking care of yourself is crucial too.

Apply The Holiday Test. If you & your DH left next week, for 2 weeks to

How old are your parents ? Why have you had to deal with all their emergencies your whole adult life ( 15-20 years ) ?

They have groomed you to be the solution to all their problems .Based on your age , I’m assuming they weren’t that old when this nonsense started where you come to the rescue .

You move forward by telling them you can no longer do this , that they need to go in a facilty . Period . You have a marriage and a life to live . Your parents will need more and more help .

You did not make them old , you can’t fix old for them . A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping them , let them fail .”

Don”t answer the phone all the time , let it go to voice mail . You can listen , then call back after you’ve thought about what you will say . Also try to limit the calls back .

For falls or medical emergencies , if they call you , don’t run . Tell them to call 911. An ambulance will get them straight into the ER without sitting in the waiting room .

Your parents need either in home paid caregivers or to move into managed care now. Your husband should come first and just because your parents expect you to be at their beck and call, doesn't mean you MUST be at their beck and call! Focus on your own health before you wind up passing away before they do, God forbid, it happens.

Sometimes caregivers like yourself need to hear the hard truth before they realize it's not written in stone that they have to suffer Burn Out caring for elderly parents. Or prop them up to live at home alone under the illusion of " independence" when in reality, it's you doing all the work to KEEP them there!

Best of luck to you getting out from under this anchor