How do I deal with this? I’m fed up with living in a “dump”.
I’ve been taking care of my mother who Dementia for 6 years. The house we live in is falling apart. The furniture is thread bare and over 30 yrs old, the carpet is stained, the wallpaper is peeling off, the kitchen linoleum is stained and falling apart, the porch needs repair; the yard needs to be completely reseeded, etc.
However, my mother does not see any of this. Every time I approach her about repairing and updating anything, she goes into a rant “This is my house, don’t touch anything, this is my house” over and over and over again.
I actually purchased the house from my parents with both of their full knowledge 7 years ago before my Dad died.
If this isn’t bad enough, when I got home from work, my laptop and printer were destroyed, my sewing machine was pushed down the steps outside, my quilting pieces were in the outside garbage, and the small sewing room (in the laundry room) I had set up was decimated.
My brother, who was watching her, was outside fixing his truck most of the day and didn’t notice because he ignores her attitude by turning off his hearing aids.
I can’t live like this anymore. The longer I wait to fix things the worse it gets. Any Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
9 Answers
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My parents neglected their house for 50 years, other than painting the outside. It was in a poor state of repair when I got here from termites and water. My mother is all that's left now and she has the attitude that as long as the house holds out until she dies, she is okay. I have to approach her in a roundabout way to get some repairs done. I tell her if we don't get some damage fixed, then water is going to keep working on it and make things a lot worse. She dreads things getting worse, so tells me to find someone right away to fix it. It's a bit irritating that she always sees a problem as a new one, even though I know it's been going on for years.
I have to say that if I ever came home and found my stuff thrown out and broken, it would be my last day as caregiver. I don't owe anybody that, no matter what is wrong with them. I would call the police, get a report, then replace anything broken from her money. I would let the police decide how to proceed. Baker acting sounds very good in a situation like this. I'm glad she didn't throw you down the steps!
I know many families would prefer not to place their parent in continuing care, but sometimes a higher level of care is needed for that person, it is in their best interest. Maybe Mom can be placed while the remodeling is being done, then brought back home... or maybe she would like staying where she is, being around people of her own generation. But first her anger would need to be put under control. If Mom cannot pay for such care, see if she would qualify for Medicaid, which would help pay.
Angel
This says it all. She doesn't own the house; she doesn't make the rules. You don't have to put up with this.
Has your mother seen a doctor? It may be time for an evaluation and perhaps medication for anxiety and anger. It is simply unacceptable that she destroyed your things. No one deserves that. You are being abused and if she is unwilling to seek treatment, its time for her to live elsewhere.
Angel
Fix it. If your mother has difficulty with agitation, she needs to be seen by a doctor, preferably a geriatric psychiatrist, for meds to help with this problem.