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I am at my wits end. My mom has been in and out of the hospital, rehabs and staying at my house in between so I could care for her because my 3 sisters would not commit to a schedule this past year. I have a family with two teenagers and a husband. I also work fulltime. My mom finally has recovered to come home from hip surgeries, cdiff, UTIs, stroke etc. She also has both Covid vaccinations but is considered high fall risk as her bones are fragile and frail. She’s pretty independent with dressing and toileting. However she can’t bathe herself or keep up with hygiene. She can’t take out trash, do laundry or do much around her apt. She can’t go outside either as she’s too frail. She is not showing much motivation to cook. Her doctor arranged two aides to come in, one in am and one in pm, to help with light cleaning, bathing, trash, heating up meals I’ve prepared and anything else that may prevent a fall risk. My mom has been rude to the aides. Refuses to have them help her and just sits there. I’m so mad. My sisters don’t help, it’s just me.


I handle her bills, banking, medical papers, SSI papers, every piece of paperwork. I’m her contact person (proxy) so doctors call me and I arrange appts, transportation etc. I can’t do it all. I’m so upset my mom can’t see this. Her homecoming from 3 months away has been awful. I dropped meals off last week, cleaned house, set up medication delivery, and did her laundry but have since stayed away. I’m too upset. I can’t handle that I am treated lower than the 3 sisters who don’t call, come see her or help. I’m actively looking for assisted living because she really can’t live alone without a lot of help and she’s isolated and I just can’t keep running to my mom's house everyday. It’s been a week and I’m waiting to see what happens. I want her to see who actually helps. So far nobody has been at her house. I have no idea if this is a wake up call to her or not but I’m tired of being used and taken advantage of while my sisters all drink and live totally dysfunctional lives and lie and make up excuses. Any advice appreciated.

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"Mom, I can't do this anymore" is the hardest conversation I've ever had.

But I told my mom that I could no longer respond to her increasing needs and that she needed to be somewhere other than home to get the level of care, socialization and help that she needed.

If mom had pushed back and said "I'll be fine by myself" we ALL would have stepped back and let the chips fall where they might.

As posters before me have noted, YOUR family is your priority, especially those teenaged children, who need more care and guidance than you can imagine right now.

Please remember that this arrangement needs to work for everyone, not just the care-receiver. "That doesn't work for me" and "I can't possibly do that" are perfectly acceptable sentiments. You are not your parent's servent, ever.
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Moe, I don't know if any of us have said this explicitly, but don't expect your mother to "come to a realization". You have to say "Mom, I can't keep doing this. Either you let the aides do their job or you will need to move to AL. Those are your choices".

Hickjacking YOUR life is not on offer and that needs to be explicitly pointed out to her.
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Moejie Mar 2021
Barb, it’s been one week. My mom has not called me. I will not bring her meals or do anything again this week to prove my point to her and my sisters. I’m so fed up and realize I probably have been enabling everyone. I still have a lot of anger and hurt fir various reasons.
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You’d be doing yourself a huge favor if you get past the anger and resentment toward your sisters. They are adults and free to make their own choices about being involved in mom’s care. They may or may not be right, but it’s still their choice and being mad about it only hurts you. You’ve clearly stated that mom needs more help than you can provide and it’s great that you’ve backed off in an attempt to help her see that. Decide what you will and won’t do going forward, prioritize your own family and health. I wish you peace in this and am glad you’re looking for alternative living arrangements for your mom
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Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. I do speak to a counselor as of recent and she says same thing. My sisters have made their decisions and I can’t change it. I do have to work on myself. Stop caring who helps and who doesn’t. My moms quality life is awful right now. AL will add some socialization and opportunity to go outside. Plus help and safety.
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You have a "sit down talk" with mom.
She either accepts help from the caregivers that come in 2 times a day
and
you stop doing all the tasks the aides are being paid to do.
or
When next she falls she will not be able to come home from rehab. You will tell them prior to discharge that she is unsafe at home. You can not take her into your home so they will have to help find placement for her.
(that is IF she recovers from the next fall. Let that sink in a bit and see how she responds)

the problem with looking for Assisted Living is that you can not force her to move. she must be willing to make the move to AL.
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Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. Dr has told us that my mom prob won’t survive another fall/break/surgery and hospitalization. She has now been post op delerius a few times. She gets c diff, UTIs, dehydration, low blood blood, blood loss etc. it cyclical at this point whenever she’s had surgery. I’m terrified for the next fall. She has fallen 3 times in past 3 years. She uses a walker for her baseline so doing stuff for herself is challenging with walker.
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I agree with other posters about putting yourself and your family first. I understand your stress levels are really high at the moment and that you don’t feel ready to “have the conversation “ with your mother. I went through a similar situation late last year when I had to speak to my mother about moving out of our house and into supported living. It helped me to write down how I was feeling, what I could and couldn’t do for her, moving forward, and finally I put together a kind of script I could practise and then use for “the talk”. This also allowed me to calm myself beforehand. It wasn’t easy but writing it all down got the swirling thoughts out of my head and allowed me to stay focused on what needed to be said and done. It was also worthwhile for me to think about and write down what I would do if she said “No”. Thankfully we didn’t need to go down that route, and although the talk was difficult and I met with some resistance, I suspect things would have been even more difficult without this preparation. Maybe this approach could help you?
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"Then I discussed AL. She is actually open to it. Admitted siblings are if no help but she’s their mom and still loves them. I said I wouldn’t expect anything less as I’m a mom myself but it’s not fair to me. So we are off to good start."

Well, that was good news! Hopefully she won't change her mind, but you've already had the "talk", so just repeat it if you need to!

Also good to acknowledge her care for the others, even if they don't help or don't call or visit, etc. I would not really discuss them with her, at least not what they do and don't do.

"Siblings keep criticizing me. However they offer no other suggestions."

If they aren't part of the solution, they are part of the problem. Clearly they are NOT part of the solution. I wouldn't take calls from them. If they email or text, don't bother responding. Archive their nasty messages, just in case you ever have to take further steps to stop them. They have their opinions and criticisms, just ignore. You can't change them. If the calls continue, block their numbers. If that leads to nastier emails or texts, you can block those as well.

Once she is safely in the AL, you can be her daughter again ( with a few duties on the side) and visit. You won't be doing all that other stuff so you will have time to visit (and some time for yourself, the kids, hubby.) If mom balks about the AL, use this as another incentive - she missed seeing you, but if she's in AL, you won't be running around doing errands, you can come and have NICE visits together!

Hoping it all works out!
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I understand the stress put on one sibling for a parent when the other kids drop it all on you. I lived in another state where I loved my life and home. My brothers,all retired, asked if I could move closer to share the care of my mom.I sold my house and my life to help. Little did I know is what they meant was for me to take on all responsibility of her care. I take care of groceries, bills ,Dr visits and all financial issues.For the last 4 years I have been dealing with her all by myself with no visits from her sons who all live within a 10 mile radiance.. The stress has gotten so bad sometimes that I have just exploded and left her in her melt downs. I also found out that as long as I was there it fed her anxiety attacks.I guess it was the fact that someone was there to listen.She is now going into the later stages of dementia so I am having to put her in a care facility. I worry that when it is all said and done and she has past away I will never have anything to do with my brothers again. So sad. But unfortunately leaving it to one person to deal with the parent is the norm. Everyone I have talked to in this situation says the same thing. Maybe it's just that they don't want the memory of how the mother has changed from before.I sometime wonder if I were in their spot and one of them was taking care of mom would I have fallen into the same action as they are. I wouldn't think so but who knows. Watching ones love one going down isn't pleasant.
Making the decision of putting her in a home is the hardest decision you will make but also the most freeing. The stress level dropped instantly.With her every day saying she wished she was dead and the playing on my emotions so I will do what she wants I realized it was time for professionals to take over. The place she is going is wonderful and I can visit all I want without the stress of wondering if she is out and about,not knowing who she is, walking the neighborhood . I hope this has helped some but if nothing else you know you are not alone
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jakki12 Mar 2021
thanks you for sharing! I relate to so much of what you said.
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Never mind about the useless sisters. Arrange for aides until AL is available. Use a reputable agency or private references to find help that understands they may be working with a difficult and unco-operative client. Your mother is not likely to be their first difficult client.

Do the things you are able to do. Aides should be handling meals, medications etc. Don't let your mother's bad behavior manipulate you into trying to do it all. Your mother doesn't have to like needing help and she doesn't have to party with her aides. She needs to be kept safe and clean. If she comes around to being willing to engage more with her aides, great. If not--her choice.
Do not continue to compare yourself to your unhelpful sisters. Disregard your mother's sticking up for them if that 's what she is doing. Arguing back to defend yourself will only fuel your mother's and sistets' cricisms. Know what you will do; do it; that's it.
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Lay down the law.

Life is made of choices and the reaping the consequences of them. Joseph a son of Jehovah

As far as being rude with the aides merely inform her she has a choice: being respectful to those who come to help her or go fight with the staff in a seniors home. There is no negotiating.

Concerning your sisters merely inform them that if they refuse to help you will have a contract made up and be paid for your services. That is what I did. The family hates it but after me doing everything for six years and getting crapped on for gratitude I put stop to it. Mom is much more respectful to me and appreciative.
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You are looking at and treating your mother as if she was the same person that she was before she began to decline mentally and physically. Instead of trying to punish her into appreciating you more, you need to sit down with your sisters and talk about responsibilities and issues about your mother. If your sisters will not do it then get your mother’s POAs in order and take charge.
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