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Your anger is misdirected. Just as you have made the choice to help your mother, your sisters have made the choice to not help her. I doubt your sisters view their choices as not helping you. It seems like your sisters don't think much about helping anyone. They live dysfunctional lives and so why would you think that in this matter they would all of a sudden become functional?

You need to have a sit down with your mother. It won't be pleasant but it's long overdue. IMO, it is a bad idea for anyone to assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority i.e. durable POA. Your mother also needs to get her living will and will in order. She needs an appointment with an attorney who can draw up all her important paperwork. If she refuses then take a big step back.

Stop running to her house every day. You have children and a husband. They come first. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. She cannot live alone. Plans need to be made for her longterm care. I suspect your mother believes that you will return to dropping meals off, cleaning house, setting up medication delivery, and doing her laundry. She's playing a game of chicken.

It is terribly hard and sad to go through this. Good for you that you have stepped away. When you do cool off and see your mother again, be resolved in your determination to get her to see the reality of her not being capable of living alone. She needs AL.

Start researching ALs in your area. Tour them first by yourself or with your husband or a trusted friend. Then arrange for your mother to get a tour of the ones you feel meet your mother's needs and are in her budget. One step at a time.
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Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. These are words I needed to hear from you and other responses. I thought her coming home would be happy and it’s not. It’s made me realize how much I do and how I don’t take care of myself and just feel used. I do have to cool and calm down before I talk to mom. Her rent went up, she has little funds and there is one AL that will take her as her doctor is affiliated here and the rent is subsidized. I have no other options because of her little budget. It’s a nice place, highly rated too.
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Writing a script beforehand is a great idea!

Moe, if the doctor is telling YOUR MOTHER that she won't survive another hospitalization and she is chosing not to accept help from aides, she is making a conscious choice.

You can't care more about a person's well-being more than they care themselves.

Has anyone suggested a hospice evaluation?

Strokes can cause vascular dementia. Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist to stage her cognitive decline, see about depression, anxiety and her overall ability to make good decisions?
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Moejie Mar 2021
Barb, I’ve never heard of vascular dementia. I’m going to look into that. Her doctor is a geriatric specialist. She did see vascular surgeon who cleared her after finding she had aortic Aneurysm that hasn’t grown. She is due for follow up with neurologist after stroke soon. I definitely see a cognitive decline and just happiness gone. She does have a daughter who left a year ago this week and went out of state and has never visited, doesn’t call or check in etc. my mom calls them all the time and her adult grandson but they don’t call my mom back. I watch this from camera we have. It’s heart breaking. I can see that this in particular has affected her mental well being drastically. It’s killing her slowly.
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I agree with other posters about putting yourself and your family first. I understand your stress levels are really high at the moment and that you don’t feel ready to “have the conversation “ with your mother. I went through a similar situation late last year when I had to speak to my mother about moving out of our house and into supported living. It helped me to write down how I was feeling, what I could and couldn’t do for her, moving forward, and finally I put together a kind of script I could practise and then use for “the talk”. This also allowed me to calm myself beforehand. It wasn’t easy but writing it all down got the swirling thoughts out of my head and allowed me to stay focused on what needed to be said and done. It was also worthwhile for me to think about and write down what I would do if she said “No”. Thankfully we didn’t need to go down that route, and although the talk was difficult and I met with some resistance, I suspect things would have been even more difficult without this preparation. Maybe this approach could help you?
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"Mom, I can't do this anymore" is the hardest conversation I've ever had.

But I told my mom that I could no longer respond to her increasing needs and that she needed to be somewhere other than home to get the level of care, socialization and help that she needed.

If mom had pushed back and said "I'll be fine by myself" we ALL would have stepped back and let the chips fall where they might.

As posters before me have noted, YOUR family is your priority, especially those teenaged children, who need more care and guidance than you can imagine right now.

Please remember that this arrangement needs to work for everyone, not just the care-receiver. "That doesn't work for me" and "I can't possibly do that" are perfectly acceptable sentiments. You are not your parent's servent, ever.
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Wow, that's a lot on anyone's plate, both for your mom and you/your family.

No where in your post did I see the words "dementia" or "Alzheimers". You have described someone with one of those 2. But she may also have other medical issues going on, like a UTI or thyroid or over/under-medication, etc. and these should be discounted as well as getting her doc to give her a cognitive/memory test (if you can manage this -- and the forum participants can suggest how).

Your own family is a priority over your mother's care. This can be very difficult to internalize but you must. It sounds like your mom needs more care than you can give, and your sisters are in no way obligated to participate so I would not pursue it with them any more. Also, they don't sound like reliable, responsible adults anyway.

Who has PoA for your mom? This is the person who should now be looking to activate this authority by reading the documents and moving forward with a realistic care plan for your mom. If no one has PoA and your mom refuses to get these documents into place, then you would either need to pursue guardianship (which takes time and can be very expensive) or do nothing and wait for an "incident" that warrants a call by you to APS or one that lands her in the ER (and then make sure they are informed she is an "unsafe discharge"). The hospital social workers would then put the wheels in motion for the county to get guardianship and get her placed. If the county has guardianship then they control all of her life, including medical and financial.

Please choose your family over your mother. This does NOT mean you don't love her. But there is no sense in sinking your entire family while trying to keep your mom "afloat". She needs AL or some other form of a care arrangement, for her own good, and yours as well. May you gain peace in your heart as you come to understand some difficult realities.
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Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. My mom doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or Dementia but her dr did say she has declined cognitively but not enough that it would seriously affect her yet. However the stroke she had affected mood. So that could explain some of her changes too. I do think I need PoA at this point. Her dr agrees with AL. It’s just telling her but right now I’m too upset to even talk to her because it will not be pleasant and I don’t want to say anything I will regret.
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You’d be doing yourself a huge favor if you get past the anger and resentment toward your sisters. They are adults and free to make their own choices about being involved in mom’s care. They may or may not be right, but it’s still their choice and being mad about it only hurts you. You’ve clearly stated that mom needs more help than you can provide and it’s great that you’ve backed off in an attempt to help her see that. Decide what you will and won’t do going forward, prioritize your own family and health. I wish you peace in this and am glad you’re looking for alternative living arrangements for your mom
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Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. I do speak to a counselor as of recent and she says same thing. My sisters have made their decisions and I can’t change it. I do have to work on myself. Stop caring who helps and who doesn’t. My moms quality life is awful right now. AL will add some socialization and opportunity to go outside. Plus help and safety.
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You have a "sit down talk" with mom.
She either accepts help from the caregivers that come in 2 times a day
and
you stop doing all the tasks the aides are being paid to do.
or
When next she falls she will not be able to come home from rehab. You will tell them prior to discharge that she is unsafe at home. You can not take her into your home so they will have to help find placement for her.
(that is IF she recovers from the next fall. Let that sink in a bit and see how she responds)

the problem with looking for Assisted Living is that you can not force her to move. she must be willing to make the move to AL.
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Moejie Mar 2021
Thank you. Dr has told us that my mom prob won’t survive another fall/break/surgery and hospitalization. She has now been post op delerius a few times. She gets c diff, UTIs, dehydration, low blood blood, blood loss etc. it cyclical at this point whenever she’s had surgery. I’m terrified for the next fall. She has fallen 3 times in past 3 years. She uses a walker for her baseline so doing stuff for herself is challenging with walker.
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