I feel frustrated, mad, tired, worn out and alone. I don't feel like I have what it takes and I want to run away. How can I get through this? i feel bad and i am frustrated and mad. i am tired worn out and feel alone so very alone with decisions. family gives advice but no one will help. people offer explanation as to why bad things happen. i am so worn out. i dont feel like i have what it takes. i want to run away. i feel so abondoned.
My only suggestion, since you're the sole caregiver, is to identify the things your parents -- and husband -- can do on their own. Teach them "how to fish" so they can feed themselves. As long as they keep saying "Jump" and you respond "How high?" nothing is going to change.
One of the pitfalls of caregiving is having your self-esteem, self-respect, and identity dictated by others. Your sense of self-worth hinges on how quickly you can satisfy other people's wants, needs, and whims. And if you've gone through that all your life chances are you don't know who you really are.
There's no doubt you're going through psychological abuse complete with emotional blackmail. Instead of running away, try learning to manipulate the situation to your advantage or level the playing field. You're a lot stronger than you think.
I am right there with you caring for my father who is slowly dying of lung disease. I've been through hell with hospitals, nursing homes, and finally decided to bring dad home and hire caregivers. Even with caregivers 12 hours a day I am feeling the way you do.
What I've done is to reach out to my church and try to find some counseling - just someone who I can talk to and vent to and express my fears, concerns. It helps. If you're not part of a church, see if you can find some counseling or a local support group for caregivers. Ask your doctor or the doctor of the person you're caring for for recommendations for support for you.
To take the stress of myself I have also decided to take a leave of absence from my job. Now at least I don't have the added pressure of needing to be somewhere at a certain time or the worry of how dad and the caregiver are doing. I'm also available to help the caregiver out so we work as a team.
If you don't have caregivers helping you - look into it. Just having someone else in the house to bounce things off of and to have company helps also.
Hope this helps some.
2old, put some locks on your bedroom and bathroom doors!!!!! I wonder if your spouse might not be somewhat like what I once was in walkig on eggshells around you and your mother.
Either spouse can only take so much of feeling like you have someone in your life more important than them and after some time it just feels like you are not really married anymore and if you have children then you begin to feel like a single parent which in many ways is true.
How in the world, some people preach sermons, teach, and write artcles as well as books about marriage, divorce and adultery but never talk about this kind of emotional boundary issue but them want to condem the same people for getting a divorce is beyond me? The Bible is very clear about the importance of married people spending time alone with each other and to not do so puts the person in a position of great temptation. What one person does by making the other spouse feel second class does not excuse what they might do in the face of temptation, but it does help explain it. From my perspective, there are many more affairs of the heart than there are affairs of the flesh. Some folks need to do some serious waking up about either being their spouse's wife or husband vs their elderly parent's subsititute spouse or little kid once again who is so afraid of or obligatted to or feel guilty about which leads to sacrificing one's marital vows, parental responsibilities, etc. on the altar of twisted sick thinking; an unhealthy personality; or toxic religion.
I didn't know much about boundaries until I started coming around here. There's lots of different ways. I mean, human dignity deserves some privacy. Your mom will do what you allow. How about a new sheriff in town? Perhaps a lock upon your door! You and your hubby may find some new found joy...and your mom will have to pick on someone else. If you turn her world upside down, she won't know what to expect next, and may even start behaving, if you do it right. ~Just saying... Best wishes, and have fun with that. You and your husband could get real creative...outwitting an old fox. Would love to read how it works out.
Best of luck. It wont always be like this.
My husband prepared a lovely dinner for the two of us with candels and the whole nine yards, Crab legs, shrimp, ect which none of that she will eat, so he grills her a hamburger and we told her we were going to do this thing. She eats her hamburger then says she is going to bed. When we started to sit down at the table to have our time, she comes in the dining room, sits down at the table, lites a cigerette and turns the tv on blast. Ruined our minute. I hope I don't loose my husband because he is a saint for putting up with all this.
I know your feeling sooooo well. Mine and dads relationship was the same he'd been with us 5 years. I literally couldn't be on my own with him, the women in our family had to stick together. Dad was inappropriatly touching me and had started to extend this to others. I just so wanted him out of the house. Had to get outside help when he did something to a junior family member. I have had to refuse to have him home. He is in hospital waiting for a care home. The social services are keeping him there for our safety. I go to see him, he is still my dad and I love him, our relationship does seem better.
Thanks for writing in. I encourage you to keep doing so and to get as much support as you can from our little online community.
Schedule some time off. Maybe that is just every Thursday or every other Monday afternoon or something. Adult day cares are a great idea. But if you have family members who can't provide caregiving themselves (due to distance or whatever) then you can ask them to contribute money for an in-home caregiver visit. There are a lot of good companies out there that do provide this caregiver relief.
Best of Luck,
I started to loose my self and was having depression issues of uncontrollable crying fits. I was tire, frustrated, angry, and exhausted. I wanted my caregiving life to stop, and have some else do the duty of being nurse, physical therapist, bather, dresser, chef, chauffeur (dr's appt), and bathroom attendant, etc...
This is a great site to find compassion and support. It helped me get through my darkest days. I found resources I never thought of.
1) Senior Day care- place where nurses and facilitator's work with senior to enhance their lives for a period of time during the day, with activities, social interaction, meals and safe environment. A caregiver can get time for themselves to refuel and rest.
2) Advice and law,social serves, and references.
3) Emotional Therapy-vent and gain loving words and support. Receive hugs from friends.
I'm at the next stage in caregiving. I can handle and take thing in stride. I still have still have emotional breakdowns once in a while, but not as much as before. Remember your never alone.
Someone said to me was, "you are an angel... don't every forget what you have done for your mom." There are angels everywhere! You just need to see the "angels" around you, waiting to be called for duty.
-God /send prayers-he'll answer
-Senior Day Care- low cost and gives you some rest
-AgingCare site-support/friendship/great advice
-In home care help-hire an agency to help with companionship, light house keeping, meals, transportation to doctor's appointments, bathing, dressing, respite care (time for you to rest)
Other things to help:
-find a hobby or get back your passion. Don't have time- make time, make an appointment with yourself (will do wonders for your energy reserve)
-exercise- it's a great stress reliever. Just go out walk the block, punch a pillow, try Wii
-go out and just breathe and sit with nature surrounding you.
Best wishes to you, sending hugs.
Caring for yourself while caring for your aging parents : how to help, how to survive Author: Berman, Claire.
I found it in our public library and wished I had had it a year ago.
It is a wonderful resource, but most importantly it addresses the feelings and welfare of the caregiver.
The symptoms of feeling alone, tired, worn out, and fustrated-seem to be part of caregiver burnout. Thus you have to decide-where to go from here. If the person is ambulatory, there may be options like day care- or even have someone from a reputal agency come in to give you some assistance.
As it has been said many times - here in this forum- to become good at caregiving, you have to take care of yourself. If you do NOT-you can become burnt out, and your immune system maybe compomised. So in essence, you need to take some me time-to sit back and reflect where your caregiver journey is headed---and what can you do to remain on the straight and narrow...this may not be easy to accomplish, however it may become necessary.
There may even be support groups in your are-where you can vent and receive feedback from others--if so, I suggest that your partake.
I have been a caregiver-and very much understand your feelings--and this is why I have made the suggestions to you-and hope that they are some help.
Good luck--and please keep us informed. There seem to be a community od caring people here in this forum.
qualify for hospice, the compassionate people who work
for the organization may have some helpful ideas.
Since you do have family who are apparently aware of the situation, have a frank discussion about placement in a nearby retirement facility. They are not 'hell holes' and attention from family is effective in assuring there is good care for the elderly resident. If you don't think you have
the backbone to stand up to family who have designated you
as caregiver, talk to a minister or social worker. Or find one
relative who will stand by you to insist the situation be changed.
Since you haven't identified who you care for, family members are that aren't helping, or the type of
city you live in, giving advice must necessarily be general.
Good luck. We who are willingly & not-so-willingly caring
for elderly relatives are legion.