I feel guilty about putting my mom in a nursing home. Should I take her to my home?

My mother-in-law lives in a very nice asst. living facility. But it is NOT the home she lived in with her husband (deceased) and raised three boys for 50+ years. Almost every time I see her, she says how much she hates the place she's living. She also has dementia.
She rants on and on how much she hates it. But when I pressed her about 'why' she hates it, I found out what she really wanted was a time machine. She wants to go back to when she was happy, with her husband and boys, and when life was 'good'. Her old home represents the memories of that happy time, that's why she 'hates' the place she's in. I told her I wished there was a time machine, that would be wonderful.

Cologirl-are you new to this site if you are welcome here you are very wise and are handling things well and it will be great to have you help others-it is so hard to decide on placement -I know I had to do that for my husband when I was no longer able to do it and stay sane and take care of my own health but he did finally agree that was the only option and after I decided I had to do it everyone else said that was what had to be done- he died soon after making the decision and that was 6 months ago-I still come back to this place because I had made so many good friends here and like keeping in touch and maybe I can help others 16 years of caregiving gave me lots of insight.

Finding a quality Nursing Home is tough. Luckily I have my mother in a very good one. The staff is so caring and try their best to provide activities and loving care. They know how to do their job. My mother also has dementia problems but she was placed in the home for a broken hip. She lived with us for almost 2 years first. Then she was demanding her own apartment and fighting with my husband . We found her a wonderful Assisted Living home but she was not happy there and cryed all the time to come back.
She has been in the nursing home for 1 year and it has been a struggle to contend with her crying and beggin to come back or go live with my sister or brother . Her hallucinations got so bad and her cryling, that they called in a psyciatrist. He prescribed a daily patch and changed her antidepressant and she is much better. I only go once a week to visit. That is all I can take. The staff tells me she takes part in the activites and seems to be doing OK.
Maybe you should cut back on your visits and let the staff know that. Hopefully they have activity directors there who know how to interact with the residents and encourage them to be less dependant on you. And yes, she may need some medication. Don't neglect your marriage for your mother. And your own health suffers when pulled in to many directions.

you should try a residential care home in my opinion. is much better then a nursing home. is a family like environment. i own one of the homes, i know what kind of care i give, also your consern in my opinion is because you don't have peace about the place she is in and also the care.

As a Home Care provider I gotta question why does she keep firing them? It could be the dementia talking and reacting. As with dementia they come and go out of reality. They tend to live in the past. If you can't get a home care provider she actually feels comfortable with you have a big problem.
We had our mom in nursing homes the last couple of years after she'd get pneumonia. She'd feel like giving up and then would re-coop.
We took her home, March 2009-Nov 28, 2009, we gave her 24/7 care in her home. We got hospice to come in to check her vitals and they had a volunteer that came in one day for 4 hours to do whatever she needed. There is 10 of us kids, 9 living in state. It was tough but worth it. She passed away Nov 28 at the age of 84.
Talk to her and your husband and find out what is best for all of you. Good luck:+)
Pam

First of all, you have no reason for the guilt (I know, easier said than done). You have done a great deal. It doesn't sound to me as though you would gain anything from taking her home. You are visiting every day (and more). You have gotten help with the caregiving because it's too much for one person.

The fact that she did so well and now has slipped makes me wonder about her medications. Maybe an adjustment could be made. Maybe she needs an anti-depressant. If she hadn't done well for awhile, it would be a bit different, but something has changed and a doctor should look into it.

You also have to consider what taking her back home would do to your marriage. Think carefully before going back to where you were before. Get medical advice for her, and perhaps for yourself. There must be a reason for this change.

Also, see if she favors a certain caregiver in the home, or seems afraid of anyone particular, just in case there is a personality issue. Fear doesn't necessarily mean abuse, but a certain personality may remind her of something in the past, so perhaps the home could see if changing her caregivers would help. With her history of firing caregivers, I would be careful to not imply that someone is abusing her (but it happens so you need to be aware).

Please check with the doctor about medications and see if something changed. That could be the key to the whole issue.
Carol