Feeling deceived: assisted living vs. living with me. I don't know how to have this conversation. Advice?

I would tell my parents that they told you they would figure it out by vesting in a continuing care facility and that is what needs to happen.

I would tell them together that moving in with you, as a couple or solo isn't going to happen. Period. No need to explain or justify your decision. Not happening, period.

Tell your mom every single time she makes your home an option. Mom, we talked about this, it isn't ever going to happen. My home isn't on the options or choices lists. If you don't stop I am hanging up.

If you aren't firm in your NO, you will get this dumped on you during a crisis. You have to point their thinking away from you as a solution or you will be pulled in by there lack of planning.

My mom is constantly trying to guilt me into bringing her in my home. We are like oil and fire, it will NEVER happen. It does start getting on my nerves, because she thinks she can wear me down by her repeatative verbal cues. All it does it drive me further away, no respect for my boundaries is a life long attribute with her. It gets easier to say no though.

Best of luck setting and enforcing the NO COHABITATION boundary.

YOU CAN DO IT!

Another word if a flat out NO is not yet within your comfort zone is WHY?

I want to come live with you. WHY?
I don't know what I'll do? WHY?
I don't want to live alone. WHY?

What is sometimes behind it all is fear. Fear of aging, of being lonely, maybe of memory starting to slip.

Fear is normal. Choosing a trusted, capable, safe person to help you is a normal reaction. (That's you ☺️).
Wanting a helping hand is ok. Wanting the hand to take on your entire responsibilities is not ok.

If Mom can gain insight into WHY she wants to land on your doorstep - that will be the first step. Then she can hopefully take some more steps towards what she actually needs.

You'd be doing your mom and dad a favor by communicating very clearly that your house is not an option for them. Then they can make plans accordingly. Until that's off the table, your parents think it's an option. Take it off. And encourage/offer alternatives. When your mom raises this topic daily or weekly, remind her that it's not an option, remind her of alternatives.

Your reasoning is very sound -- even if you're talking yourself in circles emotionally, and many on this site can relate to that. Live-in family caregiving situations that start from a misplaced sense of loyalty or obligation (much less coercion) never get better, imo. There's abundant evidence to support that on this site.

I hope this comes across in the supportive spirit intended. :) This is what I call "tough cookies" stuff. Be a tough cookie. You know what your capabilities and boundaries are and you can still act from a place of love to help your parents at this time in their lives while respecting your own needs.

Have the conversation with both of them together and soon. Speak kindly but plainly that no one will be coming to live with you and that you are not going to become a caregiver. It will be painful to have this conversation with them, but it must be done and your parents must take it seriously.
It's a good start that you are honest about not being able to take them in together or even just your mother because you do not think you can be the caregiver. Don't let anyone's guilt-trips push you into taking on the burden of caregiving if you know it's wrong for you. It never goes well when a person gets pressed into service.
Remind them that for years they have said that they do not expect you to become their caregiver and that they've already made old age plans.
Seniors will always claim that they don't want to be a burden to their families. Well then don't be one.
Help them make arrangements to move into a senior community or an AL facility. Help them get homecare services set up. This is something the three of you can do together.
Both you and your husband need to make yourselves very plain in explaining to that there will be no additions built onto your house for them and that they will not be coming to live with you.
Please have this conversation with them now.

Oatmeal, when they pull out the "oh my, you're being so oversensitive and over-reacting" and then trash talk you to the rest of the family, remember that this is a problem of THEIR making, not yours.

Stand firm.

Well. Better late than never, perhaps, but don't allow your family to deceive you now into thinking you are not in control of this situation. YES YOU ARE. Who lives in your house is your and your husband's decision.

And stop figuring out how you would manage something you'd rather shoot yourself in the face than actually do! What's all this about "probably a bad idea" and "we'd have to rearrange the entire house because the spare bedroom is upstairs..."?

Train yourself in the mirror to be unsmiling. When your father pulls your leg or your mother runs away with the fairies in her suggestions, you say, unsmiling: "you are not coming to live in my house."

The painful sensation is not guilt. It is emotional bruises from being punched by your parents. If YOU had deceived THEM into thinking you'd love them to move in one day, and now you turned round and said "nah, can't be bothered, shame you spent all your savings on me isn't it" - THEN you might have something to feel guilty about. As it is? Nope.

You Are Not Coming To Live In My House is as far as you have to get, by the way. What they do instead is theirs to work out, and not yours.

There’s no reason you should continue this conversation at all. Let your parents know kindly, but firmly, that it is not a plan and you well know it won’t work for either or both of them to live with you. Even people who go into moving a parent in with great desire to be caregivers find it’s a much bigger and harder job than anticipated. You already know it’s a bad idea for you. Discuss it once and then refuse to revisit the topic. Each and every time it comes up either change the subject or leave. No one should keep attempting to explain or justify

The answer is simple, but it is not easy.

Mum, Dad, I have no intention of having either or both of you live with me.

End of conversation.

When they bring it up again, and they will.

Mum, Dad I have already told you I have no intention of having either of you live with me.

Then redirect the conversation.

And again when they bring it up.

Mum, Dad, I have been clear that you are not welcome to live with me. You told me years ago that you have everything sorted out for your later years. I have my own life to live. If you insist on continuing to bring up this subject I will limit my contact with you.

And again.

As soon as they mention it, whether Dad is joking about a granny suite, you leave the conversation. Hang up the phone, leave the room etc.

Oatmeal,

I have made a note on my phone and have put links to answers from this forum the note. That way, when I need to refer back, I have those links quickly available.

When I first joined this forum, it was to help keep my sanity. Now, I use those links to refer back to and help others.

After you hand your mother that typed page suggested below, for the tenth or eleventh or whichever time, run to the bathroom, close the door, and open up the links, starting with this one! :-) Read answers out loud to yourself over and over again.

The folks here have given me an incredible gift. I know that their wisdom will do the same for you, if you follow it.

You may also want to search for "burnout" in the magnifying glass up on the upper right side of this page. Maybe save some of those links to read and re-read! :-)

I agree, I haven't been as assertively "no" as I should have. I suppose over the years them 'joking' about it and me responding with laughter and saying "haha, no" wasn't enough. I'm too soft in that regard that i say "probably" instead of "definitely".

I've spoken to my father about this at length in the past, how I can't take care of mom. And he seemed to understand, only to joke about it again the next time I saw him.
They're coming over next week after another barrage of daily texts from my mother about the situation once more, and in my response I stated we need to have a serious sit down talk about this. Cool, calm, no hyperbole. Just a request that we sit and talk. And then I got a whole bunch of responses back about how I need to calm down, that they don't want to stress me out, and that I shouldn't be "discouraged or disappointed about our old age".
My foot will come down, and it's going to be uncomfortable. But it's for everybody's benefit.

I caught the same wording...probably be a bad idea...now just say...that will be a bad idea.

At what point are you allowed to disagree with your parents and have it not be disrespectful?

Sit them down and tell them that their little jokes about moving in with you are upsetting because that will not work for you. You cannot give up your career because they did not plan for their old age. And start the ball rolling on other options. You may have to help set up those options but it is much better than being the only option.

"Probably be a bad idea"?

You're not being very forceful about this, are you?

Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It sounds like that's how you were raised.

You are a fully functioning adult, not a child trying to get her way.

YOUR needs and desires are every bit as valid and worthy as your mom's.

"No, mom and dad, that won't be happening. I hope you are making other plans".

No reason is necessary. As an adult, you get to say " because I don't want to".

All you need to say to mom is "no, I can't possibly do that" followed by rerouting or ending of the conversation.

As your father still has his faculties, I'd have a larger conversation with him.

I only see one thing you could be said to morally owe your parents and that's your honesty. If you are wishy washy that could encourage them to think "Oatmeal will come around" and then they continue to plan for nothing. Now if you're crystal clear that your house isn't an option and they still plan for nothing then at least you will know you tried. You can't control what other adults do or don't do, as much as most of us around here sometimes wish we could!

I’d react a bit differently, since I go for the written word. I’d make a note (type, not handwritten or message) setting out what they told you in the past, and what you are and are not willing to do now. Informative and truthful, not angry, as it will probably get about to others. I’d duplicate a stack of the notes, and when the topic comes up again, I’d simply hand over one more copy. Then not talk about it, even walk away. The same reaction every time is conclusive, better than a discussion which is always a bit different.

First off, there's no such thing as 'putting a down payment' on an Assisted Living Facility. It's a 'pay as you go' type situation, unless they're buying into a continuum of care type of place like my cousin's did. It's called Windcrest here in the Denver metro area and costs around $400K to buy into; they started out in Independent Living where they also pay $3500 a month rent; when they need Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing or Cancer Care, they will move into that level of care and ALSO pay for it accordingly, until they run out of money. At which time Windcrest picks up their costs 100% until they die. If there is money left over when both of them die, that money goes into their estate.

For regular Assisted Living, like my parents were in since 2014, they paid month by month, so there was no contract or anything due in advance.

I was in a similar situation to yours years ago; when my folks heard that AL was as expensive as it was, mom said to me 'jokingly', "We'll come live with YOU and pay you the $5K a month instead of paying it to an Assisted Living place!" Right then and there I said, "No mom, living with me won't be possible." PERIOD. I made myself crystal clear; I love you both, but living with me is NOT AN OPTION. So that's when they knew they'd HAVE TO make other arrangements for their care in old age, that I would not be their default future. I did them a favor, in reality, by setting the record straight. And, for what it's worth, all that 'joking' isn't joking at all; it's feeling you out about how you feel regarding having them living with you! No dad, a granny flat/ADU in our yard is NOT an option. Sorry/not sorry but that will NOT work for me.

So my suggestion to you is to sit down with BOTH of your parents NOW and have a heart to heart talk with them. Especially dad if he's more cognizant than mom is and not prone to repeating himself or asking the same question 100x. Let them know you love them very much, but caregiving for elders is not something you're cut out for, nor is living together in the same house. You have a demanding job AND a demanding husband who requires his privacy and is not open to having roommates. Blame him if necessary, who cares? :) If your folks are like mine were, they aren't about to grill HIM on the why's and wherefore's of why he wants HIS privacy inside of his OWN home! Make yourself crystal clear, though, with NO ROOM for negotiation. Then offer to help them find a nice AL to live in, gather brochures, etc. **NOTE: Find an Assisted Living WITH a Memory Care attached for if/when mom needs it!!!

As an only child, I had to move my folks out here in 2011 when dad had to give up his license after 3 minor fender benders; mom refused to drive, so there was no other choice but to have them live close by. I got them set up in a 2 bedroom independent living senior high rise which they loved and lived in for 3 years till dad fell & broke his hip. I then moved them into AL 2 miles from my house, and then into another one 4 miles away about a year later. Mom stayed there after dad died and went into the Memory Care bldg in 2019 after her dementia got quite bad (along with her mobility) and lived there until she passed away last month.

I managed their ENTIRE LIVES for them since 2011 but I never took them in to live with me. You can do the same thing. Don't delude yourself that the rest of the family will 'visit them' frequently if you move them out of state to an ALF. What you'll find is this: YOU are the only family member they can rely on. #Truth. So do what's best for YOU and for them, w/o relying on any other family members to give them a single thing.

Wishing you the best of luck avoiding the 'guilt' b/c you'll be doing PLENTY for them while they're living in AL, trust me on that, as a burned out daughter caring for her parents for 10.5 years.

The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is often recommended to others on the site when in such quandries. While looking for the book I came across a website created by the authors.

You may want to check out the site as well as their book.

https://www.boundariesbooks.com/

You're not responsible to give your money for their care. Help them make arrangements but don't move in with them or give money.

Great responses below. I'd like to add that you don't react at all when the examples of your cousins quitting their jobs to take care of their parents comes up. Just ignore it.

Thinking NOW about what your parents did or didn't do and were you deceived is a lot of wasted time not considering how to say the word "no". That is what is needed now, not a lot of discussion about water under the bridge. What we do has consequences. No one is being mean here when we observe that is just a fact. And no one need throw themselves upon an altar of life ruination to handle the issue.
You need to be honest. Keep it short. Keep it kind and gentle. But say it. Right out. Dancing around the issue is confusing for you and for your parents.I was a nurse all my life, but I have long known I could NEVER do caregiving in my own home. My parents NEVER would have let me, and I would NEVER let my daughter do it.
You are overthinking and over-talking and over-arguing all of this.
It is really quite simple.
You must be ready to be honest.
No "did you" or "you told me you would" or "you should have".
Nothing but the simple facts. Three sentences or so.
"Mom and Dad, it will never be an option for you to come live with me; nor will I ever move in with you. I am sorry, but I have decided I will never do this, and it isn't open to argument or discussion.
I will help you to decide what you must do for yourselves given the resources you have any time you wish. The truth is that there may be no perfect solution. I have empathy and I have sympathy, but that doesn't change that this option is off the drawing board."
Good. That's the three sentences. Now.................................
On to the G words. Please don't use guilt. You aren't a murderer. You are a human being with limitations. Murderers, who SHOULD feel guilt, seldom do. You are grieving. So will they. Shed the tears. Allow them to do so.
There are consequences in life. It is very difficult to both have a life and save for a lifetime of elder care. Few manage it. What resources they have, they have. What they don't they do not, and do not supplement their care as you SEE NOW what the result is of not saving. You need to SAVE for yourself or in very few years (I at 80 can tell you it comes fast) you will need all the savings you can possibly accumulate.
I am sorry. Not everything can be fixed and this is the third time today I have written this. And there is grieving to be done about the losses that come one after another after another in age. But it's a fact of life. Embrace the REALITY and face it HONESTLY. Anything else will ratchet up the pain exponentially. Let your parents know you will help them get their assets together on a list, attend an elder law attorney to see where to begin to understand what sort of living situations are possible for them. But that NONE of those situations will include living with you and your husband.
Discuss this with your husband. Get his support in learning how to say "NO". Full sentence.

I used to be on that bus, being driven by someone losing their way. I felt I was held to randsome. I was shoutong directions. Was ignored.

So I got off.

Thought I'm safer & more useful here. Can call for help from the sidelines.

These days my stress has gone down. I am focusing on my life, not what can/will happen to others.

Say No Mom. Choose yourself a new home, or someone else will.

Just keep saying no! Loudly and quickly. My Mother tries the same thing and I am sick of it too. I tried to suggest they make some plans a few years ago and they refused saying they would just wait for some disaster. Well then that will be their disaster not mine.

You are an adult, so disagreeing or refusing your parents is not disrespectful. Your spouse and marriage and time and privacy is priority. Your parents have had all their adult lives to plan for the eventuality of needing care. This is their issue, not yours. You don't owe them any explanation other than, "No, I won't be your live-in caregiver."

What you can do is guide them through other options. This takes the focus off of you being their solution. Reassure them that you love them and will help them figure it out. Send them links to senior communities close to them. Or suggest other relatives they can ask to hire or agencies to provide care in their home. They need to assign someone as their DPoA to manage their medical and financial affairs. No one should agree to help them if they aren't willing to assign this person as their DPoA, as it will devolve into a poop show once they begin to have cognitive and memory decline. Even if you are the DPoA, this does not obligate you to take them in or move in with them. WIthout an assigned PoA the only option is guardianship by either a child (very expensive) or the county (very controlled by others).

Please do not feel guilty about opting out of being their caregiver. Guilt is for people who have done something legally or morally wrong -- and you have done neither. They will act hurt and be angry, maybe even threaten to cut you out of their Will (hint: tell them that's fine with you. Bam! No more power to manipulate you.) No matter how many times they ask you, do not change your mind. Please read posts under the topic Burnout from other guilt-ridden adult children who were assumed into caregiving and are now in the desperate position of mental, emotional, physical and financial deterioration. "No" is a legitimate reason.